If You Love Incredibly Bad Movies, Then You're Going to Love: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

(Periodically, INSIC will review movies so that you don't get stuck wasting your hard-earned money on flicks like 'Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.' Since our Baby Mama review was an internet sensation, we decided it was time for another one. Remember, all movie reviews on It's Never Sunny In Cincinnati will be limited to a maximum of one paragraph. Note: this week we are previewing a movie that has blockbuster written all over it, and you'll be thanking us afterward)


This is INSIC's pick for picture of the week. The only thing that could have beaten it would have been a picture of a six-month-old human baby breast feeding from a starving polar bear, but we couldn't find one of those.

If the above picture doesn't make you want to see Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, we don't know what will. As everyone knows, nothing is cooler then sharks, except for super giant sharks.

If a shark eating the Golden Gate Bridge intrigues you, check out the trailer for this future Oscar winner here.

A review may follow, but its probably safe to say it won't.

John Breech Takes a Ridiculously Early Look at the AFC North

Here’s the cold hard truth football fans; the AFC North is the toughest division in football. If you need too, grab a glass of water and take a second to swallow that last statement.

After last year’s AFC Championship game was over, I had to ice both my knees, down a bottle of Advil and get a kidney removed… and I only watched the game. Who knows how Ray Lewis or Ben Roethlisberger felt afterward.

Year in and year out the North lays the proverbial smack down on the rest of the NFL. Just think about it. The Steelers defense has more hits then Pete Rose. Ray Lewis has been killing people (both on and off the field) for the better part of a decade. The Bengals offense has been virtually unstoppable (at least when Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t running it) and the Browns, well they’re like a cute three-legged puppy that you kind of hope someone will put to sleep.

As hard as it is to believe, there’s actually been parity in the division over the last five years. As a matter of fact, three different teams have won it since 2005. That makes trying to do a prediction almost impossible.

If I was writing about the AFC West, it would take me 23 words and two paragraphs. Chargers, Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders; there I’m already done.

For the last three years the West has been the football equivalent of Enron. It’s getting to the point where the winning team should just get a DVD player and season three of MacGyver instead of a playoff berth.

That being said, let’s stop making fun of the West and start looking at the 2009 AFC North. I’ll list the team, their predicted record and the percentage chance that they make the playoffs.

Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) 88 Percent

Last year the Steelers won the Super Bowl with the hardest schedule in football. This year they get to play the Lions. That’s like telling Chuck Liddell, “Hey Chuck, remember last year when we put you in a cage match with Anderson Silva and a 1,000 pound black bear and somehow you managed to pin both of them, tough I know, well this year we’re thinking about having you wrestle Screech Powers and a house cat.”

Trust me, the Steelers are laughing at their schedule and that’s mainly because it only contains six games against playoff teams, four of which are at home.

Besides stealing WR Shaun McDonald from the Lions, this will virtually be the same Super Bowl winning cast of characters that you saw last season.

Cincinnati Bengals (10-6) 61 percent

The Bengals offseason has been like a four-year-old’s birthday party. It’s as if they just sent out invitations to every free agent alive that said something like, “Ryan Fitzpatrick is no longer our quarterback, please come play for us.”

Apparently this ploy worked because Tank Johnson, J.T. O’Sullivan, Laveranues Coles and Roy Williams all showed up bearing gifts. Johnson brought the gift of being the baddest man alive. O’Sullivan isn’t exactly an upgrade at the backup quarterback position, considering he lost his starting job in San Francisco to Shaun Hill, which is actually pretty embarrassing when you think about it.

Lets put O’Sullivan’s San Francisco situation in perspective, that would be like your boss coming in your office and saying, “Mike, we’re firing you and not only are we firing you, but we’re replacing you with a chipmunk. Mainly it’s because he’s cheaper, but some of the higher ups actually do think he does a better job.”

