Bengals Undrafted Free Agent Signings

Hide yo children: Vontaze Burfict is headed for Cincinnati

If you were in Cartagena getting sloppy seconds from Secret Service agent hookers over the weekend, you may have missed the NFL draft. If you did miss the draft, you'll have to go to ESPN.com, NFL.com, SI.com or one of the 1,000 other sites to find out who the Bengals drafted, because we're not going to tell you.

This post is for one thing and one thing only: to provide a list of undrafted free agents who have signed with the Bengals.

LB Vontaze Burfict, Arizona State
DE Julian Miller, West Virginia
WR Justin Hilton, Indiana State
S Tony Dye, UCLA
CB Derrius Brooks, Western Kentucky
WR Kashief Moore, Connecticut
RB Rodney Stewart, Colorado
DE Brandon Joiner, Arkansas State
WR Taveon Rogers, New Mexico State
QB Tyler Hansen, Colorado
OL Ben Bojicic, Bowling Green
S Emmanuel Lammur, Kansas State
OL Landon Walker, Clemson
S Bubba Forrest, New Mexico
OL Trevor Robinson, Notre Dame
OL Mike Ryan, Connecticut

(H/T to Joe Reedy. H/T to Twitter)

***Update: the Bengals released the official list on May 2, you can find it here***

Prank Caller Convinces Rutgers WR Mohamed Sanu That Bengals Drafted Him in First Round **Update** Bengals Draft Sanu in Third Round

Mohamed Sanu's first football card most
likely won't be in a Bengals uniform. 

A few Bengals fans were shocked when the team took Wisconsin guard Kevin Zeitler with the 27th pick in the draft Thursday, but nobody was more shocked than Rutgers wide receiver Mohamed Sanu.

Why was Sanu shocked? Because he thought the Bengals were going to draft him. 

Only minutes before the Bengals announced their second first round pick Thursday, Sanu received a phone call from someone purporting to represent the team. The caller told Sanu the Bengals were going to draft him. 

Sanu was having a draft get together in South Brunswick, NJ and the get together turned into House Party 5 when everyone found out Sanu was going in the first round -- Sanu had been projected to go in the second or third round.

Long story short: when Roger Goodell hit the podium at Radio City Music Hall, he didn't have a notecard with Sanu's name on it, he had one with Kevin Zeitler's name.  

The prank caller was so believable that Sanu's agent tweeted out: Sanu to Bengals!!!

Anyway, you might be wondering, "why would a second or third round projection believe he was going in the first round."

Well, there's two reasons Sanu found the call believable:

1. He only worked out for three teams: the Bengals, Jets and Giants. 

and 

2. Its the Bengals. One of the team's many needs is a No. 2 wide receiver. Sure, Sanu would have been a reach at 27, but the Bengals practically wrote the book on reaching, so the pick wouldn't have been that shocking. 

The lesson learned here is simple: don't answer your phone on draft night.

Second lesson learned: If someone calls from a New Jersey area code saying they're with the Bengals, they're probably not with the Bengals.

(H/T to SI.com)

**Update** This story has a happy ending. The Bengals ended up drafting Sanu anyway in what we can only imagine was a really awkward phone call. 

2011 NFL Draft Preview: Its Not Earth Day, but Look for Bengals to go Green

Finally, its here, the INSIC Mock Draft that's not actually a Mock Draft because we're only going to tell you who the Bengals are going to pick.

Forget Mel Kiper, Mike Mayock, Don Banks or Todd 'really gay' McShay, if you want to know who the Bengals are going to draft tonight, grab a glass of the cheapest whiskey you can find and read on. If you don't like whiskey, then you're obviously not a Bengals fan. As everyone knows, thanks to 20 years of suckiness, all Bengals fans are alcoholics who love whiskey... and vodka and gin and tequila and anything else that blacks out memories of Bengal Sundays. 

If you really want to know if you're a Bengals fan, then ask yourself these two questions: am I an alcoholic? Do I love whiskey... and gin and vodka and tequila? If you did not answer "Yes" to these questions, you are not a Bengals fan. 

Anyway, lets move on. 

