Ochocinco Traded to Patriots for Two Future Drafts Picks and Magic Beans

In only one practice, Ochocinco already has a better relationship with
Tom Brady then he ever had with Carson Palmer. Boston Herald Photo

If you're a  new Bengals fan or a fan under the age of seven, you may not remember this, but back in 2008, the Washington Redskins really wanted Ochocinco.

The Redskins wanted Ocho so badly in fact, that they were willing to give up two first round draft picks, the cure to cancer, a solid 24 carat gold Koala Bear statue (worth over $4 billion), Miley Cyrus' virginity and 93 percent ownership in the team.

The Redskins offered Miley's virginity for Ocho in
2008, but the Bengals turned it down. 

Of course, if you're an old Bengals fan or a fan over the age of seven, you know what happened: Mike Brown vetoed the deal.

Mike Brown loves vetoing deals.

He's vetoed more deals than the last 23 Presidents of the United States combined.

If the Colts offered Mike Brown, Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne for Morgan Trent and the Bengals water boy, Brown would laugh at the offer for 30 minutes, explain to everyone that Trent and the water boy are under contract with the team and then veto the deal. And then he would take a crap in a Paul Brown Stadium bathroom and ask a Hamilton County official to wipe. 

Anyway, back to Ocho.

Ocho was officially traded to the Patriots on Friday for two draft picks, only they weren't first round draft picks, they were fifth and sixth round draft picks. And they're not even for the same year. The fifth round pick is for 2012 while the sixth round pick is for 2013.

The Bengals only have one and a half scouts, so the last thing they need to be doing is trading anyone for draft picks.

Usually, the Bengals don't let their fans down until at least week three of the regular season, this year it looks like they're trying to break new ground.

If Ochocinco and Deion Sanders Daughter Reproduced, the Baby Would Win the Heisman Before it was in Preschool

Ninety-seven percent of NFL players agree, there's only three ways to get over a tough loss:

1. Go to a strip club and stare at boobs for 15 hours. If there are no strip clubs around, then find the nearest senior citizens home and stare at old lady boobs, which are almost as nice.

2. Smoke a quarter-pound of marijuana*

*= If Randy Moss isn't on your team, you probably will not have access to a quarter-pound of marijuana, in which case an eighth will do.

and of course, let us not forget number three:

3. Take a picture with a semi-famous hot chick who happens to be related to Deion Sanders.

Because Ocho hates boobs and weed, he went with option number three to get over Sunday's loss to the Falcons: Yup, that's Ochocinco and Deion's daughter in the picture at the top of the page.

If you're an NFL owner reading this and you find out these two are having a baby, it would probably be in your best interests to sign the kid to a 91-year, $4-billion contract. That is, unless the baby is a girl because then it would only be athletic enough to play for the Bills.

Because we haven't posted in a week, we're including a bonus picture of Deiondra in a bikini. You're welcome. Oh and we are not messing with you at all, her name is Deiondra. Apparently Deion Sanders only knows eight letters of the alphabet, that or he hates his daughter.

(If you're one of the six Bengals fans that reads mediatakeout.com, then you may have heard that Ocho and Deiondra went out on a date after Sunday's game. However, unless they had a 15-minute Big Mac date at McDonald's --which is possible, because this is Chad we're talking about after all-- the date didn't happen. Chad left the locker room about an hour after the game (when this picture was taken) and was on a plane back to Cincinnati about 90 minutes after that.)

What Did Ochocinco Send to Atlanta Falcons's DB's? Intimidating Looking T-Shirts that Aren't Intimidating at All

In between breaking stories about Jersey Shore's J-Woww and Lindsay Lohan's dad, TMZ.com took some time yesterday to break the news on a story that's actually not about douche bags (that is, unless you consider everyone in the Falcons defensive backfield douche bags).

Just after midnight last night, TMZ answered the question that 11 percent of Bengals fans have been asking themselves since Monday: What did Ochocinco send the Falcons DB's?

The answer: lame t-shirts.

In 2004, Ocho sent the Cleveland Browns Pepto Bismol. Chad said the Pepto was to help the Browns because they were going to get 'sick to their stomach' trying to cover him. Also, no one likes diarrhea on a football field, so this was successful in two ways.

