Packers-Cardinals Officials Are Almost More Pathetic Than Shayne Graham

Hi, my name is Aaron Rodgers (or as most of you might know me as, the guy who told Favre to get the F#ck out of Green Bay).

I was the victim of an egregious face mask on the final play of yesterday's game. Somehow, all seven officials on the field managed to miss this. Arizona then took the ball from me and scored the winning touchdown in overtime. The first question is: why do I always look like I'm drunk? The second question: which official should I kill first?

INSIC SAYS: We picked the Packers to win by six. If the refs call the face mask above, the Packers win and we look like geniuses. We vow to help Aaron hunt down every official from the game (Although he'll have to pull the trigger because here at INSIC, we are anti-murder).

NFL Wildcard Weekend: Call Your Bookie, Here Are INSIC's Playoff Picks

In case you haven't noticed, there are only two cool things to do this week: see Avatar and make NFL playoff picks. Here at INSIC, we haven't done either... until now that is. After we finish picking our playoff games, we're going to watch our illegally bootlegged version of James Cameron's movie about giant smurfs.



For our playoff picks, we bring in our secret weapon: John Breech. He never misses. If you check out the picture below (you might have to click on it), you'll see that he nailed 180 out 256 NFL games this year. ESPN pays their merry group of NFL morons millions of dollars to analyze games, not one of them out picked Breech. Hell, the dead nazi shark from Deadspin out picked half of ESPN's experts. One of James Cameron's giant smurfs probably could have out picked Mike Ditka.


Anyway, lets get to Breech's picks.


Saturday
4:30 p.m. Jets at Bengals: I would let Charles Manson plan my nephew's birthday party before I would let Mark Sanchez quarterback my team in a playoff game. Sanchez threw 20 interceptions this year. TWENTY. In case you skipped second grade and didn't learn about simple division, that's more than one interception a game.

Does anyone else think that Marvin Lewis' pregame speech Sunday went something like this: "OK guys, the starters are going to play so it looks like we're trying, but in fact, I don't want anyone to try at all. I will fine your ass at least $25,000 if I see any one of you putting forth any effort."

You did notice that there were no fines in Cincinnati this week.

Seriously, the Bengals played like they WANTED to play the Jets in the playoffs. That's the irony in this whole thing. For 60 minutes at the Meadowlands, Marvin Lewis stood on the sideline thinking, "holy ball sweat, they just put Brad Smith in the Wildcat, they're showing us everything they have. Zimmer, are you watching this? Next week we're going to treat their offense like a female praying mantis treats her mate after a night of hot sex."

Prediction: Bengals 20, Jets 13

8 p.m. Eagles at Cowboys: Unlike the Bengals, Philly had something to play for last week. If the Eagles had beaten the Cowboys, they would be sitting at home with a bye probably wondering why their city is such a piece of trash (like all NFL cities in Pennsylvania).

However, the Eagles lost and they lost bad. There are bongs in college apartments that don't get as many hits as the Cowboy D-line got on Donovan McNabb. That is a tough problem to fix in one week. However, it's probably worth pointing out that in the month of December, the Eagles went 4-0 and scored 34, 45, 27 and 30 points. That tells me one thing: they're not getting shutout Saturday night.

Prediction: Cowboys 24, Eagles 20


Sunday
1 p.m. Ravens at Patriots: Here's the problem for the Patriots, Wes Welker isn't playing. This would be like the doctor telling you two days before your honeymoon that one of your testicles needs to be surgically removed.

Am I saying that Wes Welker is just as important to Brady as your testicles are to you? I'm not sure, but I am saying that I'll take the Ravens.

Prediction: Ravens 20, Patriots 17

4:40 p.m. Packers at Cardinals: I hate picking Cardinals games. It's like trying to pick the winner of a Marco Polo game being played by four deaf kids and a blind child. There's no science involved.

Aaron Rodgers hasn't played a bad game since Halloween and Kurt Warner is streakier than a fourth graders underwear.

Prediction: Packers 33, Cardinals 27

Bengals-Packers Have History of Fun: Top 5 Games in Series

Bengals and Packers fans, grab a cup of coffee, your crack pipe, a mango or whatever you like to read with and get ready to relive the most exciting five games in series history.

