Bengals Release 2012 Preseason Schedule

These are the only three fans in Cincinnati that are excited for preseason football.

Nobody cares about preseason football, but we still felt obligated to post this, mainly because its NFL news in April and everyone loves NFL news in April.


Bengals 2012 Preseason Schedule

Week 1 (Aug. 9-13) -- New York Jets. Call the Pope, call your priest, if you have a kid with a terminal illness, get him to Paul Brown Stadium, Tim Tebow is coming to Cincinnati. 

August 16 (8 p.m. ET, Fox) -- At Atlanta. The Carrot Top Cannon vs. Matty Ice on national television. Get your carrots and beer bongs ready. Also, don't be shocked if the Georgia Dome is 86 percent full with people wearing A.J. Green jerseys. Green was a legend at UGA which is only about an hour from Atlanta.

Week 3 (Aug. 23-27) -- Green Bay Packers. Starters usually see some serious playing time during week three of the preseason, so this game may not actually be a waste of money. Expect 2011 NFL MVP Aaron Rodgers to play at least a quarter. Also, bring cheese, Packers fans will do anything for cheese.

Week 4 (Aug 30-31) -- At Indianapolis. The Bengals and Indy are basically friends with benefits. They get drunk all night, swear they won't hookup, but then leave the bar together every time to have sex. Or in football terms, the two teams always end the preseason together. Starters don't usually play in the final preseason game, but if presumptive No. 1 draft pick Andrew Luck struggles at all during training camp, the Colts brass may decide to play him in a series or two against the Bengals.

Preseason note: In case you're wondering how worthless the preseason is, consider this: the Bengals have made the playoffs three times under Marvin Lewis. In those three seasons, they went 2-2 (2005), 2-2 (2009) and 1-3 (2011) in the preseason.

The Bengals went 4-0 in the 2006 postseason, but missed the playoffs. By three feet. How do you miss the playoffs by three feet? Your kicker (cough, Shayne Graham, cough) misses a 39-yard field goal in the season finale that would have clinched a playoff spot.

If the NFL sticks to its usual calendar, the regular season schedule should be released some time in the next two weeks, we're guessing April 17.

Is Nike Going to Completely Redesign the Cincinnati Bengals Uniforms? No, but Someone Went Through A Lot of Trouble to Convince you Otherwise

Are these the Bengals new jersey's? Lets pray to Paul Brown that they're not. 

In case you haven't heard, back in October, the NFL announced that Nike will start manufacturing NFL jersey's beginning in 2012. So that jersey you're wearing now, you should just set it on fire because it will be worthless and outdated in two years.

The NFL puts the jersey rights up to bid every few years and Nike, who has a bank account with 77 Bajilliion, million, Bill Gatesillion dollars in it, outbid Reebok for the rights to produce the jerseys.

If you've ever watched an Oregon football game, then you know that Nike designing anything uniform related is a horrible idea. How horrible of an idea is it, it's on par with letting a hungry lion babysit your 9-month old baby.

Anyway, shortly after the Nike-jersey announcement was made, Nike Executive Charlie Denson was quoted as saying that Nike planned on "changing the NFL jersey dramatically, just like we've done with college programs."

Earlier today, a crazy NFL fan with 48 free hours on his hands scared the shit out of every on the internet when he released 32 sketches. The jersey sketches were reported to be leaked from Nike and they were reported to be the jersey that each team will be wearing in 2012.

However, Nike denies that they would sketch something so ugly and they say they have nothing to do with the jersey images that showed up on the internet this morning.

Apparently a fan took it upon himself to design new uniforms for all 32 NFL teams. Now there's crazy (locking your neighbor's cat in a closet without food or water for nine days) and then there's crazy -- wasting three days of your life designing 32 NFL uniforms that are arguably uglier than Joan Rivers plastic-surgery botched, impossible to look at face (Seriously, we dare you to try and stare at that face for more than 30 seconds).

If you want to see all 32 designs, go here. If you ate Count Chocula for breakfast this morning and now have no more and are currently wondering where you can get more, go here. 

Oh and for some reason, even though we're a Cincinnati blog, half of our readers are Pittsburgh fans, so here's a picture of the Steelers sketch.

It is not known if the Steelers pants will have a hole in the crotch so that Ben Roethlisberger won't even have to take them off when he sexually assaults 19-year-old girls. 

Cincinnati Bengals Get Shout Out on Entourage

97.3 percent of the time, the Bengals get no respect. Sunday night on HBO, their 2.7 percent of national respect finally came, thanks to Dallas owner Jerry Jones.

The Cowboys owner guest starred on the July 11 episode of Entourage and instead of making fun of his NFC East opponents, he sat back and watched as Ari Gold's assistant Lizzy made fun of the NFL's most pathetic franchise, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

If you don't waste your money on HBO (no one smart does), then you might be saying: INSIC, please set up the episode for us.

