John Breech Takes a Ridiculously Early Look at the AFC North: 2010 Edition

This preview was going to be published next week, but since Peter King decided to rank the Bengals No. 23 in his power rankings, I decided it had to come out today.

TWENTY THREE? SERIOUSLY? There are only two ways to explain this, either King has decided that Shayne Graham is the best player in Cincinnati Bengals history (and therefore they will suck without him) or he has no clue what he's talking about.

I'll let you decide. And please keep in mind, King is the guy that has been reporting Brett Favre's retirement since 1998.

Anyway, lets get to this thing.

On May 11 of last year, I wrote my ridiculously early AFC North Prediction for 2009. Because most of you are too lazy to click the link, here's what I predicted:

Steelers 12-4

Bengals 10-6

Ravens 8-8

Browns 6-10

Now I'm not sure if it's because I'm stupid , but for some reason, I've made my email address available to the public via this blog. Why am I telling you this? Because eight minutes after writing last year's prediction, I got an email that went something like this (and I'm paraphrasing here): You're stupid, you suck, the Bengals suck, HAHAHAHAHA, I will impregnate a cat before the Bengals go 10-6.

Now, I haven't seen any human/cat cross breeds running around lately, so I'm going to assume that guy didn't live up to his word.

Also, I should point out that the guy who wrote that was a Steelers fan. Which shouldn't be shocking because if there is something Steelers players and fans like to do, it's to try and impregnate others without consent: cats, 20-year-old drunk college girls, Nevada hotel employees, whatever, its all the same to them.

Steelers fans, feel free to fill up my email inbox with hate this year because your team is going to suck more than the second weekend box office numbers for MacGruber.

Lets get to the predictions and remember, I'll list the team, their predicted record and the percentage chance of them making the playoffs in 2010. Oh and this is long, so you might want to grab some pretzels and a mixed drink (Ben Roethlisberger likes Cranberry and Patron).

Cleveland Browns (5-11) 12 Percent

I'm going to make two lists for you and I want you to tell me which one NFL defensive backs probably find more threatening:

List One

1. Jake Delhomme

2. Seneca Wallace

3. Brett Ratliff

List Two

1. Cute Kittens

2. Cuddly puppies

3. Bunny rabbits

For the record, rabbits scare a lot of people, including NFL DB's. No one on list one scares any one.

On a normal team (read: not the Browns) an NFL head coach would probably try and figure out which guy from list one should be his third string quarterback. Browns coach Eric Mangini has to pick a starter from that list.

Delhomme has like four wins in the last eight years, most people thought Seneca Wallace was playing Canadian football and I think Brett Ratliff was the name of my server last week at Applebee's.

So yes, without even talking about any of the other 10 offensive positions or the 11 defensive positions or special teams, Browns fans, I can tell you your season is over before it starts. Lets just all agree that the Browns are a couple players away from being a couple players away. And you can try and talk to me about Colt McCoy, but he dropped in the draft for a reason, that reason being: he sucks.

To the commissioners of the NBA, NFL and MLB: it has now been 46 years since a Cleveland championship, lets just agree that professional sports in the city of Cleveland is not working and is never going to work.

Since LeBron is going to Chicago, here's what you need to do: Move the Cavs to Seattle, move the Browns to Los Angeles and send the Indians to Oklahoma. Oh, wait the U.S government already sent the Indians to Oklahoma in the 1800's and thousands of them died, that probably won't go over to well with people who like to protest things. Alright, move the Indians to Vermont.

Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8) 50 Percent

Here's what the Steelers have done in the seasons following a Ben Roethlisberger offseason fuck-up: NOTHING.

That's right, like the pythagorean theorem, the formula here is simple: Roethlisberger does something stupid [pick one: gets in a motorcycle accident, gets accused of rape, gets accused of rape again] and the Steelers react by absolutely sucking the next season. (Actually, they went 8-8 and 9-7, which isn't quite Cleveland level sucking).

(INSIC asks, "Are you as cool as Ben Roethlisberger?" Here's how you play: just look at yourself in the mirror, then look at this picture of Ben on his motorcycle and decide, it's that easy and chances are, unless you take pictures like this of yourself, you will be cooler then Ben Roethlisberger).