And yes, you will read about the birth of Brett Favre. Not his real birth of course, but his metaphorical football birth.

Also, I was Greg Gall last halloween, if you don't know who he is, punch yourself in the face and skip straight to number two on this list

Alright, without further ado, let's take a closer look at the all-time Cincinnati-Green Bay series.

Fact to impress drunk people with: Most Packers fans know this, but Bengals fans might not. From 1953-1994, the Packers played up to three home games per year in Milwaukee. The Bengals are 2-0 in trips to Milwaukee.

All-time series: Tied 5-5*

* = will be 6-5 Bengals after Sunday

Let's start the countdown.

5. Oct. 3, 1971, at Green Bay

The very first game in the Bengals-Packers series was a good one. Dan Devine, in his first season as Packers head coach, watched his team jump out to a 10-0 lead.

However, the Bengals jumped right back into the game thanks to a 65-yard interception return for a touchdown by defensive back Lemar Parrish.

At halftime, Bengals coach Paul Brown decided that starting quarterback Virgil Carter was a talentless hack, so he replaced him with rookie Kenny Anderson (Reason number 9,474 why Paul Brown is brilliant).

Anderson would throw the first touchdown pass of his storied career in the fourth quarter to wide receiver Eric Crabtree, but it wouldn't be enough.

Devine would spend four years with the Packers before leaving for Notre Dame where he single-handedly almost made sure Rudy's storied one-play career never happened. Dan Devine can go to hell, I'm Rudy chanting my nephew to bed tonight.

Result: Green Bay 20, Cincinnati 17

4. Oct. 5, 1986, at Milwaukee

This game had then Packers coach Forrest Gregg emotionally torn. The 1986 meeting marked the first time that Gregg had faced off against the Bengals since leaving the organization after the 1983 season to take the Packers job. (We will not be making fun of Gregg because we love him in Cincinnati).

When Gregg left Cincinnati, he was only two seasons removed from guiding the Bengals to Super Bowl XVI.

The Packers came into the game 0-4 (many think the 1986 team was one of the worst in Packers history) and really shouldn't have been any sort of match for the high-flying Bengals. At the beginning of the game, they weren't.

Behind three touchdown passes from Boomer Esiason, two of which went to Cris Collinsworth, the Bengals jumped out to a 34-14 lead. Seriously, highlights from this game should be the intro to both the NBC Sunday night game (Collinsworth) and the CBS studio show (Esiason). Esiason to Collinsworth touchdown passes should be dubbed over with Gus Johnson's announcing.

Anyway, the Packers would score two late touchdowns, but they wouldn't be able to get the big win for the always emotional Gregg.

Result: Cincinnati 34, Green Bay 28

3. Oct. 5, 1980, at Green Bay

Once again, Forrest Gregg is the story. However, this time, it's because he's the Bengals coach.

The 1980 game represented the first time Gregg, who was a legendary lineman for the Packers in the 1960's, returned to Green Bay as a coach to face the team he once played for (Gregg coached the Browns from 1975-77, but never faced the Packers).

Once again, Gregg's team didn't come out on top. Kenny Anderson threw two interceptions. Bengals Hall-of-Fame left tackle Anthony Munoz caught his first career pass but got dropped for a six-yard loss.

And to make things worse, Munoz didn't even have the worst stat line among receivers. Fullback Nathan Poole took that honor as he managed one catch for negative seven yards.

Kicker Ian Sunter (20, 34, 31) would score all of Cincinnati's points, but the difference in the game proved to be Packer quarterback Lynn Dickey, who threw two touchdown passes, one of which went to James Lofton.

Bottom line: both teams sucked in 1980 (Bengals 6-10, Packers 5-10-1), this game is only on the list because of Forrest Gregg.

Result: Green Bay 14, Cincinnati 9

2. Oct. 20, 2005, at Cincinnati

No self-loving Packers or Bengals fan will forget this game any time soon. Brett Favre threw five interceptions, got stripped by a Bengals fan, and still almost willed his team to a win.

Favre's five-pick performance wasn't completely out of character considering he was in the middle of one of his worst seasons as a pro.

Not to mention the Bengals had picked off both Daunte Culpepper (Vikings) and Kyle Orton (Bears) five times earlier in the season (the Bengals were the first team since the 1970 Chiefs to have five interceptions in three different games).

