NFL Divisional Playoffs: Who's Going to Suck More Than the Bengals This Week, Read Our Picks

If you want to read about the Bengals, read our mailbag from Monday. It's depressing, it will make you hate Shayne Graham.

However, as the Choctaw, Cherokee and Seminole did in the 1830's while walking the Trail of Tears, we must reluctantly move forward. (And yes, every so often we have to pander to our intelligent readers). Although we will admit that we don't have union soldiers following us threatening to kill us if we slow down, something the Indians had to deal with.

What are we moving forward to you ask, how about this week's picks.

Last week Breech went 2-2 with his picks. 3-1 would have been possible if Shayne Graham didn't turn into a red headed version of Ray Finkle.

Saturday
4: 30 p.m. Cardinals at Saints: There are only three people I hate picking against: Kurt Warner, God and Justin Bieber. In case you haven't heard of any of these people: Bieber is a 14-year-old singer that has already been laid more than Justin Timberlake, Pablo Escobar and Wilt Chamberlain combined. God is the entity that all Christians believe in and Kurt Warner is the quarterback for the Cardinals and God's number one fan. What does all of this mean? It means Bieber is getting laid tonight, Kurt Warner is going to church tomorrow and the Cardinals are going to win. Yes, you read that right, the Cardinals are going to win.

Sure, God has some sympathy for Drew Brees because the Saints QB has single-handedly rebuilt New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. But God is a Cardinals fan, he proved that last year.

Prediction: Cardinals 38, Saints 30

8:15 p.m. Ravens at Colts: The Ravens are seven point underdogs here. Do you want to know how many games the Ravens lost by seven or more points this season? TWO. Do you want to know how many points Indy won by when these two teams played in November? TWO. Even Justin Bieber knows this is not going to be a blowout. I really want to pick the Ravens, but the chances of two big underdogs winning on the same day are about the same as Wesley Snipes paying his taxes this year, it's just not going to happen.

Prediction: Colts 23, Ravens 20

Sunday
1 p.m. Cowboys at Vikings: I went to Minnesota this year, the crowd noise is overrated. I would bet $500 that Justin Bieber concerts are louder. I don't know how much Tony Romo sold his soul for and I don't want to know, but he's been unstoppable for the past month. Although I'm picking the Cowboys, I have to admit that I want the Vikings to win because we all know if they lose, the Brett Favre retirement rumors will start nine seconds after the game ends.

Prediction: Cowboys 31, Vikings 27

4:40 p.m. Jets at Chargers: Well, the human taco did it, he willed his team to round two of the NFL playoffs with a gutsy performance that involved him throwing exactly TWO passes over 11 yards. Great job Sanchez, you're awesome. By the way, please enjoy the picture of the Human Taco Mark Sanchez at the top of the page. The picture is courtesy of Taco Bell (I don't know if that's really Sanchez in the costume, but I'm going to pretend it is).

Now for the pick. First, I need to point out that this pick was easy to make because I only have one rule when I pick NFL playoff games: if a team beats the Bengals, I pick against them every week for two years. So I apologize in advance Jets fans, I can't pick you to win anything until 2012 and since the world is suppose to end then, lets just both agree not to hold any grudges.

Prediction: Chargers 27, Jets 20

Bengals-Vikings: Sunday's Official Fan Diary And Possibly Boringest Game Ever Played Between Two Teams With Nine or More Wins

There's nothing like going all the way to Minnesota only to see your team get treated like a four-dollar hooker. Such was the plight of Bengals fans this weekend.

Back in October (you know, back when the Bengals were good), INSIC went to the Baltimore game and produced this diary. This time, we were in Minnesota for what we thought would be a weekend of Ochocinco awesomeness. Nope. As it turned out, the Bengals play was 10 times crappier than the weather (which was 4 degrees by the way). How crappy was it? The beer guy in our row made made at least three better passes on the day than Carson Palmer did.

Anyway I'll stop boring you now, the Bengals offense did enough of that on Sunday, lets get to the diary. This week's cast of characters came from all over: Nate (Chicago), Brad (Charlotte), Justin (New York), Melissa (Atlanta) and me.

