2012 NFL Wildcard Weekend Pressing Questions: Will the Bengals Win? If they do, Will the World Implode?

What do Kim and Kris have to do with the Bengals? We don't know either.

It's been 106.4 Kim Kardashian marriages since the Bengals last won a playoff game.

To comprehend how long that is, you'd need to know how long Kim Kardashian was married.

If you don't know how long Kim Kardashian was married, ask your wife. If she doesn't know, ask a  high school junior. If you don't know a high school junior, buy an US Weekly. If you can't afford an US Weekly, go to a New Jersey Nets game the next time they're in town and ask Kris Humphries. If the Nets aren't coming to your town, Google it.

But Google it last. I want to see everyone go through the above effort because we're getting lazy as a society.

Anyway, lets go straight to the picks.


Saturday


Cincinnati at Houston: Because Saturday's playoff game is being played indoors, the Bengals did the logical thing this week and practiced outdoors -- in 22 degree weather -- and their quarterback had the flu.

But lets not use logic to make this pick, lets use facts:

The Undefeated Factor

1. The Bengals are undefeated against Houston in playoff games. Sure, they've only played once. Sure it was in 1991 and sure Justin Bieber wasn't alive when it happened, but it still counts, whether Bieber was alive or not.

"Marty, two redheaded QB's on the same field: Great Scott."

The Redhead Factor

2. In Back to the Future II, Doc Brown theorized that if two red-headed quarterbacks were on the field at the same time in an NFL football game, the Space time-continuum would collapse on itself.

Texans 3rd string QB Jeff Garcia is a redhead, which means we're exactly two injured Houston quarterbacks from the end of the world. Somehow, I think this works in the Bengals favor.

The Non-Factor Factor Factor

3. If there are any mathematicians reading: can you confirm that the law of averages is a real law? Because if it is, then the Bengals have to win.

Their wide receiver is being investigated for having a marijuana farm delivered to his front door. Their starting running back spent the first two nights of the season in jail. They haven't won a playoff game in 7,659 days. If the law of averages exists, then something eventually has to go right, RIGHT? (And yes, this entire season went right, but lets not count that).

The INSIC quick pick: Bengals 23-20 over Houston. 


Detroit at New Orleans: I saw a kid in Target's parking lot last week smoking marijuana. He was also eating cheetos. He was also wearing a Saints hat. He also offered me a hit. So basically, yes, I'm picking the Saints based on the fandom of a high school kid in a Target parking lot who offered me a hit of marijuana.

Saints 41-31 over Detroit.


Sunday


Atlanta at New York Giants: I like the Falcons a lot. I really do. I lived in Atlanta for three years, I have a lot of homeless friends there and several friends with homes. Its a great city.

But lets be honest, watching the Falcons play outdoors is like going to Planned Parenthood on a Saturday morning and looking at the morning after pill line: there's panic on everybody's face.

In the last four years, the Falcons have played 41 indoor games and 23 outdoor games. The numbers suggest the Falcons should have more losses indoors because they've played more games, but the numbers are wrong. Atlanta is 12-11 outdoors and 31-10 indoors. Advantage: Giants.

Long story short, the morning after pill fails and the Falcons lose to the Giants 27-24.

Is there a Pope sex tape?

Pittsburgh at Denver: If you would've asked me in week 1 what was more likely to happen this season: Tim Tebow leading the Broncos to the playoffs or a sex tape being released of the Pope having a threesome with two of the Hanson brothers, I would've said, "there's no way Tebow's making the playoffs."

So here we are on Wildcard weekend and Tebow's in the playoffs  and thank God, there's no Pope sex tape, which is good, because really, no one wants to see any of the Hanson brothers naked.

If this game were being played on Saturday, I'd take the Broncos, but its being played on Sunday and as everyone knows, God rests on the sabbath, so Tebow's on his own. Steelers 17-10 over Denver. 


How much does INSIC know about football, here's an exact quote from our Bengals preview: With an early season schedule that's easier than a drunk Deena, the Bengals could top out at 9-7 this season.


Week 17
ATS: 10-6 
Straight up: 13-3


Final Regular Season Tally
ATS: 147-109
SU: 182-74

NFL Week 2 Bengals-Broncos: INSIC Makes a Pick and Puts Out a Power Ranking

F Brandon Stokley Photo by the Cincinnati Enquirer

Hottest twins ever?

