Bengals-Jaguars Pick, Plus How Al Davis Indirectly Started INSIC

"Al, I am your father."

Since Al Davis died Saturday, it only makes sense to start today's post off with a quick Al Davis story.

Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati founder John Breech is the son of former Bengals kicker and all around bad ass Jim Breech. Unbeknownst to many Bengals fans, Jim was drafted by the Detroit Lions in 1978. Yup, that's right, the Lions.

Jim Breech played for the Raiders?

Anyway, the Lions cut Breech in '78 and he was left without a job. For one year, Breech was out of the NFL, it looked like he was going to spend the rest of his life making homemade diapers for a living.

That is until 1979 when Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders called. Breech went to training camp in '79, won the kicking job, and then ended up in the NFL for 13 more years.

"He gave me the opportunity [to play] in Oakland," Breech said of Davis. "If he hadn't, I might have never kicked in the league."

So props to you Al Davis for taking a chance on a 5-foot-6, 155 pound smurf from the University of California at Berkeley.

OK, enough Al Davis talk, lets get to the power rankings that aren't really power rankings.

INSIC's Weekly Power Rankings that have Nothing to do with Power

We explained how our power rankings work two weeks ago, if you need a refresher, click here.

AFC

1. New England Patriots (3-1): Wes Welker is on pace to have 13 million catches for 9 billion yards this season. If the team you're playing in fantasy this week has Welker, you should probably just forfeit.


2. San Diego Chargers (3-1):  The chances of San Diego losing to Denver Sunday are negative 4 percent.

3. Baltimore Ravens (3-1): Due to the Ravens bye, there is no way the Bengals can be in first place after tomorrow. We don't want to live a world where the Bengals can't be in first place. The NFL should either eliminate byes or make the Ravens play 17 games.

4. Houston Texans (3-1): On a normal Sunday, Raiders-Texans would rank behind Never Ending Story II on a list of things exciting to watch. Al Davis passing away though makes this a must watch game.

Could the Bengals win an all "C" division?

5. Tennessee Titans (3-1): Would you rather be red headed or bald? That needs to be a post game question for Matt Hasselbeck.


6. Cincinnati Bengals (2-2): If there were an all "C" division in the NFL (Cincinnati, Cleveland, Chicago, Carolina), the Bengals would be tied for first. We really wish there were an all "C" division in the NFL.

NFC

1. Green Bay Packers (4-0): The Packers should just get a bye to the Super Bowl.

2. New Orleans Saints (3-1): Drew Brees and Cam Newton might combine to throw for 3,000 yards Sunday.

3. New York Giants (3-1): Someone at Grantland.com said that of all of the QB's in the NFL, Eli Manning is the best husband material. Someone at Grantland.com is sticking heroin needles in places they shouldn't stick heroin needles.


4. San Francisco 49ers (3-1): Alex Smith is starting to look like Joe Montana, except not at all.

5. Detroit Lions (4-0): Talk about getting ripped off. The Lions are on Monday Night Football for the first time in 97 years this week and they don't even get the Monday Night Football song. If there's no song, its not really Monday Night Football.



6. Washington Redskins (3-1): The PC police want the Redskins to change their name. If they went with the Foreskins, would that be more or less offensive? 

Week 4 Picks
Straight-up: 12-4
SU Overall: 46-18
Against the Spread: 11-5
ATS Overall: 35-29
Exact Week 2 Picks: 0
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Week 5 Picks
Cincinnati 20-13 over Jacksonville
Philadelphia 27-21 over Buffalo
Tennessee 24-20 over Pittsburgh
N.Y. Giants 31-17 over Seattle
New Orleans 38-27 over Carolina
Houston 27-20 over Oakland
Kansas City 24-21 over Indianapolis
Minnesota 31-24 over Arizona
San Francisco 20-14 over Tampa Bay
New England 34-27 over N.Y. Jets
San Diego 31-20 over Denver
Green Bay 38-31 over Atlanta
Detroit 27-20 over Chicago

INSIC's Bengals-49ers Pick, Plus How the Week Could Have Been Worse for the Bengals

Worst week ever? Obviously you weren't a Bengals fan in 1989.