Most experts like to point at a teams 'needs' when they're trying to figure out who a certain team is going to draft. We like to point at naked pictures of women, because basically with the Bengals, pointing at team 'needs' does nothing for you, there's a 90 percent chance the pick will be a bust -- and we're not talking about a Hall-of-Fame bust in Canton. 

Before we tell you who the Bengals are going to blow their first round pick on this year, lets look at their current situation: 

Carson Palmer is confused about where he'll be playing next year. 

First, lets be clear about something: the Bengals have a quarterback under contract. His name is Carson Palmer. Carson Palmer has taken the Bengals to the playoffs two more times in the past 20 years then the 10 starting quarterbacks that came before him (free used heroin needles if you can name all 10 starting quarterbacks since 1992 and Boomer doesn't count). 

So technically, the Bengals don't need a QB. If they draft one tonight with pick No. 4, it means Marvin Lewis is wearing the pants in the draft room, but we all know he's not, Mike Brown is. i.e. Marvin knows Carson would rather set his genitals on fire than play for the Bengals, Mike Brown doesn't care. Brown would play Palmer even if his genitals were on fire. 

If the Bengals do draft a QB, look for it to happen in the second round or possibly later in the first round if they trade down. 

You don't think Mike Brown is awesome? Well think again.
Not every second round draft pick gets a Chuck E. Cheese
gift certificate as a signing bonus. Ray Maualuga did in 2009. 

Now lets talk about defense. The Bengals defense sucked in 2010. And by suck, we mean watching them was more painful then having all of your teeth knocked out by a drunk donkey who kicks you in the mouth with its hind legs. Drunk donkeys are dangerous, which is why you should never give donkey's alcohol. 

Drunk donkey's aside, there is a point here: if the Bengals draft a defensive player, no one at INSIC will be mad. 

Someone at ESPN horribly screwed up this graphic, the words "Bengals" and "Draft Party"
should never be in the same sentence. Unless of course, that sentence is "I drank a lot of
DRAFT beer at a PARTY and then blacked out because I'm an alcoholic BENGALS fan."

So who will the Bengals pick? 

Rumor has it that a certain University of Georgia receiver has been praying every night that he doesn't get drafted by the Bengals, his name: A.J. Green. Well A.J., god works in mysterious ways, sometimes condoms rip, sometimes they don't. For A.J. Green, the condom will rip tonight, the Bengals will draft him. 

If you're on Twitter, feel free to send your condolences his way after the Bengals pick him tonight. 

2010 NFL Draft: INSIC Tells you Who the Bengals are going to Pick by Telling you who They're not Going to Pick

Finally, its here, the INSIC Mock Draft that's not actually a Mock Draft because we're only going to tell you who the Bengals are going to pick.

Forget Mel Kiper, Mike Mayock, Don Banks or Todd 'really gay' McShay, if you want to know who the Bengals are going to draft tonight, grab a glass of vodka-laced pineapple juice and read on.

Most experts like to point at a teams 'needs' when they're trying to figure out who a certain team is going to draft. We like to point at naked pictures of women, however, that has nothing to do with the draft.

OK, back to the team needs thing, we think team needs are stupid. In today's NFL, needs mean nothing, they're more useless than Corey Dillon's designated driver.

Think about it, if CJ Spiller dropped to 21, the Bengals would HAVE to think about taking him even though they have absolutely no need for him.

With that in mind, we're going to do the opposite of what most normal draftniks do, we're going to tell you who the Bengals aren't going to draft in the first round.

1. They're not going to draft a Quarterback
2. They're not going to draft a linebacker
3. They're not going to draft a Running back
4. They're not going to draft a kicker or a punter or a long snapper
5. They're not going to trade for Ben Roethlisberger

OK, now that we've made that clear, lets talk about who they're going to draft.

The way we see it, the Bengals list goes something like this (This list is similar to many Bengals lists you've probably seen):WR Dez Bryant, S Earl Thomas, TE Jermaine Greshman, S Taylor Mays, C Maurkice Pouncey and G-OT Mike Iupati.