Last year, Chad sent the Ravens DB's deodorant, so they wouldn't 'sweat' covering him. This was also a great idea, except that no one in the city of Baltimore wears deodorant, so they didn't exactly get the joke.

Lets ranks Chad's gift giving:

1. Pepto Bismol
2. Deodorant
763. Mad Chad T-shirt

If you've never seen the Mad Chad logo, then you obviously don't own Chad's iPhone app.

In other news: Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee got really drunk last night and this girl really hates college. 

Ochocinco and T.O. Set to Visit the Tonight Show on October 11; T.Ocho Show Premieres October 12

No one here at INSIC has watched the Tonight Show since Jay Leno mop-stick raped Conan O'Brien to get his job back last year (In the picture below, Conan is describing how long the mop stick was). But next Monday, we might actually have to watch.

According to the Cincinnati Enquirer, on October 11, Ochocinco and Terrell Owens will be guests on NBC's staple late night show.

But don't think that will be the only time you see Ocho and T.O. on TV during next week's bye week.

One day later, the dynamic duo will be on a much more obscure network when "The T.Ocho Show" premieres on Versus.

Now if you haven't watched Versus in awhile, there's a reason for that. They show bull riding, bass fishing, UFL games, Mixed Martial Arts, racing, hunting and hockey. Basically any sport that sells their television rights fees for under six hundred dollars, Versus will air. And yes, we do think an argument could be made that the Hallmark Channel has almost as appealing programming as Versus.

The Hallmark Channel is awesome, if you haven't seen Daniel's Daughter, then you need to blow up your TV. Just look at the poster below, if a red head, a bike and a dog can't get you to see a movie, nothing will.

On the other hand, Versus did send us a 30 second promo for The T.Ocho show. The Hallmark Channel definitely didn't send us a promo for Daniel's Daughter, so they can go to hell. Anyway, you can see the promo below (And of course, as with all Youtube clips that we don't know how to embed, you can see the small stupid version below or you can click here to see the giant, fun, full version).

Do You Have a Box of OchocincO's at Your House? Do You Want to Have Phone Sex Today? Then You're in Luck!

Without even knowing it, Ochocinco and his new cereal have combined the two things that people love most about the morning: breakfast and phone sex.

When OchocincO's cereal was released late last month, one of the reasons it got so much publicity outside of Cincinnati is because a portion of each sale from every three dollar box was going to go to a charity called Feed the Children.

Then Ocho had an even better idea, why not put the phone number for Feed the Children on the OchocincO's box so that people could donate more money. A good idea in theory.

However, someone at PLB Sports (the Pittsburgh based company that makes the cereal) made a big goof. Instead of putting the phone number for Feed the Children on the box (1-888-HELP-FTC), they put something way more exciting: the phone number for a phone sex line (1-800-HELP-FTC).

This is so awesome that someone at PLT Sports is either going to get a huge raise or get fired today.

The bigger question here is: why is everyone in this country an ass? This phone sex number has been on the side of the box for just over 30 days now, which means that for 30 days, pretty much no one called to donate money to this charity. This also means that the children of feed the children are not being fed.

An Ohio family finally called the number yesterday and after hearing a sultry sex siren answer the phone asking them what their favorite position is, the family called WCPO Channel 9, which of course is what most normal people do when asked about sex positions on a phone call that was made using a number from a cereal box.

As far as XXX content goes, we didn't think Chad would be able to top his giant dick towel, but he's done it.

Anyway, Chad's take on the incident is simple, here's what he told the Enquirer's Joe Reedy this morning: Remember, [the cereal] is made in Pittsburgh, something just isn't right.

By the way, all boxes of Ochocinco's are being pulled from the shelves, so if you have one, you may want to hold onto it, it could be a collector's item.

The only way the cereal industry can top this is if Toucan Sam, Lucky the Leprechaun and the Trix rabbit have a foursome with Count Chocula.

Bengals-Panthers: Ochocinco is Treating 85 People in Charlotte to Dinner Tonight; Read Below to Find Out Where

Even though Charlotte is a dying town where no one would actually live if they had a choice, you still can't walk into a restaurant on a Saturday night and ask for a table of 85 and expect to be seated. (Actually we love Charlotte, we're there right now. But really we don't, we're just saying that so we don't get beat up while we're here).

