Ochocinco Traded to Patriots for Two Future Drafts Picks and Magic Beans

In only one practice, Ochocinco already has a better relationship with
Tom Brady then he ever had with Carson Palmer. Boston Herald Photo

If you're a  new Bengals fan or a fan under the age of seven, you may not remember this, but back in 2008, the Washington Redskins really wanted Ochocinco.

The Redskins wanted Ocho so badly in fact, that they were willing to give up two first round draft picks, the cure to cancer, a solid 24 carat gold Koala Bear statue (worth over $4 billion), Miley Cyrus' virginity and 93 percent ownership in the team.

The Redskins offered Miley's virginity for Ocho in
2008, but the Bengals turned it down. 

Of course, if you're an old Bengals fan or a fan over the age of seven, you know what happened: Mike Brown vetoed the deal.

Mike Brown loves vetoing deals.

He's vetoed more deals than the last 23 Presidents of the United States combined.

If the Colts offered Mike Brown, Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne for Morgan Trent and the Bengals water boy, Brown would laugh at the offer for 30 minutes, explain to everyone that Trent and the water boy are under contract with the team and then veto the deal. And then he would take a crap in a Paul Brown Stadium bathroom and ask a Hamilton County official to wipe. 

Anyway, back to Ocho.

Ocho was officially traded to the Patriots on Friday for two draft picks, only they weren't first round draft picks, they were fifth and sixth round draft picks. And they're not even for the same year. The fifth round pick is for 2012 while the sixth round pick is for 2013.

The Bengals only have one and a half scouts, so the last thing they need to be doing is trading anyone for draft picks.

Usually, the Bengals don't let their fans down until at least week three of the regular season, this year it looks like they're trying to break new ground.

Cincinnati Bengals Owner Mike Brown Proves He's Not Cheap by Sending INSIC to Atlanta to Scout the Bears

By john breech

It was 7:17 p.m. Sunday evening when the phone call came, it was Bengals owner Mike Brown and he was frantic.

Mike Brown: John, our head scout/only scout Greg Seamon is on vacation. Well, actually, I furloughed him, but that's beside the point, I need a big favor from you.

John: Let me guess, you forgot to DVR 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' again and you want me to tell you what happened.

Mike Brown: No, well yes, wait, I guess I need two favors. First, I need you to tell me what happened on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I heard former Falcon Ed Hartwell is trying to make a comeback, based on the three minutes he was in the episode, do you think he could play tight end for us?

John: No, he's a linebacker. And no I don't think he could play linebacker for us either.

Mike Brown: Whatever, I didn't like him anyway. Favor number two: can you get to the Georgia Dome for tonight's Chicago-Atlanta game and chart every Bears play. Then afterward, can you break down the film and send coach Lewis a detailed 76-page assessment of the Bears offense. It would really help the team out.

John: Sure Mr. Brown, you know I'd do anything for the Bengals. Do you have a press pass waiting for me or should I pick the tickets up at will call?

Mike Brown: Ha, Ha, you definitely have your dad's sense of humor. Come on John, the game is obviously sold out, it's Sunday night. Check stubhub for tickets and remember, we'll reimburse you 12 cents for every $3.00 you spend. Which is three more cents then we were giving Seamon before I furloughed him.

John: I don't know if that seems fair... I mean I would only get reimbursed four dollars if I bought a hundred dollar ticket.

Mike Brown: The answer to that is simple: buy a fifty dollar ticket. John, you have a lot to learn about being a thrifty businessman.

Mike hangs up, three seconds later, I get a text message: Don't forget 2 go 2 game, starts in 1 hr, plz also do asesmnt of Bear dfense, only need 63 pgs 4 that- Katie B. (dad doesn't text)

On the way to the game I discover three things: Everyone tailgates on the publicly provided train, the state's department of health does not recommend drinking tap water at the Georgia dome and all the Bears fans in Atlanta are black (When I found the two white Bears fans pictured below, I felt like I re-discovered a previously extinct species. Black Bears fans are picture above).



Finally after thoroughly scouting the Bears offense (which includes the video below) I think it's safe to say that as long as Matt Forte and Jay Cutler are playing this week, the Bengals are going to win by 26. Call your bookie right now or dial up your Uncle if he takes bets. In case the video is too grainy for you, it shows Dr. Fumble Matt Forte coughing one up at the goal line.

Bengals Owner Mike Brown Not too Popular With Other NFL Owners

Yesterday, Yahoo! sport's Michael Silver wrote a piece ranking NFL Owners.

Now Silver was probably drunk when he did it because he ranked Mike Brown a little high at 31 (We all know he should be 32), but the most telling part of the article is this quote Silver extracted from an anonymous NFL Owner,

"Anything that's going to force him to do any extra work, he speaks out against it," the anonymous owner says about his Bengals counterpart.

According to the article, Brown also hates the people of New Orleans. Saints Owner Tom Benson was trying to do something or other to help the city and Mike Brown was against it, "It's a great American story, Tom Benson defying the skeptics and keeping the Saints in New Orleans and [expletive] Mike Brown speaks out against it."

If I just read this correctly and I like to think that I did, an NFL owner just got so pissed thinking about Mike Brown that he cussed. Wow. Raise your hand if you've ever done that.

Finally, Mr. Anonymous Owner ends with this, "Meanwhile, the guy has the best stadium deal ever. It was completely built for him and he has no operating expenses. He probably makes more money than any of us." I can feel the hatred.

So there you have it Bengals fans, the list of people who think Mike Brown is more useless than a used roll of toilet paper is longer than you think.

Who Dey Revolution, ESPN.com Go National With Bengals Ineptitude... Oh and Check Out BengalsBeerGuy.com

Earlier this week, beloved Bengals owner Mike Brown summed up his grasp on reality with this quote to ESPN.com, "Well, if they've got that kind of money, they ought to buy some tickets." Brown was referring to Who Dey revolution spending $1,000 to embarrass Bengals management at training camp.

