Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Will the Bengals Win Another Game This Season? INSIC Says No... Wait, No, We Say Yes

(Editor's Note: For all 31 of you out there wondering why we haven't updated the site for two weeks, here's the story: INSIC founder John Breech was dumped by his girlfriend. He's grieving like a 6-year-old that just watched his first stuffed animal get accidentally set on fire. He has spent the last 13 days sitting in a sandbox sculpting what we think is a life size replica of Paul Brown Stadium, however, the sculpture is so bad, it is very possible that he's sculpting a giant taco and not a stadium at all. Hopefully we'll have pictures. There, now lets get to today's post.)

The most common thing we've heard over the past 24 hours is that the sky is falling on the Bengals season. Well, we're here to tell you it's not falling. It has already fallen. It has smashed everybody into an unsightly bloody pulp that only the Jigsaw killer from the Saw movies could appreciate.

So the logical next question is: should you drown yourself in a bathtub full of cat reproductive fluid? No.

The next question after that is: will the Bengals win another game this season? And to that, we say, we hope so, because if they don't, we're setting Breech's sandbox on fire with him still in it.

Anyway, if you're trying to plan your next few football viewing Sundays based on the probability of seeing a Bengals win, then read on, we'll tell you when they're going to win next.

Nov. 14, At Indianapolis: The Bengals have not beat the Colts since 1937. The odds of the Bengals winning this Sunday are about the same as Tiger Woods getting a phone call from his ex-wife asking him if he wants to be in a threesome with her, her twin sister and a putter shaped dildo. And yes, the putter shaped dildo industry paid us handsomely for that plug.

Nov. 21 Buffalo: The Bills are one of three teams in the league with a worse record than the Bengals. That's right, there are actually three teams in the league that have successfully outsucked the Bengals (Carolina, Buffalo and of course Dallas). The Bills are led by Ryan Fitzpatrick. Bengals fans, you remember him, he's the one that single-handedly torpedoed the Bengals 2008 season. Apparently the Bills aren't aware of the fact that letting Fitzpatrick run your offense is like handing over the keys of your Ferrari to a drunken, coked-addicted 9-year-old. Coincidentally, Buffalo is the only city in the country where you might find a drunken, coked-addicted 9-year old. In less vague terms: you should watch football on November 21 because the Bengals will beat Buffalo.

Wow, we go two weeks without posting, then we comeback with a short and crappy 200 word spot where we only predict that the Bengals are going to beat the Bills -- pathetic -- we'll try harder next time. Or maybe we'll give the same amount of effort that Ochocinco gave in the fourth quarter of the Steelers game on Monday. One or the other.

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