Shayne Graham Signs With Ravens, Promises to Make 100% of Field Goals... As Long As They're Attempted in 1st, 2nd or 3rd Quarter And Ravens are up 20

(Above: David Kohl of the Associated Press astutely captures on film the moment Shayne Graham realized he wouldn't be a Bengal anymore. This was taken seconds after his second FG miss against the Jets)

For most Bengals fans, January 9, 2010 was the day Shayne Graham passed Kathy Griffin as the most hated red-head in the world (In case you're wondering, tied for third most hated are Ginger Spice and Lindsay Lohan, however, if Lindsay Lohan is drunk or doing coke lines off of bar stools in West Hollywood night clubs, then she automatically moves to No. 1)

Anyway, back to Graham and today's good news.

Cincinnati, you don't have to hate the red-headed rightie anymore. As of today, Graham will be taking his missed field goal tour to Baltimore where he'll be competing with some guy named Billy (Cundiff) for the Ravens starting kicker job.

Graham held a press conference today in Baltimore and because this is the last time we're ever going to write about him, we decided to break down his press conference quote by quote.

Graham quotes in Bold Black.

What Graham really meant in Bold Orange.

I had the opportunity to go back to [Cincinnati].

However, I would have water-boarded myself in a bucket full of acid-laced cat urine before exercising this option. The fans hate me, the coaches hate me, my priest hates me. So when I say I had the opportunity to go back to Cincinnati, I really mean I didn't.

[Cincinnati] was very good to me. The organization was very good to me. You move on and you make changes in your life.

I hope all babies born in Cincinnati over the next 10 years die. I hope the Freedom Center is bombed and I hope Giant Jesus burns to the ground.

[As a Raven] When I play in [Cincinnati], I'll have friends in the stands and across the sidelines.

I'm lying again, we all know that no one within 16 zip codes of the city likes me. Oh and when I say 'I'll have friends in the stands,' I actually mean 'people who would declare war on me if declaring war on a person was possible and/or legal.'

On playing in Paul Brown Stadium next year:

It'll be different being in a stadium that was home to me for so long. [However] I've always enjoyed that feeling when you walk into a hostile situation where the fans are booing your whole team and you.

I am actually telling the truth here. I swear to God. Stats back it up. I never miss clutch kicks on the road, when I'm playing in a hostile situation. I only miss the ones at home when the Bengals season is on the line (See: Pittsburgh-2006, N.Y. Jets x 2-2010 Playoffs)

Even the best have bad days. That's what I feel had made me better over my career, is when I've had things not go my way, I never folded and just walked away from it. I kind of came back and kept trying and kept fighting.

Baltimore's media must have cut me off here because five months ago against the Jets, things didn't go my way on a 35-yard third quarter field goal. And when I came back for a fourth quarter attempt, I didn't keep fighting, I choked like a first base umpire making the final out call in a perfect game situation.

Bengals Frustrate Everyone, Including Their Kicker, INSIC Has Contract Negotiation Audio to Prove It

(The picture above is from the actual Facebook profile of Cincinnati Bengals Kicker Shayne Graham. Click on it to see it more clearly and yes, he is wearing a bad-ass motorcycle helmet)

What's it like negotiating with the Cincinnati Bengals? Glad you asked. 

We've obtained a recording that took place between Shayne Graham, his agent Rob Roche and Bengals management. The two sides were trying to negotiate a long term deal for Shayne and they had until 4 p.m. on July 15 to do it. Currently, as the franchise player, Shayne is only signed for one year.

Lets see how well you know the Bengals: raise your hand if you think something productive actually happened at this meeting... Good, everyone here knows the Bengals, lets get to the juicy stuff:

(Negotiating for the Bengals are the hot husband and wife tandem of Troy and Katie Blackburn)

Roche: Alright guys, lets keep this short and sweet, you tagged Shayne at $2.48 million, lets say 4-years, $10 million and call it a day.

K. Blackburn: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, hold on a second. You ever heard of a little guy named Jim Breech, the team's all-time leading scorer. He only made like $90,000 in his seventh year with the team.

Roche: Uh, Katie, that was in 1986, the average salary wasn't even a half million, I really don't think that any former player's salary should come into play here, especially a player from the 1980's.

K. Blackburn: Oh, so now you're better than Boomer Esiason, I bet you want to make more money then him. You're a selfish head.

Roche: Katie, I want to make sure my client gets market value.

T. Blackburn: Ahhh, we feel you Roche, alright. How about 4-years, $500,000 and we'll throw in free HBO... You know everyone on the team gets free HBO this season, that is so cool, god my father-in-law is awesome.

K. Blackburn: Yea he is honey, good one (Troy and Katie high-five), remember Thanksgiving in 1993 when dad didn't bring home a Turkey because he said he was robbed but then we found out later it was because Bigg's wouldn't give him a discount for being Mike Brown and then he killed a chipmunk and we ate that thinking it was Turkey, oh my gosh, being related to my father is a trip.

Roche: Can we please get back to negotiations.

Graham: Look, I was going to keep quiet, but Troy, that offer you gave me isn't even the league minimum, I couldn't accept it if I wanted too.

T. Blackburn: Oh so now you're too good for free HBO, you punk kids really bother me.

Roche: What the hell are you talking about, I think Shayne was referring to the 4-year, $500,000 part of the deal, that's only $125,000 a year.

T. Blackburn: You know Boomer Esiason never turned down free HBO.

Shayne: Rob lets go.

K. Blackburn: Shayne you can't leave, this is called negotiating, it doesn't happen overnight. Ask Justin Smith.

Roche: Alright lets get serious, Rob Bironas in Tennessee just signed a 4-year, $12-million offer. Can we do it or not.

K. Blackburn: Oh he deserves that, he's my favorite player ever, he never misses any kicks.

Roche: With all due respect Ms. Blackburn, my client is the most accurate kicker in NFL history, this means that he misses less kicks than Mr. Bironas.

T. Blackburn: Honey, remember when we saw Rob Bironas play tennis with Boomer Esiason. Shayne, have you ever played tennis with Boomer Esiason.

(Graham looks at Roche, makes a gun with his hand and puts it to his head)

K. Blackburn: You know what Shayne, I was just thinking, who cares if you played tennis with Boomer Esiason. I mean it's fun because Boomer is really good at tennis, but I suppose it's irrelevant. We'll go up to 2-years, $2-million, we'll give you a $100 gift certificate to Babies 'R' Us and you can use the team's Kroger plus card for two weeks. Now come on Shayne, no intelligent human being would turn that down.

Graham: Lets see, I'm single, I don't even know what a baby looks like and Kroger Plus Cards are FREE to anyone that wants one, what the hell would the upside be to taking this offer.

T. Blackburn: You know Shayne, if you think about the money you save at Kroger with the card and then add that to the deal, I think that moves it right up to the numbers you want.

K. Blackburn: Corlin Palmer saved $800 dollars at Kroger last year. That is a lot of money Shayne.

Graham: Jesus lord of God, his name is Carson. Rob, we're leaving.

T. Blackburn: Come on Shayne-O, it's 3:58 p.m., we have two minutes to make a deal, give us a chance.

Roche: Alright, make your final offer.

[Phone Rings]

K. Blackburn: OH LOOK HONEY, its Boomer Esiason...

T. Blackburn: She has to take this, sorry guys. We'll talk next year.

[Roche fires himself on the way out so that he no longer has to deal with the Bengals]