Anyway, Coles is here to replace Housh and Roy Williams is here to show the defensive vets how to make a horse collar tackle without being flagged for it. This season has success written all over it. Anything less than eight wins means it’s time for Marvin Lewis to move on. Oh and by the way, if Carson Palmer gets injured the Bengals playoff percentage falls to (-3.1%)

Baltimore Ravens (8-8) 50 percent

The problem with the Ravens is that every time a new season starts they get one year older. Father time says this defense only has one or two more good years in them.

If you stay up late at night watching old episodes of M*A*S*H, then you know that Baltimore’s sideline was like last year. Ed Reed, Fabian Washington and Samari Rolle all spent time nursing injuries to some part of their body. You could also throw in CB Chris McAlister and LB Terrell Suggs. Actually, now that I think about it, it would probably save some space if I just named defensive people who didn’t get injured last year.

Offensively, it doesn’t look any better for Balitmore. NFL quarterbacks tend to struggle in their sophomore seasons for one reason; opposing defensive coordinators adjust to them. Joe Flacco should be the last person picked in every fantasy draft this year, he’s going to fail, trust me. He’ll be handing the ball off to Willis McGahee 40 times a game and when he does throw it, everyone in the front row should take cover. That’s right Ravens fans, you’re topping out at 8-8.

Cleveland Browns (6-10) 31 percent

The only thing that you need to know about the Browns is actually nothing. They signed WR’s Mike Furrey and David Patten which would have been good moves if Brady Quinn didn’t hit his prime his junior year at Notre Dame. The NFL obviously has some sick sadistic obsession with Cleveland because really, there is no other way to explain their two primetime games.

Let’s just put it this way, the Browns would be 3-13 material if the AFC North wasn’t matched up with the NFC North and AFC West. Browns fans, I’ll save you the suspense of the 2009 season and go ahead and tell you who you’re going to beat this year: Lions, Packers, Chiefs, Raiders, Broncos and the Ravens once. There that was easy. Oh and the Packers and Ravens predictions are both stretches, so lets say 4-12.

As the New England Patriots proved last year, double digit wins doesn’t always mean playoffs. However, I implore Bengals fans to buy playoff ticket vouchers now. Forget paying rent this month (sorry Preston); I’ll be snatching up about 17 of those bad boys. Ladies and Gentleman, you’re 2009 AFC North.

And for all of you Mike Brown haters out there, yes, I am still trying to create an illegal money laundering scheme that would keep Mr. Brown from making money on Bengals tickets. So far I've been unsuccessful, but I've been watching a lot of McGyver lately, so I should make some headway soon.

On the Clock: John Breech Breaks down the Bengals Draft

Alright people, because I'm in a good mood and because I feel bad that the Andy Kennedy court transcript (below) was longer than the bible, I'm going to go ahead and sum up the first five rounds of the Bengals 2009 draft for you; bad, good, good, good, good, we drafted a punter.

You're welcome.

First and foremost, I hate the Andre Smith pick, mostly because I hate Andre Smith. If the Bengals had the first pick in an imaginary draft that consisted of Andre Smith, Jesus and a meth addict, I would have wanted them to take the meth addict first (Jesus is undersized for the NFL, Andre Smith is less reliable).


For those of you who missed this year's Sugar Bowl (Utah vs. Alabama), you're in the same category as Andre because he missed it too. Wait, what? Bama's best tackle didn't play in his team's most important game, he must have had swine flu or something, right? Nope, he was suspended. Smith decided NFL money was more important then his Crimson Tide teammates. So he went out to dinner with an agent. Now I expect something like that out of Chris Henry, but not a number six overall pick in the NFL draft.

As my facebook profile clearly stated Saturday one hour before the draft started:

If the Bengals draft Andre Smith, please turn off your television and give up on the 2009 season.

