National League Manager Charlie Manuel Explains Joey Votto All-Star Snub in Two Words: "He Sucks"

At a press conference today in Philadelphia, Phillies skipper Charlie Manuel -- who will be managing the 2010 National League All-Star team -- finally told reporters why he didn't put Cincinnati Reds first baseman Joey Votto on the NL roster.

"I'll be blunt," Manuel told the large contingent of media gathered at Citizen's Bank Ball Park. "He sucks. I've been evaluating baseball talent for over 30 years and Votto is the third worst player I have ever seen. The transgendered cashier I had at Kroger last night has more talent in his left hand than Votto has in his whole body."

After Manuel's statement, one reporter quickly pointed out that Votto is in the top five of almost every key statistical category (home runs, walks, on-base percentage, RBI's, slugging percentage, runs scored, batting average). Manuel shrugged that off, saying, "Does he have a World Series ring? Can he hit a triple? Has he ever gone out to a nice dinner at the Olive garden with the Philly Phanatic? No, no and no. He probably doesn't even know what's on the Olive Garden menu. No way he's on my All-Star team."

Manuel, who personally selected 10 of the team's 34 players, decided to give the third and final first baseman's roster spot to the Phillies Ryan Howard rather than Votto. The other first basemen on the team are Albert Pujols of St. Louis and Adrian Gonzalez of San Diego.

(If Votto -- pictured above -- isn't put on the National League roster, we can probably all agree that he'll be spending his All-Star break with the girl with the giant hoop earrings on the left)

"My dog R. How [Ryan Howard] is having a great season," Manuel said of his slugger. "I mean seriously, how could I leave How-Dog off the team? He's batting .296, he has 59 RBI's and 15 home runs. With those stats, forget the All-Star game, he should be named MVP of the World. When do they vote on that?"

When told there is no such award as "MVP of the World," Manuel replied, "There really should be and How-Dog really should win it."

Later in the press conference, Manuel was told that Votto has a National League leading 21 homers, which is actually more than Howard's 15, "That's just not impressive," Manuel said. "If Votto wants to hit his fancy nancy home runs, there's a contest for that, it's called a home run derby. R. How only has 15 home runs this year because he's hitting for average."

When Manuel was alerted to the fact that Votto -- who is batting .318 this season (22 points higher than Howard) -- is also hitting for average, he had a rebuttal for that, "My deaf niece could hit .300 at Great American Ball Park, probably .400 if she wasn't deaf," said Manuel. "If Votto played in Philadelphia at Citizen's Bank Ball Park, he would be batting .172, probably closer to .113 if he was deaf."

One writer then brought up the fact that Votto leads the National League in OPS (on-base percentage plus slugging percentage).

"Great, some crack smoking, meth addicted nut job who's probably related to [Red Sox General Manager] Theo Epstein or [A's GM] Billy Beane invents a stat and Votto leads the league in it, that's impressive." Manuel griped. "Here's one for you: guess who leads the league in most third inning hits after drinking purple Gatorade during day time road games? I'll give you a hint, it's not Joey Votto. It's my boy Ryan Howard. Anyone can make up a stat and make their guy look good."

Manuel did go on to say that although he doesn't know what sabermetrics are, he has always been fascinated by saber-toothed tigers.

After an hour of answering questions, Manuel began to look perturbed. He agreed to field one more question, which was something along the lines of "what if fans vote Votto into the last All-Star slot [The final National League roster spot will be handed out July 8 based on fan voting]."

Manuel had a simple answer for that, "I won't play him. Honestly, the guy is in the National League Central. There are bible camp wiffle ball leagues that are more competitive. If he goes up against a real pitcher in the All-Star game, my guess is that he will strike out three times and probably wet his pants."

(This is a fake story, Charlie Manuel didn't actually say any of these things. But there is a 50/50 chance that he thought them)

Roethlisberger Does Unthinkable: Steeler QB Goes 40 Days Without Being Accused of Sexual Assault

Most Steelers fans aren't aware of it, but today, April 14, 2010, represents a huge milestone for their starting quarterback.