Every Friday for the rest of the NFL season, we're going to post INSIC's quick picks and power rankings. Unless of course Nick at Night starts showing reruns of Sister, Sister on Fridays.

If that happens, this blog has no future because everyone here will dance around naked and eat pudding while watching the highly entertaining twin duo of Tia and Tamara Mowry. Tia and Tamara are the hottest twins of all-time not named Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Anyway, a few quick facts about the power rankings:

1. Because we're a Cincinnati blog, we'll be devising the rankings under the pretense that the Bengals are the best team in the NFL (which shouldn't be difficult because they are).

2. We'll only be ranking 12 teams.

Why only 12 you ask?

First Glen Rice, who's next?

A. because we're lazy and B. because that's how many teams make the playoffs. Teams number 13 thru 32 will have one thing in common on Jan. 2: they'll all be free to go try and have a one-night stand with Sarah Palin because their season will be over.

3. To clarify further, these rankings are basically playoff projections, so the 12 teams we rank will include six teams from the AFC and six teams from the NFC.

AFC

1. New England (1-0): If Carson Palmer threw for 517 yards in a game and Ochocinco only had 14 of them, Chad would have gone to the Paul Brown Stadium parking lot and set Carson's car on fire. Ocho didn't do this to Brady, which means one of two things: Ocho didn't have any matches or he respects Brady...

2. Baltimore (1-0): No, the Ravens didn't take the Steelers into a Milledgeville, Georgia bar bathroom, but they definitely took advantage of them.

3. San Diego (1-0): Charger kicker Nate Kaeding tore his ACL on the opening kickoff Sunday. The only injury we can think of that's worse: your hair catching on fire while you try and blow out your birthday candles... and the hair we're talking about isn't on your head.

4. Houston (1-0): Beating the Colts without Peyton Manning is like having hot sex with a Kardashian... Rob Kardashian. Its nothing to brag about, as a matter of fact, you probably shouldn't tell anyone.

5. Buffalo (1-0): Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard, which means for fun, he likes to do calculus, herd cats and learn foreign languages.

6. Cincinnati (1-0): Mike Brown's diabolical plan of being mediocre for 20 years and then waiting until 2011 to surprise attack every team in the NFL is starting to take shape.

NFC

Are you a Packers fan? If so, this could be you every Sunday.

1. Green Bay (1-0): If you're an alcoholic and you're a Packers fan, here's an easy game to play this season: take a shot every time Green Bay scores.

2. Philadelphia (1-0): The Eagles beat the Rams Sunday, but their strategy of injuring the other team's three best players probably isn't going to work every week (They injured Sam Bradford, Steven Jackson and Danny Amendola). Andy Reid better think of something new for Sunday night's game with Atlanta.

3. New Orleans (0-1): The Saints might be the best 0-1 team in NFL history. However, going forward, Sean Payton may want to let Drew Brees' mole make all goal line calls.

4. San Francisco (1-0): The 49ers are shaping up to be the date rape drug of the NFL this season, just when you think they have no chance to win/get laid, you wake up six hours/four months later and wonder how they won the division/got you in bed.

5. Chicago (1-0): The Bears had the most impressive win in the NFL Sunday, which is amazing because outside the National Geographic channel, the words 'Bears' and 'impressive' are never used in the same sentence.

6. Atlanta (0-1): Instead of writing anything about the Falcons, we're just going to show you this commercial because its funny and if you're a Falcons fan, you didn't have anything to laugh about last Sunday:



WEEK 2 PICKS

How many cute kittens died so that we could make our  week 

one picks?

To make our week one picks, we threw 16 cats off a 12-story roof, if they lived, we picked the home team, if they didn't, we picked the away team. Unfortunately, we picked the away team a few times, which means not all the cats lived, but don't fret: Sprinkes, Ted and Tiny Nick didn't die in vain, we went 3-0 in those picks.

However, due to complaints by the police, the SPCA and our neighbors who are looking for their missing cats, we decided to change strategies this week. We're just going to pick the team that doesn't suck.