Here's my problem, Smith is going to be protecting Carson Palmer, this is a bad thing. Ripped condoms give better protection then Andre Smith. He eats what he wants and has John Daly's workout habits. His weight fluctuates more than Oprah's, his college teammates didn't trust him and Alabama coach Nick Saban likes him. Usually when a coach likes you, its a good thing, unless that coach is Nick Saban. <--- If you don't follow football, everyone hates Saban, even LSU fans and he won them a National Championship. Oh and did I mention he left the NFL combine early because he was out of shape and then had a terrible pro day when scouts made their way to Tuscaloosa. On the other hand, there is an upside. If Smith actually tries, isn't lazy and cuts down on his trips to Taco Bell, he could be the best tackle the Bengals have ever had not named Anthony Munoz. Plus, at least we know he's cool, I mean the guy did announce he was going pro on Facebook. Alright, now its time to get to the part of the draft that should have given Bengal nation a collective orgasm. "With pick number 38 in the 2009 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select..." I got about 13 text messages leading up to the prior statement, most of them went something like this: If we don't take Ray Ray, I quit as a Bengals fan.

Ray's freak dance with ESPN's Erin Andrews alone would make this the best pick ever.

If we take Maualuga, we could take 4 punters, a kicker and a hairless cat with the rest of our picks and I would still be happy.

Then the Bengals did something they never do: the obvious thing. They drafted Maualuga. He is the Bengals Chuck Norris, this guy can do anything, fans are going to love him (unless he goes Odell on us) Over the next ten seasons, we're going to make up things about him like "Ray Maualuga eats steak for every single meal even though most of the time he forgets to kill the cow. " He has legend written all over him.

With the third pick, the Bengals took Michael Johnson from Georgia Tech. I live in Atlanta and I saw this freak of nature play twice this year. You want girls to be freaks in the bed, you want newly drafted third round picks to be freaks in the weight room. Johnson is exactly that, if Andre Smith spends 10 minutes working out with Johnson, he will either die of a heart attack or become the most ripped tackle in the NFL. If everyone on the team works out with Johnson, they can just go ahead and start sizing everyone for Super Bowl rings.

Then, we went Tight End, Center, Punter. I don't think any team in the history of the NFL draft has ever picked those three positions in a row.

I love the punter choice, even though it may have been a reach in the 5th round, but you can't hate on Kevin Huber mainly because he was born and raised in Cincinnati.

Oh and if you're reading this with your Kyle Larson jersey on, that thing is depreciating in value faster then AIG stock. Nothing says "we don't want you anymore" like signing a free agent punter and drafting a punter in a span of 40 days. I'll go ahead and add him to my list of people I won't be expecting at training camp.

This is the first time in six years that I didn't blow a kidney stone the day after the draft. The Bengals did something right <--- I love writing that, mainly because they only do something right about three times a decade.

Bengal's 2009 Draft Overall Grade: A- (A+ if Andre Smith isn't at Taco Bell right now)

Baby Mama Movie Review

(Since it is the one year anniversary of Baby Mama's release into theaters, John Breech decided to review the movie. All movie reviews on It's Never Sunny In Cincinnati will be limited to a maximum of one paragraph)

By John Breech/Staff

Baby Mama is the worst movie I have ever seen. I didn't laugh once. Schindler's List was funnier.

1 out of 7 Stars

Valentine's Day: A Single Guys Christmas

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “damn, this kid must have gone to the Chris Brown school of chivalry, because he’s crazy; Valentine’s Day is on the 14^th, not Christmas.”

Well, I beg to differ, for all of you guys out there who’ve had a chance to talk to a girl since you hit puberty, you probably know that the most wallowing, self-pitying, self-deprecating day of the year for a single girl is Valentine’s Day.

For some reason, on this day, it’s like all the single girls in the world are on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

Now you single guys out there (and guys in relationships I guess, I mean who am I to discriminate against anyone who wants to get some) need to take advantage of this opportunity that only comes along once a year.

