Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sports Illustrated Rubs in Bengals Loss, Supports Car Accident Victims: Puts Tom Brady on Cover

If you're a Bengals fan and you plan on hitting up a supermarket, gas station or book store this week, make sure you bring the following three things: 1. matches 2. gasoline 3. enough money to make bail. And just so you know, you'll need about $3,000 to make bail on the third degree arson charge you'll face for burning every Sports Illustrated you see this week.

Now why would you want to burn this week's Sports Illustrated?

Because Tom Brady is on the cover. Brady now becomes the first athlete to take advantage of Sports Illustrated's new 'get in a car accident, get on our cover policy.' This is also his 12th SI cover (meaning someone at Sports Illustrated has an extremely non-straight crush on him), which ties him with Joe Montana for most covers by an NFL player.

Anyway, back to Brady. If you thought you had a big week last week, you're wrong, it was probably pretty lame compared to Tom Brady's. Here is what Brady's last seven days have looked like:

1. Survive a car accident
2. Sign a $74 million contract
3. Dissect the Bengals defense like they're a dead cat in an inner city biology class
4. Get on the cover of Sports Illustrated

We haven't read the cover story, but we don't need to. It will probably talk about Brady's hot wife, his bid to cure AIDS, how he keeps Randy Moss happy by buying him weed from offshore marijuana farms, how the Bengals game plan was so bad that Brady didn't even watch film on them.

Tom Brady you're the reason Its Not Sunny in Cincinnati this week.

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