Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Bengals Release 2012 Preseason Schedule

These are the only three fans in Cincinnati that are excited for preseason football.

Nobody cares about preseason football, but we still felt obligated to post this, mainly because its NFL news in April and everyone loves NFL news in April.

Bengals 2012 Preseason Schedule

Week 1 (Aug. 9-13) -- New York Jets. Call the Pope, call your priest, if you have a kid with a terminal illness, get him to Paul Brown Stadium, Tim Tebow is coming to Cincinnati. 

August 16 (8 p.m. ET, Fox) -- At Atlanta. The Carrot Top Cannon vs. Matty Ice on national television. Get your carrots and beer bongs ready. Also, don't be shocked if the Georgia Dome is 86 percent full with people wearing A.J. Green jerseys. Green was a legend at UGA which is only about an hour from Atlanta.

Week 3 (Aug. 23-27) -- Green Bay Packers. Starters usually see some serious playing time during week three of the preseason, so this game may not actually be a waste of money. Expect 2011 NFL MVP Aaron Rodgers to play at least a quarter. Also, bring cheese, Packers fans will do anything for cheese.

Week 4 (Aug 30-31) -- At Indianapolis. The Bengals and Indy are basically friends with benefits. They get drunk all night, swear they won't hookup, but then leave the bar together every time to have sex. Or in football terms, the two teams always end the preseason together. Starters don't usually play in the final preseason game, but if presumptive No. 1 draft pick Andrew Luck struggles at all during training camp, the Colts brass may decide to play him in a series or two against the Bengals.

Preseason note: In case you're wondering how worthless the preseason is, consider this: the Bengals have made the playoffs three times under Marvin Lewis. In those three seasons, they went 2-2 (2005), 2-2 (2009) and 1-3 (2011) in the preseason.

The Bengals went 4-0 in the 2006 postseason, but missed the playoffs. By three feet. How do you miss the playoffs by three feet? Your kicker (cough, Shayne Graham, cough) misses a 39-yard field goal in the season finale that would have clinched a playoff spot.

If the NFL sticks to its usual calendar, the regular season schedule should be released some time in the next two weeks, we're guessing April 17.


  1. Henry RoengardnerApril 4, 2012 at 3:41 PM

    Matty Ice is the worst nickname is sports. Also, I hate you.

  2. If you hate me because I didn't make an Aaron Rodgers/Discount Double Check joke, I understand. I dropped the ball on that one.

    To be fair though, I hate you for spelling Henry Rowengartner's last name wrong.