Is Carson Palmer a Fun Golf Partner? This Random Guy, Who's Probably a Raiders Fan, Says Yes

Carson Palmer didn't throw any pick-6's on the golf course Tuesday
(photo via Horsemeatsandwich)

Last year, after Carson Palmer diva'd his way out of Cincinnati, we swore we'd never write about him or horses ever again. We have nothing against horses, but Carson Palmer probably likes them, so we don't.

Anyway, we're ending our Carson Palmer/horse ban today by writing about both.

On Tuesday, a Reddit.com commenter that goes by the name "HorseMeatSandwich," played golf with Carson Palmer. And he shared his experience with the world.

When I walked into the clubhouse to check in, all the workers at the desk had their jaws dropped. I paid and all, and while I was signing the receipt the guy at the register asked "So, are you an NFL fan?" I said yes, and he said, "Carson Fucking Palmer just checked in." 

Sounded like Palmer just showed up unannounced, and he was just by himself. No posse or anything. Honestly, if the guy at the desk didn't say anything I might have played a whole round of golf with him and thought "Wow, this dude looks a little like Carson Palmer."

According to Mr. HorseMeatSandwich, he showed up at the Tilden Golf Course in Berkeley, Calif. to play a round of golf by himself. If you've ever showed up at a golf course by yourself, you may know that the course will sometimes pair you up with someone to expedite the playing process.

Well, the course paired up Mr. HorseMeatSandwich with another golfer that showed up by himself: Carson Palmer.

He kept his headphones on most of the time, but if I asked him a question or started small talk, he took them off and would happily answer me. On one hole I lost a ball and he spent almost 5 minutes trudging through the weeds helping me look for it even though I told him it was fine and that he didn't need to. He was a really nice guy, actually.

Here's what we learned from HorseMeatSandwich's story: Carson paid for his round AKA he didn't get comp'd. Carson plays golf with earphones in. Carson is a good golfing partner, as evidenced by the fact that he helped Mr. HorseMeatSandwich look for his ball.  Carson shot an 80. Carson does not eat Horse Meat Sandwiches.

Have you ever played golf or gone horse back riding with Carson Palmer? If so, tell your friends about it because we don't want to know.

NFL Schedules 2012 NFL Schedule Release for Tuesday (April 17)

Unless the NFL twitter feed got hacked, it looks like the 2012 schedule will
be released on Tuesday, April 17. 

Just when it looked like Tuesday was going to be the worst day of the year -- that's when your taxes are due and no one likes doing taxes or paying them -- the NFL karate chopped the tax man by making a big announcement on Twitter Monday: the NFL schedule will be released April 17.

Rumors had been swirling for weeks that April 17 would be the day (we mentioned it back on April 4), but the NFL didn't make the announcement official until today.

A couple schedule tidbits:

The Bengals have opened on the road in six of the last eight seasons.

Each team is guaranteed at least one prime time game this season, so the Bengals will be on at night at least once. Coming off a playoff year, our guess is that they get three night games: one Pittsburgh, one Baltimore and Carson Palmer's return to Cincinnati.

Carson Palmer Traded to Raiders plus Bengals Fans Rejoice and is Mike Brown the new Thomas Jefferson?

Carson Palmer's fake smile is Oakland's problem now.

The only way Tuesday could have been better for Bengals fans is if Mike Brown would have fired himself.

Brown's incredibly crazy, stubborn strategy of holding on to Carson Palmer paid off in a huge way Tuesday morning when the Raiders gave the Bengals a 2012 first round pick and 2013 second round pick for the much maligned quarterback. The 2013 pick becomes a first round pick if the Raiders make the AFC Championship game in 2011 or 2012.

Is Mike Brown the new
Danny Ocean? INSIC
says yes.

I haven't seen a heist like this since the third time I saw Ocean's 11. And the fact that it was masterminded by Mike Brown makes it even harder to believe.

But lets be honest, Brown didn't exactly mastermind this, it fell into his lap. This would be like dumping your girlfriend and then going to Costco and having a 3-some with two of the cashiers there who also happen to be lingerie models.


