John Breech Takes a Ridiculously Early Look at the AFC North: 2010 Edition

This preview was going to be published next week, but since Peter King decided to rank the Bengals No. 23 in his power rankings, I decided it had to come out today.

TWENTY THREE? SERIOUSLY? There are only two ways to explain this, either King has decided that Shayne Graham is the best player in Cincinnati Bengals history (and therefore they will suck without him) or he has no clue what he's talking about.

I'll let you decide. And please keep in mind, King is the guy that has been reporting Brett Favre's retirement since 1998.

Anyway, lets get to this thing.

On May 11 of last year, I wrote my ridiculously early AFC North Prediction for 2009. Because most of you are too lazy to click the link, here's what I predicted:

Steelers 12-4

Bengals 10-6

Ravens 8-8

Browns 6-10

Now I'm not sure if it's because I'm stupid , but for some reason, I've made my email address available to the public via this blog. Why am I telling you this? Because eight minutes after writing last year's prediction, I got an email that went something like this (and I'm paraphrasing here): You're stupid, you suck, the Bengals suck, HAHAHAHAHA, I will impregnate a cat before the Bengals go 10-6.

Now, I haven't seen any human/cat cross breeds running around lately, so I'm going to assume that guy didn't live up to his word.

Also, I should point out that the guy who wrote that was a Steelers fan. Which shouldn't be shocking because if there is something Steelers players and fans like to do, it's to try and impregnate others without consent: cats, 20-year-old drunk college girls, Nevada hotel employees, whatever, its all the same to them.

Steelers fans, feel free to fill up my email inbox with hate this year because your team is going to suck more than the second weekend box office numbers for MacGruber.

Lets get to the predictions and remember, I'll list the team, their predicted record and the percentage chance of them making the playoffs in 2010. Oh and this is long, so you might want to grab some pretzels and a mixed drink (Ben Roethlisberger likes Cranberry and Patron).

Cleveland Browns (5-11) 12 Percent

I'm going to make two lists for you and I want you to tell me which one NFL defensive backs probably find more threatening:

List One

1. Jake Delhomme

2. Seneca Wallace

3. Brett Ratliff

List Two

1. Cute Kittens

2. Cuddly puppies

3. Bunny rabbits

For the record, rabbits scare a lot of people, including NFL DB's. No one on list one scares any one.

On a normal team (read: not the Browns) an NFL head coach would probably try and figure out which guy from list one should be his third string quarterback. Browns coach Eric Mangini has to pick a starter from that list.

Delhomme has like four wins in the last eight years, most people thought Seneca Wallace was playing Canadian football and I think Brett Ratliff was the name of my server last week at Applebee's.

So yes, without even talking about any of the other 10 offensive positions or the 11 defensive positions or special teams, Browns fans, I can tell you your season is over before it starts. Lets just all agree that the Browns are a couple players away from being a couple players away. And you can try and talk to me about Colt McCoy, but he dropped in the draft for a reason, that reason being: he sucks.

To the commissioners of the NBA, NFL and MLB: it has now been 46 years since a Cleveland championship, lets just agree that professional sports in the city of Cleveland is not working and is never going to work.

Since LeBron is going to Chicago, here's what you need to do: Move the Cavs to Seattle, move the Browns to Los Angeles and send the Indians to Oklahoma. Oh, wait the U.S government already sent the Indians to Oklahoma in the 1800's and thousands of them died, that probably won't go over to well with people who like to protest things. Alright, move the Indians to Vermont.

Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8) 50 Percent

Here's what the Steelers have done in the seasons following a Ben Roethlisberger offseason fuck-up: NOTHING.

That's right, like the pythagorean theorem, the formula here is simple: Roethlisberger does something stupid [pick one: gets in a motorcycle accident, gets accused of rape, gets accused of rape again] and the Steelers react by absolutely sucking the next season. (Actually, they went 8-8 and 9-7, which isn't quite Cleveland level sucking).

(INSIC asks, "Are you as cool as Ben Roethlisberger?" Here's how you play: just look at yourself in the mirror, then look at this picture of Ben on his motorcycle and decide, it's that easy and chances are, unless you take pictures like this of yourself, you will be cooler then Ben Roethlisberger).

I'm sure there are Steelers fans out there thinking, "Ben's dumb ass has nothing to do with our sucking in 2006 and 2009, that was a Super Bowl hangover." Well, we'll find out who's right this year, won't we Steeler's fans, if Pittsburgh makes the playoffs, you're right. If they don't, I'm right. However, considering the general stupidity of all Steelers fans, we can conclude right now that I will be right.

