Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Panthers Fans Pay Good Money to Sleep as Bengals Smoke Their Team: Sunday's All-Day Diary

If you watched the Bengals game on Sunday and you thought it was boring, imagine being a Panthers fan, it was like being raped by a Triceratops. The Carolina fan above paid $60 for a ticket to the game and then fell asleep/was roofied/passed out/went comatose by the middle of the third quarter.

It was a sight to behold.

My new friend Ickey Woods was more than happy to take a picture with sleeping/roofied/passed out/comatose Panthers guy. And yes, this picture pretty accurately sums up the Carolina fan base.

Alright, no more stalling, here is the non-sensical ramble known as the INSIC day-long diary. Characters include Brad (who hosted us all), Debbie, Nate, Justin, Mel and me.

8:01 a.m.: I wake up when a dog starts licking me. I hate hamsters, I hate most marine animals and I really hate dogs. So I'm pissed. Then I remember that I forgot to set my alarm, so the dog actually did me a favor. As a reward, I gave it two hamburger patties and a hot dog. I don't even know if dogs are allowed to eat that stuff, but I gave it to him anyway. By the way, I also ate hamburger patties and hot dogs for breakfast. We shared a plate, the dog and I are now best friends.

9:45 a.m.: I spend 1-hour and 44-minutes trying to wake everyone up in the house I am at. There were five other people who were all in differing states of alcohol laced slumber. I thought three of them were in comas. There could have been a five-alarm fire in the house, these people were not going to wake up. I made the dog lick them all.

10:18 a.m.: In my mind, we're already two hours late for tailgating, so I start to complain, but every time I would complain, my friend Brad would point outside and casually mention the impending hurricane that was about to engulf all of Charlotte. Tailgating in hurricanes isn't fun, neither is tailgating in snowstorms or hail storms. I've never tailgated in a sand storm, but I bet that sucks too.

11:01 a.m.: Because my Charlotte friends are smart and watch the weather channel 17 hours a day, they knew it was going to rain. So we tailgate inside. Tailgating inside is like having sex with a really fat ugly chick, its nothing you're proud of, but its still sex... or tailgating in this case.

12:48 p.m.: The walk to the stadium is horrible. Imagine taking a shower with all of your clothes on, then drying off and then taking another shower with only your shoes on and then going to a football game. I'm pretty sure this is how everyone in the stadium felt. Except for the people with ponchos. People with ponchos are smarter than everyone. Someone wearing a poncho will cure cancer.

1:07 p.m.: Our tickets for the game are at will call, which means me, Justin, Nate, Mel and Debbie all have to stand in the rain while Brad retrieves them. We have no ponchos, no umbrellas... Lets just say, for some stupid, horribly thought out reason, we all planned for

tropical weather. While we were standing outside the stadium, we notice two Redskins fans LEAVING the game. Yes, seven minutes into the game, they were leaving. I am not making this up. They explained to us that they would rather go watch the Redskins in a bar. Well, I think we can all agree that karma Triceratops raped them because Washington got molested by St. Louis (And yes, I am trying to see how many times I can use the words Triceratops and rape in the same sentence).

1:23 p.m.: We get into the stadium just in time to see Cedric Benson score. It's a historic touchdown for the Bengals. Why? Because it's their first opening quarter touchdown since Nov. 22, 2009. That's right, the Bengals successfully went nine games without a first quarter touchdown. That's the equivalent of being married and going nine years without having sex on a Monday, it's almost unfathomable.

1:58 p.m.: I see a little girl in front of me holding the Batman sign pictured at right. Unfortunately I didn't have the heart to tell her that that Ocho was Robin and that T.O. was Batman. But it wasn't her fault that she got them mixed up, it was her parents fault. Horrible display of parenting here, but we won't go to hard on the parents because they did raise their kid a Bengals fan after all.

2:19 p.m.: I promised myself that if the Bengals were winning at halftime, I wouldn't complain about Carson Palmer. The Bengals are winning 10-0.

2:21 p.m.: It takes me .3 seconds to break my promise, I start complaining right away. What the hell happened at the end of the first half? Panther fans were LAUGHING at us. Panthers fans have not laughed at anyone in five years. Then some stupid Panthers fan says it, "I'm glad we have Jimmy Clausen and not Carson Palmer." They had to be kidding, there are General Managers in the NFL that would rather have AIDS than Jimmy Clausen. By the way, in case you missed the end of the half, Carson managed the clock like Andy Reid and blew a Bengals scoring opportunity.

2:59 p.m.: Jimmy Clausen leads the Panthers on the first (and what will probably be the only) touchdown drive of his career. No one in the stadium cheers and thats mainly because there are only 90 Panthers fans left. Which isn't Tampa Bay Rays fans pathetic, but its pretty bad.

3:02 p.m.: Just to prove how empty the stadium was, I take this picture (below) of the beer line 10 minutes before the beer line was closing. At Paul Brown Stadium, there would be a small riot as people fought to get their last beer. At Bank of America Stadium, there was this guy, all by himself. I think the booth pictured sold $21 worth of beer on the day. Keep in mind, the beers cost $7.

3:19 p.m.: Mike Nugent, who happens to be my early vote for team MVP, hits a 50-yard field goal that would have been good from Canada. Bengals go up 13-7.

3:36 p.m.: Carolina's Jonathan Stewart fumbles and the Bengals recover. Carson Palmer then does something that no one in the stadium thought was possible: he completes three passes in a row. Not only that, but the last one goes for a touchdown. After the game clinching TD pass to Benson, I forgive Carson for his 18 incompletions and 11 interceptions on the day (Note: he actually only threw two interceptions, Panthers defensive backs dropped the other nine).

3:51 p.m.: Carson Palmer takes a knee. As do all the Panthers fans in the stadium. Carson is taking his knee to run the clock out. Panthers fans are taking their knee because they are praying to God that Jimmy Clausen never starts another game for them ever again.

4:41 p.m.: While walking back from the stadium, I run into a group of 19 Panthers fans who are all playing corn hole. We all agree that if Jimmy Clausen and Carson Palmer were on the same team in corn hole, they would score zero points. We also agree that its completely plausible that they would lose a game to a cat and a hamster, but that would only be assuming that the cat doesn't eat the hamster. Anyway, I offer to put my hat and jersey on the line in the game. I go up 9-2 in a game to 11. But then my friends come and tell me its time to go, something about how people have to catch flights and stuff. Can you believe that? My friends thought catching their flights home and not missing work on Monday was more important then my corn hole game! Asses. I told them that I hoped that they all got raped by a triceratops. Then one of them told me that Triceratops' are extinct and that I should come up with a new animal and just drop the dinosaur rape bit all together. I have vowed to never make a dinosaur rape joke ever again.

Next INSIC All-Day Diary will be live from Atlanta

No comments:

Post a Comment