Three thoughts from the biggest in-season trade in NFL history.

THOUGHT ONE

I'm going to compare Mike Brown to Thomas Jefferson. I completely understand the shocking nature of the prior sentence, if you aren't prepared for the comparison, please feel free to skip to the next thought. Also feel free to punch me in the face next time you see me.

The Palmer-to-Raiders trade is the Louisiana Purchase of NFL deals.

For you non-history buffs or people who are too drunk right now to remember anything from sixth grade, here's the Louisiana Purchase in a nut shell: Napoleon was dealing with all sorts of crap in Europe and he needed money really, really, really, really bad (Kind of like the Raiders needed a quarterback really, really, really, really bad).

Napoleon was so desperate that he was willing to do anything non-sexual for money. He called up his boy Thomas Jefferson and offered the Louisiana Territory at a below market price.

Sidebar: The Louisiana Territory is made up of a bunch of great plains states that no one likes to visit, but it doubled the size of the country.

Better deal: Louisiana Purchase, getting two first round picks
for Carson Palmer or paying $5 to get to second base with a bear.

Long story short: Jefferson had all the leverage (Mike Brown had all the leverage in the Palmer trade) and T. Jeff ended up paying 3 CENTS a square mile for the Louisiana Territory.

Napoleon got what he wanted ($15 million), Jefferson got what he wanted -- he took advantage of Napoleon like a guy takes advantage of a drunk girl who's on her first rebound date after being dumped -- and everyone was happy.

Mike Brown got what he wanted -- two first round picks. And lets not kid ourselves, the Raiders probably threw in a Kroger Plus card.

The Raiders got what they wanted -- a starting quarterback. Everyone went home happy.

THOUGHT TWO

Mike Brown doesn't make this deal under the old collective bargaining agreement (CBA).

If you bore easily, skip the next five paragraphs.

The NFL lockout was because of the old CBA. Prior to 2009, contracts for first round picks were gigantic, for instance, Matthew Stafford, the 2009 first round pick, signed for 6-years, $72 million with $41.7 million of that guaranteed.

Mike Brown is the stingiest person in the world. Its common knowledge that he hangs around homeless people and asks them for change. Mike Brown doesn't want to give $41.7 million to anyone.

Under the new CBA, he doesn't have too. Cam Newton, the first pick of the 2011 draft, only signed for $22 million guaranteed. That's $20 million less than Stafford got. You know what that means. It means Brown can afford two 2012 first round picks for the price of one 2009 first round pick. The Bengals also save about $40 million in contract money by getting rid of Palmer.

Bottom line: Mike Brown is still a cheap skate. If there were no NFL lockout he wouldn't have made this deal. Wasting money on first round picks is why he turned down the Redskins offer for Ochocinco in 2008 and why he turned down the Saints offer for Ricky Williams in the 1998 draft.

Quick refresher: in 1998, the Saints were going to pretty much give the Bengals all of their picks just so they could move up in the draft and take Ricky Williams. Because Mike Brown has the football acumen of a hairless cat, he passed up the offer.

THOUGHT THREE

Carson's only friend left in
Cincinnati is this guy.

Carson Palmer is going to kick ass in Oakland. This one's obvious right?

All Bengals fans know how Bengals karma works. A player leaves the team only to find incredible success somewhere else.

Exhibit A: Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Exhibit B: Everyone that's ever played for the Bengals and gone onto to play for another team.**

**This does not apply to Shayne Graham. There can only be one productive red-head in the league at a time. Luckily for Bengals fans, its Andy Dalton right now.

Anyway, using this logic, we can ascertain that Palmer will win 11 Super Bowls, four MVP awards and the Powerball lottery while he's playing for the Raiders.

Oh and look for Carson Palmer to start Sunday against the Chiefs because God knows Kyle Boller isn't going too.

INSIC's Seven Question/Six Answer 2011 Cincinnati Bengals Preview

Should you bust out the bag now or wait until week two?

Here at INSIC, we've realized three things in the past month:

Number one: drunk babies have longer attention spans than people on the internet.