Anyway, back to this dinner thing.

This means that if Ochocinco is taking 85 people out to dinner tonight, he definitely had to call ahead to get a reservation. And as most know by now, when a table of 85 is booked at a restaurant the night before the Bengals are playing in your town, it can only mean one thing: Ocho's on his way with 85 friends.

Now in case you're not one of the 1.3 million people following Ocho on Twitter, let us fill you in on what's going on: For every away game the Bengals play this season, Chad has promised to pick a restaurant in the away city and pay for 85 people to eat and drink. He will tweet the location at 4 p.m., we are announcing it right now (its 1:36 p.m.)

So what restaurant did he pick for Charlotte?

Drumroll please...

Chima Brazilian Steakhouse

Now keep in mind that we're a blog, so we're wrong 37 percent of the time that we're right. But we're happy with our sources and we're about 97 percent sure that Chima is where Ocho is heading tonight. He'll officially tweet the location at 4 p.m.

So if you want a free meal tonight, put on your riot gear and make sure you're one of the first 85 people in line at Chima which is located on 139 South Tryon Street.

Chad Ochocinco is Out, Chad 'Johnson' is Back

Since we're not a gay porn site, we don't usually run pictures of giant penises.

However, since this giant penis is on a towel and Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is wearing it, we're going to make an exception today.

If you're thinking to yourself right now, "hold on, whoa, wait a minute, I've seen a towel with a giant penis on it, and it wasn't on a gay cruise ship," we can assure you that you probably did see one and that you're not crazy.

Last year, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia ran an episode about the "Dick Towel." If you want to make waves next time you take your nephews to a neighborhood pool, then you can try and order one here. Or just watch the fake 'Sunny' infomercial.

By the way, the next logical step is obviously the vagina towel, but lets hope everyone agrees not to create the tampon towel.

Oh and it goes without saying that Bengals GM Mike Brown probably loves the fact that the Bengals logo is clearly visible in the background of Ocho's picture.

Rey Maualuga Avoids Suspension for January DUI; Ochocinco will Pee in Cup Today

Driving drunk in a car with underage girls is every guys dream. The only problem with this dream is that its frowned upon by the general public and illegal in most states (We don't have time to research any state laws, but we're guessing that it's not frowned upon or illegal in the following states: Kentucky, West Virginia, Georgia and probably Louisiana).

It turns out Bengals LB Rey Maualuga may have lucked out last January when he was nabbed for DUI, mainly, because he was arrested in Kentucky, one of the aforementioned states where sleeping with 14-year-olds is encouraged.

What does this mean?

It means that when Rey-Rey was arrested, he wasn't charged with getting an underage girl drunk, he was only charged with DUI (reports are that his BAC was .157). Officers could have also charged him with a 'Crime against Humanity' for driving a Pontiac Sunfire, but instead, they showed mercy.

Maualuga put the incident behind him last February when he pled guilty to his DUI charge, however it wasn't until today that the NFL finally weighed in on whether or not he would be suspended.

Roger Goodell and the NFL formally recognized today that it's incredibly hard to pickup hot high school tail at a bar. Maualuga's mad pickup skills were rewarded as the NFL has decided to NOT suspend him for his January DUI. The former USC star will have to forfeit two game checks (Meaning he's out about $46,500).

Would you leave a bar drunk with the 18-year-old girl pictured below? Maualuga did. By the way, in case you can't tell, the picture is courtesy of Sports by Brooks.

The Bengals have now lucked out twice this offseason, as Cedric Benson also went unsuspended for his June arrest. Although in Benson's defense, he was punched in the face, didn't retaliate at all and then arrested a month after the alleged incident.

Ochocinco Getting Drug Tested Today

Unless testing positive for McDonald's can garner a 4-game suspension, its probably a safe bet that the Ocho will pass his random drug test.

By the way, if anyone from Dial is reading this, you're sitting on a God Damn gold mine, look at the top of Chad's locker, its already stocked with a season's supply of Dial body wash and the season hasn't even started.

Someone on Twitter Loves Ochocinco

As most psychotic, prowling, drug-addicted ex-girlfriends already know, the best thing about Twitter is that you can anonymously stalk people and there's a 99.0003 percent chance they'll never find out.