If you're a Bengals fan, then you probably realize that this week has been straight out of a Stephen King novel, that is, if Stephen King wrote sports novels about illegal marijuana deliveries.

As bad as this week has been though, please keep in mind that it could have been worse... and we'll tell you why.

Lets review:

Monday: the Bengals announce that Jordan Shipley has a torn ACL and will miss the rest of the season.

Shipley's lucky he's not a gopher.

But it could have been worse, the Bengals could have announced that Shipley has a flesh eating virus that turns you into a gopher and causes AIDS. They didn't though. They announced it was only a torn ACL. ONLY a torn ACL.

Tuesday: Authorities track a 2.5 pound shipment of high-grade marijuana to Jerome Simpson's house. Simpson is now under investigation and because of that, he missed practice on Thursday and Friday. Based on the situation, Simpson might also miss Sunday's game against the 49ers, along with every Bengals game for the next 2-4 years.

But it could have been worse, Simpson could have had a dump truck full of cocaine delivered to a Cincinnati area foster home and then forced the poor foster children to do coke lines at gun point. Not only would have this been worse, it would have been 11 times more illegal than having 2.5 pounds of high-grade marijuana delivered to your house.

Thursday: Mike Silver from Yahoo! sports reports that the NFL has suspended Cedric Benson for three games. Silver says Benson will be allowed to play Sunday against the 49ers and will have the chance to appeal the suspension on Tuesday. Of course, it could have been worse, Benson could have shot himself in the leg at a nightclub.

INSIC's Weekly Power Rankings that have Nothing to do with Power

We explained how our power rankings work last week, if you need a refresher, click here.

AFC

1. New England (2-0): Do you think Ochocinco finds irony in the fact that the Jerome Simpson marijuana investigation involves ocho point cinco ounces of pot? He has too. Right?

2. San Diego (1-1): In week one, Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding tore his ACL on the first play of the game. This week against the Chiefs, every player on San Diego's roster could tear their ACL on the first play of the game and the Chargers would still win.

3. Baltimore (1-1): Last Sunday, the Ravens defense got torched like a stunt double in Backdraft. Matt Hasselbeck threw for over 300 yards and Tennessee rolled. The Ravens defense will be mad Sunday against the Rams, which means there's a very good chance that at least 12 Rams players will suffer season ending injuries this weekend.

4. Houston (2-0): If the Texans are good at anything, its completely collapsing after a 2-0 start. In 2007, the Texans started 2-0, only to lose five of their next six. In 2010, the Texans started 2-0, only to lose six of their next eight. This year, the Texans are 2-0 and oh, lets look at their next four games: Saints, Raiders, Steelers, Ravens. Best case scenario there: 1-3.

Harvard QB's are undefeated this season.

5. Buffalo (2-0): The Bills and their Harvard quarterback came back from down 21-3 Sunday to beat the Raiders, that's the surprising part. The non-surprising part, Ryan Fitzpatrick divided the Quadratic Equation by the Pythagorean Theorem and then multiplied it by Murphy's Law to figure out the velocity he needed to throw the ball for the winning touchdown. Its OK to hate Harvard and anyone that's ever gone there.

6. Cincinnati (1-1): After two weeks, the Bengals are tied for first in the AFC North, which is three places higher than where most people thought they would be.

NFC

1.  Green Bay Packer (2-0): If the Packers were in the NFC West, they would have already clinched a playoff berth... and its only been two weeks.

2. New Orleans (1-1): The Saints play the Houston Texans this week and here's an interesting stat for you: since entering the league in 2002, the Texans are 1-8 in week three. What we're trying to say here, is that basically, New Orleans has a bye this week.

3. Philadelphia (1-1): There were reports that Michael Vick was coughing up blood at halftime of Sunday's game against the Falcons. Now, no one here at INSIC has a medical degree, but we saw a squirrel coughing up blood once and it died the next day. So someone should probably keep an eye on Vick. 

Why isn't there an all-bird division in the NFL?
INSIC asks the tough questions.