Week 1 Picks:
Straight-up: 10-6
SU Overall: 10-6
Against the Spread: 10-6
ATS Overall: 10-6
Exact picks: 1 (We picked Detroit 27-20 over Tampa, Detroit beat Tampa 27-20)

Week 2 picks:
Cincinnati 20-17 over Denver
Detriot 34-17 over Kansas City
Buffalo 31-20 over Oakland
Tampa Bay 20-13 over Minnesota
New Orleans 34-31 over Chicago
Baltimore 27-17 over Tennessee
Cleveland 24-17 over Indianapolis
Jets 30-13 over Jacksonville
Pittsburgh 34-10 over Seattle
Washington 27-13 over Arizona
Green Bay 35-21 over Carolina
Dallas 24-20 over San Francisco
New England 31-27 over San Diego
Houston 27-20 over Miami
Atlanta 35-31 over Philadelphia
Giants 28-20 over St. Louis

Bengals Beat Ravens, but WAIT, Did Bengals Beat Broncos?

Everyone saw the Bengals dominate the Ravens today like a meth addict dominate his bathroom lab.

The win brought the Bengals to 6-2 on the season. Now, we hate to bring up the Denver game, but it has to be done. Why? Because someone sent us a picture of number 27 Knowshon Moreno getting his cheat on.

Yes, in the top middle right corner of this photo, that is former UGA star Knowshon Moreno, illegally on the field during Stokley's crap ass touchdown catch. If you can get a hold of the replay, you'll plainly see that Moreno was ILLEGALLY ON the field and the play should have been called back (Knowshon was not in on the Stokley play, he was on the sideline watching like 60,000 other people).

Please make note of the fact that EVERY OTHER PERSON on the Bronco sideline knows how to properly cheer: by not running on the field before the play is over.

The Official Bengals Skewed NFL Week 3 Power Rankings (Top 15)

If there is one thing we love to do here at Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati, its this: create an NFL power rankings that only takes into account how awesome the Bengals are.

As most Cincinnati fans know, the Bengals have slowly been creeping up on the NFL for the last 18 seasons. Its been the world's longest and most cleverly planned sneak attack.

Most Bengals fans like to call Mike Brown stupid, here at INSIC we prefer incredibly intelligent.

For the last 18 years, Brown has successfully made every NFL franchise believe that the Bengals are the French Army of the NFL, horribly organized and a threat to no one.

However, after two decades, Brown's plan is just beginning to take shape. What is that plan you ask?

Obviously it's that the Bengals are going to sneak up on every team they play this season, beat them to a pulp and then win the division. There is no other word to describe this except for brilliant.

Everyone at INSIC agrees that Brown only has one intellectual equivalent: MacGyver. Unfortunately, five minutes before we wrote this, we found out that MacGyver is a fictional character, which by default, makes Brown the smartest man on earth.

Anyway, here is the Bengals Skewed Week 3 Power Rankings:

1. Denver Broncos (2-0): You can't argue this one. Any team that beats the Bengals has to be number one. Yes, this means we had 11 teams tied at number one after last season was over. Don't ask where we had the Eagles after the tie.

2. Cincinnati Bengals (1-1): Bill Simmons is never wrong. Bill Simmons picked the Packers to win the Super Bowl. The Bengals beat the Packers, so right now, using basic elementary syllogism, we can ascertain that the Bengals are now Simmons' pick to win the Super Bowl. (Sorry for using ascertain and syllogism in the same sentence, Daniel Webster wrote the first eight paragraphs of this post).

3. Indianapolis Colts (2-0): Peyton Manning spent more time in the post game shower Monday night than his offense did with the football (14:53). If you can hold the pigskin for under 15 minutes and still win an NFL football game, your team should not only win the game, they should get free Waffle House for life...

4. Atlanta Falcons (2-0): Matt Ryan hooked up with Tony Gonzalez Sunday more times than he hooked up with his girlfriend all of last week.

5. New York Giants (2-0): Every time Eli Manning orchestrates anything resembling a comeback, everyone in the country thinks it's a fluke. That's how we know Sunday night was a fluke.

6. San Francisco 49ers (2-0): The NFC West is like a giant game of Twister being played by four blind people, three of whom are on crutches. Lucky for the 49ers, they're the team not on crutches this year.