First, let me start out by saying this: America needs a Central Time Zone like I need a tape worm. I hope the person who came up with Central Time is in the hottest part of hell. It's the worst time zone by far. Who the hell kicks off an NFL football game at noon? I'll tell you who, the dumb asses in the central time zone. Yes, the Bengals-Vikings game started at noon local time. And yes, the diary is written with Central time in mind.


5:47 p.m. (Saturday): I'm still at the airport and I get a text message from Nate, now I'm not sure why, but he is at a mall. I thought the only person that would want to be at a mall on this trip was my girlfriend, which would make sense because she's a girl. Nope, I am wrong, Nate wanted to be at the mall also.

While at the mall, Nate spots three Bengals: Jonathan Joseph, Leon Hall and Andre Caldwell. Apparently the team's pre-game party is at Nicollet Mall in downtown Minneapolis. Chuck E. Cheese must have been booked. Nate slept at Leon Hall's house once (it's a long story), so he starts a conversation. I don't want to spoil it for Leon's wife, but it sounds like she's getting a sweet Christmas present.

5:51 p.m.: Melissa and I are trying to catch the train that goes from the airport to our hotel. And I emphasize the word 'trying.' We miss the first train because Melissa decides throwing snowballs at me is more fun than riding on a train. We miss the second train because Melissa left her purse somewhere and I had to go back and get it, because apparently her purse is my responsibility. Justin, who is suppose to meet us at another train station, sends about eight texts saying, "uh, are you guys dead?" Uh, yes Justin, a part of my soul died every time Melissa hit me with a snow ball.

6:45 p.m.: Arrival at the hotel. This wouldn't be a story except that it so happens we were staying at the Vikings' team hotel. There were about 200 Vikings fans standing in the lobby and 198 of them had on a Brett Favre jersey. Dear Minnesota, just wait until January, Favre is going to bend you over and F-you like he's Tiger Woods and you're one of his sexual liaisons. By the way, we also had a ten minute argument about what name Brett Favre checks into the hotel under, Nate guessed Aaron Rodgers, we all agreed that Nate won the argument.

8:17 p.m.: Justin invents a game called "Pick a Heisman Candidate Out of the Hat." The rules to the game were simple, we put the five candidates names in a hat and we all picked one out. There were fabulous prizes for the winner. I pick the guy who's name I can't spell or pronounce, he went to Nebraska, he played defense, so I immediately quit. Ironically, Justin would win the game by picking Mark Ingram, nothing pisses me off more then when someone invents a game and then wins it.

Saturday Night: Since this Bengals fan diary is about the Bengals game, I'll sum up Saturday night in three words: Canadians, BMW heiress, 17 degrees below zero. (That's more like 7 words, sorry). Very short sample of conversation between me and BMW girl:

Me to the girl: What was your name again?

Girl: Lets just say my initials are B.M.W, so you probably know what my dad does? And what was your name again?

Me: Uh, no, I don't know what the hell your dad does and my initials are H.I.V., so you can probably guess what I'm going to die of in three years.

SUNDAY

9:12 a.m.: We all wake up and have the following vote: tailgate outside in the 2 degree weather or stay in our comfortable hotel room: final tally 3-1 (and one abstention. Seriously, we're not electing a speaker of the house here, why in the name of Fran Tarkenton did anyone abstain?). Tailgating inside wins.

11:36 a.m.: Justin, Nate and Brad jump in a cab, there is no room for me and Melissa. A shady black van with no cab license or money meter pulls up to us "$25 dollars to the Metrodome." If people could be shot in the face for price gouging, the driver of this black van would be dead. The stadium is 1.3 miles from our hotel and the dude wants $25.00. Luckily, our Canadian friends show up and pay the fare. And even more surprising, they paid it in American money. Imagine that, Canadians using American money.

Noon-12:41 p.m.: I wasn't at the Redskins-Raiders game, but I would bet my cat and my flatscreen TV that their first quarter was 29 times more exciting than ours. I didn't chart the Bengals plays in the quarter, but I think they went something like this: run, run, run, punt, run, run, run, punt, run, horrible pass, run, punt, closed my eyes because I couldn't take it anymore. Then, finally God showed Bengals fans some mercy by letting the first quarter clock hit 0:00.

