NFL Divisional Playoffs: Who's Going to Suck More Than the Bengals This Week, Read Our Picks

If you want to read about the Bengals, read our mailbag from Monday. It's depressing, it will make you hate Shayne Graham.

However, as the Choctaw, Cherokee and Seminole did in the 1830's while walking the Trail of Tears, we must reluctantly move forward. (And yes, every so often we have to pander to our intelligent readers). Although we will admit that we don't have union soldiers following us threatening to kill us if we slow down, something the Indians had to deal with.

What are we moving forward to you ask, how about this week's picks.

Last week Breech went 2-2 with his picks. 3-1 would have been possible if Shayne Graham didn't turn into a red headed version of Ray Finkle.

Saturday
4: 30 p.m. Cardinals at Saints: There are only three people I hate picking against: Kurt Warner, God and Justin Bieber. In case you haven't heard of any of these people: Bieber is a 14-year-old singer that has already been laid more than Justin Timberlake, Pablo Escobar and Wilt Chamberlain combined. God is the entity that all Christians believe in and Kurt Warner is the quarterback for the Cardinals and God's number one fan. What does all of this mean? It means Bieber is getting laid tonight, Kurt Warner is going to church tomorrow and the Cardinals are going to win. Yes, you read that right, the Cardinals are going to win.

Sure, God has some sympathy for Drew Brees because the Saints QB has single-handedly rebuilt New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. But God is a Cardinals fan, he proved that last year.

Prediction: Cardinals 38, Saints 30

8:15 p.m. Ravens at Colts: The Ravens are seven point underdogs here. Do you want to know how many games the Ravens lost by seven or more points this season? TWO. Do you want to know how many points Indy won by when these two teams played in November? TWO. Even Justin Bieber knows this is not going to be a blowout. I really want to pick the Ravens, but the chances of two big underdogs winning on the same day are about the same as Wesley Snipes paying his taxes this year, it's just not going to happen.

Prediction: Colts 23, Ravens 20

Sunday
1 p.m. Cowboys at Vikings: I went to Minnesota this year, the crowd noise is overrated. I would bet $500 that Justin Bieber concerts are louder. I don't know how much Tony Romo sold his soul for and I don't want to know, but he's been unstoppable for the past month. Although I'm picking the Cowboys, I have to admit that I want the Vikings to win because we all know if they lose, the Brett Favre retirement rumors will start nine seconds after the game ends.

Prediction: Cowboys 31, Vikings 27

4:40 p.m. Jets at Chargers: Well, the human taco did it, he willed his team to round two of the NFL playoffs with a gutsy performance that involved him throwing exactly TWO passes over 11 yards. Great job Sanchez, you're awesome. By the way, please enjoy the picture of the Human Taco Mark Sanchez at the top of the page. The picture is courtesy of Taco Bell (I don't know if that's really Sanchez in the costume, but I'm going to pretend it is).

Now for the pick. First, I need to point out that this pick was easy to make because I only have one rule when I pick NFL playoff games: if a team beats the Bengals, I pick against them every week for two years. So I apologize in advance Jets fans, I can't pick you to win anything until 2012 and since the world is suppose to end then, lets just both agree not to hold any grudges.

Prediction: Chargers 27, Jets 20

Packers-Cardinals Officials Are Almost More Pathetic Than Shayne Graham

Hi, my name is Aaron Rodgers (or as most of you might know me as, the guy who told Favre to get the F#ck out of Green Bay).

I was the victim of an egregious face mask on the final play of yesterday's game. Somehow, all seven officials on the field managed to miss this. Arizona then took the ball from me and scored the winning touchdown in overtime. The first question is: why do I always look like I'm drunk? The second question: which official should I kill first?

INSIC SAYS: We picked the Packers to win by six. If the refs call the face mask above, the Packers win and we look like geniuses. We vow to help Aaron hunt down every official from the game (Although he'll have to pull the trigger because here at INSIC, we are anti-murder).

NFL Wildcard Weekend: Call Your Bookie, Here Are INSIC's Playoff Picks

In case you haven't noticed, there are only two cool things to do this week: see Avatar and make NFL playoff picks. Here at INSIC, we haven't done either... until now that is. After we finish picking our playoff games, we're going to watch our illegally bootlegged version of James Cameron's movie about giant smurfs.