7. New Orleans Saints (2-0): Here's the most interesting question to come out of week 3, who scored more last weekend, the Saints or Justin Timberlake?

8. New York Jets (2-0): Note to Mark Sanchez: Rookie quarterbacks do not win Super Bowls. Yes, they get laid all the time, yes they get all the free maple syrup they want, but they don't win Super Bowls.

9. Minnesota Vikings (2-0): Old Man Favre is like Taco Bell. You hate it and you won't go near it until your drunk off 18 shots of tequila and it's the only thing open. Then and only then can you enjoy it.

10. Baltimore Ravens (2-0): Ravens fans, you're lucky you're this high. Sure ESPN has you number one, but they must be forgetting that you have to play the Bengals twice this season. That's two losses. Combine that with the surefire losses to Indianapolis, Minnesota, Pittsburgh (once) and New England and that puts you at 10-6, hope its good enough to make the playoffs.

11. Green Bay Packers (1-1): Green Bay should not be punished for losing to the eventual Super Bowl champs. That's like getting pissed at your grandpa for losing to Garry Kasparov in chess.

12. Chicago Bears (1-1): Beating the Steelers usually means a jump to number three, but everyone at INSIC hates Jay Cutler. If we had a choice between viewing a Cutler post game press conference or watching Spencer Pratt have sex with a dying panda bear in a truck stop shower, well... lets just hope we're never stuck with that choice.

13. San Diego Chargers (1-1): People being suffocated to death don't choke as much as this team. Will they ever win a big game against a good team? And no, that is not a rhetorical question, the answer is, "Not as long as Norv Turner is coach."

14. New England Patriots (1-1): Maybe if Tom Brady would stop impregnating his Supermodel wife, he could find some time to win a fricking football game.

15. Buffalo Bills (1-1): The Bills won't be ranked long, we're just already tired of Terrell Owens complaining about the Bills ranking in our blog.




31. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1): This is obvious, if anything, we are over ranking them. The Steelers are horrible. They lost to the Bears, the whole city is a flammable piece of trash and Hines Ward hates old people.

32. Cleveland Browns (0-2): As if the city of Cleveland doesn't have enough problems, they now have to deal with a completely inept football team that might somehow manage to lose more games than the Indians (As of this writing the Indians have 89 losses, so this might not seem mathematically possible, but its the Browns, so you never know.)

Thought Sunday's Loss Was Bad: This is the Cincinnati Bengals, It's Not Even In The Top Five

(The 49ers handed the Bengals three of the most excruciating losses in team history. In two of them, Bill Walsh's [right] 49ers beats Sam Wcyhe's Bengals)

For most NFL fan bases, losing a game on an 87-yard tipped touchdown pass would probably be the low point in franchise history. Not in Cincinnati though. Nightmares happen here more often than on Elm Street.

The truth is that no Cincinnati fan over the age of six actually thought the game was over after Cedric Benson's touchdown.

With :38 seconds left in the game, I swear to David Klingler I had this exact thought,

"I bet Orton throws a high liner for Marshall that Leon Hall tips into the air, it will be caught by Brandon Stokely, who hasn't had a catch all day and he'll scamper 87-yards for a touchdown."

OK, so I didn't think that. I was thinking more along the lines of, "I bet Matt Prater makes a 68-yard field goal left-footed with no shoe on."

Hopefully you get the point here—Bengals fans have very active imaginations when it comes to ways to lose a game.

Anyway, let's get to the five most gut punching losses ever, please get out the puke bucket because your stomach is going to get queasy....

Honorable Mention:

Sept. 19, 1976 at Baltimore 28-27: Maybe the Bengals should just forfeit weeks one and two to make things easier on the fans. In week two of 1976, the Bengals watch their 27-21 lead disappear late in the fourth quarter on a Roosevelt Leaks two-yard touchdown run. Cincinnati would finish 10-4 and out of the playoffs, the Colts would go 11-3 and be the last team in.

Jan. 24, 1982, Super Bowl XVI: The Bengals' first foray into the big game almost turned into embarrassment when they found themselves down 20-0 at halftime. However, the Bengals came within inches of a miraculous third quarter comeback.

