2012 NFL Wildcard Weekend Pressing Questions: Will the Bengals Win? If they do, Will the World Implode?

What do Kim and Kris have to do with the Bengals? We don't know either.

It's been 106.4 Kim Kardashian marriages since the Bengals last won a playoff game.

To comprehend how long that is, you'd need to know how long Kim Kardashian was married.

If you don't know how long Kim Kardashian was married, ask your wife. If she doesn't know, ask a  high school junior. If you don't know a high school junior, buy an US Weekly. If you can't afford an US Weekly, go to a New Jersey Nets game the next time they're in town and ask Kris Humphries. If the Nets aren't coming to your town, Google it.

But Google it last. I want to see everyone go through the above effort because we're getting lazy as a society.

Anyway, lets go straight to the picks.


Saturday


Cincinnati at Houston: Because Saturday's playoff game is being played indoors, the Bengals did the logical thing this week and practiced outdoors -- in 22 degree weather -- and their quarterback had the flu.

But lets not use logic to make this pick, lets use facts:

The Undefeated Factor

1. The Bengals are undefeated against Houston in playoff games. Sure, they've only played once. Sure it was in 1991 and sure Justin Bieber wasn't alive when it happened, but it still counts, whether Bieber was alive or not.

"Marty, two redheaded QB's on the same field: Great Scott."

The Redhead Factor

2. In Back to the Future II, Doc Brown theorized that if two red-headed quarterbacks were on the field at the same time in an NFL football game, the Space time-continuum would collapse on itself.

Texans 3rd string QB Jeff Garcia is a redhead, which means we're exactly two injured Houston quarterbacks from the end of the world. Somehow, I think this works in the Bengals favor.

The Non-Factor Factor Factor

3. If there are any mathematicians reading: can you confirm that the law of averages is a real law? Because if it is, then the Bengals have to win.

Their wide receiver is being investigated for having a marijuana farm delivered to his front door. Their starting running back spent the first two nights of the season in jail. They haven't won a playoff game in 7,659 days. If the law of averages exists, then something eventually has to go right, RIGHT? (And yes, this entire season went right, but lets not count that).

The INSIC quick pick: Bengals 23-20 over Houston. 


Detroit at New Orleans: I saw a kid in Target's parking lot last week smoking marijuana. He was also eating cheetos. He was also wearing a Saints hat. He also offered me a hit. So basically, yes, I'm picking the Saints based on the fandom of a high school kid in a Target parking lot who offered me a hit of marijuana.

Saints 41-31 over Detroit.


Sunday


Atlanta at New York Giants: I like the Falcons a lot. I really do. I lived in Atlanta for three years, I have a lot of homeless friends there and several friends with homes. Its a great city.

But lets be honest, watching the Falcons play outdoors is like going to Planned Parenthood on a Saturday morning and looking at the morning after pill line: there's panic on everybody's face.

In the last four years, the Falcons have played 41 indoor games and 23 outdoor games. The numbers suggest the Falcons should have more losses indoors because they've played more games, but the numbers are wrong. Atlanta is 12-11 outdoors and 31-10 indoors. Advantage: Giants.

Long story short, the morning after pill fails and the Falcons lose to the Giants 27-24.

Is there a Pope sex tape?

Pittsburgh at Denver: If you would've asked me in week 1 what was more likely to happen this season: Tim Tebow leading the Broncos to the playoffs or a sex tape being released of the Pope having a threesome with two of the Hanson brothers, I would've said, "there's no way Tebow's making the playoffs."

So here we are on Wildcard weekend and Tebow's in the playoffs  and thank God, there's no Pope sex tape, which is good, because really, no one wants to see any of the Hanson brothers naked.

If this game were being played on Saturday, I'd take the Broncos, but its being played on Sunday and as everyone knows, God rests on the sabbath, so Tebow's on his own. Steelers 17-10 over Denver. 


How much does INSIC know about football, here's an exact quote from our Bengals preview: With an early season schedule that's easier than a drunk Deena, the Bengals could top out at 9-7 this season.


Week 17
ATS: 10-6 
Straight up: 13-3


Final Regular Season Tally
ATS: 147-109
SU: 182-74

INSIC's Super Bowl Pick (Plus a Bonus Pick From the Cincinnati Bengals All-time Leading Scorer)

In the past month, we here at INSIC have learned three things:

1. Don't get into a Pontiac Sunfire with Rey Maualuga.

2. Don't call Heidi Montag's doctor for plastic surgery.

3. Don't bet American money on John Breech's playoff picks.

Since Breech picks winners about as well as Maualuga picks designated drivers, we've decided to enlist some help for making the pick in the big game.

We waited until the last possible minute (this post was published 90 minutes before the game), we watched more film than Peyton Manning and now, we're ready to make pick a Super Bowl winner.

