Thursday, January 21, 2010

What Does INSIC Like More: Avatar or Shayne Graham?

(Every so often at INSIC, we do a movie review. You can read old ones here and here. Today we do Avatar.)

Dear James Cameron,

We saw the movie Avatar 10 years ago, except then, it was called the Matrix.

For the 14 people out there that haven't seen the movie yet, here's a brief synopsis: Neo gets hooked up to a machine, two hours pass, Neo saves the human race from imminent disaster. Wait, sorry, that's the plot of the Matrix.

In Avatar, a marine named Jake Sully gets hooked up to a machine, the machine allows him to mentally take over an 'Avatar.' The Avatar in this case being a skinny blue alien. If you don't know what the skinny blue alien looks like, you haven't turned on your TV once in the past three months because there have been about 9,000 Avatar previews a day since November.

What happens after Jake takes over his Avatar? Two hours of plot that is more predictable than Shayne Graham missing a field goal in a clutch situation.

OK, we're already bored writing about this, so let's boil this movie down to one paragraph:

In The Matrix, Neo saves humans from machines. The plot for Avatar? Insert Jake Sully where we wrote Neo, skinny blue aliens where we wrote humans and humans where we wrote machines. Wa-la, sorry for spoiling the movie.

We paid $14 to see the movie, it's worth 11.

Why is it worth 11?

Because 3-D technology is the best invention ever. The movie could have been Gary Coleman and Dustin Diamond eating poop off the carcass of a dead animal and it still would have been worth $11, everything in 3-D is that awesome. Except for Snookie of course. Snookie should never be in 3-D, she shouldn't even be in 2-D. But that's another blog post.

Oh, and just so you know, if this technology had been around in 1992, Fern Gully: the Last Rain Forest would have won seven oscars and made 12 times more money.

Bottom line: If you have a 3-D theater around you, see the movie. However, we must warn you that once the 3-D novelty wears off (this will take about 90 minutes) the movie starts to crawl slower than a baby with its ankles handcuffed together.

P.S.: When Jurassic Park came out in 1993, it was the most amazing movie ever. Mainly because real looking dinosaurs are awesome. In 1998, Roland Emmerich ruined awesome dinosaur technology for everyone when he directed the second worst movie ever: Godzilla (Worst movie ever: Deathbed: The Bed that Eats People). In five years, everyone will be using 3-D technology, someone will make a crappy 3-D movie and that will be that.

Remember, if you're short on money this month, rent the Matrix, it's the same thing.

Final Grade: B (Plot gets a D, special affects get an A+)

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