The biggest shocker of the game came with under two minutes left in the fourth quarter. As the Packers were driving to tie, Bengals fan Greg Gall ran out of the stands and onto the field. He didn't stop there though, Gall ran right up to Favre and took the ball out of the right hand of the startled superstar.

After Gall gets the ball from Favre, we get an example of how pathetic Mike Brown's scouting department really is: some BENGALS SECURITY GUY who hits harder than Mike Singletary did in his prime, takes Gall down with a blow that made my head and my liver hurt. The security guy should have been signed three hours later, no questions asked.

Anyway, thanks to the smart-thinking fan, the Bengals defense caught a breather and kept Favre and his offensive friends out of the end zone.

Carson Palmer's three touchdown passes would end up being just enough for the win.

Result: Cincinnati 21, Green Bay 14

1. Sept. 20, 1992, at Green Bay

Where did the legend of Brett Favre begin? It all started on a sunny September day in 1992 against the 2-0 Cincinnati Bengals.

Packers fans, this game is the genesis of the Brett Favre bible, the first step in his soon to be Hall-of-Fame career.

This game was also a crossroads for both franchises. The Bengals came into the week three game undefeated, while the Packers were 0-2.

As the game headed into the fourth quarter, 33-year-old rookie Bengals coach Dave Shula looked like a boy genius. He was only minutes away from starting his coaching career 3-0.

On the other sideline was Packers first-year head coach Mike Holmgren. The Packers had gone 4-12 the year before Holmgren's arrival and an 0-3 start just might have been enough to put him on the hot seat.

Fast forward to the fourth quarter.

Bengals kicker Jim Breech nails a 41-yard field goal with 1:11 showing on the clock, his second one of the fourth quarter, and it puts his team up 23-17.

The kick is huge for one reason; if he had missed, the Bengals would have been up 20-17 and a rookie head coach (Holmgren) desperate for his first win would have surely played for a tie.

As it is though, the Packers know they need a touchdown or the games over.

Favre is in an impossible situation (think Davey Crockett at the Alamo, except give the Mexicans three tanks, 12 machine guns and a surface-to-air missile); with 1:07 left, he's on his own eight-yard line with no timeouts knowing he needs a touchdown to win.

Right off the bat, Favre hits Sterling Sharpe for a 42-yard gain that has the cheeseheads at Lambeau going crazy. However, Sharpe would injure himself on the play and have to leave the game.

Undeterred, the Packers run two more plays that advance them to the Bengals 35-yard line. From there... Favre retires for the first time, everyone cheers, the Bengals go 3-0, Holmgren is fired, Boomer Esiason is named best football player ever...

OK, that's not what happened...

From there...

Favre splits the Bengals corner and safety with a 35-yard laser down the right sideline. Kitrick Taylor catches the ball in full stride at the two-yard line and walks into the end zone. Chris Jacke completed the improbable comeback with the PAT. By the way, Favre was making his first hold of the season on the PAT and no one in Lambeau seemed worried that Jacke would miss it, that only happens in Cincinnati.

Even more improbable, Taylor would only catch two passes on the season, one of which was the aforementioned touchdown.

As for Bengals fans, it was a nightmare relived because it wasn't the first time a quarterback finished a 92-yard game-winning drive with a touchdown pass to somebody named Taylor (see Super Bowl XXIII).

This is the game that Dave Shula thinks about before he goes to bed every night.

Post game interview with Brett Favre which is even more priceless because OJ Simpson is in the studio with Bob Costas.

Result: Green Bay 24, Cincinnati 23

Thought Sunday's Loss Was Bad: This is the Cincinnati Bengals, It's Not Even In The Top Five

(The 49ers handed the Bengals three of the most excruciating losses in team history. In two of them, Bill Walsh's [right] 49ers beats Sam Wcyhe's Bengals)

For most NFL fan bases, losing a game on an 87-yard tipped touchdown pass would probably be the low point in franchise history. Not in Cincinnati though. Nightmares happen here more often than on Elm Street.

The truth is that no Cincinnati fan over the age of six actually thought the game was over after Cedric Benson's touchdown.