Ben Roethlisberger has now gone 40 days without being accused of sexual assault.

Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin was as shocked as anyone at the news, "Now-a-days, we're lucky if he goes two weeks without being charged with some sort of sexual crime," Tomlin said. "So, as a team, we decided that if he made it too 40 days without being charged, we were going to do something special for him."

Asked to elaborate on what that 'special' gesture might be, Tomlin only offered a few minor details, "Lets just say its going to involve a giant cake, a purple man thong and Kordell Stewart."

Not surprisingly, Roethlisberger was at a bar in downtown Pittsburgh celebrating his milestone. "I don't know when having sex with hot girls started being illegal. I guess I just don't understand the law," Roethlisberger said, before adding, "But after this latest accusation, I've decided I have to change my ways."

When asked why he had to changed his ways, Roethlisberger gave an answer that may surprise some people, "It wasn't the negative stigma that comes with a second sexual assault accusation," the Steeler QB said. "It was having my beef jerky line dropped. Big Ben's Beef Jerky was a really, really good jerky and because of my actions, thousands of people in Pennsylvania will never get to experience quality beef jerky."

PLB Sports President Ty Ballou (PLB makes the fantastic jerky) did say that the company may re-sign Roethlisberger now that he has hit the 40 day plateau. "40 days is a long time to go without being accused of sexual assault," Ballou said. "So yes, we are in fact thinking about re-signing Ben."

As for Roethlisberger, the beef jerky isn't the only thing he wants back, he wants his locks back. "I was pretty pissed I had to cut my hair to meet with [NFL Commissioner Roger] Goodell," said the 2-time Super Bowl winning quarterback. "I spent the last nine months trying to look like former WWE Wrestling Superstar Hacksaw Jim Duggan and then they make me cut it, that's dirty, smelly, horse crap."

Duggan and Roethlisberger are pictured below.

Bearcats Brian Kelly Has Simple Solution For Next Season: He'll Coach Notre Dame and UC

Two hours before today's Big East showdown against Pitt, Cincinnati head football coach Brian Kelly made a stunning announcement: he plans to coach both Notre Dame AND Cincinnati next season.

In a statement released by the school, Kelly had this to say:

"As most of you have noticed, I am bored. Over the last three seasons I have treated the Big East like Michael Jordan would treat a homeless basketball league. I have absolutely dominated. I've racked up a 32-6 record against inferior competition. Because the competition is so poor, I'm only in the coach's office on UC's campus about three hours per day. So last night I did the math: If I only have to spend three hours a day coaching Cincinnati, this means I could put nine hours a day towards coaching Notre Dame (God knows they need it), I could then put three hours towards the Cincinnati-South Bend commute -which I will make in a blackhawk helicopter that Notre Dame will provide- this would then give me three hours to hang out with my family and six hours to sleep."

Later in his 72 page statement, Kelly took a jab at some past Notre Dame coaches.

"People think that there is a problem in South Bend. There is a problem, it's called horrible coaching. I have more coaching talent in my elbow than Tyrone Willingham or Bob Davie had in their whole body. And Charlie Weis, sweet Mary Magdalene, you give me Tom Brady and the Patriot offense and we would score 72 points a quarter, minimum. My infant son could have coached Notre Dame to nine wins this season and Weis only pulled off six."

When Kelly's statement was released at 10 a.m. this morning, many thought it was a joke. However, Notre Dame Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick confirmed the hiring in this statement released to the media just before 11:30 a.m.

"We've been turned down by Bob Stoops, Urban Meyer and Gary Patterson, so at this point we're in a desperate situation that only Tiger Woods could possibly understand. We told Coach Kelly we would do whatever it takes to get him and at that point, he made a list of three things he wanted:

1. A blackhawk helicopter
2. For me, Jack Swarbrick, to stop referring to myself in the third person
3. To still be able to coach the Bearcats.

