2012 NFL Wildcard Weekend Pressing Questions: Will the Bengals Win? If they do, Will the World Implode?

What do Kim and Kris have to do with the Bengals? We don't know either.

It's been 106.4 Kim Kardashian marriages since the Bengals last won a playoff game.

To comprehend how long that is, you'd need to know how long Kim Kardashian was married.

If you don't know how long Kim Kardashian was married, ask your wife. If she doesn't know, ask a  high school junior. If you don't know a high school junior, buy an US Weekly. If you can't afford an US Weekly, go to a New Jersey Nets game the next time they're in town and ask Kris Humphries. If the Nets aren't coming to your town, Google it.

But Google it last. I want to see everyone go through the above effort because we're getting lazy as a society.

Anyway, lets go straight to the picks.


Saturday


Cincinnati at Houston: Because Saturday's playoff game is being played indoors, the Bengals did the logical thing this week and practiced outdoors -- in 22 degree weather -- and their quarterback had the flu.

But lets not use logic to make this pick, lets use facts:

The Undefeated Factor

1. The Bengals are undefeated against Houston in playoff games. Sure, they've only played once. Sure it was in 1991 and sure Justin Bieber wasn't alive when it happened, but it still counts, whether Bieber was alive or not.

"Marty, two redheaded QB's on the same field: Great Scott."

The Redhead Factor

2. In Back to the Future II, Doc Brown theorized that if two red-headed quarterbacks were on the field at the same time in an NFL football game, the Space time-continuum would collapse on itself.

Texans 3rd string QB Jeff Garcia is a redhead, which means we're exactly two injured Houston quarterbacks from the end of the world. Somehow, I think this works in the Bengals favor.

The Non-Factor Factor Factor

3. If there are any mathematicians reading: can you confirm that the law of averages is a real law? Because if it is, then the Bengals have to win.

Their wide receiver is being investigated for having a marijuana farm delivered to his front door. Their starting running back spent the first two nights of the season in jail. They haven't won a playoff game in 7,659 days. If the law of averages exists, then something eventually has to go right, RIGHT? (And yes, this entire season went right, but lets not count that).

The INSIC quick pick: Bengals 23-20 over Houston. 


Detroit at New Orleans: I saw a kid in Target's parking lot last week smoking marijuana. He was also eating cheetos. He was also wearing a Saints hat. He also offered me a hit. So basically, yes, I'm picking the Saints based on the fandom of a high school kid in a Target parking lot who offered me a hit of marijuana.

Saints 41-31 over Detroit.


Sunday


Atlanta at New York Giants: I like the Falcons a lot. I really do. I lived in Atlanta for three years, I have a lot of homeless friends there and several friends with homes. Its a great city.

But lets be honest, watching the Falcons play outdoors is like going to Planned Parenthood on a Saturday morning and looking at the morning after pill line: there's panic on everybody's face.

In the last four years, the Falcons have played 41 indoor games and 23 outdoor games. The numbers suggest the Falcons should have more losses indoors because they've played more games, but the numbers are wrong. Atlanta is 12-11 outdoors and 31-10 indoors. Advantage: Giants.

Long story short, the morning after pill fails and the Falcons lose to the Giants 27-24.

Is there a Pope sex tape?

Pittsburgh at Denver: If you would've asked me in week 1 what was more likely to happen this season: Tim Tebow leading the Broncos to the playoffs or a sex tape being released of the Pope having a threesome with two of the Hanson brothers, I would've said, "there's no way Tebow's making the playoffs."

So here we are on Wildcard weekend and Tebow's in the playoffs  and thank God, there's no Pope sex tape, which is good, because really, no one wants to see any of the Hanson brothers naked.

If this game were being played on Saturday, I'd take the Broncos, but its being played on Sunday and as everyone knows, God rests on the sabbath, so Tebow's on his own. Steelers 17-10 over Denver. 


How much does INSIC know about football, here's an exact quote from our Bengals preview: With an early season schedule that's easier than a drunk Deena, the Bengals could top out at 9-7 this season.


Week 17
ATS: 10-6 
Straight up: 13-3


Final Regular Season Tally
ATS: 147-109
SU: 182-74

Who is Headed to South Florida for Super Bowl XLIV: Read INSIC's Picks to Find Out

This is going to be the shortest blog entry ever, mainly because our picks were so terrible last week that we almost had to fire Breech. Which really means he almost fired himself.