We realize that if something on the internet takes you more than five minutes to read, you're probably not going to read it. That's why we're going to keep this preview relatively short (it will be 67 paragraphs shorter than anything you've ever read on Grantland.com)

Number two: We're trying so hard to keep this preview short, we're not even going to finish this list.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to 2011 Bengals preview.

Did Ben Savage's career peak with Boy Meets World?

No Bengals preview can start without talking about Carson Palmer. That would be like starting a Ben Savage conversation and not talking about "Boys Meets World".

So lets talk about Carson Palmer.

You can do some risky things in life -- having an unprotected one-night stand with someone who has AIDS comes to mind -- but Carson Palmer one-upped even that.

Palmer got into a $45 million game of chicken with the stingiest owner in professional sports.

Bad idea.

The odds of Palmer winning this standoff with Mike Brown are about the same as Hanson and 50 Cent touring together next summer.

Thanks to Palmer's poorly planned power play, Carson is now in retirement and the Bengals had to pick up Andy Dalton in the second round of the 2011 NFL draft.

Once the lockout ended and it became clear that Dalton would be the Bengals starter this season, we here at INSIC did something that we've never done before: research.

If you get bored easily, have A.D.D or are putting off sex with your girlfriend until you've finished reading this preview, you may want to stop reading now.

The first two paragraphs were a complete lie to get you to read this, this preview isn't going to be short at all. It's going to be twice as long as anything you've ever read at Grantland and three times as long as anything we've ever written. It will rival the dictionary in length.

On that note, lets start the real preview, which isn't a preview at all, but actually a seven question quiz that's going to convince Bengals fans that Cincinnati can win this season.

Q1: Since the AFL-NFL merger in 1970, how many quarterbacks picked in the second round of the NFL draft have been the opening day starter for their team?

Bengals fans will be bonging Captain this season.

A: ZERO. Now this is based on INSIC research, which is done after bonging three bottles of Captain Morgan and taking shots of grapefruit flavored vodka, but we're fairly confident it's accurate.

This means Andy Dalton is doing something that's never been done before. He is the first second round pick to be his team's opening day starter.

Since 2000, there's been several second round draftees that started for their teams during their rookie year -- Brian Brohm, Tavaris Jackson, John Beck, Quincy Carter and Jimmy Clausen are all on the list -- but none of them have ever started the opening game.

This means Andy Dalton is the man. Also, now that Jeff Garcia is no longer playing, Dalton is now the only red-headed starting QB in the league.

Q2: What's the most wins a second round QB has ever had in his rookie season?

A: The answer is five wins (Tony Banks-1996, Charlie Batch-1998).

Q3: Is Andy Dalton going to obliterate this record?

A: Probably. Dalton is walking into an ideal situation (its not acutally an ideal situation, but its as ideal as a situation like this gets). He has a strong running game behind him, so he won't be forced to take over games. Batch was in a similar situation with the Lions (Barry Sanders at RB). Batch went 5-7 in 12 starts and four of those seven losses were by one score. Is Cedric Benson Barry Sanders? No. But the Bengals 2011 defense should be a lot better than the Lions 1998 D was, so it evens out.

Will Andy Dalton ever be on the SI cover?

Q4: Talk about Boomer Esiason. He's the best Bengal ever. If you can use a Boomer Esiason fact to convince me that Andy Dalton is going to be awesome, then I'll believe you that Andy Dalton is going to be awesome.

A: Nothing beats a good Boomer Esiason fact - except being laid by a J-woww lookalike in a Paul Brown Stadium bathroom - but we digress. Esiason was a second round pick in 1984 and guess what? Esiason started four games for the Bengals.

Boomer is one of 21 second round draft picks since 1970 that have started at least one game in their rookie season. Guess what else? Boomer went 3-1 as a starter, which gives him the record for best winning percentage by a second round draft pick in his rookie season. If Dalton ties Boomer's record, that means the Bengals go 12-4 this year.

Q5: Everyone is saying that Dalton will be a liability this season, but seriously, can he suck more than Carson Palmer did last year?