Bryant is the best talent in the above group and the good news? With all the questions swirling about his character, he might actually fall to 21. Luckily for Bengals fans, Mike Brown has no concerns about character. He would have drafted Jeffrey Dahmer if Dahmer had a 42-inch vertical and ran a 4.4 40.

However, Earl Thomas would be an equally intriguing pick. With a safety position that's aging like Joan Rivers, the Bengals have to think about beefing that spot up. However, Thomas may not be available when the Bengals pick at 21.

Rick Gosselin of the Dallas Morning News (if you've never heard of him, just follow Peter King on twitter, King has a man crush on him) presents the most interesting scenario in his mock draft. Gosselin has Bryant, Thomas and Gresham all available at 21. What the hell will the Bengals do if that happens?

The answer: no one knows and here's why: Mike Brown. Brown loves to meddle in the Bengals affairs and this has to scare you, the Bengals fan. Mike Brown, the man who wanted to put Jason Shirley at tight end, has a say in who the Bengals will pick tonight.

With all this in mind, we think the Bengals 2010 first round pick will be....

TAYLOR MAYS S USC

Remember, we don't think Mays is at the top of the Bengals draft board, we just think he'll be the highest guy left when pick 21 comes around. Plus USC picks have worked out well for the Bengals, so why not add one more.

Now here's our reasoning: At least three teams need WR's (Dolphins, Seahawks, Broncos), so Bryant is most likely gone. IF BRYANT MAKES IT TO 21, we say the Bengals take him. We don't think he'll make it.

Why not Gresham?

The Bengals haven't drafted a tight end in the first round since 1977 when we think they drafted Mike Cobb on accident (They had three first round picks that year, Cobb was taken with the third of those picks, he lasted one season with the team, so Mike Brown probably still feels burnt by this). Brown hates spending high picks on positions he isn't keen on (again, let us repeat: he tried to turn Jason Shirley into a tight end). We think Brown will veto a Gresham pick.

Earl Thomas is the only other person the Bengals would take over Mays, but we don't think he'll be available either.

So Mays it is.

Our last draft prediction: Tim Tebow goes in the first round.

We swear to God Tebow will go in the first round (That's right Tebow, we swore to your God about you, what are you going to do about it).

By the way, that picture of David Klingler at the top of the page is there to remind all Bengals fans that no matter what happens tonight, it could always be worse.

Term 'Draft Steal' Confuses Bengals Owner Brown, Almost Costs Team Maualuga

By John Breech/Staff

The pick of Ray Maualuga seemed like a pretty obvious one for Cincinnati to make Saturday, but according to one team source, the former USC star almost wasn't taken by the Bengals.

The anonymous assistant coach, who was in the Bengals war room on draft day, says that team owner Mike Brown had issues with the term 'draft steal.'

"He thought it was something illegal," says the source. "When we told him we were getting a steal with Maualuga, he actually called up the league office and asked if a 'draft day steal' meant a fine for the organization. Coach Lewis and the team's three scouts did the best they could to keep a straight face."

Most football fans and NFL owners know that the term 'draft steal' is generally given to a prospect that falls below their initial projection. In Maualuga's case, he was widely considered to be a first round choice, but he fell to the second round.

"He's been the head of this franchise for 18 years," the anonymous assistant said of Brown. "And he doesn't know what a draft day steal is, Jesus F. Christ, my fricking four-year-old daughter knows more about football than Mike Brown. I tell you, I almost quit on the spot."

The source went on to say that draft day took an even more embarassing turn when Brown's choice for the Bengals second round pick was not available. "So Mike calls up the league draft offices in New York and announces that the Bengals would like to select Mark Sanchez with the 38th pick," explained the source. "After laughing for at least eight minutes, they informed Mr. Brown that Sanchez had been drafted 33 picks earlier, you know, at pick number five, right before us. Then, to make matters worse, Brown tells them that the Bengals would like to draft Ray Finkle instead. This would have been the funniest thing ever if it was a joke, but he was dead serious."

After team employees explained to Brown that Finkle was a fictional character in a comedic movie, the owner finally relented and OK'd the Maualuga pick.

Three other independent sources confirmed this story to Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati, however, Mike Brown was unavailable for comment.