Undoubtedly some tampon wearing single has mortified you with tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment, she probably let you know that her and her friends refer to the 14^th as “Single’s Awareness Day,” (Supposedly girls in the know refer to it by it’s acronym, SAD). Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they are basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, hell a throat lozenge, anything that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (However, if the porn she starts acting out is 2 girls, 1 cup, I recommend finding another female)

Girls are crying out for us to do something, anything, it is because of these fretful females that Valentine’s Day has become the Super Bowl of one night stands. I mean if chivalry is still alive, then we as a male species, need to step up and literally “do” our duty. (And by duty, I really mean “closest girl friend that is single.”)

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me, or are just bad with the ladies, well let me reassure you, you guys can hook up to. If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything. I once saw a guy get laid four minutes after he told some chick that he named his dog Jar Jar Binks, if this guy got laid, then you’re good.

Other lame lines to consider are: “let’s go back to my place and watch ‘The Notebook,’” or even my favorite, “excuse me, have you ever had sex with a waffle iron in a bathtub full of maple syrup…” , people I assure you these weak lines will work (However, don’t ever use “let’s go back to my place and watch an unedited video of my parents honeymoon,” this will probably get you slapped and quickly thrown out of any bar).

Just do not forget that getting a girl home on February 14^th is easier than bowling a 37 with bumpers on; an eight-year-old with lumpy skin virus could do it.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are awesome, you might get more ass tonight than Justin Timberlake gets in a week (Which from what I hear is a lot).

Seriously, it's a simple equation; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals happy men and unwanted pregnancies.

If you’re a male between 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and voted for Barack Obama, you’re as good as laid. If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and have never seen the movie “He’s just not that in to You,” you’ll go home with someone tonight and if you’re over 45, you don’t even have to try, just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you.

Men, you might as well be Tom Brady tonight, because this is the one night of the year where you and him have an equal shot of getting laid.

On a side note, all you November 14 babies out there (ahem, Jeff Binkowski, my nephew Simon), we know when you were conceived, which means your parents are probably celebrating by doing it right now, that's just gross, isn't it?

John Breech wrote this for Valentine's Day 2005, he has made yearly revisions since, and he would like to say hi to his mom.

Super Bowl XLIII (The Greatest Ever?)

Seriously, five minutes after Super Bowl XLIII was over, I heard the word 'greatest' being tossed around like a midget in a kinky porn. Greatest catch ever (No), Greatest Super Bowl ever (No) and the Steelers may have the greatest D ever (Not even close).

Lets work right to left alphabetically speaking: First of all, this wasn't the Greatest Super Bowl ever, as everyone at SI.com seems to think, from Peter King to Don "My Super Bowl Snap Judgements Sucked" Banks.

The first three quarters of this game were so boring that I started watching old episodes of Full House (Usually I'm blacked out in a seedy Mexican hotel room if I'm watching Full House). Not once during my childhood did I ever find Uncle Joey entertaining, however, after watching the first three quarters of this game, I found him funnier then season one of Family Guy.

Anyway, while scouring the world wide web, I really only found two people who agree with me about this not being the Superest Super Bowl ever; Luke "My reasons make no sense, but my article is being linked here because I agree with Breech" Russert (I mean seriously Luke, this isn't baseball, you don't need a rivalry game to make for a big Super Bowl) and Mike "I somehow managed to mention Beverly Hills Cop III without being funny" Freeman.

Let me quote Mr. King on why Super Bowl XXIII (my personal favorite) wasn't the best:

Super Bowl XXIII had Joe Montana driving the 49ers 11 plays and 92 yards for the winning touchdown with 34 second left was a classic finish, but again, not a classic game.

Gee, Pete, just insert XLIII for XXIII and Warner or Roethlisberger for Montana and you just described Sunday's game. I will say that hands down, the fourth quarter of Super Bowl XLIII was the wildest ride ever.