I'm sure there are Steelers fans out there thinking, "Ben's dumb ass has nothing to do with our sucking in 2006 and 2009, that was a Super Bowl hangover." Well, we'll find out who's right this year, won't we Steeler's fans, if Pittsburgh makes the playoffs, you're right. If they don't, I'm right. However, considering the general stupidity of all Steelers fans, we can conclude right now that I will be right.

Anyway, Pittsburgh does have other problems, like this one: they HAVE to go 2-2 during Ben's four game suspension. If they go 1-3 or 0-4, their chances of getting to the playoffs will be about the same chances the Times Square bomber had of getting out of the country: ZERO.

On the other hand, if they go 3-1 or 4-0, they'll have a problem that no is really talking about now: its called a quarterback controversy. If there was a popularity contest in Pittsburgh, Ben Roethlisberger would finish dead last, probably behind the Times Square bomber that couldn't get out of the country. (By the way, if I ever bomb Times Square, the last place you'll find me at is an airport. NO, they're not going to look for you there, what an idiot, I hope he dies).

Now if Dennis Dixon or Byron Leftwich comes in and runs the table to start the season, reinserting Mr. Roethlisberger won't be as easy as you think. If you don't believe me, just ask anyone in the Rooney family, you know them, they own the Steelers, they think Ben is an idiot. Anyway, the Rooney's are absolutely praying this happens, they've been looking to run Ben out of town and if Pittsburgh can win without Roethlisberger, that means he's expendable.

AFC North fans would love to see Ben go too. Consider the Steelers alternatives: Leftwich is good for five games a season, he would go 3-9 down the stretch. Dixon runs around too often, he would have two broken clavicles by midseason.

Oh and did I mention that they're also going to have to replace Santonio Holmes and his 1,248 receiving yards and five touchdowns. That should be easy. And don't give me this "Limas Sweed" crap, no one named Limas has ever been good at anything...ever.

Cincinnati Bengals (10-6) 65 percent

Alright Bengals fans, there's good news and there's bad news.

The good news: the Bengals made it to the playoffs last year.

The bad news: the Bengals haven't made it to the playoffs in consecutive years since the 1981-82 seasons. Even worse, 1982 was a strike year where 16 of the league's 28 teams made the postseason. The playoffs were so watered down in 1982 that the Browns made it in with a 4-5 record. The odds of getting into the playoffs with a losing record are about the same as Ben Roethlisberger getting drunk at a bar and not raping a girl, they're incredibly low.

Back to the Bengals. This preview is going to focus on one man and one man only: Carson Palmer.

Apparently, the trendy thing to do in the national media is call Carson's manhood into question. Peter King (CNNSI), Jason Cole (Yahoo!), Paul Daugherty (Cincinnati Enquirer), Jason LaConfora (NFL Network) and 90,000 other sports writers who all seem to write about the same thing have decided that Carson Palmer sucks and that his career peaked in 2005.

Everyone is also saying that the 2010 season rides on Carson Palmer, well no shit, every season rides on Carson Palmer, look at what happened in 2008 when he didn't play. Actually just think about last year.

If you take Carson off of last year's Bengals, the team loses the Packers game, the first Steelers game, the first Browns game and the first

Ravens game. I don't even need to go on because that would have put the Bengals at 0-5 and there would have only been 17 people in attendance to watch the Texans game. And seriously, don't try and tell me J.T. O'Sullivan would have won any of those games.

The sports writers say Carson choked down the stretch, I say WHERE? The only truly bad game he had was the Minnesota game. The losses to the Chargers and Raiders were caused by the same thing: fourth quarter fumbles that cost the team the game.

So with all of this negative talk about Palmer, it must have been the worst year of his career, right?

Nope. In 2009, he threw for 3,094 yards. Worst ever? Not quite, in 2004, he only threw for 2,897.

In 2009, he threw 13 interceptions (including one against the Jets in 37-0 game where no one cared). Must have been his most interceptions ever, right? Nope, that came in 2007 when he threw TWENTY. If there was a season to bitch about Palmer it was following the 2007 season. The Bengals had a losing record for the first time in Marvin Lewis' tenure and Carson threw 20 INT's.

The only number where Carson hit his career low was completion percentage, he only completed 60.5 percent of his passes.