4. San Francisco 49ers (1-1): Due to the general suckiness of the NFC West, a record of 5-11 is going to win it this season. This works out well for the 49ers because they only have four winnable games left on their schedule and no, one of them is not the Bengals.


5. Atlanta Falcons (1-1): If there was a bird division in the NFL (Falcons, Cardinals, Seahawks, Eagles), the Falcons would win it this year. Unfortunately for Atlanta, the NFL doesn't let 6-year-olds pick the divisions, so they're going to have to get past New Orleans if they want to win the NFC South.


6. Detroit Lions (2-0): As a city, Detroit really has nothing going for it. They have a high murder rate, no economy to speak of and nine out of every 10 people there are unemployed. Detroit's really like a combination of Cleveland and a state prison. These people need the Lions. Everyone cheer for the Lions.

Week 3 Picks

In week one, we threw a bunch of cats off of a tall building to make our picks. We went 10-6. Last week we used the slightly more animal friendly strategy of picking the team that sucks less. We went 14-2.

INSIC will be using the Toys R Us strategy for making picks this week.

This week, we're going the Jerome Simpson route. We're going to hot box a Toys 'R' Us bathroom and then ask the cop who eventually arrests us who he thinks is going to win. Got it. Good.

Week 2 Picks
Straight-up: 14-2
SU Overall: 24-8
Against the Spread: 9-7
ATS Overall: 19-13
Exact Week 2 Picks: 1 (We picked Atlanta over Philly 35-31, Atlanta beat Philly 35-31).
Exact Picks Overall: 2

Week 3 Picks
Cincinnati 24-20 over San Francisco
Philadelphia 31-24 over N.Y. Giants
New Orleans 38-31 over Houston
Carolina 27-17 over Jacksonville
New England 38-34 over Buffalo
Cleveland 24-17 over Miami
Tennessee 27-20 over Denver
Detroit 31-20 over Minnesota
Baltimore 35-24 over St. Louis
N.Y. Jets 24-13 over Oakland
San Diego 34-17 over Kansas City
Seattle 20-17 over Arizona
Atlanta 34-28 over Tampa Bay
Pittsburgh 31-13 over Indianapolis
Chicago 24-20 over Green Bay
Dallas 28-20 over Washington

NFL Week 2 Bengals-Broncos: INSIC Makes a Pick and Puts Out a Power Ranking

F Brandon Stokley Photo by the Cincinnati Enquirer

Hottest twins ever?

Every Friday for the rest of the NFL season, we're going to post INSIC's quick picks and power rankings. Unless of course Nick at Night starts showing reruns of Sister, Sister on Fridays.

If that happens, this blog has no future because everyone here will dance around naked and eat pudding while watching the highly entertaining twin duo of Tia and Tamara Mowry. Tia and Tamara are the hottest twins of all-time not named Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Anyway, a few quick facts about the power rankings:

1. Because we're a Cincinnati blog, we'll be devising the rankings under the pretense that the Bengals are the best team in the NFL (which shouldn't be difficult because they are).

2. We'll only be ranking 12 teams.

Why only 12 you ask?

First Glen Rice, who's next?

A. because we're lazy and B. because that's how many teams make the playoffs. Teams number 13 thru 32 will have one thing in common on Jan. 2: they'll all be free to go try and have a one-night stand with Sarah Palin because their season will be over.

3. To clarify further, these rankings are basically playoff projections, so the 12 teams we rank will include six teams from the AFC and six teams from the NFC.

AFC

1. New England (1-0): If Carson Palmer threw for 517 yards in a game and Ochocinco only had 14 of them, Chad would have gone to the Paul Brown Stadium parking lot and set Carson's car on fire. Ocho didn't do this to Brady, which means one of two things: Ocho didn't have any matches or he respects Brady...

2. Baltimore (1-0): No, the Ravens didn't take the Steelers into a Milledgeville, Georgia bar bathroom, but they definitely took advantage of them.

3. San Diego (1-0): Charger kicker Nate Kaeding tore his ACL on the opening kickoff Sunday. The only injury we can think of that's worse: your hair catching on fire while you try and blow out your birthday candles... and the hair we're talking about isn't on your head.

