2012 NFL Wildcard Weekend Pressing Questions: Will the Bengals Win? If they do, Will the World Implode?

What do Kim and Kris have to do with the Bengals? We don't know either.

It's been 106.4 Kim Kardashian marriages since the Bengals last won a playoff game.

To comprehend how long that is, you'd need to know how long Kim Kardashian was married.

If you don't know how long Kim Kardashian was married, ask your wife. If she doesn't know, ask a  high school junior. If you don't know a high school junior, buy an US Weekly. If you can't afford an US Weekly, go to a New Jersey Nets game the next time they're in town and ask Kris Humphries. If the Nets aren't coming to your town, Google it.

But Google it last. I want to see everyone go through the above effort because we're getting lazy as a society.

Anyway, lets go straight to the picks.


Saturday


Cincinnati at Houston: Because Saturday's playoff game is being played indoors, the Bengals did the logical thing this week and practiced outdoors -- in 22 degree weather -- and their quarterback had the flu.

But lets not use logic to make this pick, lets use facts:

The Undefeated Factor

1. The Bengals are undefeated against Houston in playoff games. Sure, they've only played once. Sure it was in 1991 and sure Justin Bieber wasn't alive when it happened, but it still counts, whether Bieber was alive or not.

"Marty, two redheaded QB's on the same field: Great Scott."

The Redhead Factor

2. In Back to the Future II, Doc Brown theorized that if two red-headed quarterbacks were on the field at the same time in an NFL football game, the Space time-continuum would collapse on itself.

Texans 3rd string QB Jeff Garcia is a redhead, which means we're exactly two injured Houston quarterbacks from the end of the world. Somehow, I think this works in the Bengals favor.

The Non-Factor Factor Factor

3. If there are any mathematicians reading: can you confirm that the law of averages is a real law? Because if it is, then the Bengals have to win.

Their wide receiver is being investigated for having a marijuana farm delivered to his front door. Their starting running back spent the first two nights of the season in jail. They haven't won a playoff game in 7,659 days. If the law of averages exists, then something eventually has to go right, RIGHT? (And yes, this entire season went right, but lets not count that).

The INSIC quick pick: Bengals 23-20 over Houston. 


Detroit at New Orleans: I saw a kid in Target's parking lot last week smoking marijuana. He was also eating cheetos. He was also wearing a Saints hat. He also offered me a hit. So basically, yes, I'm picking the Saints based on the fandom of a high school kid in a Target parking lot who offered me a hit of marijuana.

Saints 41-31 over Detroit.


Sunday


Atlanta at New York Giants: I like the Falcons a lot. I really do. I lived in Atlanta for three years, I have a lot of homeless friends there and several friends with homes. Its a great city.

But lets be honest, watching the Falcons play outdoors is like going to Planned Parenthood on a Saturday morning and looking at the morning after pill line: there's panic on everybody's face.

In the last four years, the Falcons have played 41 indoor games and 23 outdoor games. The numbers suggest the Falcons should have more losses indoors because they've played more games, but the numbers are wrong. Atlanta is 12-11 outdoors and 31-10 indoors. Advantage: Giants.

Long story short, the morning after pill fails and the Falcons lose to the Giants 27-24.

Is there a Pope sex tape?

Pittsburgh at Denver: If you would've asked me in week 1 what was more likely to happen this season: Tim Tebow leading the Broncos to the playoffs or a sex tape being released of the Pope having a threesome with two of the Hanson brothers, I would've said, "there's no way Tebow's making the playoffs."

So here we are on Wildcard weekend and Tebow's in the playoffs  and thank God, there's no Pope sex tape, which is good, because really, no one wants to see any of the Hanson brothers naked.

If this game were being played on Saturday, I'd take the Broncos, but its being played on Sunday and as everyone knows, God rests on the sabbath, so Tebow's on his own. Steelers 17-10 over Denver. 


How much does INSIC know about football, here's an exact quote from our Bengals preview: With an early season schedule that's easier than a drunk Deena, the Bengals could top out at 9-7 this season.


Week 17
ATS: 10-6 
Straight up: 13-3


Final Regular Season Tally
ATS: 147-109
SU: 182-74

Did the Super Bowl XLIV Game Program Make a Big Mistake or is the Saints Roman Harper a Master of Disguise: You Decide

We don't know who picks out the player photos for the NFL's Super Bowl program, but chances are that person was fired on February 8.

Earlier today, an astute reader sent us New Orleans safety Roman Harper's Super Bowl program picture (Top of page). The only problem, that's not Roman Harper in the picture. It's actually New Orleans second-year wide receiver Rod Harper. (The real Roman Harper is pictured at right, click on Rod Harper's name to see his picture).

Because of this egregious error, INSIC went ahead and put together of a list of mistakes that are OK to make and mistakes that are not OK to make.

Mistakes that are not OK:

1. Getting a stripper pregnant at your bachelor party.

2. Selling low grade cocaine to an undercover cop... at church

3. Putting the wrong picture of Roman Harper in a Super Bowl program.

Mistakes that are OK:

1. Accidentally getting a stripper pregnant during a threesome that consists of you, the stripper and a girl that looks like Megan Fox and might actually be Megan Fox but you can't tell because you are to drunk.