12:41-12:45 p.m.: Melissa can sometimes have the attention span of a 4-year-old child. How boring was the first period for her? We're only one quarter in and she's already plotting ways to kidnap the Bengals fan baby in front of us. I promised her I would not bail her out of jail, she said that was O.K. as long as the baby safely made it back to Atlanta with me.

1:00 p.m.: The Vikings Sidney Rice catches a touchdown pass and then it happens, my ears start bleeding. Not because I was cold, but because Minnesota's fight song started: Skol Vikings. If you have never heard the song, please click the link now before you continue reading. At first I hated it, by the time Minnesota scored their third touchdown, I was singing along.

1:16 p.m.: Finally, the Bengals score and the shut out is over. It's time for the 'Bengal Growl.' Minnesota fans laugh at our song which is ironic because their songs sucks more and is 8 times cheesier. Ochocinco does not do a dance after he scores, do you know why? Because he is somewhat smart. He does not do touchdown dances when the Bengals are not going to win.

1:24-1:27 p.m.: Thanks to a combination of Ryan Longwell, Carson's piss poor performance and a little luck, the Vikings get six points in the final 35 seconds of the half. Remember the Raider's game when Oakland scored 10 points in 24 seconds to win, it has nothing to do with this post, I just wanted to remind you.

2:00 p.m.: Sometime in the third quarter, after Adrian Peterson had scored on a 1-yard touchdown run, it happened. I got so bored that I decided to do a head count of all the Bengals fans in attendance. 567 in case you're wondering. Nate decided Facebook was more exciting than the game. He was right. We then started listing places we hate but that we would rather be at than the Metrodome: Pottery Barn, Williams Sonoma, and Bed, Bath and Beyond were all mentioned.

2:20 p.m.: Shayne Graham kicks a 22-yard field goal. Hey Marvin Lewis, here's a novel idea: when you're team is trailing 23-7 and your offense has done nothing all day, GO FOR A TOUCHDOWN WHEN YOU'RE AT THE OPPONENTS FIVE-YARD LINE. On fourth and goal from the five, the Bengals kick the field goal. Great call Coach. I start helping Melissa plot a way to kidnap the Bengals fan baby. Then we debate what's more criminal: the way the Bengals are playing or kidnapping a baby.

2:46 p.m.: The Bengals put in J.T. O'Sullivan. I cry, not because we are losing, but because if J.T. O'Sullivan made it to the NFL, why didn't I?

2:47 p.m.: O'Sullivan completes a pass for nine yards. In my mind this starts a quarterback controversy.

GAME OVER

Postgame Summary: On the way home from the game (we walked this time) Melissa decides she wants to buy bubble bath, she disappears, no one knows where she is or why she is buying bubble bath. I head straight to the hotel room. I've seen enough Dateline NBC to know that if your girlfriend disappears in a weird city, you better have an alibi.

Justin, Nate and Brad all see me, I am no longer a suspect. Due to the ungodly low temperature, my phone freezes and will not work. Melissa did not bring her phone to the game because she didn't want to lose it. We put the odds of her not returning at 18 percent. Melissa shows up an hour later: she's alive, without frostbite, has bubble bath and she is only missing one glove.

Justin and Brad have 5:30 p.m. flights, they are smart, they get out the Arctic weather as quickly as possible.

Nate, Melissa and I got to a Minneapolis restaurant: Hell's Kitchen: it turns out to be the only highlight of the trip.

On the way to the airport, we made an impromptu stop at the Mall of America. And in case you're wondering, there is a roller coaster. And kind of like the Metro Dome, it's small, cheap and uncomfortable.

We'll be back in eight years Minnesota, see you in 2017. Or at the Super Bowl, whichever comes first.

Bengals-Vikings: Series History Says Vikings are a Lock (To Lose)

Here's the bad news: History says the Bengals are going to lose Sunday. They've been to Minneapolis exactly four times in franchise history. They have lost every time. They have been outscored 115-48. The games are not close.