With :38 seconds left in the game, I swear to David Klingler I had this exact thought,

"I bet Orton throws a high liner for Marshall that Leon Hall tips into the air, it will be caught by Brandon Stokely, who hasn't had a catch all day and he'll scamper 87-yards for a touchdown."

OK, so I didn't think that. I was thinking more along the lines of, "I bet Matt Prater makes a 68-yard field goal left-footed with no shoe on."

Hopefully you get the point here—Bengals fans have very active imaginations when it comes to ways to lose a game.

Anyway, let's get to the five most gut punching losses ever, please get out the puke bucket because your stomach is going to get queasy....

Honorable Mention:

Sept. 19, 1976 at Baltimore 28-27: Maybe the Bengals should just forfeit weeks one and two to make things easier on the fans. In week two of 1976, the Bengals watch their 27-21 lead disappear late in the fourth quarter on a Roosevelt Leaks two-yard touchdown run. Cincinnati would finish 10-4 and out of the playoffs, the Colts would go 11-3 and be the last team in.

Jan. 24, 1982, Super Bowl XVI: The Bengals' first foray into the big game almost turned into embarrassment when they found themselves down 20-0 at halftime. However, the Bengals came within inches of a miraculous third quarter comeback.

On first-and-goal from the one, Cincinnati had four chances to punch the ball in for a touchdown that would have cut the 49er lead to 20-14.

However, this is the Bengals, so we all know what happens. Bengals don't get in, 49ers end up winning 26-21.

Sept. 13, 2009 vs. Broncos 12-7: You know what happened. The immaculate deflection. Lets just say that historically, the Bengals do not respond well to adversity, see the last 18 seasons.

Sept. 12, 1999 vs. Tennessee 36-35: On opening day 1999, the Bengals managed to blow a 35-26 lead in the fourth quarter. Al Del Greco hit the game winner as time trickled down in the game. Tennessee would finish the season one-yard shy of a World Championship, the Bengals would end the year 4-12.

Dec. 31, 2006 vs. Pittsburgh 23-17 OT-Mr. Almost Always Automatic Shayne Graham goes wide on a 39-yard attempt that would have put the Bengals in the playoffs. This wasn't as painful as a week earlier which starts off this list.

5. Dec. 24, 2006 at Denver

99 percent of Bengals fans had a flashback to this game on Sunday. Either you did it when St. Louis crapped out the snap on the first half field goal. Or you kept saying to yourself after Cedric Benson's touchdown, 'they're going to botch the extra point, damnit, I know it.'

We all remember this Christmas Eve classic. St. Louis and holder Kyle Larsen look like they've never held or snapped a ball in their lives. Blah, blah, blah, read this post for the rest of the story. Bottom line this game cost us a playoff spot, Bengals lose 24-23.

4. TIE October 30, 1994 vs. Dallas, October 20, 1996 at San Francisco

I think you'll notice that the 49ers are on this list 17 times. Anyway, in the Dallas game, the 0-8 Bengals are 17-point underdogs to the defending Super Bowl champs. Jeff 'Shake n' Blake comes out firing and hits Darnay Scott with two long touchdown passes (67, 55) as the Bengals shoot out to a 14-0 lead. Um, lets see, how does this game end again. How about Cowboys kicker Chris Boniol hitting a late fourth quarter field goal for a 23-20 Cowboys win.

49ers-Bengals also involves a bomb or two to Darnay Scott. Only this time the Bengals would jump out to a 21-0 lead. Then Steve Young, who, if you believe the announcers, was dying of cancer in the second half, made a miraculous comeback. 49ers win 28-21 with a fourth quarter touchdown, Young is called a hero, a trooper and he probably would have been named Pope if he wasn't mormon. Blah, blah, blah.


3. September 20, 1987 at Cincinnati vs. San Francisco

Former Bengals Kicker Jim Breech is going to love this list because 3 of the 5 losses listed cost him fame, fortune and probably his own Cessna.

In this game that most fans don't remember and pretty much is the equivalent of getting hit in the face with a tire iron, Breech hit four field goals (23, 42, 41, 46) including two in the fourth quarter that gave Cincy a 26-20 lead.

With :06 seconds showing on the clock, the Bengals had the ball on their own 31. Coach Sam Wyche didn't want to risk a blocked punt, so he had running back James Brooks run a sweep. The thought being that the speedy Brooks could run out :06. But this is the Bengals, so we all know that didn't happen.