But the reason for that is simple: I'm faster than Laveranues Coles. Andre Caldwell didn't quite understand that the final drive of the fourth quarter isn't the only time you're supposed to get open. Our left guards catch passes better than our tight ends and Ochocinco had to deal with double and sometimes triple teams all year.

Who the crap was Carson Palmer suppose to throw to? Himself?

The Bengals are the best team in this division. The only reason I'm not picking them to go 12-4 is because their schedule is deadlier than Donte Stallworth behind the wheel of a car. Zing. And that cheap shot takes us right into the Ravens prediction.

Baltimore Ravens (10-6) 78 percent

Bengals owner Mike Brown has been a part of some questionsable signings during his reign, but there's one thing he's never done: employed a player that has killed another human being. Art Modell is now on the short list of owners who employ killers.

God must love the Ravens because this actually works in their favor.

If history is any indication, the Ravens should now be the front runners to win the Super Bowl.

The last time someone convicted of DUI-manslaughter played in the NFL was 1999. Leonard Little returned to the Rams for the 1999 season and of course, St. Louis went on to win the Super Bowl. For those of you that believe in karma, Leonard Little says EFF-you, look what I did: killed someone, won a Super Bowl ring.

So the Ravens signed Mr. Manslaughter, Donte Stallworth (pictured right, going to court) and they added Anquan Boldin. They also have Derrick Mason and Mark Clayton in the receiving corp. Oh and they have Todd Heap (TE), Willis McGahee (RB), Ray Rice (RB) and La'Ron McClain (RB).

I love all of these weapons, but I don't trust Joe Flacco. There's just something about him that says, "I'm never going to win a Super Bowl or any important game where the team needs me to play exceptionally well to win the game." Don't get me wrong, Flacco is good, but he doesn't have that killer extinct. I bet he's a vegetarian or he has a pet guinea pig, I'm not sure, I just know there is something wimpy going on in his life.

And Ravens fans, don't get me started on your defense. Their average age is 51, my grandpa could get open on your secondary. Plus, we all know that the first thing the Ravens D does after games is log onto WebMD to diagnose each of the injuries they suffered. They're a shell of their former selves. And not like a strong Ninja turtle shell, but more like a brittle hard taco shell that breaks as soon as you touch it.

COMING TOMORROW: The first place Reds are in Atlanta and so is John Breech. This can only mean one thing: tomorrow you will get an incoherent mish-mash of words that Breech will pass off as a diary. Here is last year's.

Bengals Remaining Schedule Spells Playoffs In Four Different Languages

Five and a half months ago, the brilliant minds at INSIC (read: John Breech) put together this AFC North preview.

In case you're too lazy to click on it, John had the teams finishing like this:

Pittsburgh 12-4
Cincinnati 10-6
Baltimore 8-8
Cleveland 6-10, 4-12 (He predicted 6 wins, but then he couldn't find six wins on Cleveland's schedule, so a day later, he lowered the prediction to four).


Now that the Bengals are headed into the bye week, it's time to do two things: 1. pat John on the back for being so smart 2. Predict the rest of the schedule.

Before we look at the Bengals nine remaining games, we have some good news and we have some bad news.

The Good News: Marvin Lewis has a 15-9-1 career record in November.

The Bad News: Lewis is 1-4-1 coming off of a bye week. Although there is a silver lining to the bad news as the one win just happened to come in 2003 against... you guessed it... the same team the Bengals play coming off the bye this year, the Ravens.

So are the Bengals going to make the playoffs, do they have any shot at the Super Bowl, lets find out. (By the way, does the Super Bowl logo at right look orange black to anyone else, is this a good thing, can the Bengals just have the Lombardi Trophy now?)


November 8 and 15: Ravens and Steelers. These two games are lumped together for one reason, the Bengals are not going to lose both of them. Dustin Diamond will win an Academy Award for playing Screech Powers before the Bengals lose both of these games. This team is too good to lose two games in a row. Will they lose to the Steelers? Maybe. Will they lose to the Ravens? Possibly, but they will not lose to both of these teams. Record on November 16: 6-3.

November 22: Bengals at Raiders. The problem for the Raiders is that if Helen Keller were still alive and they signed her, she would be an upgrade at quarterback. Bengals improve to 7-3.