Now for the good news. Brett Favre has a tendency to go Ryan Leaf on his team in December (if you don't believe us, ask any 2008 N.Y. Jets, actually, you can ask any Vikings player that was in uniform last week). It's December, so the odds of Favre playing a good game are somewhere around 19 percent. Does the good news outweigh the bad news? You'll find out when we make our pick at the bottom of the page.

Fact to Impress Drunk People With: The 1977 game played between the Vikings and Bengals was played OUTDOORS, in Minnesota, in December. If you think this is a bad combination, you're right, the Bengals lost 42-10 in conditions that resembled an Arctic winter. The Vikings outdoor home (Metropolitan Stadium) was replaced by the Metrodome in 1982. The Met (as the old stadium was called) wasn't left for dead though. In 1985, it was torn down so the city of Minneapolis could build a huge mall with a roller coaster in it, you know it as Mall of America.

All-Time Series: Currently tied 5-5*

* = will be 6-5 Bengals Following Sunday's game

Lets get to the countdown:

3. Christmas Day, 1989, at Minnesota

For you young Bengals fans out there, you may not believe it, but there was actually a time when the NFL scheduled your team to play in games that were nationally broadcast.

Not only was this game on Christmas Day, not only was it Monday Night Football, but it was also the FINAL game of the NFL regular season. And at least five teams had their postseason hopes or seeding riding on this game.

The Vikings, who were 9-6 coming into the game, knew a victory would win them the NFC Central, but a loss would leave them out of the wild card. The Bengals, 8-7 going into the game, knew a win would send them to the wildcard and a loss would send them home.

So with their season on the line, what did the Bengals do? In the game's first 25 minutes, they managed to dig themselves into a 19-0 hole. Was this the Bungles? Hell no, this was largely the same Bengals team that had come within 34 seconds of a Super Bowl win the year before.

At halftime, Boomer Esiason did two things: he reminded the team that they were good and he decided to take over the play calling. At least we think he did because in the second half he uncorked his left arm and threw for over 200 yards. A fourth quarter touchdown pass even cut the Viking lead to 22-21. However, a late Minnesota touchdown would seal the game. And because the stupid NFL didn't legalize the 2-point conversion until 1994, the eight-point lead would prove to be insurmountable.

Result: Minnesota 29, Cincinnati 21


2. Christmas Eve, 1995, at Cincinnati

During that era of Bengal suckiness that most experts now refer to as the 90's, there were about four good games played by Cincinnati and this was one of them. With the Bengals trailing 24-3 at halftime in their final game of the season, you could feel the crowd slowly turning into a lynch mob that was going to take their pitch forks to Mike Brown's office.

But then something called two third quarter touchdowns happened and all of the sudden, all the fans that had left at halftime were clamoring to get back into the stadium. When Jeff Blake hit Tony McGee with a 5-yard touchdown fourth quarter touchdown pass that tied the game with only nine seconds left, the crowd went wild.

Bengals kicker Doug Pelfrey then squibbed the ensuing kickoff which Minnesota decided not to field. Improbably, the Bengals recovered the kick at the Viking 34-yard line. The squib recovery set up a 51-yard attempt that Pelfrey nailed for the win. The win came exactly one year after Pelfrey had hit a 54-yard field goal to beat the Eagles.

Result: Cincinnati 27, Minnesota 24

1. Dec. 2, 1973, at Cincinnati

This might be the the biggest non-divisional win in Bengals history. In week 12, the 10-1 Vikings made their way to Riverfront stadium looking almost unstoppable. Then they ran into a Cincinnati buzz saw. The Bengals shocked the NFL by recording the first shut out in franchise history in a resounding fashion. Almost as shocking as the shut out was the fact that Ken Anderson and the Bengal offense put up 20 points on the Purple People Eater defense. (The Bengals also got seven more points from their defense, thanks to Lemar Parrish who returned a second quarter fumble 23-yards for a touchdown.) The 27 points scored by the Bengals would be the most the Vikings surrendered all year.

Ironically, both teams' seasons would end at the hand of the Miami Dolphins. The Bengals fell 34-16 in the first round of the playoffs. The Vikings would fall 24-7 in Super Bowl VIII.

