Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

By John Breech

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing meth hits with homeless people again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a box of slightly used condoms."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are staying in the same house and sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 – there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers and sex. And if you're real kinky, there's also chocolate flower sex -- anything can be done on the 14th.

Now why can it all be done on the 14th? 

Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound. Picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight stories involving a Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, an animal cracker will do; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup. In that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14^th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like a fatter, less attractive version of Peter Griffin, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.

Not being related to John Candy can get you

 laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in the salsa aisle at a nearby supermarket.

Examples of other famous dead/non-existent people you can say you're 'related' to are: A.C. Slater, Dennis Hopper, anyone from the Full House cast or even Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. That show is torture, I would rather contract feline AIDS from a feral cat than watch it.

Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know all the words to "Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO, you're as good as laid. 

If you know who Jacob from Twilight is, you're as good as
laid on Valentine's Day.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. 

Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's illegal B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.

John Breech would like to say hi to his mom. 

Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

By John Breech

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing coke lines with Charlie Sheen again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a box of slightly used condoms."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 – there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers and sex: drunk sex, sober sex, ear sex, chocolate flower sex -- it can all be done on the 14th.

Now why can it call be done on the 14th? Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, a throat lozenge; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup in that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14^th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like Mort Goldman, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.

Not being related to John Candy can get you
 laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in a Waffle House bathroom.

Examples of other famous people you can say you're 'related' to are: Hosni Mubarek, Dennis Hopper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. That show is torture, I would rather have feline AIDS than watch it.

Knowing two Lady Gaga songs is enough to get a
single guy laid on Valentine's Day. 

Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know the words to at least two Lady Gaga songs, you’re as good as laid.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's illegal B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.

John Breech would like to say hi to his mom. 

Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you’re probably thinking, “John, what the hell are you talking about, Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a Miley Cyrus CD."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: Family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. For single guys February 14th is the real Christmas: drunk sex, sober sex, ear sex -- it can all be done on the 14th.

For some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

Now you single guys out there (and guys in relationships I guess, I mean, who am I to discriminate against anyone who wants to get some) need to take advantage of this opportunity because like Arbor Day, it only comes along once a year.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment. She probably also let you know that her and her friends refer to the 14th as “Single’s Awareness Day,” (Really desperate girls refer to it by its acronym, SAD).

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco; Jesus H. Christ, just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Although, please keep in mind, if the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup, you might want to find someone else)

Because God loves men, over the last 10 years Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one night stands. If chivalry is still alive, then we as a male species, need to step up and literally “do” our duty. (And by duty, I really mean “closest girl friend that is single.”)

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like Mort Goldman, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too. If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything. I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this... ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy. HER: Oh my god, I want do him so bad. ME: Umm, he's dead. HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked. Four minutes later, we were doing it in a Waffle House bathroom.

Examples of other famous people you can say you're 'related' to are: Charlie Sheen, Dennis Hopper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

I implore every single guy reading this to remember one thing today: getting a girl home on February 14th is easier than bowling a 37 with bumpers on; an eight-year-old with lumpy skin virus could do it.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it tonight is if you get hit by a truck or a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say this is not probable.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and even more unwanted pregnancies.

Non college guys, don't get your hopes down.

If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and voted for Barack Obama, you’re as good as laid.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14 (ahem, Jeff Binkowski, my nephew Simon), you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. You know what that means -- your parents are probably celebrating by doing it right now. Wow that's gross.

John Breech wrote this for Valentine's Day 2005, he has made yearly revisions since, and he would like to say hi to his mom.

Valentine's Day: A Single Guys Christmas

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you’re probably saying to yourself, “damn, this kid must have gone to the Chris Brown school of chivalry, because he’s crazy; Valentine’s Day is on the 14^th, not Christmas.”

Well, I beg to differ, for all of you guys out there who’ve had a chance to talk to a girl since you hit puberty, you probably know that the most wallowing, self-pitying, self-deprecating day of the year for a single girl is Valentine’s Day.

For some reason, on this day, it’s like all the single girls in the world are on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

Now you single guys out there (and guys in relationships I guess, I mean who am I to discriminate against anyone who wants to get some) need to take advantage of this opportunity that only comes along once a year.

Undoubtedly some tampon wearing single has mortified you with tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment, she probably let you know that her and her friends refer to the 14^th as “Single’s Awareness Day,” (Supposedly girls in the know refer to it by it’s acronym, SAD). Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they are basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, hell a throat lozenge, anything that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (However, if the porn she starts acting out is 2 girls, 1 cup, I recommend finding another female)

Girls are crying out for us to do something, anything, it is because of these fretful females that Valentine’s Day has become the Super Bowl of one night stands. I mean if chivalry is still alive, then we as a male species, need to step up and literally “do” our duty. (And by duty, I really mean “closest girl friend that is single.”)

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me, or are just bad with the ladies, well let me reassure you, you guys can hook up to. If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything. I once saw a guy get laid four minutes after he told some chick that he named his dog Jar Jar Binks, if this guy got laid, then you’re good.

Other lame lines to consider are: “let’s go back to my place and watch ‘The Notebook,’” or even my favorite, “excuse me, have you ever had sex with a waffle iron in a bathtub full of maple syrup…” , people I assure you these weak lines will work (However, don’t ever use “let’s go back to my place and watch an unedited video of my parents honeymoon,” this will probably get you slapped and quickly thrown out of any bar).

Just do not forget that getting a girl home on February 14^th is easier than bowling a 37 with bumpers on; an eight-year-old with lumpy skin virus could do it.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are awesome, you might get more ass tonight than Justin Timberlake gets in a week (Which from what I hear is a lot).

Seriously, it's a simple equation; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals happy men and unwanted pregnancies.

If you’re a male between 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and voted for Barack Obama, you’re as good as laid. If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and have never seen the movie “He’s just not that in to You,” you’ll go home with someone tonight and if you’re over 45, you don’t even have to try, just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you.

Men, you might as well be Tom Brady tonight, because this is the one night of the year where you and him have an equal shot of getting laid.

On a side note, all you November 14 babies out there (ahem, Jeff Binkowski, my nephew Simon), we know when you were conceived, which means your parents are probably celebrating by doing it right now, that's just gross, isn't it?

John Breech wrote this for Valentine's Day 2005, he has made yearly revisions since, and he would like to say hi to his mom.