2. Sleeping in a maple syrup filled bath tub after a night of heavy drinking. And then waking up in the morning and beating the shit out of all your friends because they filled a bath tub with maple syrup.

3. Running over your girlfriends cat.

By the way, we don't think anyone ever told Roman about the mistake because he didn't tweet about it back in February.

NFL Divisional Playoffs: Who's Going to Suck More Than the Bengals This Week, Read Our Picks

If you want to read about the Bengals, read our mailbag from Monday. It's depressing, it will make you hate Shayne Graham.

However, as the Choctaw, Cherokee and Seminole did in the 1830's while walking the Trail of Tears, we must reluctantly move forward. (And yes, every so often we have to pander to our intelligent readers). Although we will admit that we don't have union soldiers following us threatening to kill us if we slow down, something the Indians had to deal with.

What are we moving forward to you ask, how about this week's picks.

Last week Breech went 2-2 with his picks. 3-1 would have been possible if Shayne Graham didn't turn into a red headed version of Ray Finkle.

Saturday
4: 30 p.m. Cardinals at Saints: There are only three people I hate picking against: Kurt Warner, God and Justin Bieber. In case you haven't heard of any of these people: Bieber is a 14-year-old singer that has already been laid more than Justin Timberlake, Pablo Escobar and Wilt Chamberlain combined. God is the entity that all Christians believe in and Kurt Warner is the quarterback for the Cardinals and God's number one fan. What does all of this mean? It means Bieber is getting laid tonight, Kurt Warner is going to church tomorrow and the Cardinals are going to win. Yes, you read that right, the Cardinals are going to win.

Sure, God has some sympathy for Drew Brees because the Saints QB has single-handedly rebuilt New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. But God is a Cardinals fan, he proved that last year.

Prediction: Cardinals 38, Saints 30

8:15 p.m. Ravens at Colts: The Ravens are seven point underdogs here. Do you want to know how many games the Ravens lost by seven or more points this season? TWO. Do you want to know how many points Indy won by when these two teams played in November? TWO. Even Justin Bieber knows this is not going to be a blowout. I really want to pick the Ravens, but the chances of two big underdogs winning on the same day are about the same as Wesley Snipes paying his taxes this year, it's just not going to happen.

Prediction: Colts 23, Ravens 20

Sunday
1 p.m. Cowboys at Vikings: I went to Minnesota this year, the crowd noise is overrated. I would bet $500 that Justin Bieber concerts are louder. I don't know how much Tony Romo sold his soul for and I don't want to know, but he's been unstoppable for the past month. Although I'm picking the Cowboys, I have to admit that I want the Vikings to win because we all know if they lose, the Brett Favre retirement rumors will start nine seconds after the game ends.

Prediction: Cowboys 31, Vikings 27

4:40 p.m. Jets at Chargers: Well, the human taco did it, he willed his team to round two of the NFL playoffs with a gutsy performance that involved him throwing exactly TWO passes over 11 yards. Great job Sanchez, you're awesome. By the way, please enjoy the picture of the Human Taco Mark Sanchez at the top of the page. The picture is courtesy of Taco Bell (I don't know if that's really Sanchez in the costume, but I'm going to pretend it is).

Now for the pick. First, I need to point out that this pick was easy to make because I only have one rule when I pick NFL playoff games: if a team beats the Bengals, I pick against them every week for two years. So I apologize in advance Jets fans, I can't pick you to win anything until 2012 and since the world is suppose to end then, lets just both agree not to hold any grudges.

Prediction: Chargers 27, Jets 20

Who Dey or Who Dat: Bengals and Saints Fans Want to Know Why Stuart Scott Still Has a Job

In case you've never applied for a job at the Worldwide Leader (or ESPN if you will), here's how it works: you send in a resume and if they like you, they have you come in and take a sports quiz that you couldn't pass if you had google, a sports encyclopedia and Howie Schwab at your disposal.

The first question on the quiz is usually something like, 'name the last 10 Heisman trophy winners?' That's one question, not ten questions rolled into one.

After that, the test only gets harder.

What's the point here?

Stuart Scott, the guy ESPN loves to shove down your throat, has the sports knowledge of a Central American orphan. For example, last night after the Saints knocked off the Falcons, Scott made a big boo-boo: he mixed up who-dey with who-dat. There is a reason Central American orphans are not employed by the sports media.

For those of you Bengals fans who wouldn't know Drew Brees from Drew Barrymore, the Saints chant is similar to the Bengals, it goes: Who-dat, Who-dat, Who-dat say day gonna beat dem Saints.

Of course, the Bengals much cooler version goes: Who-dey, Who-dey, Who-dey think gonna beat them Bengals...

Now it's OK if the average fan gets this wrong, but it's not OK for Stuart 'My Lazy eye should have relegated me to radio four years ago' Scott. If your the on-site host for Monday Night Football, you should be pretty familiar with the home team's cheer. Of course, this post would be useless without the video, so here it is.

Scott opens the video with his worthless babble, then it happens again at the 23 second mark.