Well, all right, here we go.

In the Vincent Chase world of Entourage, Ari is trying to earn the TV rights for the NFL. He has to convince a few important owners (like Jones) before he can make this happen.

Anyway, let's stop prefacing, just watch this video: Jones smiles as Ari Gold's assistant makes fun of fictional Steelers employee Lee Gordon -- the Ben Roethlisberger loving, sexual assaualt approving, Pittsburgh executive in the room -- it was a sight to behold.

Entourage is our new favorite show.

Bengals Owner Mike Brown Not too Popular With Other NFL Owners

Yesterday, Yahoo! sport's Michael Silver wrote a piece ranking NFL Owners.

Now Silver was probably drunk when he did it because he ranked Mike Brown a little high at 31 (We all know he should be 32), but the most telling part of the article is this quote Silver extracted from an anonymous NFL Owner,

"Anything that's going to force him to do any extra work, he speaks out against it," the anonymous owner says about his Bengals counterpart.

According to the article, Brown also hates the people of New Orleans. Saints Owner Tom Benson was trying to do something or other to help the city and Mike Brown was against it, "It's a great American story, Tom Benson defying the skeptics and keeping the Saints in New Orleans and [expletive] Mike Brown speaks out against it."

If I just read this correctly and I like to think that I did, an NFL owner just got so pissed thinking about Mike Brown that he cussed. Wow. Raise your hand if you've ever done that.

Finally, Mr. Anonymous Owner ends with this, "Meanwhile, the guy has the best stadium deal ever. It was completely built for him and he has no operating expenses. He probably makes more money than any of us." I can feel the hatred.

So there you have it Bengals fans, the list of people who think Mike Brown is more useless than a used roll of toilet paper is longer than you think.

Favre Watch, Day 472: Reports Say Favre Might Play for Every NFL Team This Season

By John Breech/Staff

In what comes as a shock to absolutely no one, Brett Favre announced today that he will attempt to play for all 32 NFL teams during the upcoming 2009 football season. His only stipulation so far is that he must be named the starter for any and all clubs he would play for. Favre, who hates the media and is more emotional than a teenage girl that just saw The Notebook, held a press conference via cell phone text message earlier this afternoon.

Minutes into his press conference, the former Packer legend was insulted when Ed Werder from ESPN sent him a text that read:

“How u going 2 start 4 32 teams n 16 games, math doesn’t add up.”

Favre annoyingly answered Werder’s question by explaining that if he plays one half of football each week for a different team, then his goal would be highly attainable. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell then immediately sent out a mass text to the media elaborating on what was surely going to be the next question:

“Can you legally trade a player at halftime?”

According to Goodell, the answer is yes. However, Goodell did note that if the answer actually isn't 'yes,' he would make it 'yes' as soon 'as humanly possible.'

John Clayton, who was reporting from a trash can on Favre’s driveway, sent in this text:

“2 questions, rumors say you were going 2 Vikings and do u think a 7-year-old girl could take me in a fist fight?”

Favre answered that one with, “Yes, the Vikings were an option, but then I thought, ‘we all know I’m not retiring until I play for all 32 teams except the Lions, so why not just get it over with now.’ So that’s what I’m going to do. And to answer your second question, if the young girl was blindfolded or sleeping, you might have a chance.”

Twelve minutes into the interview, the press conference abruptly ended when Favre changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to have a press conference any more. Seconds after the press conference concluded, Favre reportedly killed his cat because he decided he likes dogs better.

Just like ESPN, Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati will extensively cover every decision Brett Favre makes this offseason, no matter how trivial. As a matter of fact, Chris Mortenson just reported seconds ago that Favre will be eating Kix for breakfast tomorrow morning. Keep reading for the latest updates.

Super Bowl XLIII (The Greatest Ever?)

Seriously, five minutes after Super Bowl XLIII was over, I heard the word 'greatest' being tossed around like a midget in a kinky porn. Greatest catch ever (No), Greatest Super Bowl ever (No) and the Steelers may have the greatest D ever (Not even close).

Lets work right to left alphabetically speaking: First of all, this wasn't the Greatest Super Bowl ever, as everyone at SI.com seems to think, from Peter King to Don "My Super Bowl Snap Judgements Sucked" Banks.

The first three quarters of this game were so boring that I started watching old episodes of Full House (Usually I'm blacked out in a seedy Mexican hotel room if I'm watching Full House). Not once during my childhood did I ever find Uncle Joey entertaining, however, after watching the first three quarters of this game, I found him funnier then season one of Family Guy.

