Tuesday, July 6, 2010

National League Manager Charlie Manuel Explains Joey Votto All-Star Snub in Two Words: "He Sucks"

At a press conference today in Philadelphia, Phillies skipper Charlie Manuel -- who will be managing the 2010 National League All-Star team -- finally told reporters why he didn't put Cincinnati Reds first baseman Joey Votto on the NL roster.

"I'll be blunt," Manuel told the large contingent of media gathered at Citizen's Bank Ball Park. "He sucks. I've been evaluating baseball talent for over 30 years and Votto is the third worst player I have ever seen. The transgendered cashier I had at Kroger last night has more talent in his left hand than Votto has in his whole body."

After Manuel's statement, one reporter quickly pointed out that Votto is in the top five of almost every key statistical category (home runs, walks, on-base percentage, RBI's, slugging percentage, runs scored, batting average). Manuel shrugged that off, saying, "Does he have a World Series ring? Can he hit a triple? Has he ever gone out to a nice dinner at the Olive garden with the Philly Phanatic? No, no and no. He probably doesn't even know what's on the Olive Garden menu. No way he's on my All-Star team."

Manuel, who personally selected 10 of the team's 34 players, decided to give the third and final first baseman's roster spot to the Phillies Ryan Howard rather than Votto. The other first basemen on the team are Albert Pujols of St. Louis and Adrian Gonzalez of San Diego.

(If Votto -- pictured above -- isn't put on the National League roster, we can probably all agree that he'll be spending his All-Star break with the girl with the giant hoop earrings on the left)

"My dog R. How [Ryan Howard] is having a great season," Manuel said of his slugger. "I mean seriously, how could I leave How-Dog off the team? He's batting .296, he has 59 RBI's and 15 home runs. With those stats, forget the All-Star game, he should be named MVP of the World. When do they vote on that?"

When told there is no such award as "MVP of the World," Manuel replied, "There really should be and How-Dog really should win it."

Later in the press conference, Manuel was told that Votto has a National League leading 21 homers, which is actually more than Howard's 15, "That's just not impressive," Manuel said. "If Votto wants to hit his fancy nancy home runs, there's a contest for that, it's called a home run derby. R. How only has 15 home runs this year because he's hitting for average."

When Manuel was alerted to the fact that Votto -- who is batting .318 this season (22 points higher than Howard) -- is also hitting for average, he had a rebuttal for that, "My deaf niece could hit .300 at Great American Ball Park, probably .400 if she wasn't deaf," said Manuel. "If Votto played in Philadelphia at Citizen's Bank Ball Park, he would be batting .172, probably closer to .113 if he was deaf."

One writer then brought up the fact that Votto leads the National League in OPS (on-base percentage plus slugging percentage).

"Great, some crack smoking, meth addicted nut job who's probably related to [Red Sox General Manager] Theo Epstein or [A's GM] Billy Beane invents a stat and Votto leads the league in it, that's impressive." Manuel griped. "Here's one for you: guess who leads the league in most third inning hits after drinking purple Gatorade during day time road games? I'll give you a hint, it's not Joey Votto. It's my boy Ryan Howard. Anyone can make up a stat and make their guy look good."

Manuel did go on to say that although he doesn't know what sabermetrics are, he has always been fascinated by saber-toothed tigers.

After an hour of answering questions, Manuel began to look perturbed. He agreed to field one more question, which was something along the lines of "what if fans vote Votto into the last All-Star slot [The final National League roster spot will be handed out July 8 based on fan voting]."

Manuel had a simple answer for that, "I won't play him. Honestly, the guy is in the National League Central. There are bible camp wiffle ball leagues that are more competitive. If he goes up against a real pitcher in the All-Star game, my guess is that he will strike out three times and probably wet his pants."

(This is a fake story, Charlie Manuel didn't actually say any of these things. But there is a 50/50 chance that he thought them)

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