Anyway, Pittsburgh does have other problems, like this one: they HAVE to go 2-2 during Ben's four game suspension. If they go 1-3 or 0-4, their chances of getting to the playoffs will be about the same chances the Times Square bomber had of getting out of the country: ZERO.

On the other hand, if they go 3-1 or 4-0, they'll have a problem that no is really talking about now: its called a quarterback controversy. If there was a popularity contest in Pittsburgh, Ben Roethlisberger would finish dead last, probably behind the Times Square bomber that couldn't get out of the country. (By the way, if I ever bomb Times Square, the last place you'll find me at is an airport. NO, they're not going to look for you there, what an idiot, I hope he dies).

Now if Dennis Dixon or Byron Leftwich comes in and runs the table to start the season, reinserting Mr. Roethlisberger won't be as easy as you think. If you don't believe me, just ask anyone in the Rooney family, you know them, they own the Steelers, they think Ben is an idiot. Anyway, the Rooney's are absolutely praying this happens, they've been looking to run Ben out of town and if Pittsburgh can win without Roethlisberger, that means he's expendable.

AFC North fans would love to see Ben go too. Consider the Steelers alternatives: Leftwich is good for five games a season, he would go 3-9 down the stretch. Dixon runs around too often, he would have two broken clavicles by midseason.

Oh and did I mention that they're also going to have to replace Santonio Holmes and his 1,248 receiving yards and five touchdowns. That should be easy. And don't give me this "Limas Sweed" crap, no one named Limas has ever been good at anything...ever.

Cincinnati Bengals (10-6) 65 percent

Alright Bengals fans, there's good news and there's bad news.

The good news: the Bengals made it to the playoffs last year.

The bad news: the Bengals haven't made it to the playoffs in consecutive years since the 1981-82 seasons. Even worse, 1982 was a strike year where 16 of the league's 28 teams made the postseason. The playoffs were so watered down in 1982 that the Browns made it in with a 4-5 record. The odds of getting into the playoffs with a losing record are about the same as Ben Roethlisberger getting drunk at a bar and not raping a girl, they're incredibly low.

Back to the Bengals. This preview is going to focus on one man and one man only: Carson Palmer.

Apparently, the trendy thing to do in the national media is call Carson's manhood into question. Peter King (CNNSI), Jason Cole (Yahoo!), Paul Daugherty (Cincinnati Enquirer), Jason LaConfora (NFL Network) and 90,000 other sports writers who all seem to write about the same thing have decided that Carson Palmer sucks and that his career peaked in 2005.

Everyone is also saying that the 2010 season rides on Carson Palmer, well no shit, every season rides on Carson Palmer, look at what happened in 2008 when he didn't play. Actually just think about last year.

If you take Carson off of last year's Bengals, the team loses the Packers game, the first Steelers game, the first Browns game and the first

Ravens game. I don't even need to go on because that would have put the Bengals at 0-5 and there would have only been 17 people in attendance to watch the Texans game. And seriously, don't try and tell me J.T. O'Sullivan would have won any of those games.

The sports writers say Carson choked down the stretch, I say WHERE? The only truly bad game he had was the Minnesota game. The losses to the Chargers and Raiders were caused by the same thing: fourth quarter fumbles that cost the team the game.

So with all of this negative talk about Palmer, it must have been the worst year of his career, right?

Nope. In 2009, he threw for 3,094 yards. Worst ever? Not quite, in 2004, he only threw for 2,897.

In 2009, he threw 13 interceptions (including one against the Jets in 37-0 game where no one cared). Must have been his most interceptions ever, right? Nope, that came in 2007 when he threw TWENTY. If there was a season to bitch about Palmer it was following the 2007 season. The Bengals had a losing record for the first time in Marvin Lewis' tenure and Carson threw 20 INT's.

The only number where Carson hit his career low was completion percentage, he only completed 60.5 percent of his passes.

But the reason for that is simple: I'm faster than Laveranues Coles. Andre Caldwell didn't quite understand that the final drive of the fourth quarter isn't the only time you're supposed to get open. Our left guards catch passes better than our tight ends and Ochocinco had to deal with double and sometimes triple teams all year.

Who the crap was Carson Palmer suppose to throw to? Himself?

