Thanks to Suckiness of Jordan Palmer and J.T. O'Sullivan, Cowboys 10th Stringers Beat Bengals Seventh Stringers

If you're a Bengals fan, then we'll presume you watched at least the first 12 minutes of last night's Hall-of-Fame game between Dallas and Cincinnati. Actually, even you're not a Bengals fan, we'll assume you watched it because the game garnered the highest ratings in 6-years for an NFL preseason contest.

Now, if you turned the game off in the second quarter, no one can blame you. Watching J.T. O'Sullivan play quarterback is more painful than watching your dog die from feline AIDS that he contracted during unprotected sex with a stray cat.

Without looking at the box score, try and answer the following question:

Which number is higher?

A.) J.T. O'Sullivan's QB rating from last night

B.) The number of times Kevin Huber punted

C.) The length of Ron Jeremy's Dong

D.) Both B & C

If you guessed E -- J.T. O'Sullivan is the worst QB in the history of organized football -- then you are correct. We would have also accepted B, C and B & C. (O'Sullivan had a 7.0 QB rating, Huber punted 10 times and from what we've heard, Jeremy's dong is over 7 inches. Our senior pornography correspondent should have this verified by the end of the night)

With the O'Sullivan complaints now out of the way, its time to play our favorite game: "Who we liked, who we didn't like and who should be pooping their pants?"

Who We Liked

Jordan Shipley: He can catch passes and return punts (If you fell asleep at halftime, he set up the Bengals only touchdown with a 63-yard punt return in the fourth quarter), but more importantly, he has Laveranues Coles number. The sooner we forget about Coles the better. Coles left a sour taste in our mouths, you know, the same kind of taste that rancid 11-month old chocolate milk leaves when its mixed with expired baby food.

Geno Atkins: We're going to call this guy 'The Diet' until it catches on with Bengals fans everywhere (Get it, Atkins Diet. OK, punch us in the face. Its not funny or clever and it sounds like something Chris Berman would come up with). The Diet had four tackles and a sack that went for a big loss (Get it again, on a diet you lose pounds, this diet makes you lose yards. Fuck, OK, we'll stop now). Plus Geno disrupted the Cowboys offense in the same way a crying baby disrupts a cross-country flight.

Pac-Man Jones: Adam Jones looked more like Indiana Jones last night. Every time he was near the football, it looked like he was pretending the ball was the holy grail and the Cowboys were the Nazi's trying to steal it. Jones even impressively opened the game with a nice play on Cowboys No. 1 receiver/Nazi Miles Austin. He also looked quick on his kickoff returns, which is kind of surprising because back in February the Bengals didn't sign him because he had an Albert Haynesworth-esque 40 time.

Matt Jones: With the price of Colombian grade cocaine going up daily, Jones knows he has to make the team so he can afford the stuff, accordingly, he ended the game with 42 yards on three catches. Here are his plusses: Jones is almost 7 feet tall, thanks to Ocho and Owens, most teams probably won't even bother to cover him, which is good because he can catch. Oh and most importantly, he plays quarterback. A piece of lawn furniture would be an upgrade from O'Sullivan. Jones would make a nice backup or 3rd string QB. However, unless he averages 125 receiving yards a game during the preseason, he probably won't make the team. But it's nice to know he tried hard yesterday.

Chase Coffman is alive: Most people thought he was dead. Well he's not. He caught a 21-yard pass on a 4th-and-17 (By the way, with a kicking competition going on, Marvin passed on a 52-yard field goal to go for it on fourth-and-17. Good call coach. And yes, we are wondering if a kicker molested Marvin Lewis as a child because he seems to hate them a lot).

Punt Coverage Team: At least three Cowboy punt returners almost died last night. We're pretty sure it was Brandon Ghee and Gibril Wilson that made the bone crushing hits, feel free to correct us if we're wrong.

Who We Didn't Like

Any QB with a first name that starts with "J": O'Sullivan was dreadful. Watching him play was like watching Wesley Snipes act. You know they're really trying, but the bottom line is, they just don't have any talent. Jordan Palmer was a little bit more respectable. He led the Bengals on their only touchdown drive (ha ha ha ha, that's a joke, it was a 1-yard drive setup by Shipley's punt return.) He also completed two passes to Cowboys players and four to Bengals players. Generally, that is not a ratio that wins games in the NFL.

Brian Leonard: We just bought a Leonard jersey last week, if he's hurt, this will be the biggest waste of $230 since 1995 when we bought that Ki-Jana Carter jersey before the Bengals preseason game against the Lions.

Who Should be Pooping Their Pants

Quan Cosby: Cosby catches passes over the middle, he returns punts and he can generally play special teams. You know who else does all that: Jordan Shipley. Shipley is younger, cheaper and he plays the guitar better, as he proves in the picture below.

By the way, in case you're wondering, the horrible play of the Bengals first team offense didn't bother us one bit. It was their first time out and they played like it. Did you try 17 different positions the first time you had sex? No. The offense went missionary style. They didn't do anything fancy, they tried out a few plays, threw T.O. a couple balls and called it a night.

Cincinnati Bengals Fans Will Be Among First to Answer this Question: Can You Kill Someone With New Xbox Kinect?

If you're a normal human being, chances are, you don't follow the video game industry.

On the lowly scale of "people who are huge losers and probably have no friends": there are stamp collectors, male Twilight fans, bloggers (like us) and at the very bottom, there are video game bloggers.

If you know a video game blogger, they're probably not your friend, mainly because there day goes like this: six hours of Playstation 3, eight hours of Xbox, six hours of Wii, three hours and 52 minutes of sleep, eight minutes for eating and going to the bathroom. There's just not a lot of time in there for friends.