On the other hand if you're tired of stalking or just lazy, you can tweet your phone number to your favorite celebrity and cross your fingers that they'll call you.

That was the tactic employed by our new friend Cynthia Roberson or as she likes to call herself on Twitter: @Sexymom97.

Over the past three weeks, @sexymom97 has been blitzing (pun intended) Chad with tweets asking him to call her. She even left her number for him in a tweet. This now means that the Ocho and six million other Twitter users can call her any time they want, day or night.

Twitter is obviously filled with thousands of people who exhibit extremely poor judgement (if you need any proof, just look at Spencer Pratt's profile, 863,679 are knowingly following him. In the world we want to live in someday, he would have three followers and he'd only be famous because he died in a panda bear attack at age seven).

So lets review.

Old uncool way to stalk: Facebook

New trendy way to stalk: Twitter

Please note accordingly.

Chad doesn't know it, but the segway above might be his only means of escape some day.

Bengals Don't Waste Any Time Getting Terrell Owens Playbook Ready

The news of Terrell Owens signing with the Bengals is less than 18 hours old, but as you can see in the picture above, the team wasted no time in getting T.O.'s playbook ready.

The funniest thing about the playbook picture above is this: take a gander at Chad's playbook. The man changed his last name to Ochocinco two years ago, but Marvin Lewis doesn't seem to care, the playbook still says "Chad Johnson."

By the way as Chad sauntered in to Georgetown today for training camp, he had a bold statement for reporters, telling them it would be "a fucking shame if we don't win the Super Bowl."

So now you're probably wondering, "great, Chad thinks we're going to win a Super Bowl, that must mean every game is a sellout this this year, right?"

Geoff Hobson over at Bengals.com has this report from the Bengals ticket office:

Andrew Brown, director of ticket sales, said Wednesday morning that since the news of Owens' signing broke Tuesday night the Bengals have sold more season tickets than they did all last week combined. Brown called action "brisk but not overwhelming," and said single-game tickets have also spiked with the Sept. 19 home opener against the Ravens in the lead. The Nov. 8 Monday night game against the Steelers has already been hot and Brown says tickets are limited.

It sounds like Brown is saying the Bengals sold eight season tickets last week and they have beaten that total by already selling nine this week.

Oh and one more thing: to the people in the Bengals front office: If the negotiation team worked half as fast as the playbook production team, Jermaine Gresham would have been signed the day after the draft.

What Happens to Ochocinco in Vegas Apparently Doesn't Stay in Vegas

The last time someone from INSIC showed up at a casino in their underwear, three cops were called, four people spent the night in jail and a cat somehow ended up inside of a half empty bottle of tequila.

Of course, if you're The Ocho, you can do whatever you want in your underwear and not worry about consequences.

Chad was up early gambling this morning. He tweeted this photo to America around 9 a.m. Las Vegas time.

For our five Mexican readers out there, we had this next photo saved in case Mexico won the World Cup, but since they didn't, we might as well run it now.

Steelers fans are probably asking themselves: What's more annoying, Ochocinco or a vuvuzela?

What a Week for the Nati: Ochocinco Shows up for Camp, Giant Jesus Burns, Kroger is selling Ice Cream that Kills People and its only Tuesday

Last week we made a joke about Giant Jesus burning to the ground. This week it actually happened.

Sick of being mocked by his 62-foot tall son, God decided to finally do something about it.

Late last night, in a vengeance filled rage that the Earth hasn't seen since the 7th plague was unleashed on man, Giant Jesus (or 'Touchdown Jesus' as Non-Notre Dame fans call him) was struck down when fire, water and brimstone shot from the skies. (In non-biblical terms, Giant Jesus was struck by lightning during a crazy thunderstorm. He then caught on fire and slowly burnt over the course of two hours).

Big Butter Jesus (as the people who didn't call him Giant Jesus or Touchdown Jesus called him) was built in 2004. He was 6-years-old. In Giant Jesus time, that is an eternity, so do not feel sorry for him.

Ochocinco Returns to Cincinnati

The good thing about Giant Jesus burning to the ground: Cincinnati doesn't need him this week anyway. Late Monday, the city's other savior that's not Giant Jesus, Chad Ochocinco, flew into town just in time for the Bengals first mandatory mini camp.