On first-and-goal from the one, Cincinnati had four chances to punch the ball in for a touchdown that would have cut the 49er lead to 20-14.

However, this is the Bengals, so we all know what happens. Bengals don't get in, 49ers end up winning 26-21.

Sept. 13, 2009 vs. Broncos 12-7: You know what happened. The immaculate deflection. Lets just say that historically, the Bengals do not respond well to adversity, see the last 18 seasons.

Sept. 12, 1999 vs. Tennessee 36-35: On opening day 1999, the Bengals managed to blow a 35-26 lead in the fourth quarter. Al Del Greco hit the game winner as time trickled down in the game. Tennessee would finish the season one-yard shy of a World Championship, the Bengals would end the year 4-12.

Dec. 31, 2006 vs. Pittsburgh 23-17 OT-Mr. Almost Always Automatic Shayne Graham goes wide on a 39-yard attempt that would have put the Bengals in the playoffs. This wasn't as painful as a week earlier which starts off this list.

5. Dec. 24, 2006 at Denver

99 percent of Bengals fans had a flashback to this game on Sunday. Either you did it when St. Louis crapped out the snap on the first half field goal. Or you kept saying to yourself after Cedric Benson's touchdown, 'they're going to botch the extra point, damnit, I know it.'

We all remember this Christmas Eve classic. St. Louis and holder Kyle Larsen look like they've never held or snapped a ball in their lives. Blah, blah, blah, read this post for the rest of the story. Bottom line this game cost us a playoff spot, Bengals lose 24-23.

4. TIE October 30, 1994 vs. Dallas, October 20, 1996 at San Francisco

I think you'll notice that the 49ers are on this list 17 times. Anyway, in the Dallas game, the 0-8 Bengals are 17-point underdogs to the defending Super Bowl champs. Jeff 'Shake n' Blake comes out firing and hits Darnay Scott with two long touchdown passes (67, 55) as the Bengals shoot out to a 14-0 lead. Um, lets see, how does this game end again. How about Cowboys kicker Chris Boniol hitting a late fourth quarter field goal for a 23-20 Cowboys win.

49ers-Bengals also involves a bomb or two to Darnay Scott. Only this time the Bengals would jump out to a 21-0 lead. Then Steve Young, who, if you believe the announcers, was dying of cancer in the second half, made a miraculous comeback. 49ers win 28-21 with a fourth quarter touchdown, Young is called a hero, a trooper and he probably would have been named Pope if he wasn't mormon. Blah, blah, blah.


3. September 20, 1987 at Cincinnati vs. San Francisco

Former Bengals Kicker Jim Breech is going to love this list because 3 of the 5 losses listed cost him fame, fortune and probably his own Cessna.

In this game that most fans don't remember and pretty much is the equivalent of getting hit in the face with a tire iron, Breech hit four field goals (23, 42, 41, 46) including two in the fourth quarter that gave Cincy a 26-20 lead.

With :06 seconds showing on the clock, the Bengals had the ball on their own 31. Coach Sam Wyche didn't want to risk a blocked punt, so he had running back James Brooks run a sweep. The thought being that the speedy Brooks could run out :06. But this is the Bengals, so we all know that didn't happen.

Brooks loses six yards and is tripped up at the 25-yard line with :02 left. That turns out to be all the time Joe Montana needs to hit Jerry Rice for a game-winning touchdown. Ray Wersching's extra point means the 49ers escape Riverfront with a 27-26 win. If you're looking for a gut punching last second loss where there is no time left on the clock, this is it.

2. September 20, 1992 (Is Sept. 20 cursed, WTF, this game, the 49er game, what the hell is going to happen this Sunday)

I won't go into detail here about this game because on Thursday INSIC will be producing a Bengals-Packers top five games ever. Lets just say Jim Breech hits a 41-yard field goal to give the Bengals a 23-17 lead with 1:11 showing on the clock.

The ensuing kickoff leaves the Pack at their own eight-yard line.

What do the Packers have going against them?

Top receiver Sterling Sharpe goes out two plays into the drive thanks to an injury. Starting quarterback Don Majkowski had already gone down in the first half, so Green Bay needed their backup quarterback (a second-year castoff from Atlanta) to drive them 92 yards, which is the equivalent of putting a homeless guy in a chemistry lab and asking him to cure AIDS.