The Bengals are the best team in this division. The only reason I'm not picking them to go 12-4 is because their schedule is deadlier than Donte Stallworth behind the wheel of a car. Zing. And that cheap shot takes us right into the Ravens prediction.

Baltimore Ravens (10-6) 78 percent

Bengals owner Mike Brown has been a part of some questionsable signings during his reign, but there's one thing he's never done: employed a player that has killed another human being. Art Modell is now on the short list of owners who employ killers.

God must love the Ravens because this actually works in their favor.

If history is any indication, the Ravens should now be the front runners to win the Super Bowl.

The last time someone convicted of DUI-manslaughter played in the NFL was 1999. Leonard Little returned to the Rams for the 1999 season and of course, St. Louis went on to win the Super Bowl. For those of you that believe in karma, Leonard Little says EFF-you, look what I did: killed someone, won a Super Bowl ring.

So the Ravens signed Mr. Manslaughter, Donte Stallworth (pictured right, going to court) and they added Anquan Boldin. They also have Derrick Mason and Mark Clayton in the receiving corp. Oh and they have Todd Heap (TE), Willis McGahee (RB), Ray Rice (RB) and La'Ron McClain (RB).

I love all of these weapons, but I don't trust Joe Flacco. There's just something about him that says, "I'm never going to win a Super Bowl or any important game where the team needs me to play exceptionally well to win the game." Don't get me wrong, Flacco is good, but he doesn't have that killer extinct. I bet he's a vegetarian or he has a pet guinea pig, I'm not sure, I just know there is something wimpy going on in his life.

And Ravens fans, don't get me started on your defense. Their average age is 51, my grandpa could get open on your secondary. Plus, we all know that the first thing the Ravens D does after games is log onto WebMD to diagnose each of the injuries they suffered. They're a shell of their former selves. And not like a strong Ninja turtle shell, but more like a brittle hard taco shell that breaks as soon as you touch it.

COMING TOMORROW: The first place Reds are in Atlanta and so is John Breech. This can only mean one thing: tomorrow you will get an incoherent mish-mash of words that Breech will pass off as a diary. Here is last year's.

Cleveland Browns Shaun Rogers (The Guy that was Almost a Bengal) Brings LOADED GUN into Airport

Bengals fans, you might remember Shaun Rogers. He was the guy that horse collared Carson Palmer (pictured above) right before halftime of the Browns-Bengals game last November. Roger's stupidity set up a 53-yard Shayne Graham field goal, the Bengals would only beat the Browns by nine points.

On Thursday, Rogers one upped himself in the stupidity department by bringing a LOADED GUN into Cleveland's Hopkins International airport. Homeland security wasn't exactly thrilled and Rogers was arrested.

Now for those of you that have never flown before, there are generally three things you do not want to bring to an airport:

1. Nine pound crack rocks

2. Dead infants

3. Loaded guns

All three of these things will usually get you arrested if airport security finds them.

For his part, Rogers says he didn't "knowingly take a firearm into the airport."

Even scarier, this guy could have been a Bengal. Back in 2008, the Lions and Bengals had a deal in place that would have sent Rogers to Cincinnati for third and fifth round picks. The league said "no can do" because of some iffy language in the trade agreement. (Although the Bengals should have said "no can do." If the Lions are trying to unload a player on you, that should raise at least nine red flags) Instead, Rogers went to the Browns where he has toiled away for the last two seasons.

Oh and one more note, even though airport security found Rogers' loaded gun in his hand bag, he is pleading not guilty to his carrying a concealed weapon charge.

Bengals-Browns: Newest Victory Video Proves That Browns Fans Are Lame and Should Never Date

Are Browns fans pathetic (yes)? Are Bengals fans awesome(yes)? Should a girl Bengals fan ever go on a blind date with a boy Cleveland Browns fan? INSIC's newest Bengals victory video says no.

By the way, a 4-year-old Browns fan filmed this and it appears the 4-year-old cropped out the head of our female Bengals fan.

Bengals Remaining Schedule Spells Playoffs In Four Different Languages

Five and a half months ago, the brilliant minds at INSIC (read: John Breech) put together this AFC North preview.

In case you're too lazy to click on it, John had the teams finishing like this:

Pittsburgh 12-4
Cincinnati 10-6
Baltimore 8-8
Cleveland 6-10, 4-12 (He predicted 6 wins, but then he couldn't find six wins on Cleveland's schedule, so a day later, he lowered the prediction to four).


