Sports Illustrated Rubs in Bengals Loss, Supports Car Accident Victims: Puts Tom Brady on Cover

If you're a Bengals fan and you plan on hitting up a supermarket, gas station or book store this week, make sure you bring the following three things: 1. matches 2. gasoline 3. enough money to make bail. And just so you know, you'll need about $3,000 to make bail on the third degree arson charge you'll face for burning every Sports Illustrated you see this week.

Now why would you want to burn this week's Sports Illustrated?

Because Tom Brady is on the cover. Brady now becomes the first athlete to take advantage of Sports Illustrated's new 'get in a car accident, get on our cover policy.' This is also his 12th SI cover (meaning someone at Sports Illustrated has an extremely non-straight crush on him), which ties him with Joe Montana for most covers by an NFL player.

Anyway, back to Brady. If you thought you had a big week last week, you're wrong, it was probably pretty lame compared to Tom Brady's. Here is what Brady's last seven days have looked like:

1. Survive a car accident

2. Sign a $74 million contract

3. Dissect the Bengals defense like they're a dead cat in an inner city biology class

4. Get on the cover of Sports Illustrated

We haven't read the cover story, but we don't need to. It will probably talk about Brady's hot wife, his bid to cure AIDS, how he keeps Randy Moss happy by buying him weed from offshore marijuana farms, how the Bengals game plan was so bad that Brady didn't even watch film on them.

Tom Brady you're the reason Its Not Sunny in Cincinnati this week.

Patriots QB Tom Brady in Car Accident, Unfazed, Will Play Sunday

Normally, we don't care if bad things happen to other NFL team's quarterbacks, but since the Bengals open with the Patriots on Sunday, we thought we should let you know that earlier this morning, Tom Brady was involved in a 2-car accident. (As everyone knows, TMZ.com manages to score pictures of everything, the picture below is from TMZ and it shows Brady getting out of his car seconds after the accident).

The van pictured below was allegedly running a red light and Brady T-boned them at an intersection he was green lighted through (i.e. it appears the accident was not his fault). The back left corner of the van is ripped apart because emergency personnel had to use the jaws of life to extricate a passenger from the vehicle.

Here are the facts of the incident from radio station WEEI in Boston, who first reported the accident this morning.

Sources have told the Dennis & Callahan Show that Tom Brady was involved in a car accident near his home at the corner of Commonwealth and Gloucester in Boston Thursday morning.

According to the report Brady was "shaken" and it was believed that the jaws of life were used in what is being described as a "serious" two-car accident that took place just after 6:30 Thursday morning. An Audi with New Jersey plates (belonging to Brady) apparently hit the a Ford minivan at an intersection. One report from WHDH-TV said Brady had a green light while the minivan ran the red, and as a result, Brady hit the side of the minivan, causing the crash. As a result, one or both cars struck a pole, and that pole fell.

Sources indicate that Brady had to be extricated from the vehicle, but did not go to the hospital, declining medical attention and walking away from the scene. As of roughly 8:30 a.m. on Thursday, he was reportedly on his way to work at Gillette Stadium.

UPDATE, 9:22 a.m.: Via Twitter, the Patriots have just made a statement: "Patriots QB Tom Brady was in a car accident this AM He was not hospitalized and is expected at Gillette Stadium today."

Lets all hope this goes better than the last early morning accident involving an incredibly famous athlete.

Ochocinco Rewriting NFL Rulebook for Bengals-Steelers Week Plus Two Other '09 Rule Changes

(This sign is currently hanging over Chad's locker at Paul Brown Stadium)

After a 2008 season where Tom Brady got Bernard Pollard-ed, where Chad Ochocinco only caught four passes for 12 yards and the Steelers won the Super Bowl, the NFL new they had to change some rules before the 2009 season started. So they decided to make three rule changes this year.

Rule 1: Anyone that follows the NFL knows about this rule change, but in case you missed it here it is: If any defensive player looks at Tom Brady in a threatening manner, that player will be penalized 15-yards, fined $19,000 and suspended for three games.

Several defensive players have already complained about the new 'Brady' rule, including Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter.

The NFL explained the rule by saying that Brady should be treated like an 18th century Japanese emperor at all times, meaning no one can look at him or touch him. In a rare turn of events, the NFL mandated that this rule is also applicable off the field. This means that if Bengals safety Roy Williams were to take Brady out to lunch, he would not be able to make eye contact with the pro bowl quarterback without risking a fine, a 15-yard penalty and a suspension.

Rule 2: See above, otherwise known as the Ochocinco rule. This rule was in effect from 2003-07 and it has been reinstated for this season.

Finally, there is Rule 3: This rule only applies to Pittsburgh Steelers fans who are not capable of producing witty comebacks when made fun of.

On August 2 of this year, the NFL decreed that no Steelers fan is allowed to use as a comeback any combination of the following words and/or phrases: 'Six-burgh,' 'We have six super bowl titles,' 'we're world champions six times over' basically, any comeback with the number six in it has been outlawed.

The only exception to this rule is if said Steelers fan can name the year and Super Bowl number in which the six victories came. If they can't, then they are to be immediately demoted from Steelers fan to Rams fan until further notice.

On the other hand, if the fan can name the Super Bowl MVP from each Steelers win, then that will earn the intelligent fan a lifeline which they can use to have one of their douche bag Steeler fan friends saved from the Rams demotion.

INSIC promises to scour the NFL rule book for the next 12 hours looking for any more peculiar changes.