4. Houston (1-0): Beating the Colts without Peyton Manning is like having hot sex with a Kardashian... Rob Kardashian. Its nothing to brag about, as a matter of fact, you probably shouldn't tell anyone.

5. Buffalo (1-0): Bills quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard, which means for fun, he likes to do calculus, herd cats and learn foreign languages.

6. Cincinnati (1-0): Mike Brown's diabolical plan of being mediocre for 20 years and then waiting until 2011 to surprise attack every team in the NFL is starting to take shape.

NFC

Are you a Packers fan? If so, this could be you every Sunday.

1. Green Bay (1-0): If you're an alcoholic and you're a Packers fan, here's an easy game to play this season: take a shot every time Green Bay scores.

2. Philadelphia (1-0): The Eagles beat the Rams Sunday, but their strategy of injuring the other team's three best players probably isn't going to work every week (They injured Sam Bradford, Steven Jackson and Danny Amendola). Andy Reid better think of something new for Sunday night's game with Atlanta.

3. New Orleans (0-1): The Saints might be the best 0-1 team in NFL history. However, going forward, Sean Payton may want to let Drew Brees' mole make all goal line calls.

4. San Francisco (1-0): The 49ers are shaping up to be the date rape drug of the NFL this season, just when you think they have no chance to win/get laid, you wake up six hours/four months later and wonder how they won the division/got you in bed.

5. Chicago (1-0): The Bears had the most impressive win in the NFL Sunday, which is amazing because outside the National Geographic channel, the words 'Bears' and 'impressive' are never used in the same sentence.

6. Atlanta (0-1): Instead of writing anything about the Falcons, we're just going to show you this commercial because its funny and if you're a Falcons fan, you didn't have anything to laugh about last Sunday:



WEEK 2 PICKS

How many cute kittens died so that we could make our  week 

one picks?

To make our week one picks, we threw 16 cats off a 12-story roof, if they lived, we picked the home team, if they didn't, we picked the away team. Unfortunately, we picked the away team a few times, which means not all the cats lived, but don't fret: Sprinkes, Ted and Tiny Nick didn't die in vain, we went 3-0 in those picks.

However, due to complaints by the police, the SPCA and our neighbors who are looking for their missing cats, we decided to change strategies this week. We're just going to pick the team that doesn't suck.

Week 1 Picks:
Straight-up: 10-6
SU Overall: 10-6
Against the Spread: 10-6
ATS Overall: 10-6
Exact picks: 1 (We picked Detroit 27-20 over Tampa, Detroit beat Tampa 27-20)

Week 2 picks:
Cincinnati 20-17 over Denver
Detriot 34-17 over Kansas City
Buffalo 31-20 over Oakland
Tampa Bay 20-13 over Minnesota
New Orleans 34-31 over Chicago
Baltimore 27-17 over Tennessee
Cleveland 24-17 over Indianapolis
Jets 30-13 over Jacksonville
Pittsburgh 34-10 over Seattle
Washington 27-13 over Arizona
Green Bay 35-21 over Carolina
Dallas 24-20 over San Francisco
New England 31-27 over San Diego
Houston 27-20 over Miami
Atlanta 35-31 over Philadelphia
Giants 28-20 over St. Louis

The Official Bengals Skewed NFL Week 3 Power Rankings (Top 15)

If there is one thing we love to do here at Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati, its this: create an NFL power rankings that only takes into account how awesome the Bengals are.

As most Cincinnati fans know, the Bengals have slowly been creeping up on the NFL for the last 18 seasons. Its been the world's longest and most cleverly planned sneak attack.

Most Bengals fans like to call Mike Brown stupid, here at INSIC we prefer incredibly intelligent.

For the last 18 years, Brown has successfully made every NFL franchise believe that the Bengals are the French Army of the NFL, horribly organized and a threat to no one.

However, after two decades, Brown's plan is just beginning to take shape. What is that plan you ask?

Obviously it's that the Bengals are going to sneak up on every team they play this season, beat them to a pulp and then win the division. There is no other word to describe this except for brilliant.