For our playoff picks, we bring in our secret weapon: John Breech. He never misses. If you check out the picture below (you might have to click on it), you'll see that he nailed 180 out 256 NFL games this year. ESPN pays their merry group of NFL morons millions of dollars to analyze games, not one of them out picked Breech. Hell, the dead nazi shark from Deadspin out picked half of ESPN's experts. One of James Cameron's giant smurfs probably could have out picked Mike Ditka.


Anyway, lets get to Breech's picks.


Saturday
4:30 p.m. Jets at Bengals: I would let Charles Manson plan my nephew's birthday party before I would let Mark Sanchez quarterback my team in a playoff game. Sanchez threw 20 interceptions this year. TWENTY. In case you skipped second grade and didn't learn about simple division, that's more than one interception a game.

Does anyone else think that Marvin Lewis' pregame speech Sunday went something like this: "OK guys, the starters are going to play so it looks like we're trying, but in fact, I don't want anyone to try at all. I will fine your ass at least $25,000 if I see any one of you putting forth any effort."

You did notice that there were no fines in Cincinnati this week.

Seriously, the Bengals played like they WANTED to play the Jets in the playoffs. That's the irony in this whole thing. For 60 minutes at the Meadowlands, Marvin Lewis stood on the sideline thinking, "holy ball sweat, they just put Brad Smith in the Wildcat, they're showing us everything they have. Zimmer, are you watching this? Next week we're going to treat their offense like a female praying mantis treats her mate after a night of hot sex."

Prediction: Bengals 20, Jets 13

8 p.m. Eagles at Cowboys: Unlike the Bengals, Philly had something to play for last week. If the Eagles had beaten the Cowboys, they would be sitting at home with a bye probably wondering why their city is such a piece of trash (like all NFL cities in Pennsylvania).

However, the Eagles lost and they lost bad. There are bongs in college apartments that don't get as many hits as the Cowboy D-line got on Donovan McNabb. That is a tough problem to fix in one week. However, it's probably worth pointing out that in the month of December, the Eagles went 4-0 and scored 34, 45, 27 and 30 points. That tells me one thing: they're not getting shutout Saturday night.

Prediction: Cowboys 24, Eagles 20


Sunday
1 p.m. Ravens at Patriots: Here's the problem for the Patriots, Wes Welker isn't playing. This would be like the doctor telling you two days before your honeymoon that one of your testicles needs to be surgically removed.

Am I saying that Wes Welker is just as important to Brady as your testicles are to you? I'm not sure, but I am saying that I'll take the Ravens.

Prediction: Ravens 20, Patriots 17

4:40 p.m. Packers at Cardinals: I hate picking Cardinals games. It's like trying to pick the winner of a Marco Polo game being played by four deaf kids and a blind child. There's no science involved.

Aaron Rodgers hasn't played a bad game since Halloween and Kurt Warner is streakier than a fourth graders underwear.

Prediction: Packers 33, Cardinals 27

Super Bowl XLIII (The Greatest Ever?)

Seriously, five minutes after Super Bowl XLIII was over, I heard the word 'greatest' being tossed around like a midget in a kinky porn. Greatest catch ever (No), Greatest Super Bowl ever (No) and the Steelers may have the greatest D ever (Not even close).

Lets work right to left alphabetically speaking: First of all, this wasn't the Greatest Super Bowl ever, as everyone at SI.com seems to think, from Peter King to Don "My Super Bowl Snap Judgements Sucked" Banks.

The first three quarters of this game were so boring that I started watching old episodes of Full House (Usually I'm blacked out in a seedy Mexican hotel room if I'm watching Full House). Not once during my childhood did I ever find Uncle Joey entertaining, however, after watching the first three quarters of this game, I found him funnier then season one of Family Guy.

Anyway, while scouring the world wide web, I really only found two people who agree with me about this not being the Superest Super Bowl ever; Luke "My reasons make no sense, but my article is being linked here because I agree with Breech" Russert (I mean seriously Luke, this isn't baseball, you don't need a rivalry game to make for a big Super Bowl) and Mike "I somehow managed to mention Beverly Hills Cop III without being funny" Freeman.

Let me quote Mr. King on why Super Bowl XXIII (my personal favorite) wasn't the best:

Super Bowl XXIII had Joe Montana driving the 49ers 11 plays and 92 yards for the winning touchdown with 34 second left was a classic finish, but again, not a classic game.