Last week: 1-3

Overall: 3-5**

** = If Shayne Graham and Nate Kaeding didn't choke worse than drowning victims, the actual record would read 5-3.

Sunday

3 p.m. N.Y. Jets at Colts: If this was a hot dog eating contest between Rex Ryan and Colts coach Jim Caldwell, Ryan would win by at least 38 hot dogs.

Unfortunately for New York, it's a real football game. What it comes down to is this, if you had to bet your house, your car and three of your children on this game, would you take the Human Taco or would you take Peyton Manning.

That's what I thought.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life in prison for gambling away your children, you're probably going to lay it all down on Mr. Mastercard commercial.

Prediction: Colts 20, Jets 17

6:40 p.m. Vikings at Saints: For those of you that don't know, Arizona quarterback Kurt Warner is God's number one fan, which is amazing if you consider that in the past three years, he has moved ahead of Jesus (the previous number one) and the Pope (who has now fallen to number three).

What's the point here?

If the man upstairs has no problem letting Warner suffer (and Warner did suffer last week), then he is going to have no problem letting a city that was washed away by a hurricane get rolled in the NFC Championship game. That is just the way God works, or at least the vengeful Old Testament God that I grew up learning about.

God also knows that every football fan alive hates Brett Favre, therefore he also knows that a Favre victory would bring humanity the most suffering. You probably see where I'm going with this.

Prediction: Vikings 34, Saints 24

NFL Divisional Playoffs: Who's Going to Suck More Than the Bengals This Week, Read Our Picks

If you want to read about the Bengals, read our mailbag from Monday. It's depressing, it will make you hate Shayne Graham.

However, as the Choctaw, Cherokee and Seminole did in the 1830's while walking the Trail of Tears, we must reluctantly move forward. (And yes, every so often we have to pander to our intelligent readers). Although we will admit that we don't have union soldiers following us threatening to kill us if we slow down, something the Indians had to deal with.

What are we moving forward to you ask, how about this week's picks.

Last week Breech went 2-2 with his picks. 3-1 would have been possible if Shayne Graham didn't turn into a red headed version of Ray Finkle.

Saturday
4: 30 p.m. Cardinals at Saints: There are only three people I hate picking against: Kurt Warner, God and Justin Bieber. In case you haven't heard of any of these people: Bieber is a 14-year-old singer that has already been laid more than Justin Timberlake, Pablo Escobar and Wilt Chamberlain combined. God is the entity that all Christians believe in and Kurt Warner is the quarterback for the Cardinals and God's number one fan. What does all of this mean? It means Bieber is getting laid tonight, Kurt Warner is going to church tomorrow and the Cardinals are going to win. Yes, you read that right, the Cardinals are going to win.

Sure, God has some sympathy for Drew Brees because the Saints QB has single-handedly rebuilt New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. But God is a Cardinals fan, he proved that last year.

Prediction: Cardinals 38, Saints 30

8:15 p.m. Ravens at Colts: The Ravens are seven point underdogs here. Do you want to know how many games the Ravens lost by seven or more points this season? TWO. Do you want to know how many points Indy won by when these two teams played in November? TWO. Even Justin Bieber knows this is not going to be a blowout. I really want to pick the Ravens, but the chances of two big underdogs winning on the same day are about the same as Wesley Snipes paying his taxes this year, it's just not going to happen.

Prediction: Colts 23, Ravens 20

Sunday
1 p.m. Cowboys at Vikings: I went to Minnesota this year, the crowd noise is overrated. I would bet $500 that Justin Bieber concerts are louder. I don't know how much Tony Romo sold his soul for and I don't want to know, but he's been unstoppable for the past month. Although I'm picking the Cowboys, I have to admit that I want the Vikings to win because we all know if they lose, the Brett Favre retirement rumors will start nine seconds after the game ends.

Prediction: Cowboys 31, Vikings 27

4:40 p.m. Jets at Chargers: Well, the human taco did it, he willed his team to round two of the NFL playoffs with a gutsy performance that involved him throwing exactly TWO passes over 11 yards. Great job Sanchez, you're awesome. By the way, please enjoy the picture of the Human Taco Mark Sanchez at the top of the page. The picture is courtesy of Taco Bell (I don't know if that's really Sanchez in the costume, but I'm going to pretend it is).

Now for the pick. First, I need to point out that this pick was easy to make because I only have one rule when I pick NFL playoff games: if a team beats the Bengals, I pick against them every week for two years. So I apologize in advance Jets fans, I can't pick you to win anything until 2012 and since the world is suppose to end then, lets just both agree not to hold any grudges.