Also providing a Super Bowl pick today: Bengals all-time leading scorer Jim Breech and Houston Texans safety John Busing.

Ass Alert: The following sentence is a joke that is in very poor taste, read at your own risk:

We here at the blog think that Peyton Manning will roll through New Orleans like Hurricane Katrina did. He put up 30 points on the number one defense in the NFL (Jets). This makes us think he'll put up at least 50 on the Saints.

INSIC Pick: Colts 43, Saints 35 (We decided the Colts will not score 50).

Now, its time to let our celebrity panel make their picks.

First up Jim Breech.

Jim Breech is the Bengals all-time leading scorer. If Joe Montanta had been born homeless or as a woman, Breech would have won the MVP in Super Bowl XXIII when he hit three field goals in the Bengals 20-16 loss. Breech's 40-yarder with 3:20 left in the game put the Bengals up 16-13. Then, Montana did what Montana does: rip out hearts. The 49er quarterback led his team on a 92-yard drive in the game's final three minutes. The drive culiminated with 34 seconds left when Montana hit John Taylor with a 10-yard touchdown pass.

Breech thinks that come 10:30 p.m. tonight, Manning will be getting sized for Super Bowl ring number two.

Jim Breech pick: Colts 34, Saints 27

Next up, John Busing.

Busing used to play for the Cincinnati Bengals, now he's spending his free time at Reliant Stadium as a member of the Houston Texans.

The coolest thing Busing has ever done?

He was the first person ever to intercept the human taco. No, that is not a lame Taco Bell joke. Busing was the first player in the NFL to pick off Mark Sanchez.

We here at the blog nicknamed Sanchez the Human Taco, we think this ranks up there with 'The Situation' as coolest nickname ever. Please call Sanchez the Human Taco. Busing, for his awesome interception, has won free tacos for life from this blog.

John Busing pick: Colts 28, Saints 24

This update was posted live from Charlotte at a Super Bowl party. The person hosting the party has demanded that his Super Bowl pick be made public:

Brad Parsanko pick: Colts 38, Saints 31

No Blackout for Bengals-Texans? Ocho Says He's Teamed Up with Motorola to Ensure Sunday Sellout (Free Ticket Update at Bottom of Page)

If you're a poor Cincinnatian who can't afford Bengals tickets and you were wondering how in the name of Boomer Esiason you were going to watch the Houston game this Sunday, worry no more.

At 1:05 p.m. on Twitter, our favorite outgoing receiver, Chad Ochocinco, announced that he's teamed up with Motorola to purchase the remaining tickets. There were believed to be about 2,000 left for Sunday's game.

The Bengals went on an all out blitz this week trying to sell tickets. On Monday morning the Bengals ticket office said there were about 7,500 non-premium seats left for Sunday's game.

Wednesday evening, operation "sell tickets or die" continued. Bengals all-time leading scorer Jim Breech hosted a conference call with Marvin Lewis, Ochocinco, Dhani Jones, Ray Maualuga and Andrew Whitworth. Over 13,000 Bengals fans listened in at some point during the hour long call.

By Thursday at 1 p.m., only 3,000 tickets were left. Because the Bengals were able to sell 4,500 tickets in three days, the NFL granted the team a 24-hour extension, a privilege usually reserved for clubs that are only 1,500 tickets short of a sell out.

Under normal circumstances, if an NFL game is not sold out within 72-hours of kickoff, it is not shown on local TV. If a team is close to selling out, the NFL will grant the team a 24-hour extension to sell the tickets. The Bengals had until 1 p.m. today to sell out the game.

Official word of the sell out is not expected from the Bengals until 4 p.m.

Again, no official announcement has come from the team. INSIC puts the sellout at 90-10 percent. We don't think there is anyway Chad would put his fun loving reputation on the line if the sell out wasn't going to happen.

Here's how we think the city should reward Chad, the next 85 kids born in the Greater Cincinnati Area should be named Ocho, Cinco or Awesome-O.

*Update* Cincinnati Enquirer beat writer Joe Reedy has confirmed the sellout with Channel 12 and the station now has a story up on their site.

*Update 2* Just when this story couldn't get any more ridiculously awesome, the Bengals official website announced at 2:35 p.m. that Motorola will be giving away 1200 free tickets to the game, per the website:

"The Bengals, Local 12 (CBS affiliate WKRC-TV in Cincinnati) and Motorola worked together to ensure the blackout would be lifted. As part of this plan, Motorola will give away 1,200 tickets (600 pairs of tickets) to Bengals fans for free, starting at 11:30 am Saturday at the North Ticket Office (next to the Bengals Pro Shop) at PBS. Motorola is a long-time sponsor of the Bengals and has a newly aligned partnership with Ochocinco."

Wow. Tomorrow's INSIC headline, "Riots hit Cincinnati for second time this decade."