Anyway, the point here is that the Nintendo Wii outsells every other system. However, Microsoft is going to try and beat them this fall with something called the Kinect.

We don't want to call the people at Microsoft liars, but here's what they claim the Kinect can do:

1. They claim it can have sex with you.

2. They claim you won't have to go to church anymore because you'll just

be able to worship the system.

3. They claim it can launch surface-to-air-missiles at select Middle Eastern countries.

4. They say it can be played without a controller.

Three of the above claims are lies. To us, number three seems the most believable.

Since we don't know what to believe, lets let an actual video game blogger describe the system:

Microsoft’s big reveal at this year’s E3 was the Xbox 360 Kinect. It is a new peripheral for the 360 that allows players to interact with the console using their body as the controller. The Kinect is essentially a camera mounted on or near your T.V. and is able to detect the movement of the human body. Microsoft boasts that this control method will be the most intuitive way to take control of your games.

So what's the point of this whole post?

Before Kinect comes out in November, Microsoft has decided to force it on the country (like Ben Roethlisberger forcing himself on any underage girl at a bar) by taking the Kinect on a tour of a select few American cities.

August 4-8, the "Kinect the Country" tour will be in Canton for the Hall-of-Fame induction celebrations and the Bengals-Cowboys game.

So if you're a Bengals fan heading to Canton and you get to play the Kinect; please let us know which Middle Eastern Countries you bombed and what sexual position it likes best.

Cincinnati Bengals Get Shout Out on Entourage

97.3 percent of the time, the Bengals get no respect. Sunday night on HBO, their 2.7 percent of national respect finally came, thanks to Dallas owner Jerry Jones.

The Cowboys owner guest starred on the July 11 episode of Entourage and instead of making fun of his NFC East opponents, he sat back and watched as Ari Gold's assistant Lizzy made fun of the NFL's most pathetic franchise, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

If you don't waste your money on HBO (no one smart does), then you might be saying: INSIC, please set up the episode for us.

Well, all right, here we go.

In the Vincent Chase world of Entourage, Ari is trying to earn the TV rights for the NFL. He has to convince a few important owners (like Jones) before he can make this happen.

Anyway, let's stop prefacing, just watch this video: Jones smiles as Ari Gold's assistant makes fun of fictional Steelers employee Lee Gordon -- the Ben Roethlisberger loving, sexual assaualt approving, Pittsburgh executive in the room -- it was a sight to behold.

Entourage is our new favorite show.

NFL Wildcard Weekend: Call Your Bookie, Here Are INSIC's Playoff Picks

In case you haven't noticed, there are only two cool things to do this week: see Avatar and make NFL playoff picks. Here at INSIC, we haven't done either... until now that is. After we finish picking our playoff games, we're going to watch our illegally bootlegged version of James Cameron's movie about giant smurfs.



For our playoff picks, we bring in our secret weapon: John Breech. He never misses. If you check out the picture below (you might have to click on it), you'll see that he nailed 180 out 256 NFL games this year. ESPN pays their merry group of NFL morons millions of dollars to analyze games, not one of them out picked Breech. Hell, the dead nazi shark from Deadspin out picked half of ESPN's experts. One of James Cameron's giant smurfs probably could have out picked Mike Ditka.


Anyway, lets get to Breech's picks.


Saturday
4:30 p.m. Jets at Bengals: I would let Charles Manson plan my nephew's birthday party before I would let Mark Sanchez quarterback my team in a playoff game. Sanchez threw 20 interceptions this year. TWENTY. In case you skipped second grade and didn't learn about simple division, that's more than one interception a game.

Does anyone else think that Marvin Lewis' pregame speech Sunday went something like this: "OK guys, the starters are going to play so it looks like we're trying, but in fact, I don't want anyone to try at all. I will fine your ass at least $25,000 if I see any one of you putting forth any effort."

You did notice that there were no fines in Cincinnati this week.

Seriously, the Bengals played like they WANTED to play the Jets in the playoffs. That's the irony in this whole thing. For 60 minutes at the Meadowlands, Marvin Lewis stood on the sideline thinking, "holy ball sweat, they just put Brad Smith in the Wildcat, they're showing us everything they have. Zimmer, are you watching this? Next week we're going to treat their offense like a female praying mantis treats her mate after a night of hot sex."

Prediction: Bengals 20, Jets 13

8 p.m. Eagles at Cowboys: Unlike the Bengals, Philly had something to play for last week. If the Eagles had beaten the Cowboys, they would be sitting at home with a bye probably wondering why their city is such a piece of trash (like all NFL cities in Pennsylvania).

However, the Eagles lost and they lost bad. There are bongs in college apartments that don't get as many hits as the Cowboy D-line got on Donovan McNabb. That is a tough problem to fix in one week. However, it's probably worth pointing out that in the month of December, the Eagles went 4-0 and scored 34, 45, 27 and 30 points. That tells me one thing: they're not getting shutout Saturday night.

Prediction: Cowboys 24, Eagles 20


Sunday
1 p.m. Ravens at Patriots: Here's the problem for the Patriots, Wes Welker isn't playing. This would be like the doctor telling you two days before your honeymoon that one of your testicles needs to be surgically removed.

Am I saying that Wes Welker is just as important to Brady as your testicles are to you? I'm not sure, but I am saying that I'll take the Ravens.

Prediction: Ravens 20, Patriots 17

4:40 p.m. Packers at Cardinals: I hate picking Cardinals games. It's like trying to pick the winner of a Marco Polo game being played by four deaf kids and a blind child. There's no science involved.

Aaron Rodgers hasn't played a bad game since Halloween and Kurt Warner is streakier than a fourth graders underwear.

Prediction: Packers 33, Cardinals 27