Monday, January 11, 2010

Bengals-Jets: INSIC Presents the Post Playoff Mailbag

Like naked pictures of Tiger Woods' mistresses, mailbags have taken over the internet. INSIC's never done one and we figure that now's a good time to start. Here's the official post playoff mailbag.

Q: Dear INSIC, can we blame this playoff loss on one person and if so, can that person be Shayne Graham?

INSIC: As most men know, there are only three certainties in life: death, your ex-girlfriend missing her period two weeks after you break up and Shayne Graham choking in the clutch. When he missed the 35-yarder in the third quarter, someone inside of INSIC headquarters threw a ninja turtles action figure at the plasma TV. We didn't know what was more shocking: that someone still plays with ninja turtles or that the Bengals were losing to the Jets. All was not lost though as it was still a 7-point game after the miss.

Fast forward to the fourth quarter, Bengals trail 24-14 with 3:54 left and three timeouts. Graham lines up for a 28-yarder. At this exact instant, INSIC Founder John Breech told his girlfriend, "If he misses this, I am burning the cat alive, going to bed and then telling the police that everything was your fault." Moral of the story: cats do not willingly go in fires.

We've been defending Graham since he choked against the Steelers in the 2006 season finale, but now, it's like defending O.J. Simpson, you can say whatever you want, but everyone thinks your stupid.

Bottom line: Putting Shayne Graham in a clutch situation is like quitting your job and telling your wife that the family could make more money if she was a prostitute: it's not a good idea.

Q: Dear INSIC, how come Carson Palmer sucks?

INSIC: People who say this or think this are stupid.

Yes Carson played the game like he bet his first, second and third born children on the Jets. But you have to look deeper than that. The Jets defense was the number one in the NFL. Carson led two touchdown drives and two 'field goal' drives (We have to put field goals in quotations, because Shayne Graham is our kicker and we didn't actually score). That is theoretically 20 points he led the Bengals too. Do you know who didn't score 20 points on the Jets this season? Let's see: Colts, Falcons, Buccaneers, Bills, Panthers, Raiders, Titans, Patriots, Texans. Oh and the Saints only scored 24.

Bottom line: Carson needs to have surgery on about 17 parts of his body, when this is taken care of, he will be good. Oh and there wouldn't have been a playoff game Saturday in Cincinnati if Palmer wasn't on the team. It would have been in Baltimore or Pittsburgh because the Bengals would not have even made the playoffs, they would have finished in the Cleveland portion of the AFC North.

Q: Dear INSIC, that $28 million we gave to Laveranues Coles, is there any way to get that back?

INSIC: The person who pissed us off the most Saturday (who's name was not Shayne Graham) was Coles. Fourteen seconds into the game, Bernard Scott made every fan forget about the Sunday night 37-0 ass-whipping. Scott returned the opening kickoff 57 yards. What happened after that: on a third down play, Coles gets stripped, but really, replays show he didn't even get stripped, he just fumbled the ball and for all we know, it might have been on purpose because he did spend seven seasons with the Jets.

Bottom Line: As you read this, Coles and Shayne Graham are probably on the same flight out of Cincinnati and chances are, neither plans to return... ever.

Q: Dear INSIC, what's worse: that there is an audience for Carrot Top or that Marvin Lewis doesn't understand the NFL's Challenge system?

INSIC: One of the most overlooked aspects of this game is Marvin Lewis and the challenge. In the NFL, you get TWO challenges, if you win both of them, you get a third. Marvin decided to waste all of his challenges in the first quarter.

Let's put this in perspective for you: if you were in Vegas with some buddies, and everyone agreed to only hit on two girls all night, this would be like going to a fat girl strip club and hitting on the first two fat strippers you see knowing that A. no one wants to sleep with a fat girl B. strippers won't go home with you anyway and C. you'll be hanging out with hot chicks later. You just blew it. This is what Marvin did.

There were two plays in the second half that could have gone the Bengals way if Lewis had any challenges. There is a Jets touchdown that could have been overturned. Good God, save your challenges.

Bottom Line: An unwritten rule of the NFL is this: if your coach doesn't understand the challenge system, you will never win a Super Bowl. Don't believe us? Ask Eagles fans or Bears fans. Philadelphia coach Andy Reid is the president of the 'what is a challenge and when do I use it' club. Marvin has just been promoted to VP of 'Clock management is overrated.'

Q: Dear INSIC, I watched the game at home, and I have three questions: was that a female announcer I heard, did NBC hire hockey announcers for the game and why did the two old guys have on more makeup than my teenage sister?

INSIC: Great question. First, that woman you heard was former Redskins coach Joe Gibbs. He hasn't announced a game on TV since 1993, since this was just a preseason game, NBC thought they would give him a try.

Wait, what? It was a playoff game that over 17 million people watched. All we can say is this: these are the same people that put Jay Leno on at 10 p.m.

The other two guys were Joe Theismann and Tom Hammond. If you were at the game, you didn't have to listen to them. In case you're wondering though, thanks to Hammond and Theismann, the audio on the TV was like listening to the Macho Man Randy Savage have a threesome with Fran Drescher and an elephant.

As for the makeup thing, it was gross, Hammond and Gibbs looked like the lost uncles of Chucky. If you don't know who Chucky is, watch Child's play 1, 2 or 3.

Bottom Line: Unless you're watching the Olympics, it's usually a good idea to just never turn NBC on.

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