Brooks loses six yards and is tripped up at the 25-yard line with :02 left. That turns out to be all the time Joe Montana needs to hit Jerry Rice for a game-winning touchdown. Ray Wersching's extra point means the 49ers escape Riverfront with a 27-26 win. If you're looking for a gut punching last second loss where there is no time left on the clock, this is it.

2. September 20, 1992 (Is Sept. 20 cursed, WTF, this game, the 49er game, what the hell is going to happen this Sunday)

I won't go into detail here about this game because on Thursday INSIC will be producing a Bengals-Packers top five games ever. Lets just say Jim Breech hits a 41-yard field goal to give the Bengals a 23-17 lead with 1:11 showing on the clock.

The ensuing kickoff leaves the Pack at their own eight-yard line.

What do the Packers have going against them?

Top receiver Sterling Sharpe goes out two plays into the drive thanks to an injury. Starting quarterback Don Majkowski had already gone down in the first half, so Green Bay needed their backup quarterback (a second-year castoff from Atlanta) to drive them 92 yards, which is the equivalent of putting a homeless guy in a chemistry lab and asking him to cure AIDS.

What do you think happens? It's the Bengals, and it's the game that makes Brett Favre a legend. Packers 24-23.

Even more heartbreaking, the Bengals were 2-0 going into this game. They would finish the season 5-11.

1. I'll let Youtube explain this one.

But lets just say, Jim Breech makes his cameo appearance with 3:16 left in this game when he hits a 40-yard field goal to put the team up 16-13.

Bengals fans get happy.

Bengals fans realize they will probably lose.

Bengals fans knew this was coming, so crying was kept to a minimum.

This link is Montana-to-Taylor only, the above link begins at 3:16 with Breech's field goal.

I say Bengals lose to Packers 12-11 this week, but all of Green Bay's points are scored on safeties.

Oh and in case you're some sort of masochist and you still haven't had enough, here's the clip from number three. Keep in mind, the Bengals were up 26-20 and had the ball with six seconds left. They couldn't run out the clock and the 49ers got the ball back with two seconds left on the Bengals 25-yard line.

Cincinnati Bengals-San Francisco 49ers, 1987

Favre Watch, Day 472: Reports Say Favre Might Play for Every NFL Team This Season

By John Breech/Staff

In what comes as a shock to absolutely no one, Brett Favre announced today that he will attempt to play for all 32 NFL teams during the upcoming 2009 football season. His only stipulation so far is that he must be named the starter for any and all clubs he would play for. Favre, who hates the media and is more emotional than a teenage girl that just saw The Notebook, held a press conference via cell phone text message earlier this afternoon.

Minutes into his press conference, the former Packer legend was insulted when Ed Werder from ESPN sent him a text that read:

“How u going 2 start 4 32 teams n 16 games, math doesn’t add up.”

Favre annoyingly answered Werder’s question by explaining that if he plays one half of football each week for a different team, then his goal would be highly attainable. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell then immediately sent out a mass text to the media elaborating on what was surely going to be the next question:

“Can you legally trade a player at halftime?”

According to Goodell, the answer is yes. However, Goodell did note that if the answer actually isn't 'yes,' he would make it 'yes' as soon 'as humanly possible.'

John Clayton, who was reporting from a trash can on Favre’s driveway, sent in this text:

“2 questions, rumors say you were going 2 Vikings and do u think a 7-year-old girl could take me in a fist fight?”

Favre answered that one with, “Yes, the Vikings were an option, but then I thought, ‘we all know I’m not retiring until I play for all 32 teams except the Lions, so why not just get it over with now.’ So that’s what I’m going to do. And to answer your second question, if the young girl was blindfolded or sleeping, you might have a chance.”

Twelve minutes into the interview, the press conference abruptly ended when Favre changed his mind and decided he didn’t want to have a press conference any more. Seconds after the press conference concluded, Favre reportedly killed his cat because he decided he likes dogs better.

Just like ESPN, Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati will extensively cover every decision Brett Favre makes this offseason, no matter how trivial. As a matter of fact, Chris Mortenson just reported seconds ago that Favre will be eating Kix for breakfast tomorrow morning. Keep reading for the latest updates.