Of course we said Yes, no and of course. Coach Kelly will be taking over on Tuesday December 8. He will coach the Bearcats from 9 a.m.-noon as they prepare for their bowl and then he will fly to South Bend to practice with the Irish from 1:30-10:30 p.m.

Thank you, we'll comment further on this next week."

Bengals Frustrate Everyone, Including Their Kicker, INSIC Has Contract Negotiation Audio to Prove It

(The picture above is from the actual Facebook profile of Cincinnati Bengals Kicker Shayne Graham. Click on it to see it more clearly and yes, he is wearing a bad-ass motorcycle helmet)

What's it like negotiating with the Cincinnati Bengals? Glad you asked. 

We've obtained a recording that took place between Shayne Graham, his agent Rob Roche and Bengals management. The two sides were trying to negotiate a long term deal for Shayne and they had until 4 p.m. on July 15 to do it. Currently, as the franchise player, Shayne is only signed for one year.

Lets see how well you know the Bengals: raise your hand if you think something productive actually happened at this meeting... Good, everyone here knows the Bengals, lets get to the juicy stuff:

(Negotiating for the Bengals are the hot husband and wife tandem of Troy and Katie Blackburn)

Roche: Alright guys, lets keep this short and sweet, you tagged Shayne at $2.48 million, lets say 4-years, $10 million and call it a day.

K. Blackburn: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, hold on a second. You ever heard of a little guy named Jim Breech, the team's all-time leading scorer. He only made like $90,000 in his seventh year with the team.

Roche: Uh, Katie, that was in 1986, the average salary wasn't even a half million, I really don't think that any former player's salary should come into play here, especially a player from the 1980's.

K. Blackburn: Oh, so now you're better than Boomer Esiason, I bet you want to make more money then him. You're a selfish head.

Roche: Katie, I want to make sure my client gets market value.

T. Blackburn: Ahhh, we feel you Roche, alright. How about 4-years, $500,000 and we'll throw in free HBO... You know everyone on the team gets free HBO this season, that is so cool, god my father-in-law is awesome.

K. Blackburn: Yea he is honey, good one (Troy and Katie high-five), remember Thanksgiving in 1993 when dad didn't bring home a Turkey because he said he was robbed but then we found out later it was because Bigg's wouldn't give him a discount for being Mike Brown and then he killed a chipmunk and we ate that thinking it was Turkey, oh my gosh, being related to my father is a trip.

Roche: Can we please get back to negotiations.

Graham: Look, I was going to keep quiet, but Troy, that offer you gave me isn't even the league minimum, I couldn't accept it if I wanted too.

T. Blackburn: Oh so now you're too good for free HBO, you punk kids really bother me.

Roche: What the hell are you talking about, I think Shayne was referring to the 4-year, $500,000 part of the deal, that's only $125,000 a year.

T. Blackburn: You know Boomer Esiason never turned down free HBO.

Shayne: Rob lets go.

K. Blackburn: Shayne you can't leave, this is called negotiating, it doesn't happen overnight. Ask Justin Smith.

Roche: Alright lets get serious, Rob Bironas in Tennessee just signed a 4-year, $12-million offer. Can we do it or not.

K. Blackburn: Oh he deserves that, he's my favorite player ever, he never misses any kicks.

Roche: With all due respect Ms. Blackburn, my client is the most accurate kicker in NFL history, this means that he misses less kicks than Mr. Bironas.

T. Blackburn: Honey, remember when we saw Rob Bironas play tennis with Boomer Esiason. Shayne, have you ever played tennis with Boomer Esiason.

(Graham looks at Roche, makes a gun with his hand and puts it to his head)

K. Blackburn: You know what Shayne, I was just thinking, who cares if you played tennis with Boomer Esiason. I mean it's fun because Boomer is really good at tennis, but I suppose it's irrelevant. We'll go up to 2-years, $2-million, we'll give you a $100 gift certificate to Babies 'R' Us and you can use the team's Kroger plus card for two weeks. Now come on Shayne, no intelligent human being would turn that down.