Last week quarterback Carson Palmer had some not so nice words to say about Chadly.

What exactly did you say again Carson?

"It would be great to have our No. 1 receiver here and working him in and building around him," Palmer told the media last week. "We've tried moving guys around. Maybe they're trying to find a new No. 1 receiver because it's hard to work your offense in without that guy around."

Carson, you sound like a girl from MTV's Fresh Meat 2, you need to stop complaining. Chad showed up when he had too, not to mention, you have other things to worry about, like the Kroger ice cream that's killing people.

The Kroger Ice Cream that's Killing People, but hasn't Killed Anyone Yet

If you like ice cream and you shop at Kroger, then you should thank God and Giant Jesus that you're not dead right now. The Cincinnati-based grocer announced today that their Deluxe Chocolate Paradise Ice Cream could kill you.

At this point, you're probably asking yourself three questions:

1. Is the ice cream laced with cyanide? (No, it's not cyanide).

2. Is this part of Kroger's diabolical plan to end the obesity epidemic by killing people who overindulge on ice cream? (Lets not rule this one out just yet)

3. Did Kroger accidentally put tree nuts in the ice cream that instantly kills people with nut allergies? (Bingo. Although we're slightly exaggerating when we say 'instantly kills.' It's actually a slow painful death. Like burning for two straight hours, right Giant Jesus?)

*UPDATE* If you're one of those people that likes to take pictures of burnt up Giant Jesus remains, you might want to rethink this. The Cincinnati Enquirer is reporting on their Twitter page that local police will be "ticketing motorists on I-75 who stop to gawk" at the charred skeletal remains of Giant Jesus.

Looks Like Ochocinco Will be Dancing With the Stars

(Chad may have to stretch a few more body parts if Julianne Hough is his partner)

According to TMZ.com, everyone's favorite NFL wide receiver has been cast for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars.

If you don't know what Dancing with the Stars is, ask your girlfriend, your mom, your sister, your fiance or your wife: one or all of them will know.

For all you men and/or Ochocinco fans out there, let us emphasize one thing here: you do not have to be embarrassed to watch the upcoming season. The show is basically a two hour soft core porn. The women wear next to nothing, they're almost all hot and the action is better than anything you can get on cinemax.

Here is how a normal conversation will go with your significant other during a Dancing with the Stars episode:

Her: Wow, that was an amazing dance move, I wish I could do that.

You (silently wishing she could do the move): No way honey, why would you wish you could spread your legs THAT wide?

If God loves the city of Cincinnati (and sadly, there's no reason to think he does) he will pair Ochocinco with Julianne Hough.

Who is Julianne Hough?

She is the hot blonde pictured three times below. Why three pictures? Easy.

We needed one of her playful side, one of her backside and one of her wearing a lacy black outfit.

Thanks to Ochocinco, Bengals Offseason Goes From Bad to Worse

Remember the year 2006 when 27 Bengals got arrested, well, it only took Ochocinco one snap of the camera to one up the stupidity of that entire off season.

The way we see it is if Rey Maualuga wants to drive a Pontiac Sunfire drunk (2010), that's fine. If Jonathan Joseph wants to possess marijuana (2007), go for it. If Frostee Rucker feels the need to commit spousal battery (2006), great.

But there is absolute no excuse for any self respecting man to be pictured with 'The Situation' or any other cast member from Jersey Shore. Chad's man card, self-respect and credibility have all been destroyed by one flash of the camera.

We here at INSIC will be burning our 85 jerseys tonight in a fire we will ignite with three matches and a bottle of Pauly D's hair gel.

If NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has a soul, he will suspend Chad at least two games for 'conduct detrimental to the league.'

Ochocinco Rewriting NFL Rulebook for Bengals-Steelers Week Plus Two Other '09 Rule Changes

(This sign is currently hanging over Chad's locker at Paul Brown Stadium)

After a 2008 season where Tom Brady got Bernard Pollard-ed, where Chad Ochocinco only caught four passes for 12 yards and the Steelers won the Super Bowl, the NFL new they had to change some rules before the 2009 season started. So they decided to make three rule changes this year.

Rule 1: Anyone that follows the NFL knows about this rule change, but in case you missed it here it is: If any defensive player looks at Tom Brady in a threatening manner, that player will be penalized 15-yards, fined $19,000 and suspended for three games.