November 29: Browns at Bengals. If Browns coach Eric Mangini was a hostage negotiator, everyone would be dead in under three minutes. Bengals up their record to 8-3.

December 6: Lions at Bengals. Raise your hand if you know when the Lions last beat the Bengals. We'll give you a hint, Barry Sanders scored a touchdown and Beverly Hills 90210 was our favorite show on TV. If you guessed November 22, 1992, slap your self for knowing too much. Bengals claw their way to 9-3.

December 13: Bengals at Vikings. The blog will be live from this game. Brett Favre should be just injured enough by this time to be absolutely useless (just ask the 2008 Jets). Bengals hold All-Day Adrian Peterson to 68 yards and improve to 10-3.

December 20: Bengals at Chargers. Putting the Bengals on the west coast is like putting a mail bomb in Ted Kaczynski's hands and asking him not to blow anyone up. The Chargers are always desperate for a win by this point in the season. Bengals fall to 10-4.

December 27: Chiefs at Bengals. Larry Johnson is a fag. Well actually he called someone that and now he probably won't be playing football the rest of the season, but you have to admit, that's a pretty cool way he's wearing his hat in the picture below. Bengals win and improve to 11-4.

January 3: Bengals at Jets. It's the last regular season game ever at the Meadowlands. If the Bengals can't improve their playoff positioning and this game has no meaning, then they're going to lose. It's that simple. Lets drop them to 11-5.

Steelers are going to go 12-4 or 11-5, Ravens are going 9-7 or 8-8 and the Browns, who blow more than a 3-year-old playing with bubbles, will go 3-13.

Here's how John ended the blog back in May, so let's do it again:

I implore Bengals fans to buy playoff ticket vouchers now. Forget paying rent this month (sorry Preston); I’ll be snatching up about 17 of those bad boys. Ladies and Gentleman, you’re 2009 AFC North.

WTF, We're In First Place: Bengals Knock Off Ravens, Sunday's Official Fan Diary

Montana-to-Rice, Manning-to-Harrison... Child Please.

Carson-to-Caldwell? All day.

For every Bengals fan that wasn't in Baltimore Sunday here's the official day long diary. It would have been up Monday, but 3,000 words is impossible to write on an airplane.

Characters in this story include me, Melissa (in the tiger skirt above), my friend Jeremy, my friend Justin, Justin's girlfriend (who up until Sunday only allegedly existed) and the 467 other Bengals fans in attendance:

10:23 p.m. Arrival in D.C.: We're staying at my buddy Jeremy's place. When I say Jeremy's my buddy, here's how I know him: He's my ex-girlfriend's little sister's ex-boyfriend. I've never read anything more made up either. On our way to his house, Melissa and I ride the Washington Metro (that's the train system for those of you that have never been to the nation's capitol). We spent 45 minutes on the train and out of 35 people we talked to, three spoke English. Turkish, Spanish and French Rosetta stones are now on my Christmas List.

1:24 a.m. At an apartment somewhere in the inner city, Jeremy almost commits involuntary suicide when he somehow breaks two wine glasses even though he wasn't drinking wine or holding glasses. His wrist should have been slit, he should be dead. He was wearing a Bengals 85 jersey when this happened. Every Bengals fan for the rest of the night is ridiculed.

7:54 a.m.: My alarm goes off, but no one wakes up. Lets try this again in 42 minutes. Our goal of being at D.C.'s Union Station by 8:45 a.m. is now shot to hell.

8:36 a.m.: Alarm goes off and I actually wake up this time. Thus starting my Bengals game day ritual. Every Sunday morning I play the Bengals touchdown song when I wake up. Also, I play it loudly, no matter where I am. On this particular Sunday, I was in a house with nine people, six of whom hate the Bengals. After 39 straight minutes of the touchdown song, it is clear that all six non-Bengals fans in the house now hate me, the song, the color orange and all people from Cincinnati.

9:24 a.m.: If you're ever in D.C. and you're looking to catch a train to Baltimore, it's probably a smart idea to look up the train schedule on the internet. For some reason I thought there would be trains leaving every five minutes. Nope, try every hour. Next train: 10:15 a.m. That news meant we were moving the tailgate party from an M&T Bank stadium parking lot to an Amtrak Train. If you've never tailgated on an Amtrak train before, I highly recommend it. Just remember, grills are not allowed. They are generally mistaken for bombs. Moral of the story: Things that look like bombs are frowned upon in Washington D.C.