Anyway, while scouring the world wide web, I really only found two people who agree with me about this not being the Superest Super Bowl ever; Luke "My reasons make no sense, but my article is being linked here because I agree with Breech" Russert (I mean seriously Luke, this isn't baseball, you don't need a rivalry game to make for a big Super Bowl) and Mike "I somehow managed to mention Beverly Hills Cop III without being funny" Freeman.

Let me quote Mr. King on why Super Bowl XXIII (my personal favorite) wasn't the best:

Super Bowl XXIII had Joe Montana driving the 49ers 11 plays and 92 yards for the winning touchdown with 34 second left was a classic finish, but again, not a classic game.

Gee, Pete, just insert XLIII for XXIII and Warner or Roethlisberger for Montana and you just described Sunday's game. I will say that hands down, the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLIII was the wildest ride ever.

I spilled my popcorn, dropped a slice of pizza and choked on a piece of broccoli, all in a span of eight minutes. Just when I thought things couldn't get crazier, someone would safety someone, then when I thought the vaunted Steeler D would step up, they pull the defensive equivalent of a Scott Norwood, but instead of wide right, they went wide open, as in they just left the entire field wide open for Larry Fitzgerald and friends, handing the Cardinals a touchdown on a silk snuggie.

Then, just when I thought Ben had hit his career peak on the first drive of the game (because seriously, between that drive and the final drive, what in the name of Art Rooney did he do), he makes miraculous play after miraculous play looking like an experimental breeding of Randall Cunningham and Joe Montana gone horribly right.

Then what happens? "The Catch II," or the Immaculate reception II or what ever the hell you want to call it, but the way I see it, the only person luckier then Ben Roethlisberger today is Turtle from Entourage because he's nailing Jamie Lynn Sigler (Not just on the show, but in real life).

Ben himself said on Letterman the night after the game that he was lucky the ball wasn't picked. That's right people, on the most important play of the game, Ben might as well have been blindfolded because he just threw it up and crossed his fingers that he wasn't going to become the next Neil O'Donnell (Steelers fans, we know that name rings a bell).

Holmes for his part told the media after the game that he didn't even have to jump for the ball. I repeat, the man didn't jump, the catch itself wasn't impressive, it was the fact that he kept his toes in, but guess what, Holmes had no pressure on him, if he drops it, it's third down and at worst, the Steelers kick the Field Goal and go to OT. And who was covering him, three high school safeties, what the hell happened there?

Tyree's catch is number one, if you look at this picture, you'll still think he doesn't catch it, if I was a Patriots fan, I would have just thrown up looking at that link. And in the Bizarro world where Tyree doesn't catch this pass (on fourth down mind you), the Patriots go 19-0, Tom Brady is elected president, New York Minute is a good movie and Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline (wait that actually happened).

I'll let CBS's Gregg Doyel tell you why I'm wrong... Although if Doyel looks at the picture on his OWN page, he'll notice there is nothing special about Holmes' effort, he is sitting there waiting for the ball people, WAITING, if it gets tipped, great nice play by the Cards, if it doesn't, Holmes has to do nothing except catch it and keep his toes in and milk the MVP award for everything it's worth....

I really want to break down Harrison's interception, but that might take all day, kind of like the actual run back. I mean what the hell happened, did Boldin and Fitzgerald take a bathroom break before they began pursuit, those two can run 100 yards in the time it takes Harrison to go 30.

Holy Crap, I'm out of breath, but let's talk about the Steeler's defense. All you normal people out there probably know that slapping a woman is not a good idea. Well that's basically what the Steeler's did four times this season.

TWENTY FIVE PERCENT of their schedule was against the two worst offenses in football (Bengals and Browns). Look at the division, Fitzpatrick, Flacco and Anderson/Quinn; me, a chipmunk and the cast of Mean Girls could have fielded a top 10 defense against that slate. But it gets worse, nine of their 16 games were against teams with bottom 12 offenses. Wait can I go one step further please, I'm on a roll, what happened when the Steelers went against top 10 offenses, glad you asked; 2-2 in the regular season, 1-0 in the post season. Kurt Warner should be arrested for Statutory Rape because that's what the old man did to the young Steeler defense.

The goat of the game is Arizona Offensive coordinator Todd Haley, honestly, did he have a child before the game because he was on maternity leave the whole first half.

Haley, were you really trying to run the ball, everyone who has ever watched four seconds of football knows that the Kryptonite of the Steeler D is the spread. Line up four or five receivers and the Steelers look more confused then someone watching season 3 of Lost.

Alright, well, that's all for today, but be sure to tune in next week when I think of 10 more reasons why the Steelers piss me off and Cincinnati Fans, it goes without saying that watching the Steelers win the Super Bowl is like getting kicked in the nuts by someone with Down Syndrome, it's painful and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.