Graham: Lets see, I'm single, I don't even know what a baby looks like and Kroger Plus Cards are FREE to anyone that wants one, what the hell would the upside be to taking this offer.

T. Blackburn: You know Shayne, if you think about the money you save at Kroger with the card and then add that to the deal, I think that moves it right up to the numbers you want.

K. Blackburn: Corlin Palmer saved $800 dollars at Kroger last year. That is a lot of money Shayne.

Graham: Jesus lord of God, his name is Carson. Rob, we're leaving.

T. Blackburn: Come on Shayne-O, it's 3:58 p.m., we have two minutes to make a deal, give us a chance.

Roche: Alright, make your final offer.

[Phone Rings]

K. Blackburn: OH LOOK HONEY, its Boomer Esiason...

T. Blackburn: She has to take this, sorry guys. We'll talk next year.

[Roche fires himself on the way out so that he no longer has to deal with the Bengals]

Stern Fires All NBA Refs After Kobe-LeBron Finals Doesn't Materialize

By John Breech/Staff

David Stern wasn't kidding. Three days after the Orlando Magic eliminated the Cleveland Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference Finals, the NBA commissioner has reacted by firing all 65 referees currently under contract with the league.

In a terse statement released by the NBA at 12:32 p.m. today, Stern was unapologetic about chopping 65 jobs during a recession: "I think we can all agree that stupid people shouldn't have jobs," the commissioner said. "And after you hear what I'm about say, you'll realize that every NBA ref was walking the fine line between 'stupid' and 'not smart, but not stupid.'"

Stern then vindicated conspiracy theorists everywhere with his next line, "Most people already know that the NBA is more fixed than professional wrestling," the statement began. "So what I am about to say should not come as a shock to anyone that has ever watched an NBA game."

"Myself and Joe Borgia [the league's head of officiating] had a lengthy discussion with each official at the beginning of the season. We told them that they could interpret the rulebook however they wanted this year...with one catch; Kobe and LeBron had to make it to the Finals."

Many have theorized that NBA games are fixed, but Stern, elaborating on his fixed comment two paragraphs above, shook that off, saying only some games are fixed and that the NBA has never fixed a Clippers game. "If you have ever bet real, actual American money on the Clippers, then you probably shouldn't be gambling in the first place."

Stern also explained why game officials were rarely punished this year.

"Yes, our referees showed a blatant disregard for the rules this season, but we were willing to look the other way because Kobe and LeBron were on track to meet in the Finals."

At that point, Stern began to shed tears as he continued reading the statement, "According to our research, a Kobe-LeBron finals would have reaped benefits for every man, woman, and child alive."

"The two of those superstars in a seven-game series would have ended the economic crisis, fixed California's financial problems, and brought in over $86 billion in merchandise sales. Thanks to our selfish officials, who decided to grow a conscience for this one series [the Eastern Conference Finals], none of this will happen."

Stern finished the statement with more shocking news, "We now have a standing invitation to any and all current or former WWE officials. They will have first dibs on these 65 spots. If we are unable to fill our roster in this manner, we will rehire Tim Donaghy and anyone he vouches for. Thank you for your time and I won't be answering any questions."

Stern also apologized to the city of Cleveland, "Although the city of Cleveland is beyond repair and no amount of cash inflow could ever help it, it would have been nice for the 17 rich and successful people in Cleveland to have attended the NBA Finals to cheer on their Cavaliers."

Mass Suicide Averted in Cleveland After LeBron Hits Three-Point Prayer to Beat Magic

By John Breech/Staff

LeBron James' miraculous game-winning basket Friday night not only won the Cavaliers game two of the Eastern Conference Finals, but it looks like the shot also saved the lives of over one million Clevelanders.

"I don't care what anybody tells you, a mass suicide was going to happen," says Joe Fagerton who was leaving the only downtown bar in the city that stays open past 6:30 p.m. "After we lost the Browns to Baltimore in 1996, everyone in the city agreed that if we got [pooped] on again, we were going to kill ourselves."

