Tuesday, June 15, 2010
What a Week for the Nati: Ochocinco Shows up for Camp, Giant Jesus Burns, Kroger is selling Ice Cream that Kills People and its only Tuesday
Last week we made a joke about Giant Jesus burning to the ground. This week it actually happened.
Sick of being mocked by his 62-foot tall son, God decided to finally do something about it.
Late last night, in a vengeance filled rage that the Earth hasn't seen since the 7th plague was unleashed on man, Giant Jesus (or 'Touchdown Jesus' as Non-Notre Dame fans call him) was struck down when fire, water and brimstone shot from the skies. (In non-biblical terms, Giant Jesus was struck by lightning during a crazy thunderstorm. He then caught on fire and slowly burnt over the course of two hours).
Big Butter Jesus (as the people who didn't call him Giant Jesus or Touchdown Jesus called him) was built in 2004. He was 6-years-old. In Giant Jesus time, that is an eternity, so do not feel sorry for him.
Ochocinco Returns to Cincinnati
The good thing about Giant Jesus burning to the ground: Cincinnati doesn't need him this week anyway. Late Monday, the city's other savior that's not Giant Jesus, Chad Ochocinco, flew into town just in time for the Bengals first mandatory mini camp.
Last week quarterback Carson Palmer had some not so nice words to say about Chadly.
What exactly did you say again Carson?
"It would be great to have our No. 1 receiver here and working him in and building around him," Palmer told the media last week. "We've tried moving guys around. Maybe they're trying to find a new No. 1 receiver because it's hard to work your offense in without that guy around."
Carson, you sound like a girl from MTV's Fresh Meat 2, you need to stop complaining. Chad showed up when he had too, not to mention, you have other things to worry about, like the Kroger ice cream that's killing people.
The Kroger Ice Cream that's Killing People, but hasn't Killed Anyone Yet
If you like ice cream and you shop at Kroger, then you should thank God and Giant Jesus that you're not dead right now. The Cincinnati-based grocer announced today that their Deluxe Chocolate Paradise Ice Cream could kill you.
At this point, you're probably asking yourself three questions:
1. Is the ice cream laced with cyanide? (No, it's not cyanide).
2. Is this part of Kroger's diabolical plan to end the obesity epidemic by killing people who overindulge on ice cream? (Lets not rule this one out just yet)
3. Did Kroger accidentally put tree nuts in the ice cream that instantly kills people with nut allergies? (Bingo. Although we're slightly exaggerating when we say 'instantly kills.' It's actually a slow painful death. Like burning for two straight hours, right Giant Jesus?)
*UPDATE* If you're one of those people that likes to take pictures of burnt up Giant Jesus remains, you might want to rethink this. The Cincinnati Enquirer is reporting on their Twitter page that local police will be "ticketing motorists on I-75 who stop to gawk" at the charred skeletal remains of Giant Jesus.