I spilled my popcorn, dropped a slice of pizza and choked on a piece of broccoli, all in a span of eight minutes. Just when I thought things couldn't get crazier, someone would safety someone, then when I thought the vaunted Steeler D would step up, they pull the defensive equivalent of a Scott Norwood, but instead of wide right, they went wide open, as in they just left the entire field wide open for Larry Fitzgerald and friends, handing the Cardinals a touchdown on a silk snuggie.

Then, just when I thought Ben had hit his career peak on the first drive of the game (because seriously, between that drive and the final drive, what in the name of Art Rooney did he do), he makes miraculous play after miraculous play looking like an experimental breeding of Randall Cunningham and Joe Montana gone horribly right.

Then what happens? "The Catch II," or the Immaculate reception II or what ever the hell you want to call it, but the way I see it, the only person luckier then Ben Roethlisberger today is Turtle from Entourage because he's nailing Jamie Lynn Sigler (Not just on the show, but in real life).

Ben himself said on Letterman the night after the game that he was lucky the ball wasn't picked. That's right people, on the most important play of the game, Ben might as well have been blindfolded because he just threw it up and crossed his fingers that he wasn't going to become the next Neil O'Donnell (Steelers fans, we know that name rings a bell).

Holmes for his part told the media after the game that he didn't even have to jump for the ball. I repeat, the man didn't jump, the catch itself wasn't impressive, it was the fact that he kept his toes in, but guess what, Holmes had no pressure on him, if he drops it, it's third down and at worst, the Steelers kick the Field Goal and go to OT. And who was covering him, three high school safeties, what the hell happened there?

Tyree's catch is number one, if you look at this picture, you'll still think he doesn't catch it, if I was a Patriots fan, I would have just thrown up looking at that link. And in the Bizarro world where Tyree doesn't catch this pass (on fourth down mind you), the Patriots go 19-0, Tom Brady is elected president, New York Minute is a good movie and Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline (wait that actually happened).

I'll let CBS's Gregg Doyel tell you why I'm wrong... Although if Doyel looks at the picture on his OWN page, he'll notice there is nothing special about Holmes' effort, he is sitting there waiting for the ball people, WAITING, if it gets tipped, great nice play by the Cards, if it doesn't, Holmes has to do nothing except catch it and keep his toes in and milk the MVP award for everything it's worth....

I really want to break down Harrison's interception, but that might take all day, kind of like the actual run back. I mean what the hell happened, did Boldin and Fitzgerald take a bathroom break before they began pursuit, those two can run 100 yards in the time it takes Harrison to go 30.

Holy Crap, I'm out of breath, but let's talk about the Steeler's defense. All you normal people out there probably know that slapping a woman is not a good idea. Well that's basically what the Steeler's did four times this season.

TWENTY FIVE PERCENT of their schedule was against the two worst offenses in football (Bengals and Browns). Look at the division, Fitzpatrick, Flacco and Anderson/Quinn; me, a chipmunk and the cast of Mean Girls could have fielded a top 10 defense against that slate. But it gets worse, nine of their 16 games were against teams with bottom 12 offenses. Wait can I go one step further please, I'm on a roll, what happened when the Steelers went against top 10 offenses, glad you asked; 2-2 in the regular season, 1-0 in the post season. Kurt Warner should be arrested for Statutory Rape because that's what the old man did to the young Steeler defense.

The goat of the game is Arizona Offensive coordinator Todd Haley, honestly, did he have a child before the game because he was on maternity leave the whole first half.

Haley, were you really trying to run the ball, everyone who has ever watched four seconds of football knows that the Kryptonite of the Steeler D is the spread. Line up four or five receivers and the Steelers look more confused then someone watching season 3 of Lost.

Alright, well, that's all for today, but be sure to tune in next week when I think of 10 more reasons why the Steelers piss me off and Cincinnati Fans, it goes without saying that watching the Steelers win the Super Bowl is like getting kicked in the nuts by someone with Down Syndrome, it's painful and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.