Prediction: Chargers 27, Jets 20

NFL Wildcard Weekend: Call Your Bookie, Here Are INSIC's Playoff Picks

In case you haven't noticed, there are only two cool things to do this week: see Avatar and make NFL playoff picks. Here at INSIC, we haven't done either... until now that is. After we finish picking our playoff games, we're going to watch our illegally bootlegged version of James Cameron's movie about giant smurfs.



For our playoff picks, we bring in our secret weapon: John Breech. He never misses. If you check out the picture below (you might have to click on it), you'll see that he nailed 180 out 256 NFL games this year. ESPN pays their merry group of NFL morons millions of dollars to analyze games, not one of them out picked Breech. Hell, the dead nazi shark from Deadspin out picked half of ESPN's experts. One of James Cameron's giant smurfs probably could have out picked Mike Ditka.


Anyway, lets get to Breech's picks.


Saturday
4:30 p.m. Jets at Bengals: I would let Charles Manson plan my nephew's birthday party before I would let Mark Sanchez quarterback my team in a playoff game. Sanchez threw 20 interceptions this year. TWENTY. In case you skipped second grade and didn't learn about simple division, that's more than one interception a game.

Does anyone else think that Marvin Lewis' pregame speech Sunday went something like this: "OK guys, the starters are going to play so it looks like we're trying, but in fact, I don't want anyone to try at all. I will fine your ass at least $25,000 if I see any one of you putting forth any effort."

You did notice that there were no fines in Cincinnati this week.

Seriously, the Bengals played like they WANTED to play the Jets in the playoffs. That's the irony in this whole thing. For 60 minutes at the Meadowlands, Marvin Lewis stood on the sideline thinking, "holy ball sweat, they just put Brad Smith in the Wildcat, they're showing us everything they have. Zimmer, are you watching this? Next week we're going to treat their offense like a female praying mantis treats her mate after a night of hot sex."

Prediction: Bengals 20, Jets 13

8 p.m. Eagles at Cowboys: Unlike the Bengals, Philly had something to play for last week. If the Eagles had beaten the Cowboys, they would be sitting at home with a bye probably wondering why their city is such a piece of trash (like all NFL cities in Pennsylvania).

However, the Eagles lost and they lost bad. There are bongs in college apartments that don't get as many hits as the Cowboy D-line got on Donovan McNabb. That is a tough problem to fix in one week. However, it's probably worth pointing out that in the month of December, the Eagles went 4-0 and scored 34, 45, 27 and 30 points. That tells me one thing: they're not getting shutout Saturday night.

Prediction: Cowboys 24, Eagles 20


Sunday
1 p.m. Ravens at Patriots: Here's the problem for the Patriots, Wes Welker isn't playing. This would be like the doctor telling you two days before your honeymoon that one of your testicles needs to be surgically removed.

Am I saying that Wes Welker is just as important to Brady as your testicles are to you? I'm not sure, but I am saying that I'll take the Ravens.

Prediction: Ravens 20, Patriots 17

4:40 p.m. Packers at Cardinals: I hate picking Cardinals games. It's like trying to pick the winner of a Marco Polo game being played by four deaf kids and a blind child. There's no science involved.

Aaron Rodgers hasn't played a bad game since Halloween and Kurt Warner is streakier than a fourth graders underwear.

Prediction: Packers 33, Cardinals 27

NFL Wildcard Weekend: History On Bengals Side for Playoff Opener

By the time 10:30 p.m. rolled around Sunday night, most Bengals fans were stuck with three choices: overdose on Ambien and hope for death, watch Battlefield Earth (which is almost the same as overdosing on Ambien) or keep the game on.

We at INSIC gave this decision much consideration, but since we were out of Ambien, we decided to watch the rest of the game.

So what does Sunday's 37-0 loss to the Jets mean? Good question, glad you asked.

Since 1990, when the NFL expanded the playoffs to its current 12-team format, there have been nine occasions where two teams matched up in the final game of the season went on to meet again in the first round of the playoffs.

The good news for the Bengals: The team that loses the regular season game has a 5-4 record in the playoff game.

Even better, there have only been two teams since 1990 involved in the exact same scenario as the Bengals, that being, you go on the road to face an opponent in the regular season finale and then turn around and host that same opponent in the first round of the playoffs. So lets take a closer look at those two teams.