Brown has probably never been to the WDR website, but anyone with a Dartmouth degree (Brown has one) should be able to put 2 and 2 together.If someone is paying $1,000 to advertise to the world that you've been a complete and total failure at your job for the past 18 years, they probably want nothing to do with your product.

Let me put this into perspective for Mr. Brown: If you went into a nice restaurant and ordered a Filet Mignon and they served you a dead squirrel with a side of cheetos, you would probably be pretty pissed.

Now, if you went to that restaurant 18 times and the squirrel thing happened 17 of those times, you would be even more pissed, my guess is that you would probably never go to that restaurant again.

Brown needs to understand that Bengals football is getting to this point. Fans want a Filet Mignon, he's serving up a dead squirrel. Now I like dead squirrels as much as the next fan, but I can only stomach about 10 of them before I start to get sick. The Bengals hit the 10 seasons of failure point in 2000.

In the coming days, INSIC is going on the offensive.

Will we make fun of Bengals football? Probably.

Will we write an article about how the second 3 Ninjas movie was intellectually less stimulating then the first one? Maybe.

Will John Breech pick the Bengals to win the AFC North in his annual NFL preview? You bet.

Will he be able to justify said pick? Good Question.

Also, check out bengalsbeerguy.com, it's a website by a Bengals fan/soldier in Iraq. As if this guy's life isn't scary enough (he's in Iraq, which is about as safe as dating Ryan Jenkins), the man spends his downtime cheering for the Bengals.The only more painful combination I can think of is if you're in the Libyan national military and a fan of the Lions.

No death threats from my Libyan readers please.

Alright, I have to go, I'll be on the phone with Andre Smith's agent if you need me.

Bengals Mike Brown Makes More Money Than Steelers Counterpart Dan Rooney (please do not laugh)

So I read about this story last night on AOL Fanhouse and got kind of pissed, but it was late and I was tired, so I went to bed.

Then I wake up this morning and the guys at Who Dey Revolution write something about it. As I read their take, I get even more pissed. So, instead of drowning my cat, I decided to write something about it myself...

Now, if you somehow managed to miss the headline, let me fill you in on the nature of this blog entry. Mike Brown, the awesomely successful General Manager/Guy that won't hire any scouts/Owner of the Bengals makes more money than the Steelers incredibly woeful Dan Rooney.

Wait, I think I completely butchered that. Let's try this again. Since 1991, when Mike Brown took over the Bengals GM/Owner spot, the Bengals have been to exactly zero Super Bowls while making one trip to the playoffs.

The Steelers on the other hand, have made three trips to the Super Bowl (winning two) and so many trips to the playoffs that I stopped keeping track in 1998.

So the shocker here is this, over the past two seasons, Mike Brown has made an average of about $2 million in salary while Dan Rooney has pulled in, wait, wait for it.... about $1.5 million per year.

Are you serious Mike Brown.

Rooney's numbers became public last week when he had to reveal his income as a stipulation for accepting his new job as Ambassador to Ireland.

This is absolutely nuts.

Imagine if I was directing a movie starring Paris Hilton and Meryl Streep and I was like, 'Look Meryl, we all know you've been nominated for a record 12 academy awards, but I think we're going to pay Paris more money, she's been in a Hardee's commercial, plus she has a cooler last name.' I'm thinking Meryl walks right off the set, the only question is if she runs over Paris Hilton with her hybrid on the way out.

Brown's salary was revealed by the Cincinnati Enquirer back in April. Since 1991 Brown has made anywhere between $2-2.6 million per year ($700,000 salary and a GM bonus that has fluctuated between $1.2-1.9 million since 1991).

I'm a Bengals fan, so I won't bash Brown completely, but if we're all lucky, a few Steelers fans will after they read this.

Term 'Draft Steal' Confuses Bengals Owner Brown, Almost Costs Team Maualuga

By John Breech/Staff

The pick of Ray Maualuga seemed like a pretty obvious one for Cincinnati to make Saturday, but according to one team source, the former USC star almost wasn't taken by the Bengals.

The anonymous assistant coach, who was in the Bengals war room on draft day, says that team owner Mike Brown had issues with the term 'draft steal.'

"He thought it was something illegal," says the source. "When we told him we were getting a steal with Maualuga, he actually called up the league office and asked if a 'draft day steal' meant a fine for the organization. Coach Lewis and the team's three scouts did the best they could to keep a straight face."

Most football fans and NFL owners know that the term 'draft steal' is generally given to a prospect that falls below their initial projection. In Maualuga's case, he was widely considered to be a first round choice, but he fell to the second round.

"He's been the head of this franchise for 18 years," the anonymous assistant said of Brown. "And he doesn't know what a draft day steal is, Jesus F. Christ, my fricking four-year-old daughter knows more about football than Mike Brown. I tell you, I almost quit on the spot."

The source went on to say that draft day took an even more embarassing turn when Brown's choice for the Bengals second round pick was not available. "So Mike calls up the league draft offices in New York and announces that the Bengals would like to select Mark Sanchez with the 38th pick," explained the source. "After laughing for at least eight minutes, they informed Mr. Brown that Sanchez had been drafted 33 picks earlier, you know, at pick number five, right before us. Then, to make matters worse, Brown tells them that the Bengals would like to draft Ray Finkle instead. This would have been the funniest thing ever if it was a joke, but he was dead serious."

After team employees explained to Brown that Finkle was a fictional character in a comedic movie, the owner finally relented and OK'd the Maualuga pick.

Three other independent sources confirmed this story to Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati, however, Mike Brown was unavailable for comment.