Several defensive players have already complained about the new 'Brady' rule, including Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter.

The NFL explained the rule by saying that Brady should be treated like an 18th century Japanese emperor at all times, meaning no one can look at him or touch him. In a rare turn of events, the NFL mandated that this rule is also applicable off the field. This means that if Bengals safety Roy Williams were to take Brady out to lunch, he would not be able to make eye contact with the pro bowl quarterback without risking a fine, a 15-yard penalty and a suspension.

Rule 2: See above, otherwise known as the Ochocinco rule. This rule was in effect from 2003-07 and it has been reinstated for this season.

Finally, there is Rule 3: This rule only applies to Pittsburgh Steelers fans who are not capable of producing witty comebacks when made fun of.

On August 2 of this year, the NFL decreed that no Steelers fan is allowed to use as a comeback any combination of the following words and/or phrases: 'Six-burgh,' 'We have six super bowl titles,' 'we're world champions six times over' basically, any comeback with the number six in it has been outlawed.

The only exception to this rule is if said Steelers fan can name the year and Super Bowl number in which the six victories came. If they can't, then they are to be immediately demoted from Steelers fan to Rams fan until further notice.

On the other hand, if the fan can name the Super Bowl MVP from each Steelers win, then that will earn the intelligent fan a lifeline which they can use to have one of their douche bag Steeler fan friends saved from the Rams demotion.

INSIC promises to scour the NFL rule book for the next 12 hours looking for any more peculiar changes.

Bengals-Ravens: Win Over Baltimore Costs Cincinnati More Than One Dollar

If you're a Bengals fan, you have absolutely nothing to complain about after yesterday's undressing of the Ravens.

Actually undressing might be a compliment. Stripped naked and beaten with a hacksaw is probably more accurate.

The only negative thing to come out of yesterday's game: the injury to Chris Henry. In case you were one of the 60,000 fans at the game, you probably didn't notice that Henry's arm more or less broke in half (it's officially a forearm injury). The Bengals haven't announced it yet, but INSIC would bet our first born baby's first born baby that Henry is out for the season.

We're going to make a positive out of negative here though: with the emergence of Andre Caldwell, Henry has almost been a non-factor this year. Basically, this is like your ex-girlfriend getting hit by a car, you'll be sad for a second, but then you'll look at your hot new girlfriend and get over it. Get well soon Chris.

Oh and one more thing, in case you were at Sunday's game, or maybe you missed the CBS telecast, the top picture is of Ochocinco trying to buy off the ref. An Ocho third-down catch in the second half was challenged by Baltimore. Chad thought that if he slipped the ref a dollar, the ref might make the call in his favor. Nope. Ocho's toe was out-of-bounds on the play and the call was reversed to incomplete pass.

INSIC is Drunk with Knowledge

Six hours ago, Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati was the most technologically inept web site in existence. To put this in perspective, the blogs 'Babies for Obama' and 'Amish People Against the Internet' both had more know-how than we did.

Not any more though. After a quick and easy tutorial on how to embed videos, we're embedding anything and everything (As opposed to bedding anything and everything, which most of you will be trying to do Halloween night).

First up, we gave you the 24 season 8 preview. Now, we're giving you the Bengals Chad Ochocinco, who appeared on ESPN's 'First Take' this morning.

The female in between Ocho and Skip Bayless is 'First Take' host Dana Jacobsen (pictured). She once got kicked out of a 'roast' for being too drunk. Read that again. Unless you're showing your breasts to small children, there is no reason to ever be kicked out of a roast.

Both videos can be found in the posts below.

Ochocinco Visits ESPN To Talk Bengals Football: Skip Bayless' Voice Will Hurt Your Ears

Bye, Bye, Bye: Bengals Head into Bye Week on Roll After Euthanizing Bears

If you're one of those people that likes to take a shot of whiskey every time the Bengals score a touchdown, then your blackout from Sunday probably just ended today. If you're one of those people that likes to take a shot every time the Bengals score a point, then your probably reading this from the emergency room of your local hospital.
(The Bear at right was pictured throwing up in a trash can after watching Jay Cutler's performance Sunday)
The 45-10 win over the Bears was exciting, but it now brings upon us what should be the two most dreaded words in a Bengals fan's vernacular: 'Bye Week.'