According to Fagerton, Mayor Frank Jackson requires every citizen in the city to carry around a cyanide pill. Jackson, who says he refers to Cleveland as 'Jonestown' sometimes, didn't deny Fagerton's accustation.

"First of all, we live in Cleveland which is bad enough, then you throw in the whole Elway 'Drive' thing, the Jordan shot in 1989 that knocked the Cavs out of the playoffs, the 1995 and 1997 World Series where we lose to the Braves and Marlins. I mean the Braves, are you kidding, they lost like 20 World Series in the 90's and the only one they win is against us. Then the Marlins, what the [expletive removed], they had been a team for like three months when they beat us and now they've won more championships then every pro sports team in the city combined."

Jackson continued further, "Then Art Modell moves our beloved Browns, which you can't really blame him for because living here is like living in a cat's litter box that hasn't been cleaned in four years. But still, he moved the team. LeBron James is all we have going for us... Well that and we might win the 'who's been the butt of the most jokes since 1985' contest against Michael Jackson."

The Mayor later explained that for some Clevelanders, the losses are taking their toll.

"After the game one loss [to the Magic], some people just couldn't take it anymore, so they took their pill," laments the Mayor. "And I can't blame them, I mean if I had a choice between living in Cleveland or being dead, lets just say I wouldn't be living in Cleveland."

The Mayor said that thanks to Lebron's shot, the city's collective suicide is now on hold... unless the Cavs lose the series that is. "It's definitely possible that they lose, I mean we're prepared for that. What most people don't understand is how serious we are," the Mayor says. "But we proved our point back in 97, a small group of Clevelanders out in San Diego said that if the Indians lost to the Marlins in the World Series, they would end their lives and they did exactly that..."

Hot White Female Hotel Employees Under the Age of 25 Given Weekend Off in Colorado

It's Never Sunny in Cincinnati was shocked to learn today that young attractive white females in the Colorado hotel industry will not have to show up for work this weekend per a gubernatorial order.

Although details are still murky, it appears that governor Bill Ritter Jr. sent a memo out to every Marriott, Hilton, and Motel 6 in the state asking managers not to schedule any employees that have "huge breasts and/or a round ass."

"We're not sure exactly what's going on," said a Marriot concierge who asked not to be indentified because of the sensitive nature of the situation. "However, the rumor is that Ritter is worried because this is the first time Kobe will spend more than 24 hours in Colorado since.... uh.... well, you know..."

When reached for comment, the governor refused to admit such a memo existed, although he did state that his incredibly hot 22-year-old daughter Heather, who works at a Denver area Doubletree Hotel, would be spending the weekend "somewhere really far away, probably Canada."

A spokesperson for the governor did offer this statement, "It is very common in the state of Colorado for one gender or age group or race to be given time off once in awhile. During black history month, we let black people come to work five minutes late on a day of their choosing. On Cinco De Mayo, the state wide Mexican population was given a coupon for a free Taco Bell nachos supreme. This weekend, we just happen to be requesting that incredibly attractive young females don't work their hotel jobs."

This may all relate to the Kobe Bryant rape incident (charges were dropped) that took place in Cordillera, Co. in 2003, but without more information, it's hard to say. INSIC will offer further details on the matter as they become available.

Favre Watch, Day 472: Reports Say Favre Might Play for Every NFL Team This Season

By John Breech/Staff

In what comes as a shock to absolutely no one, Brett Favre announced today that he will attempt to play for all 32 NFL teams during the upcoming 2009 football season. His only stipulation so far is that he must be named the starter for any and all clubs he would play for. Favre, who hates the media and is more emotional than a teenage girl that just saw The Notebook, held a press conference via cell phone text message earlier this afternoon.

Minutes into his press conference, the former Packer legend was insulted when Ed Werder from ESPN sent him a text that read:

“How u going 2 start 4 32 teams n 16 games, math doesn’t add up.”

Favre annoyingly answered Werder’s question by explaining that if he plays one half of football each week for a different team, then his goal would be highly attainable. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell then immediately sent out a mass text to the media elaborating on what was surely going to be the next question:

“Can you legally trade a player at halftime?”