Now that the Bengals are headed into the bye week, it's time to do two things: 1. pat John on the back for being so smart 2. Predict the rest of the schedule.

Before we look at the Bengals nine remaining games, we have some good news and we have some bad news.

The Good News: Marvin Lewis has a 15-9-1 career record in November.

The Bad News: Lewis is 1-4-1 coming off of a bye week. Although there is a silver lining to the bad news as the one win just happened to come in 2003 against... you guessed it... the same team the Bengals play coming off the bye this year, the Ravens.

So are the Bengals going to make the playoffs, do they have any shot at the Super Bowl, lets find out. (By the way, does the Super Bowl logo at right look orange black to anyone else, is this a good thing, can the Bengals just have the Lombardi Trophy now?)


November 8 and 15: Ravens and Steelers. These two games are lumped together for one reason, the Bengals are not going to lose both of them. Dustin Diamond will win an Academy Award for playing Screech Powers before the Bengals lose both of these games. This team is too good to lose two games in a row. Will they lose to the Steelers? Maybe. Will they lose to the Ravens? Possibly, but they will not lose to both of these teams. Record on November 16: 6-3.

November 22: Bengals at Raiders. The problem for the Raiders is that if Helen Keller were still alive and they signed her, she would be an upgrade at quarterback. Bengals improve to 7-3.

November 29: Browns at Bengals. If Browns coach Eric Mangini was a hostage negotiator, everyone would be dead in under three minutes. Bengals up their record to 8-3.

December 6: Lions at Bengals. Raise your hand if you know when the Lions last beat the Bengals. We'll give you a hint, Barry Sanders scored a touchdown and Beverly Hills 90210 was our favorite show on TV. If you guessed November 22, 1992, slap your self for knowing too much. Bengals claw their way to 9-3.

December 13: Bengals at Vikings. The blog will be live from this game. Brett Favre should be just injured enough by this time to be absolutely useless (just ask the 2008 Jets). Bengals hold All-Day Adrian Peterson to 68 yards and improve to 10-3.

December 20: Bengals at Chargers. Putting the Bengals on the west coast is like putting a mail bomb in Ted Kaczynski's hands and asking him not to blow anyone up. The Chargers are always desperate for a win by this point in the season. Bengals fall to 10-4.

December 27: Chiefs at Bengals. Larry Johnson is a fag. Well actually he called someone that and now he probably won't be playing football the rest of the season, but you have to admit, that's a pretty cool way he's wearing his hat in the picture below. Bengals win and improve to 11-4.

January 3: Bengals at Jets. It's the last regular season game ever at the Meadowlands. If the Bengals can't improve their playoff positioning and this game has no meaning, then they're going to lose. It's that simple. Lets drop them to 11-5.

Steelers are going to go 12-4 or 11-5, Ravens are going 9-7 or 8-8 and the Browns, who blow more than a 3-year-old playing with bubbles, will go 3-13.

Here's how John ended the blog back in May, so let's do it again:

I implore Bengals fans to buy playoff ticket vouchers now. Forget paying rent this month (sorry Preston); I’ll be snatching up about 17 of those bad boys. Ladies and Gentleman, you’re 2009 AFC North.

John Breech Takes a Ridiculously Early Look at the AFC North

Here’s the cold hard truth football fans; the AFC North is the toughest division in football. If you need too, grab a glass of water and take a second to swallow that last statement.

After last year’s AFC Championship game was over, I had to ice both my knees, down a bottle of Advil and get a kidney removed… and I only watched the game. Who knows how Ray Lewis or Ben Roethlisberger felt afterward.

Year in and year out the North lays the proverbial smack down on the rest of the NFL. Just think about it. The Steelers defense has more hits then Pete Rose. Ray Lewis has been killing people (both on and off the field) for the better part of a decade. The Bengals offense has been virtually unstoppable (at least when Ryan Fitzpatrick isn’t running it) and the Browns, well they’re like a cute three-legged puppy that you kind of hope someone will put to sleep.

As hard as it is to believe, there’s actually been parity in the division over the last five years. As a matter of fact, three different teams have won it since 2005. That makes trying to do a prediction almost impossible.

If I was writing about the AFC West, it would take me 23 words and two paragraphs. Chargers, Broncos, Chiefs, Raiders; there I’m already done.