10:12 a.m.: My girlfriend Mel decided she needed to buy a water, no one is shocked because the night before she drank six cans of nati light. Drinking nati light is always a horrible idea unless you're playing beer pong with a drunk freshman girl you're about to score with. Mel was not doing that. Anyway, Mel goes to get the water and she comes back with seven other things that are not water, among them: honey nut cheerios, oreo cookies, kool-aid, sprite, two percent milk and a taco shell. I didn't even know you could buy taco shells. Way to waste our money Mel. There are four other Bengals fans besides us on the train. We high five them every time we see them.

11:01 a.m.: I do a radio show every Sunday morning in Atlanta at 11 on 920 am WGKA. First problem of the day: I'm on the train at 11:01 a.m., meaning I'm not on the phone to the show. My first thought: I'll do the show by text message. Unfortunately you can't do the show by text message. Seriously, it's 2009, I can set the DVR on my TV from my f*cking cell phone but I can't do a radio show by text message. Technology can go to hell.

11:08 a.m.: Finally the train stops and I have a brilliant idea: "Hey Jeremy and Mel, while I'm doing the radio show, lets start walking to the stadium!!!"

"Hey John, how about we wait until the show is over and we take a cab."

"Gayest idea ever guys, the stadium is like one mile away."

Lesson learned here: The stadium is not one mile away from Penn Station. I did my radio show for 30 minutes, we walked at least three miles and the stadium was nowhere in site. So then, I had another brilliant idea:

"Lets take a cab"

Mel and Jeremy in unison, "You're the Browns offense of this trip. You suck more than words describe."

We get a cab.

11:41 a.m.: Cabbie drops us off at a Hilton hotel by the stadium. He says there is no way the Bengals can win today. If I've learned one thing in life it's this: cabbies know a lot about cricket, but nothing about professional football. We were meeting Justin and his girlfriend Lesley at a restaurant down the street. Jeremy and Mel noted that we needed some sprite for tailgating purposes. I run into a local Subway to buy a large sprite.

Me to the person behind the Subway counter: Hey yo, here's some money, can I have a large cup for Sprite?

Please keep in mind that there are 12 people in line at Subway and they're all Ravens fans. To them, me asking for a cup = me cutting in line.

Huge Ravens fan: If you get that cup and cut in front of me, you'll be leaving this place with something besides sprite.

Me: Like what, a fist to my face.

Ravens fan does not laugh, he gives me the "If you're not out of here in 11 seconds, I'm going to do something to you and then probably go to jail and I won't care one bit" face. I leave Subway sprite-less.

11:58 a.m.: After asking several pedestrians, I find out that the closest gas station is 11 miles away. Seriously!?! Where the hell do people get gas downtown. My crusade ends with no sprite, I head to the restaurant to meet the others.

12:14 p.m.: Mel has been at the restaurant for 16 minutes trying to get a drink for herself. Because she's a Bengals fan, she gets no service. Talk about profiling. To a .00001 percent degree, Mel can now empathize with black people in the 19th century.

12:31 p.m.: What I'm about to describe, I don't ever advocate doing. Mel orders a sprite from the waitress. Mel disappears into the bathroom for 8 minutes. Mel comes back with a sprite that is no longer clear. It now looks like Ginger Ale. We spend the next eight minutes guessing what she added to the drink and how long it will be before someone in our party gets arrested.

12:44 p.m.: After eating more Buffalo chicken spring rolls then should be legal, we go to the stadium.

12:58 p.m.: I'm not sure if Baltimore's newspapers are prominently featuring events that happened in 2006, but the number one thing we hear on the way to the stadium is, "hope none of your players got arrested last night (that's original retard)" and "We dey." I don't care who you are or what team you cheer for: We-dey wasn't funny when Bill Cowher said it the first time and it's gotten less funny since.

1:20 p.m.: As we near our seats, we hear the crowd roar. Thanks to an update from my sister, we knew the Bengals were driving, so in my head I thought two things: "St. Louis just F*cked us over or Carson threw a pic." 38 seconds later I get a text from my dad, a former Bengals kicker himself. The text says "high snap." For the rest of the game, I enjoy every Brad St. Louis snap because I know he's gone 8 seconds after the game ends (Update: it ended up being 48 hours, but who's counting).