According to Goodell, the answer is yes. However, Goodell did note that if the answer actually isn't 'yes,' he would make it 'yes' as soon 'as humanly possible.'

John Clayton, who was reporting from a trash can on Favre’s driveway, sent in this text:

“2 questions, rumors say you were going 2 Vikings and do u think a 7-year-old girl could take me in a fist fight?”

Favre answered that one with, “Yes, the Vikings were an option, but then I thought, ‘we all know I’m not retiring until I play for all 32 teams except the Lions, so why not just get it over with now.’ So that’s what I’m going to do. And to answer your second question, if the young girl was blindfolded or sleeping, you might have a chance.”

Twelve minutes into the interview, the press conference abruptly ended when Favre changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to have a press conference any more. Seconds after the press conference concluded, Favre reportedly killed his cat because he decided he likes dogs better.

Just like ESPN, Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati will extensively cover every decision Brett Favre makes this offseason, no matter how trivial. As a matter of fact, Chris Mortenson just reported seconds ago that Favre will be eating Kix for breakfast tomorrow morning. Keep reading for the latest updates.

Term 'Draft Steal' Confuses Bengals Owner Brown, Almost Costs Team Maualuga

By John Breech/Staff

The pick of Ray Maualuga seemed like a pretty obvious one for Cincinnati to make Saturday, but according to one team source, the former USC star almost wasn't taken by the Bengals.

The anonymous assistant coach, who was in the Bengals war room on draft day, says that team owner Mike Brown had issues with the term 'draft steal.'

"He thought it was something illegal," says the source. "When we told him we were getting a steal with Maualuga, he actually called up the league office and asked if a 'draft day steal' meant a fine for the organization. Coach Lewis and the team's three scouts did the best they could to keep a straight face."

Most football fans and NFL owners know that the term 'draft steal' is generally given to a prospect that falls below their initial projection. In Maualuga's case, he was widely considered to be a first round choice, but he fell to the second round.

"He's been the head of this franchise for 18 years," the anonymous assistant said of Brown. "And he doesn't know what a draft day steal is, Jesus F. Christ, my fricking four-year-old daughter knows more about football than Mike Brown. I tell you, I almost quit on the spot."

The source went on to say that draft day took an even more embarassing turn when Brown's choice for the Bengals second round pick was not available. "So Mike calls up the league draft offices in New York and announces that the Bengals would like to select Mark Sanchez with the 38th pick," explained the source. "After laughing for at least eight minutes, they informed Mr. Brown that Sanchez had been drafted 33 picks earlier, you know, at pick number five, right before us. Then, to make matters worse, Brown tells them that the Bengals would like to draft Ray Finkle instead. This would have been the funniest thing ever if it was a joke, but he was dead serious."

After team employees explained to Brown that Finkle was a fictional character in a comedic movie, the owner finally relented and OK'd the Maualuga pick.

Three other independent sources confirmed this story to Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati, however, Mike Brown was unavailable for comment.

Unemployment Rate in Michigan Reaches 100 Percent

By John Breech/Staff

In a shocking sign that the economic downturn is nowhere near over, the unemployment rate in Michigan this week reached an astounding new high; 100 percent. Everyone in the state is now out of a job.

Michigan resident Jennifer Granholm, who was Governor until she found herself unemployed yesterday, took it in stride, "After President Obama fired [GM CEO] Rick Wagoner, we knew it was only a matter of time," says the ex-governor. "I think the real shocker was when the NFL left the Lions off the 2009 schedule, I mean nobody saw that coming."

When the NFL announced the schedule Tuesday, the Lions were widely expected to be on it. However, new head coach Jim Schwartz knew something was up when he noticed that Chicago, Green Bay and Minnesota all had three byes on their schedule, "Every other team gets one bye, then the NFC North teams got three," Schwartz says. "I kept thinking 'bull [crap],' we were suppose to have the Bengals on our schedule this year, we had a legitmate shot at a win."

