Thursday, June 3, 2010

Shayne Graham Signs With Ravens, Promises to Make 100% of Field Goals... As Long As They're Attempted in 1st, 2nd or 3rd Quarter And Ravens are up 20

(Above: David Kohl of the Associated Press astutely captures on film the moment Shayne Graham realized he wouldn't be a Bengal anymore. This was taken seconds after his second FG miss against the Jets)

For most Bengals fans, January 9, 2010 was the day Shayne Graham passed Kathy Griffin as the most hated red-head in the world (In case you're wondering, tied for third most hated are Ginger Spice and Lindsay Lohan, however, if Lindsay Lohan is drunk or doing coke lines off of bar stools in West Hollywood night clubs, then she automatically moves to No. 1)

Anyway, back to Graham and today's good news.

Cincinnati, you don't have to hate the red-headed rightie anymore. As of today, Graham will be taking his missed field goal tour to Baltimore where he'll be competing with some guy named Billy (Cundiff) for the Ravens starting kicker job.

Graham held a press conference today in Baltimore and because this is the last time we're ever going to write about him, we decided to break down his press conference quote by quote.

Graham quotes in Bold Black.
What Graham really meant in Bold Orange.

I had the opportunity to go back to [Cincinnati].
However, I would have water-boarded myself in a bucket full of acid-laced cat urine before exercising this option. The fans hate me, the coaches hate me, my priest hates me. So when I say I had the opportunity to go back to Cincinnati, I really mean I didn't.

[Cincinnati] was very good to me. The organization was very good to me. You move on and you make changes in your life.
I hope all babies born in Cincinnati over the next 10 years die. I hope the Freedom Center is bombed and I hope Giant Jesus burns to the ground.

[As a Raven] When I play in [Cincinnati], I'll have friends in the stands and across the sidelines.
I'm lying again, we all know that no one within 16 zip codes of the city likes me. Oh and when I say 'I'll have friends in the stands,' I actually mean 'people who would declare war on me if declaring war on a person was possible and/or legal.'

On playing in Paul Brown Stadium next year:
It'll be different being in a stadium that was home to me for so long. [However] I've always enjoyed that feeling when you walk into a hostile situation where the fans are booing your whole team and you.
I am actually telling the truth here. I swear to God. Stats back it up. I never miss clutch kicks on the road, when I'm playing in a hostile situation. I only miss the ones at home when the Bengals season is on the line (See: Pittsburgh-2006, N.Y. Jets x 2-2010 Playoffs)

Even the best have bad days. That's what I feel had made me better over my career, is when I've had things not go my way, I never folded and just walked away from it. I kind of came back and kept trying and kept fighting.
Baltimore's media must have cut me off here because five months ago against the Jets, things didn't go my way on a 35-yard third quarter field goal. And when I came back for a fourth quarter attempt, I didn't keep fighting, I choked like a first base umpire making the final out call in a perfect game situation.

1 comment:

  1. I will be officially retiring all future quote by quote press conference break downs, too confusing.