For the last three years the West has been the football equivalent of Enron. It’s getting to the point where the winning team should just get a DVD player and season three of MacGyver instead of a playoff berth.

That being said, let’s stop making fun of the West and start looking at the 2009 AFC North. I’ll list the team, their predicted record and the percentage chance that they make the playoffs.

Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) 88 Percent

Last year the Steelers won the Super Bowl with the hardest schedule in football. This year they get to play the Lions. That’s like telling Chuck Liddell, “Hey Chuck, remember last year when we put you in a cage match with Anderson Silva and a 1,000 pound black bear and somehow you managed to pin both of them, tough I know, well this year we’re thinking about having you wrestle Screech Powers and a house cat.”

Trust me, the Steelers are laughing at their schedule and that’s mainly because it only contains six games against playoff teams, four of which are at home.

Besides stealing WR Shaun McDonald from the Lions, this will virtually be the same Super Bowl winning cast of characters that you saw last season.

Cincinnati Bengals (10-6) 61 percent

The Bengals offseason has been like a four-year-old’s birthday party. It’s as if they just sent out invitations to every free agent alive that said something like, “Ryan Fitzpatrick is no longer our quarterback, please come play for us.”

Apparently this ploy worked because Tank Johnson, J.T. O’Sullivan, Laveranues Coles and Roy Williams all showed up bearing gifts. Johnson brought the gift of being the baddest man alive. O’Sullivan isn’t exactly an upgrade at the backup quarterback position, considering he lost his starting job in San Francisco to Shaun Hill, which is actually pretty embarrassing when you think about it.

Lets put O’Sullivan’s San Francisco situation in perspective, that would be like your boss coming in your office and saying, “Mike, we’re firing you and not only are we firing you, but we’re replacing you with a chipmunk. Mainly it’s because he’s cheaper, but some of the higher ups actually do think he does a better job.”

Anyway, Coles is here to replace Housh and Roy Williams is here to show the defensive vets how to make a horse collar tackle without being flagged for it. This season has success written all over it. Anything less than eight wins means it’s time for Marvin Lewis to move on. Oh and by the way, if Carson Palmer gets injured the Bengals playoff percentage falls to (-3.1%)

Baltimore Ravens (8-8) 50 percent

The problem with the Ravens is that every time a new season starts they get one year older. Father time says this defense only has one or two more good years in them.

If you stay up late at night watching old episodes of M*A*S*H, then you know that Baltimore’s sideline was like last year. Ed Reed, Fabian Washington and Samari Rolle all spent time nursing injuries to some part of their body. You could also throw in CB Chris McAlister and LB Terrell Suggs. Actually, now that I think about it, it would probably save some space if I just named defensive people who didn’t get injured last year.

Offensively, it doesn’t look any better for Balitmore. NFL quarterbacks tend to struggle in their sophomore seasons for one reason; opposing defensive coordinators adjust to them. Joe Flacco should be the last person picked in every fantasy draft this year, he’s going to fail, trust me. He’ll be handing the ball off to Willis McGahee 40 times a game and when he does throw it, everyone in the front row should take cover. That’s right Ravens fans, you’re topping out at 8-8.

Cleveland Browns (6-10) 31 percent

The only thing that you need to know about the Browns is actually nothing. They signed WR’s Mike Furrey and David Patten which would have been good moves if Brady Quinn didn’t hit his prime his junior year at Notre Dame. The NFL obviously has some sick sadistic obsession with Cleveland because really, there is no other way to explain their two primetime games.

Let’s just put it this way, the Browns would be 3-13 material if the AFC North wasn’t matched up with the NFC North and AFC West. Browns fans, I’ll save you the suspense of the 2009 season and go ahead and tell you who you’re going to beat this year: Lions, Packers, Chiefs, Raiders, Broncos and the Ravens once. There that was easy. Oh and the Packers and Ravens predictions are both stretches, so lets say 4-12.

As the New England Patriots proved last year, double digit wins doesn’t always mean playoffs. However, I implore Bengals fans to buy playoff ticket vouchers now. Forget paying rent this month (sorry Preston); I’ll be snatching up about 17 of those bad boys. Ladies and Gentleman, you’re 2009 AFC North.

And for all of you Mike Brown haters out there, yes, I am still trying to create an illegal money laundering scheme that would keep Mr. Brown from making money on Bengals tickets. So far I've been unsuccessful, but I've been watching a lot of McGyver lately, so I should make some headway soon.