Tuesday night the NFL issued a press release announcing that each Lions player would be available in a dispersal draft on Wednesday, however, as of today (4/18) not one Lions player has been picked up by another team.

The Lions weren't the only bad news for the state, also on Wednesday, while she was still Governor, Granholm gave a state of the state address announcing all the jobs cuts.

"As most of you have heard, Mr. Wagoner and the Detroit Lions are all out of jobs," Granholm said in her speech that was televised live in Lansing. "Well, its actually worse then it appears, our top three industries; manufacturing, tourism and agriculture have taken such large hits that we are going to have to lay off everyone in the state, including myself."

At that moment, Granholm's speech ended because the cameraman, who was employed by the state's public broadcasting station, no longer had a job. Also, Granholm stopped talking because she figured no one was listening since she was no longer Governor.

Most economists agree that Granholm had no choice, "After President Obama took over GM, Chrysler and Ford, then combined those companies into one and then moved that company to Honduras, I was pretty sure the Michigan job market would suffer," said expert economist John Yaddle, who probably has a Harvard degree. "Not to mention, tourism dropped from 6 million people in 2007 to 28 in 2008, that's the state's second biggest source of income."

Yaddle also pointed out that Michigan State's appearance in the Final Four actually hurt the Great Lakes state. "If they [MSU] let Louisville win [in the elite eight], then you get several thousand stupid Kentuckians up here spending money like the state's economic infrastructure depends on it, which it actually would have."

Another casualty of the cuts will be the state's public Universities as they will all have to close - this came as good news to Ohio State fans. "Honestly, it [Ohio State-Michigan] wasn't even a rivalry anymore," said an anonymous Ohio State fan. "Since Tressel got here, we've been beating them like a mixed race step child."

The extensive job loss in Michigan led Toledo, Ohio mayor Carty Finkbeiner to announce that his city will host a job fair for Michiganians. "Jennifer Granholm called me and told me she had a plan to hold a [job] fair at Michigan Stadium, however, at 100 percent unemployment, she found out there was no one to work the fair. So the City of Toledo is proud to announce that we will be stepping in and having a job fair Sunday open to all Michigan residents, including former Detroit Lions players. All you need to do is bring some proof of Michigan residenceship and a 500 word essay on how bad your life sucked in Michigan."

Pirate Attacks Causing Sales Slide and Hostage Situations at Long John Silver's

By John Breech/Staff

Hostages aren't the only people suffering at the hands of the pirates. According to Long John Silver's executive Vice President Mark Black, his company is suffering too.

"Just two nights ago, at a restaurant in Detroit, a customer took one of our cashier's hostage." Black says. "Thankfully, that incident ended peacefully because the hostage was let go after giving her captor's a free chicken planks platter."

According to the VP, hostage taking is only one of the problems. Black says Long John Silver's sales have declined over 83 percent since the first pirate attack just over two weeks ago. What's alarming, he says, is that people are assuming pirates work at Long John Silver's simply because the restaurant is named after a pirate. Not even remotely true says Black.

He also said that nationwide, the number of cashier's being taken hostage has shot up ten-fold. "This stuff used to happen all the time in Detroit, but we would just shake it off, I mean, it's Detroit, half the people there are homeless" he says. "But when it started happening in other cities, the higher ups got a little worried."

The low point for the fish chain may have come last night at their highest selling store, "Our Savannah Georgia branch once sold 14,000 Ultimate Fried Fish Sandwiches in one day," Black bragged before admitting that he couldn't quite put his finger on why the fried fish sold so well down south. "Last night, they don't sell one."

The "Savannah Shocker," as Long John Silvers top executives have tabbed it, has led to a complete overhaul of how the seafood restaurant is going to do business. "Look at Red Lobster," says Black. "They sell seafood and their cashiers aren't being taken hostage, their sales aren't affected by pirates."