Result: Cincinnati 27, Minnesota 0

INSIC PREDICTION FOR SUNDAY: Cincinnati 27-20

Our prediction is based on a simple mathematical formula:

The Bengals + Being an underdog in a game = Undefeated

or

Brett Favre + December = Loss for whomever Favre is playing for

or

Bengals + Division Title on the line + 2000's = Undefeated (1-0)

Bengals-Vikings: The Blog Will be Live From the Metrodome Sunday When the Bengals Beat Down the Vikings

In case you've somehow lost track, the Bengals are currently winning division titles at a rate of 1 every 18 years (which is about how often Tiger Woods is going to get laid if he stays married). That means if you were born after 1991 and you're a Bengals fan, your life has either sucked or you've jumped on the Steelers bandwagon. Let's rephrase that, your life either sucks or you deserve to die.

However, that can all change this week. With a win Sunday over the Vikings, the division title rate could double to a once unfathomable 2 every 18 years. And just think, the spoiled bastards born after 2000 will start believing that division titles are normal. INSIC still hasn't decided if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Anyway, this blog only has two rules: One, if the Bengals are playing for a division title, we go to the game. Two, if they're playing a team with purple as a team color, we go to the game so we can beat the piss out of the all male fans for wearing a girl's color.

What point are we trying to make here? The blog will be live in Minnesota Sunday as the Bengals try to clinch the AFC North title. The last time we covered a game, this draft diary/incoherent ramble was produced.

We expect more of the same come Sunday night.

On a side note, INSIC would like to apologize for not producing a victory video after Sunday's win over Detroit. We felt that making a video after a win over the Lions would be like burning down a homeless shelter. It would be in very poor taste.

Rest assured that the victory video will be back Sunday and keep in mind that there's a good chance it will be filmed from a Minneapolis jail cell.

For old time's sake, here are the prior videos:

Week 1: Loss to Broncos
Week 3: Win over Steelers
Week 4: Win over Browns
Week 5: Win over Ravens
Week 10: Win over Steelers
Week 12: Win over Browns

Coming later this week: Bengals-Vikings top three games ever.

Favre Watch, Day 472: Reports Say Favre Might Play for Every NFL Team This Season

By John Breech/Staff

In what comes as a shock to absolutely no one, Brett Favre announced today that he will attempt to play for all 32 NFL teams during the upcoming 2009 football season. His only stipulation so far is that he must be named the starter for any and all clubs he would play for. Favre, who hates the media and is more emotional than a teenage girl that just saw The Notebook, held a press conference via cell phone text message earlier this afternoon.

Minutes into his press conference, the former Packer legend was insulted when Ed Werder from ESPN sent him a text that read:

“How u going 2 start 4 32 teams n 16 games, math doesn’t add up.”

Favre annoyingly answered Werder’s question by explaining that if he plays one half of football each week for a different team, then his goal would be highly attainable. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell then immediately sent out a mass text to the media elaborating on what was surely going to be the next question:

“Can you legally trade a player at halftime?”

According to Goodell, the answer is yes. However, Goodell did note that if the answer actually isn't 'yes,' he would make it 'yes' as soon 'as humanly possible.'

John Clayton, who was reporting from a trash can on Favre’s driveway, sent in this text:

“2 questions, rumors say you were going 2 Vikings and do u think a 7-year-old girl could take me in a fist fight?”

Favre answered that one with, “Yes, the Vikings were an option, but then I thought, ‘we all know I’m not retiring until I play for all 32 teams except the Lions, so why not just get it over with now.’ So that’s what I’m going to do. And to answer your second question, if the young girl was blindfolded or sleeping, you might have a chance.”

Twelve minutes into the interview, the press conference abruptly ended when Favre changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to have a press conference any more. Seconds after the press conference concluded, Favre reportedly killed his cat because he decided he likes dogs better.

Just like ESPN, Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati will extensively cover every decision Brett Favre makes this offseason, no matter how trivial. As a matter of fact, Chris Mortenson just reported seconds ago that Favre will be eating Kix for breakfast tomorrow morning. Keep reading for the latest updates.