On the Clock: John Breech Breaks down the Bengals Draft

Alright people, because I'm in a good mood and because I feel bad that the Andy Kennedy court transcript (below) was longer than the bible, I'm going to go ahead and sum up the first five rounds of the Bengals 2009 draft for you; bad, good, good, good, good, we drafted a punter.

You're welcome.

First and foremost, I hate the Andre Smith pick, mostly because I hate Andre Smith. If the Bengals had the first pick in an imaginary draft that consisted of Andre Smith, Jesus and a meth addict, I would have wanted them to take the meth addict first (Jesus is undersized for the NFL, Andre Smith is less reliable).


For those of you who missed this year's Sugar Bowl (Utah vs. Alabama), you're in the same category as Andre because he missed it too. Wait, what? Bama's best tackle didn't play in his team's most important game, he must have had swine flu or something, right? Nope, he was suspended. Smith decided NFL money was more important then his Crimson Tide teammates. So he went out to dinner with an agent. Now I expect something like that out of Chris Henry, but not a number six overall pick in the NFL draft.

As my facebook profile clearly stated Saturday one hour before the draft started:

If the Bengals draft Andre Smith, please turn off your television and give up on the 2009 season.

Here's my problem, Smith is going to be protecting Carson Palmer, this is a bad thing. Ripped condoms give better protection then Andre Smith. He eats what he wants and has John Daly's workout habits. His weight fluctuates more than Oprah's, his college teammates didn't trust him and Alabama coach Nick Saban likes him. Usually when a coach likes you, its a good thing, unless that coach is Nick Saban. <--- If you don't follow football, everyone hates Saban, even LSU fans and he won them a National Championship. Oh and did I mention he left the NFL combine early because he was out of shape and then had a terrible pro day when scouts made their way to Tuscaloosa. On the other hand, there is an upside. If Smith actually tries, isn't lazy and cuts down on his trips to Taco Bell, he could be the best tackle the Bengals have ever had not named Anthony Munoz. Plus, at least we know he's cool, I mean the guy did announce he was going pro on Facebook. Alright, now its time to get to the part of the draft that should have given Bengal nation a collective orgasm. "With pick number 38 in the 2009 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select..." I got about 13 text messages leading up to the prior statement, most of them went something like this: If we don't take Ray Ray, I quit as a Bengals fan.

Ray's freak dance with ESPN's Erin Andrews alone would make this the best pick ever.

If we take Maualuga, we could take 4 punters, a kicker and a hairless cat with the rest of our picks and I would still be happy.

Then the Bengals did something they never do: the obvious thing. They drafted Maualuga. He is the Bengals Chuck Norris, this guy can do anything, fans are going to love him (unless he goes Odell on us) Over the next ten seasons, we're going to make up things about him like "Ray Maualuga eats steak for every single meal even though most of the time he forgets to kill the cow. " He has legend written all over him.

With the third pick, the Bengals took Michael Johnson from Georgia Tech. I live in Atlanta and I saw this freak of nature play twice this year. You want girls to be freaks in the bed, you want newly drafted third round picks to be freaks in the weight room. Johnson is exactly that, if Andre Smith spends 10 minutes working out with Johnson, he will either die of a heart attack or become the most ripped tackle in the NFL. If everyone on the team works out with Johnson, they can just go ahead and start sizing everyone for Super Bowl rings.

Then, we went Tight End, Center, Punter. I don't think any team in the history of the NFL draft has ever picked those three positions in a row.

I love the punter choice, even though it may have been a reach in the 5th round, but you can't hate on Kevin Huber mainly because he was born and raised in Cincinnati.

Oh and if you're reading this with your Kyle Larson jersey on, that thing is depreciating in value faster then AIG stock. Nothing says "we don't want you anymore" like signing a free agent punter and drafting a punter in a span of 40 days. I'll go ahead and add him to my list of people I won't be expecting at training camp.

This is the first time in six years that I didn't blow a kidney stone the day after the draft. The Bengals did something right <--- I love writing that, mainly because they only do something right about three times a decade.

Bengal's 2009 Draft Overall Grade: A- (A+ if Andre Smith isn't at Taco Bell right now)