Everyone at INSIC agrees that Brown only has one intellectual equivalent: MacGyver. Unfortunately, five minutes before we wrote this, we found out that MacGyver is a fictional character, which by default, makes Brown the smartest man on earth.

Anyway, here is the Bengals Skewed Week 3 Power Rankings:

1. Denver Broncos (2-0): You can't argue this one. Any team that beats the Bengals has to be number one. Yes, this means we had 11 teams tied at number one after last season was over. Don't ask where we had the Eagles after the tie.

2. Cincinnati Bengals (1-1): Bill Simmons is never wrong. Bill Simmons picked the Packers to win the Super Bowl. The Bengals beat the Packers, so right now, using basic elementary syllogism, we can ascertain that the Bengals are now Simmons' pick to win the Super Bowl. (Sorry for using ascertain and syllogism in the same sentence, Daniel Webster wrote the first eight paragraphs of this post).

3. Indianapolis Colts (2-0): Peyton Manning spent more time in the post game shower Monday night than his offense did with the football (14:53). If you can hold the pigskin for under 15 minutes and still win an NFL football game, your team should not only win the game, they should get free Waffle House for life...

4. Atlanta Falcons (2-0): Matt Ryan hooked up with Tony Gonzalez Sunday more times than he hooked up with his girlfriend all of last week.

5. New York Giants (2-0): Every time Eli Manning orchestrates anything resembling a comeback, everyone in the country thinks it's a fluke. That's how we know Sunday night was a fluke.

6. San Francisco 49ers (2-0): The NFC West is like a giant game of Twister being played by four blind people, three of whom are on crutches. Lucky for the 49ers, they're the team not on crutches this year.

7. New Orleans Saints (2-0): Here's the most interesting question to come out of week 3, who scored more last weekend, the Saints or Justin Timberlake?

8. New York Jets (2-0): Note to Mark Sanchez: Rookie quarterbacks do not win Super Bowls. Yes, they get laid all the time, yes they get all the free maple syrup they want, but they don't win Super Bowls.

9. Minnesota Vikings (2-0): Old Man Favre is like Taco Bell. You hate it and you won't go near it until your drunk off 18 shots of tequila and it's the only thing open. Then and only then can you enjoy it.

10. Baltimore Ravens (2-0): Ravens fans, you're lucky you're this high. Sure ESPN has you number one, but they must be forgetting that you have to play the Bengals twice this season. That's two losses. Combine that with the surefire losses to Indianapolis, Minnesota, Pittsburgh (once) and New England and that puts you at 10-6, hope its good enough to make the playoffs.

11. Green Bay Packers (1-1): Green Bay should not be punished for losing to the eventual Super Bowl champs. That's like getting pissed at your grandpa for losing to Garry Kasparov in chess.

12. Chicago Bears (1-1): Beating the Steelers usually means a jump to number three, but everyone at INSIC hates Jay Cutler. If we had a choice between viewing a Cutler post game press conference or watching Spencer Pratt have sex with a dying panda bear in a truck stop shower, well... lets just hope we're never stuck with that choice.

13. San Diego Chargers (1-1): People being suffocated to death don't choke as much as this team. Will they ever win a big game against a good team? And no, that is not a rhetorical question, the answer is, "Not as long as Norv Turner is coach."

14. New England Patriots (1-1): Maybe if Tom Brady would stop impregnating his Supermodel wife, he could find some time to win a fricking football game.

15. Buffalo Bills (1-1): The Bills won't be ranked long, we're just already tired of Terrell Owens complaining about the Bills ranking in our blog.




31. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1): This is obvious, if anything, we are over ranking them. The Steelers are horrible. They lost to the Bears, the whole city is a flammable piece of trash and Hines Ward hates old people.

32. Cleveland Browns (0-2): As if the city of Cleveland doesn't have enough problems, they now have to deal with a completely inept football team that might somehow manage to lose more games than the Indians (As of this writing the Indians have 89 losses, so this might not seem mathematically possible, but its the Browns, so you never know.)