1:24 p.m.: As Mel and I walk up to our seats someone yells, "SLUT," I say "why would you call her that," he says, "I'm talking to you." Third time in 18 years I've been called a slut, gets better every time.

1:52 p.m.: Why is the guy in the picture to the right pointing at my camera, why is his buddy making a face like he's about to french kiss an underage orphan... because Ed Reed takes an interception 52-yards to the house. At that exact point, about 17 Raven's fans say the same thing, "Ha ha, you're still the Bungles."

2:01 p.m.: The Bungles drive right down the field and quickly respond with a Shayne Graham field goal. Ravens fans say, "oh we're a bend and don't break defense." Um, no you're not. You're a break everyone's will defense and you're doing a horrible job of breaking our will today. The Bengals O is treating the Ravens D like Bobby Brown used to treat Whitney Houston.

Halftime 7-3 Ravens: At halftime I learn something fun, Ravens fans absolutely hate being called the Browns. There team is from Cleveland and every fan knows it. But they don't like to acknowledge it. It's kind of like when your kid grows up to be Jeffrey Dahmer, you try to keep that on the down low.

In the bathroom line I tell a few Ravens fans that the Browns defense was more impressive last week. Even though I back my statement up with facts and several examples, I am still exiled from the bathroom, forcing me to find a different one.

On my way to the next bathroom, I take a photo of the couple above who apparently got married and came straight to the game. If the game ends up foreshadowing their marriage, divorce is probably only days away.

Third Quarter: Back in my seat, me and some other Bengals fans spot this guy (Pictured right): the only thing more embarrassing than getting beat up by a girl would be getting beat up by this guy. All seven Bengals fans in my section agreed that there is no way the Ravens have ever won a game with him in attendance.

3:15 p.m.: Stadium security is called to our section because of an incident four rows in front of us. Why do I mention this? Because Cedric Benson scores on a 28-yard run and I'm not allowed to stand and cheer because the security guy says I am 'taunting' Ravens fans. I take a picture of the security guy, he is now on my list of people who I am going to set on fire if I ever become a crazed, revenge seeking murderer.

3:40 p.m.: The Ray Rice touchdown. Ravens fans have a smug look on their face, I ask them why and they tell me "You guys lucked into your 10 points today," (We didn't, our offense has rocked the Raven defense, but I can't wait to hear the rest of this guy's statement) "And our defense never gives up game-winning scores." (Bingo, that's what I wanted to hear). This is like Ronald Goldman saying to Nicole Brown Simpson, "I'm kind of scared of your ex-husband," and she says, "Oh don't worry, he would never commit double-murder."

3:56 p.m.: Ravens fans are crying about the penalties. Apparently they don't understand the helmet-to-helmet rule. One fan actually tried to tell me the Ray Lewis hit on Ocho should have been a no-call. He said this with a straight face.

3:57 p.m.: Palmer to Caldwell. Silence from Ravens fans. 500 Bengals fans started screaming in a way that made you think they won the lottery and lost their virginity at the same time. Everyone in purple starts leaving the stadium. Bengals fans start high fiving anyone with at least one hand.

4:08 p.m.: Pictured right, Bengals fans decided to convene after the game and "who dey" every Ravens fan that walked by. An officer that happened to be a Steelers fan made sure no one got the piss beaten out of them. We all agreed that the guy in the blue shirt giving the 'shocker' probably should have been punched at least once.




4:19 p.m.: Jeremy exits the stadium parking lot in style as Mel trails behind calling every number in her cell phone to tell them the Bengals won. Mel doesn't seem to understand that CBS broadcasts the game nationally to Bengals fans all over the country. Kudos to any of her friends who acted surprised at the news.



Quick Epilogue: At 9:30 p.m. Sunday night, Jeremy, Mel and I ordered $60 of chinese food. We seriously could have fed half of China with what we ordered.

Monday night on the way home from the airport, a homeless drifter jumped in front of our car and Mel had to swerve at the last second to keep from killing him. After 13 awkward seconds, I say, "Mel, I'll be honest, I don't think I could date anyone with vehicular manslaughter to their name." Mel makes me walk the rest of the way home.