Most people attribute the Bengals lack of success over the past 19 years to Owner Mike Brown, I say shut your mouth before I smack you, because that's just not true. The real culprit: the bye week.

Since the NFL instituted the mandatory week off back in 1990 the Bengals have gone 4-15-1 following the bye. Only Kevin Costner has had less success in the same time period (Seriously Kevin: Waterworld, Swing Vote, Open Range, The Postman. Is your agent illiterate, do you have an agent? Who the hell is picking out your scripts?)

Here's a quick look at the Bengals record going into the bye week since 1990:

1990: 5-4 (TYOTLPW or as most Bengals fans know it, 'The Year of the Last Playoff Win')
1991: 0-4
1992: 2-2 (If it weren't for Brett "F*cking' Favre, the Bengals would have been 3-1 and maybe Dave Shula looks like the best coaching hire in NFL history. I blame Brett Favre for everything from Global warming to the unemployment rate in Detroit)
1993: 0-4, 0-7 (Someone in the NFL offices was smoking a lot of pot prior to the 1993 season, that's the only way to explain why anyone would think two byes in one season would be a good idea. Free hand grenades for homeless people would be a better idea than two byes)
1994: 0-5
1995: 2-4
1996: 1-2
1997: 1-1
1998: 1-3 (Secretly, this is my favorite non-playoff season ever. You're probably thinking, "John, the Bengals went 3-13, I'd rather watch a porn starring Susan Boyle than talk about this season." To that I say, "The Bengals may have gone 3-13, but lets break that down. 2-0 against the Steelers, 1-13 against everyone else. Take that Pittsburgh, put that in your steel city poop pipe")
1999: 4-10
2000: 0-0 (The NFL got so pissed at Mike Brown's ineptitude that they gave the Bengals a week one bye. What in the name of Jeff Query are you supposed to do with an opening week bye?)
2001: 4-3 (It only took a decade, but the Bengals finally go into a bye week over .500. How did they respond? By losing the next 7 games after the bye and finishing 6-10.)
2002: 0-6
2003: 1-4
2004: 1-3
2005: 7-2
2006: 3-1
2007: 1-3
2008: 1-8
2009: 5-2

What does all of this mean? Absolutely nothing. Tomorrow, INSIC will go game by game down the Bengals remaining schedule and predict the outcome of each contest, after we do that, you'll know why Chad's smile is so big in the picture at the bottom of the page.

On a semi-related note, if you stopped watching Letterman because he was having sex with anything that wasn't stapled down in his office (or maybe you stopped watching because he's not funny), you may want to catch his show this Thursday because Ochocinco is going to be a guest.

How Awesome Are These Bengals? Andre Caldwell Threw $1,000 Into Stands After Huge Win Over Steelers

(AP Photo/Tom Uhlman)

by john breech / staff

If you're one of those cool people with a Twitter account and you're a Bengals fan, then you probably follow Mr. Ochocinco.

Leading up to Sunday's game with the Steelers, Chad tweeted to anyone that would listen that he had a huge Spanish themed touchdown celebration planned. The only bad thing about yesterday's game, Chad didn't make it into the end zone, so no one got to see his new celebration... Or so we thought.

It looks like Chad gave Andre Caldwell permission to steal his touchdown celebration after yesterday's game-winning score.

On a completely unrelated note, sales of of shots of tequila went up ten fold in bars across Cincinnati after Caldwell's touchdown.

Anyway, back to the celebration. Caldwell said on his twitter page today that he threw a Pinata into the crowd after the game. What was in the Pinata? Lets just say it wasn't candy (Unless of course you eat money pretending its candy, which wouldn't be normal). Ochocinco filled a pinata with $1,000 in cold hard cash (all one dollar bills) and Caldwell threw it into the stands.

Here's Caldwell on Twitter: Do anybody know what was in the piñata that I threw in the stands after the game yesterday?

it was part of Ocho's celebration it's was a piñata with a 1,000 dollars in one dollar bills.

If anyone has any pictures of this or would like to share any money with INSIC, please let me know.

On a semi-related note, Andre Caldwell is my new God, I will be praying to him at church this Sunday. Sorry old God.