What do you think happens? It's the Bengals, and it's the game that makes Brett Favre a legend. Packers 24-23.

Even more heartbreaking, the Bengals were 2-0 going into this game. They would finish the season 5-11.

1. I'll let Youtube explain this one.

But lets just say, Jim Breech makes his cameo appearance with 3:16 left in this game when he hits a 40-yard field goal to put the team up 16-13.

Bengals fans get happy.

Bengals fans realize they will probably lose.

Bengals fans knew this was coming, so crying was kept to a minimum.

This link is Montana-to-Taylor only, the above link begins at 3:16 with Breech's field goal.

I say Bengals lose to Packers 12-11 this week, but all of Green Bay's points are scored on safeties.

Oh and in case you're some sort of masochist and you still haven't had enough, here's the clip from number three. Keep in mind, the Bengals were up 26-20 and had the ball with six seconds left. They couldn't run out the clock and the 49ers got the ball back with two seconds left on the Bengals 25-yard line.

Cincinnati Bengals-San Francisco 49ers, 1987

Bengals-Broncos: Bengals Fans Have Suicidal Reaction to Impossible Loss

Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati is sad to report that we received this video 3 minutes after the Bengals game ended. RIP friend.

On a side note, only a Bengals fan would watch a football game with a bottle of tequila and a giant steak knife on their coffee table.

Football History 101: Bengals-Broncos Top 5 Games Ever

Will Sunday's Bengals-Broncos game be a classic? Probably not. No game involving Kyle Orton ever is.

However, these two franchises have had several sweet battles in the past. In honor of Sunday's opener, INSIC has decided to look at the top 5 games in Bengals-Broncos history.

If you're lucky, you can use this knowledge on Sunday to get laid.

If you're not lucky, you'll probably use this knowledge to relive the time in 2006 when you didn't celebrate Christmas because Brad St. Louis did the long snapper's equivalent of a Scott Norwood in the Bengals 24-23 loss to the Broncos.

Fun Fact that can be used to outsmart drunk know-it-alls: The Bengals and Broncos were actually division rivals in 1968 and '69. During Cincinnati's first two season's in the league, they played in the AFL's West Division with Oakland, Kansas City, San Diego, and Denver.

All-time series: Broncos lead 16-8*

*=will be 16-9 after Sunday

Let's start the countdown:

5. Sept. 2, 1984, at Denver

The 2009 season won't be the first time these two teams have met in the opener. In 1984, expectations were high for both squads.

The Broncos were coming off their first playoff appearance in three years, while the Bengals were in the midst of a run that saw them get to the playoffs in two of the previous three seasons.

In his first game as Bengals head coach, Sam Wyche watched his team lose on a fourth-quarter touchdown pass—only second-year Broncos quarterback John Elway didn't throw it.

Gary "Nobody has ever heard of me" Kubiak, playing in one of only two games he started on the season, hit tight end Clarence Kay with an eight-yard strike that gave his team the lead late in the game.

The game was filled with errors. Broncos kicker Rich Karlis missed his first extra point attempt on the day. Bengals kicker Jim Breech uncharacteristically missed two field goals (he made a 46-yarder), and Bengals quarterback Ken Anderson threw a pick that set up Denver's second touchdown.

The Bengals would finish the 1984 season at 8-8 and one game out of the playoffs, while the Broncos would take the AFC West with a 13-3 record.

Result: Denver 20, Cincinnati 17

4. Oct. 25, 2004, at Cincinnati

This game was big for one reason and one reason only: the return of Monday Night Football to Cincinnati. After a 15-year absence (MNF's last visit to Cincinnati had been on Sept. 25, 1989) the Bengals returned with a vengeance.

Cincinnati was 1-4 going into the game, and ABC may have regretted bringing prime-time football back to the Queen City.

However, a 50-yard touchdown pass from Carson Palmer to Chad Johnson resulted in the first score of the game and the Bengals never looked back.

Result: Cincinnati 23, Denver 10

3. Sept. 15, 1968, at Cincinnati

This game could arguably be No. 1, considering its historical significance for the Bengals franchise. The 24-10 win over Denver represented both the Bengals' first home game ever and the first win in team history.