Regular Season

December 27, 1992: Buffalo at Houston

In the final week of the 1992 season, the Bills had everything to play for. With a win, they would clinch the AFC East and a first round bye in the playoffs. With a loss, they would be stuck playing Houston in the Wildcard game the following week.

For the Oilers it was simple: win and you're in (Sound familiar Jets fans). Even though they were playing to win and AFC East title, the Bills, playing all of their starters, came out and laid an egg. Quarterback Frank Reich threw for only 99 yards to go along with two interceptions. The Bills were down 20-3 at halftime.

Houston would clinch a playoff berth with a 27-3 win over Buffalo.

The Rematch in the Playoffs

January 3, 1993 Houston at Buffalo (The Famous Bills Comeback)

After treating the Bills like Charlie Sheen treats his ex-wives, the Oilers were cocky and confident going into the rematch. Even with Buffalo's starters playing, Houston had dominated the week before. The first 33 minutes of the playoff game looked to be the same as Houston jumped out to a 35-3 lead. Yes, you read that correctly, it was 35-3 in the third quarter.

So how is this good for Bengals fans, weren't the Bengals and Bills in the same position? Lets cue, Frank Reich, the Buffalo offense and the best comeback in NFL history. Over the next nine minutes, Reich throws four touchdown passes (three of them to Andre Reed) and combined with a 1-yard Kenneth Davis TD run, Buffalo actually took the lead in the fourth quarter. The game would go to overtime, but we wouldn't be telling this story if the Bills lost.

Bills kicker Steve Christie hits a 32-yard field goal in the extra period and Buffalo rides the unbelievable 41-38 win all the way to the Super Bowl.

Example Two

Regular Season

January 2, 2005 Indianapolis at Denver

For Denver it was simple: win and you're in (Sound familiar Jets fans). For the Colts it was also simple: do whatever the hell you want. The Colts knew that if they lost, they would definitely play Denver. They also knew that if they won, Denver would be eliminated and they would face a Jaguars team that had already beat them this season. (The Bengals knew if they won, they would play a Texans team that had already beaten them handily, when they were actually TRYING).

Lets make a long story short, Peyton Manning sat, all other starters played at least a half, but the Broncos qualified for the playoffs by beating the Colts 33-14.

The Rematch in the Playoffs

January 9, 2005, Denver at Indianapolis

In the first round of the playoffs the Broncos got an unhealthy dose of Peyton Manning. Everyone's favorite commercial star threw four touchdown passes and it was 35-3 Colts by halftime. After trashing Indy one week earlier, the Broncos all of the sudden looked like a blind kid trying to take a written version of the SAT, they had no answers as the Colts rolled to a 49-24 win.

So what does of all of this mean? Well, on one hand it means absolutely nothing.

However, on the other hand, we're merely pointing out that no team has ever won a playoff rematch on the road after winning the regular season game at home a week earlier.

For your reading pleasure, here are the results of all nine match-ups involving teams playing in consecutive weeks since 1990. Regular season game in orange, playoff game in black.

1991
Chiefs 27, Raiders 21
Chiefs 10, Raiders 6

1992
Oilers 27, Bills 3
Bills 41, Oilers 38 Overtime

1993 (Two Examples)
Lions 30, Packers 20
Packers 28, Lions 24

Raiders 33, Broncos 30 Overtime
Raiders 42, Broncos 24

1997
Patriots 14, Dolphins 12 Patriots 17, Dolphins 3

2000
Rams 26, Saints 21 Saints 31, Rams 28

2001 (Two Examples)
Jets 24, Raiders 22
Raiders 38, Jets 24

Eagles 17, Buccaneers 13
Eagles 31, Buccaneers 9

2004
Broncos 33, Colts 14 Colts 49, Broncos 24

Cincinnati Bengals Top 5 Playoff Games of the Decade

Here at INSIC, we decided we wanted to somehow commemorate the decade that was. Naturally, we wanted to do something huge, so we decided to put together the Bengals top five playoff games of the decade. Eight seconds after the idea left our mouths, our crack research team realized the list would be limited to one game and that people would only get sad reading about it.

Regardless, we're going to move forward with our list, so please enjoy or at the very least, do not cry.

Without further adieu, here are the Bengals top 5 playoff games of the decade which is in fact only one playoff game.

January 8, 2006, Cincinnati

The Steelers cheated. Carson Palmer tore his ACL and the Bengals lost. Hopefully next decade is better.
Result: Steelers 31, Bengals 16