Carson Palmer single-handedly cost the Bengals several games last season. The Bengals lost eight of their 12 games last year by one score. However, Carson Palmer didn't suck-suck, he just kind of sucked. He threw more pick-6's then Antonio Cromartie has children, but in his defense, he did have to put up with Ocho and T.O.

Q6: What's your prediction for 2011?

A: 7-9

Q7: WTF, 7-9, no way, please explain.

A: The Bengals lucked out with the easiest opening seven games ever. Lets take a look real quick:

9/11 @Browns: Cleveland has won exactly one season opener since 1999. Advantage Bengals.

9/18 @Broncos: If there's one AFC team that could outsuck everyone this year, its Denver. Advantage Bengals.

Can the Carrot Top Cannon get the Bengals off to a quick start?

9/25 San Fran: When experts talk about the worst teams in the NFL this year, the 49ers are usually in the conversation. Advantage Bengals.

10/2 Buffalo: Everyone in Cincinnati witnessed the shit show that was the 2008 Bengals season. Ryan Fitzpatrick engineered that. He is now QB for the Bills. Advantage Bengals.

10/9 @Jaguars: Jacksonville CUT their starting QB five days before the season opener. In terms of winning games, that doesn't usually work out to well for you. Advantage Bengals.

10/16 @Colts: If Kerry Collins is the Colts QB in this game, bet your first child's second child on the Bengals. No Manning. Advantage Bengals.

With an early schedule
easier than Deena, the
Bengals could top out
at 9-7 this year.

10/30 @Seahawks: On the national scene, the Seahawks are the Bengals of the NFC, everyone's predicting them to be horrible and by Oct. 30, people might be calling this the Suck Bowl. As any Bengals fans knows, the Bengals are undefeated in Suck Bowls. Advantage Bengals.

These opening seven games are easier than a drunk Deena, if the Bengals can go 5-2 or 6-1 in this stretch, Dalton's confidence will shoot up faster than the BAC of a college freshman at their first frat party. If this happens, then anything is possible.

We think they'll go 4-3 in this stretch and then 3-6 the rest of the way.

This post is probably still too short for Grantland, isn't it?

Week One Picks: 
Green Bay 28-21 over New Orleans
Cincinnati 20-19 over Cleveland
Atlanta 24-17 over Chicago
Kansas City 20-17 over Buffalo
Philadelphia 21-20 over St. Louis
Detroit 27-20 over Tampa Bay
Tennessee 17-13 over Jacksonville
Pittsburgh 21-13 over Baltimore
Houston 31-17 over Indianapolis
NY Giants 20-14 over Washington
San Diego 35-24 over Minnesota
Seattle 24-16 over San Francisco
Arizona 24-10 over Carolina
NY Jets 20-17 over Dallas
New England 35-20 over Miami
Oakland 17-14 over Denver

2011 NFL Draft Preview: Its Not Earth Day, but Look for Bengals to go Green

Finally, its here, the INSIC Mock Draft that's not actually a Mock Draft because we're only going to tell you who the Bengals are going to pick.

Forget Mel Kiper, Mike Mayock, Don Banks or Todd 'really gay' McShay, if you want to know who the Bengals are going to draft tonight, grab a glass of the cheapest whiskey you can find and read on. If you don't like whiskey, then you're obviously not a Bengals fan. As everyone knows, thanks to 20 years of suckiness, all Bengals fans are alcoholics who love whiskey... and vodka and gin and tequila and anything else that blacks out memories of Bengal Sundays. 

If you really want to know if you're a Bengals fan, then ask yourself these two questions: am I an alcoholic? Do I love whiskey... and gin and vodka and tequila? If you did not answer "Yes" to these questions, you are not a Bengals fan. 

Anyway, lets move on. 

Most experts like to point at a teams 'needs' when they're trying to figure out who a certain team is going to draft. We like to point at naked pictures of women, because basically with the Bengals, pointing at team 'needs' does nothing for you, there's a 90 percent chance the pick will be a bust -- and we're not talking about a Hall-of-Fame bust in Canton. 

Before we tell you who the Bengals are going to blow their first round pick on this year, lets look at their current situation: 

Carson Palmer is confused about where he'll be playing next year. 