Gee, Pete, just insert XLIII for XXIII and Warner or Roethlisberger for Montana and you just described Sunday's game. I will say that hands down, the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLIII was the wildest ride ever.

I spilled my popcorn, dropped a slice of pizza and choked on a piece of broccoli, all in a span of eight minutes. Just when I thought things couldn't get crazier, someone would safety someone, then when I thought the vaunted Steeler D would step up, they pull the defensive equivalent of a Scott Norwood, but instead of wide right, they went wide open, as in they just left the entire field wide open for Larry Fitzgerald and friends, handing the Cardinals a touchdown on a silk snuggie.

Then, just when I thought Ben had hit his career peak on the first drive of the game (because seriously, between that drive and the final drive, what in the name of Art Rooney did he do), he makes miraculous play after miraculous play looking like an experimental breeding of Randall Cunningham and Joe Montana gone horribly right.

Then what happens? "The Catch II," or the Immaculate reception II or what ever the hell you want to call it, but the way I see it, the only person luckier then Ben Roethlisberger today is Turtle from Entourage because he's nailing Jamie Lynn Sigler (Not just on the show, but in real life).

Ben himself said on Letterman the night after the game that he was lucky the ball wasn't picked. That's right people, on the most important play of the game, Ben might as well have been blindfolded because he just threw it up and crossed his fingers that he wasn't going to become the next Neil O'Donnell (Steelers fans, we know that name rings a bell).

Holmes for his part told the media after the game that he didn't even have to jump for the ball. I repeat, the man didn't jump, the catch itself wasn't impressive, it was the fact that he kept his toes in, but guess what, Holmes had no pressure on him, if he drops it, it's third down and at worst, the Steelers kick the Field Goal and go to OT. And who was covering him, three high school safeties, what the hell happened there?

Tyree's catch is number one, if you look at this picture, you'll still think he doesn't catch it, if I was a Patriots fan, I would have just thrown up looking at that link. And in the Bizarro world where Tyree doesn't catch this pass (on fourth down mind you), the Patriots go 19-0, Tom Brady is elected president, New York Minute is a good movie and Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline (wait that actually happened).

I'll let CBS's Gregg Doyel tell you why I'm wrong... Although if Doyel looks at the picture on his OWN page, he'll notice there is nothing special about Holmes' effort, he is sitting there waiting for the ball people, WAITING, if it gets tipped, great nice play by the Cards, if it doesn't, Holmes has to do nothing except catch it and keep his toes in and milk the MVP award for everything it's worth....

I really want to break down Harrison's interception, but that might take all day, kind of like the actual run back. I mean what the hell happened, did Boldin and Fitzgerald take a bathroom break before they began pursuit, those two can run 100 yards in the time it takes Harrison to go 30.

Holy Crap, I'm out of breath, but let's talk about the Steeler's defense. All you normal people out there probably know that slapping a woman is not a good idea. Well that's basically what the Steeler's did four times this season.

TWENTY FIVE PERCENT of their schedule was against the two worst offenses in football (Bengals and Browns). Look at the division, Fitzpatrick, Flacco and Anderson/Quinn; me, a chipmunk and the cast of Mean Girls could have fielded a top 10 defense against that slate. But it gets worse, nine of their 16 games were against teams with bottom 12 offenses. Wait can I go one step further please, I'm on a roll, what happened when the Steelers went against top 10 offenses, glad you asked; 2-2 in the regular season, 1-0 in the post season. Kurt Warner should be arrested for Statutory Rape because that's what the old man did to the young Steeler defense.

The goat of the game is Arizona Offensive coordinator Todd Haley, honestly, did he have a child before the game because he was on maternity leave the whole first half.

Haley, were you really trying to run the ball, everyone who has ever watched four seconds of football knows that the Kryptonite of the Steeler D is the spread. Line up four or five receivers and the Steelers look more confused then someone watching season 3 of Lost.

Alright, well, that's all for today, but be sure to tune in next week when I think of 10 more reasons why the Steelers piss me off and Cincinnati Fans, it goes without saying that watching the Steelers win the Super Bowl is like getting kicked in the nuts by someone with Down Syndrome, it's painful and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.