Long John Silver's has decided to attack the problem by going a route that they know many people might protest, "We're not proud of it, but we're going gay," says Black. "A lot of kids growing up would call us Long DONG Silver's, so we knew we had built-in brand awareness. Our chicken fingers and fish stix will be shaped more like the male anatomy, which we think women and gay men will enjoy that much more. And in-store testing has indicated that kids won't notice a thing."

Black says that the new Long Dong Silver will only employ men and that the first made-over restaurant will open in Pittsburgh because as he eloquently puts it, "Everyone there is pretty gay."

Black also emphasized that this isn't a permanent thing, "As soon as the pirates are gone, we'll go back to the way we've been doing business since 1969, although we'll probably close all our stores in Detroit and send more Ultimate Fried Fish Sandwiches to Savannah."

Bengals Hall Gets DUI... On Purpose?

By John Breech/Staff

One week after Leon Hall's DUI arrest, the truth about the incident is slowly beginning to trickle out. According to anonymous sources in the Bengals locker room, Hall was beginning to feel the pressure of not having a criminal record.

One Bengals player, who chose to remain anonymous, tells it like this, "First we sign Cedric [Benson] and then there's a rumor that we're going to sign Tank [Johnson, who the Bengals did sign two days after Hall's arrest] and a lot of minds in this locker room started wandering," said the nameless player. "Leon was freaking out, the prevailing thought in the locker room was that if you didn't have a criminal record, you were going to get cut from the team."

The source gave as many details as he could surrounding Hall's arrest, "Apparently, Leon called Stripes [Chris Henry's locker room nickname because he's always wearing jail stripes] in a panic and said something like 'Chris, I got a baby on the way, I can't lose my job, if there is one person on this team that can get me arrested, it's you.'"

At that point, the source said Henry was more then happy to oblige, "Apparently Chris was inviting over Sycamore High School's freshman girls soccer team to his house. Henry promised Hall that there would be whiskey, some goldfish crackers, a game of strip Uno and plenty of people arrested, he also assured him that there would be nothing legal about what they were doing, so Leon jumped on board."

Then, around 2 a.m., Hall, who is known as a reasonably good guy in the locker room, left the party when Chris got a little too crazy, "I'm not sure what exactly happened, but I heard that Henry was trying to get a game of duck, duck, touch Chris going," says the source. "Leon's a good guy, so he got the hell out of there." The source also indicated that Hall knew he was in trouble when Henry tried to convince him that the legal age of consent in Ohio is six.

However, Hall left the party frustrated, as he still wasn't under arrest, so he called Benson, a veteran of riding in the back of police cars. Benson allegedly had a short conversation with Hall that supposedly went something like this:

CB: "Leon, stop panicking yo, are you drunk?"
LH: "Yea,"
CB: "Are you driving?"
LH:"Yea,"
CB: "Are you black,"
LH: "Yea,"
CB: "Is it past midnight?"
LH: "Yea,"
CB: "Your as good as arrested homey."

Clermont County police released this statement: It's not just Leon Hall, Deltha O'Neal was arrested for DUI here two and a half years ago. We believe that Bengal player DUI's in Clermont County is starting to become an epidemic, therefore we are putting together a "Bengals DUI taskforce" whose sole purpose will be to arrest Bengals players or big black men that look like Bengals players after 11 p.m. We think this taskforce has the potential to cut County crime in half by the end of next week.

A Bengals fan at Hall's arraignment wondered aloud, "If they're playing drunk as often as they're driving drunk, that would sure explain a lot."

(The image at the top of the page is a game day photo of Leon Hall. It is the only photo I could find from a 2008 game where Hall is making anything resembling a play on the ball. Alright, I won't insult your intelligence, the photo is from an imaginary interception Hall had against the Pittsburgh Steelers in a game of Madden 09, it was provided by monsterconsole.com)


Coming tomorrow: Have Cincinnati Sports fans already given up on 2009? Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati (INSIC) will answer this question. Hint: Tomorrow's post will include Sean Miller, Miami Hockey, Tank Johnson and the fact that Fox Sports Ohio turned off the Reds game last night in the bottom of the 9th with the Reds up 7-6 and Milwaukee at the plate.