First, lets be clear about something: the Bengals have a quarterback under contract. His name is Carson Palmer. Carson Palmer has taken the Bengals to the playoffs two more times in the past 20 years then the 10 starting quarterbacks that came before him (free used heroin needles if you can name all 10 starting quarterbacks since 1992 and Boomer doesn't count). 

So technically, the Bengals don't need a QB. If they draft one tonight with pick No. 4, it means Marvin Lewis is wearing the pants in the draft room, but we all know he's not, Mike Brown is. i.e. Marvin knows Carson would rather set his genitals on fire than play for the Bengals, Mike Brown doesn't care. Brown would play Palmer even if his genitals were on fire. 

If the Bengals do draft a QB, look for it to happen in the second round or possibly later in the first round if they trade down. 

You don't think Mike Brown is awesome? Well think again.
Not every second round draft pick gets a Chuck E. Cheese
gift certificate as a signing bonus. Ray Maualuga did in 2009. 

Now lets talk about defense. The Bengals defense sucked in 2010. And by suck, we mean watching them was more painful then having all of your teeth knocked out by a drunk donkey who kicks you in the mouth with its hind legs. Drunk donkeys are dangerous, which is why you should never give donkey's alcohol. 

Drunk donkey's aside, there is a point here: if the Bengals draft a defensive player, no one at INSIC will be mad. 

Someone at ESPN horribly screwed up this graphic, the words "Bengals" and "Draft Party"
should never be in the same sentence. Unless of course, that sentence is "I drank a lot of
DRAFT beer at a PARTY and then blacked out because I'm an alcoholic BENGALS fan."

So who will the Bengals pick? 

Rumor has it that a certain University of Georgia receiver has been praying every night that he doesn't get drafted by the Bengals, his name: A.J. Green. Well A.J., god works in mysterious ways, sometimes condoms rip, sometimes they don't. For A.J. Green, the condom will rip tonight, the Bengals will draft him. 

If you're on Twitter, feel free to send your condolences his way after the Bengals pick him tonight. 

Carson Palmer Goes Brady Quinn/Jay Cutler on Bengals Fans; Getting Ready to Put Indian Hill Residence Up for Sale

(Carson Palmer and his wife Shaelyn [left] are packing their bags and getting ready to leave town)

It looks like Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer is doing something that no self respecting football player has ever done: that being, acting like Brady Quinn and Jay Cutler. Back in October of 2009, Quinn put his Cleveland area house on the market after Derek Anderson was named the Browns starter.

Brady Quinn doesn't have Myspace...
or a starting job in the NFL.

Quinn made it clear he wasn't interested in being a backup (which is ironic because that's exactly what he did in Denver once he got traded there), so he told the Browns to trade him. The Browns told Quinn to F-off, which is a common thing to say to Quinn -- however, the Browns secretly shopped Quinn around, before pulling off the trade of the year: Quinn for Denver Broncos running back Peyton Hillis.

Former Denver quarterback Jay Cutler actually invented the "I'll force a trade by putting my house up for sale" strategy in March 2009, when, you guessed it, he tried to force a trade by putting his house up for sale. The ploy worked, to some extent, when Cutler was traded to the Bears. However, the trade could also be labeled a failure because had he not been traded to the Bears, he never would have played in the NFC Championship game and therefore never would have been labeled "the biggest vagina that ever played in an NFL football game."

So now it looks like Palmer is going the house selling route too.

Earlier this morning, WCPO in Cincinnati reported that Palmer has officially gone Cutler/Quinn on Bengals fans: he's scheduled to put his home up for sale in March. In the story -- by Ch. 9's Dennis Janson -- Janson interviews an Indian Hill real estate agent who spoke with Palmer today. The agent's opinion of the quarterback after talking to Palmer "He's not coming back."

Palmer lives in Indian Hill and ironically enough, his house is less than five miles away from Mike Brown's palace. They probably hang out all the time.

By the way, INSIC is back, so be sure to check in every day or once a week or at least twice a month.

Jack Bauer is Back: Fox Offers First Preview of 24 Season 8