Bengals quarterback John Stofa threw for 224 yards and two touchdowns on the day. Stofa's TD passes were both long bombs. The first one was a 58-yarder to Bengals great Bob Trumpy, the second one a 54-yard beauty to Warren McVea.

Stofa only started seven games in his Bengals career, with this win over Denver undoubtedly being the highlight. McVea would end his lone season in Cincinnati with a mere two touchdown catches.

Result: Cincinnati 24, Denver 10

2. Dec. 24, 2006, at Denver

The very thought of this game makes most Bengals fans want to bathe in used cat litter. After Denver took a 24-17 lead late in the game on a Jason Elam field goal, it was up to Carson Palmer and the Bengals offense to prove that they were not only fun to watch, but clutch as well.

Palmer did his part, running a perfect two-minute drill in the fourth quarter. He then capped the remarkable drive with a 10-yard touchdown pass to T.J. Houshmandzadeh, which tied the game at 24...

Hold on—no it didn't. The Bengals still had to make the extra point. After a low Brad St. Louis snap was bobbled by Kyle Larson in the cold Denver snow, kicker Shayne Graham never got a chance to put his right foot on the ball.

Overtime averted, Broncos win, and Bengals fans spend Christmas Eve drinking egg nog laced Captain Morgan and cursing Santa Claus.

Result: Denver 24, Cincinnati 23

1. Oct. 22, 2000, at Cincinnati

On paper, this game had all the makings of a blowout. The lowly Bengals came into the game 0-6, having already been shut out twice in the season's first six weeks.

Denver, on the other hand, came into the game 4-3 and on its way to claiming an AFC Wildcard at 11-5. The wildcard slot would have been a division title if the Broncos had won this game.

However, with the Broncos' defensive front seven seemingly on a mental vacation, Bengals running back Corey Dillon exploded for a then-NFL record 278 rushing yards.

As the Bengals averaged a dismal 6.2 points in their first six games, nobody in the world could have seen this coming. Dillon scored on runs of 65 and 41 yards while averaging an unimaginable 12.6 yards per carry.

To put into perspective how bad this Bengals team was, this would be the first and only time all season Cincinnati scored more than 30 points. The offense would finish the season ranked 30th (out of 31) in the NFL.

Result: Cincinnati 31, Denver 21

Bengals-Broncos on Verge of Not Selling Out, Crazy Tailgate Contraptions May Not be Used

As the clock ticks toward 1 p.m. Friday, it's looking more and more like the Bengals will not sell out Sunday's home opener (there are over 4,000 tickets left. Usually a team must sell out by 1 p.m. Thursday, but the Bengals were granted a 24 hour extension).

What does this mean for you, the loyal Bengals fan. This means that if you live within 75 miles of Cincinnati, the game will not be on in your market.

And yes, this includes you, you sneaky Lexingtonians (KY) who thought you might get the game. You're considered a Bengals market which means one thing (cue the soup nazi), no Bengals game for you.

What it comes down to is this, the only way you're going to be able to watch the game is if I set up a slingbox at my house in Atlanta (If you're like 97 percent of the country and don't know what a slingbox is, click here, basically, I can send my Directv feed to your computer.)

Although I should note that the NFL this morning partially waived the black out rule. To most Bengals fans, this news is on par with hearing that Andre Smith only partially ate a fried twinkie dinner last night (The good news: Andre didn't eat the whole meal. Bad news: Smith is still eating fried twinkie dinners. Good news: NFL partially waives blackout rule. Bad News: You still can't watch the game live.)

The NFL will now rebroadcast each game on NFL.com for free, beginning at 12:01 am Monday (Sunday night if you will). So if you're one of those people that has no TV, no computer, no cell phone, no pager and no friends that will spoil the outcome of the game, then this is perfect for you.

Oh there is one more thing, Bengals owner Mike Brown could do what Falcons owner Artur Blank did last season: drop ticket prices $10 for the game, have sponsors buy 1,500 and sell any remaining season tickets in the top deck for $300. But that would make too much sense.

By the way, since my NFL picks won't be up until Saturday, my prediction for tonight: the team I hate more than Hitler 20, Titans 13.