Mick Cronin's Worst Nightmare: All Cincinnati Basketball Fans Are Happy Except for Fans of Cincinnati Basketball

For the last six hours, we here at INSIC have been debating who's having a worse month: Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James or Cincinnati Bearcat head coach Mick Cronin.

James cheated on Bullock with a nazi white supremacist who also happens to be a stripper (pictured below). And no, that is not the plot of a weird porno that we watched last night, it is the actual plot of Sandra Bullock's life.

Think about this for a second, Bullock won an Oscar two weeks ago and now her husband is sleeping with women who have swastika tattoos and are loyal to the third reich, you really can't make that stuff up.

Anyway, that being said, Mick Cronin's life sucks more. To prove it, here is a letter that we obtained this morning. It's a letter from Mick to God that's dated March 1.

Dear God,

Please do not let the following five things happen this month:

1. Don't let my team miss the NCAA tournament.

2. OK, I know we're horrible, and number one is a lot to ask, but if we do miss the tournament, don't let it be because Bob Huggins and his Mountaineers beat us on a bank shot at the buzzer in the Big East tournament.

3. Jesus, if you're sick enough to let number two happen, please do not let Huggins advance to the Sweet 16, you know he used to have my job and everyone in Cincinnati secretly wants him back.

4. Also, please don't let Xavier in the Sweet 16. How am I suppose to get any support at UC if the stupid catholic school across town keeps advancing in the NCAA Tournament.

5. Finally, I know you work miracles, but I've given up on my first request. Instead, when you put us in the NIT, will you not put us anywhere near Dayton, nothing would be more embarrassing than losing to Dayton while watching Xavier and Huggins advance in the NCAA Tournament.

Love,

Mick

Now this brings us to our weekly winner's and loser's list that isn't actually weekly:

Losers: Mick Cronin

Winners: Everyone that is not Mick Cronin (Except for Jesse James).

Big Winners: Cincinnati Basketball fans that aren't fans of Cincinnati basketball (Lets all cheer for Hugs and X to advance to meet in the National Championship) Another big winner, anyone who personally knows 'Denise' from the Taco Bell commercials.

Its Never Sunny in Cincinnati Celebrates Its One Year Anniversary

This blog started one year ago today doing what Cincinnati sports fans do best: making fun of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Sure they have six Super Bowl Championships, but that's offset by the fact that all of their fans smell like beef jerky.

Anyway, back to INSIC. In the past year, we proved that Shayne Graham is on facebook (his people denied his Facebook profile was real, then they said it was and in case you're wondering, he hasn't really been accepting new friend requests since the Jets game) and we were the only web site anywhere to pick the Bengals exact record for the 2009 season (10-6).

Because of our anniversary, we here at INSIC are starting a new series today. From now on, every other Tuesday for the next seven years, we are going to rehash a sporting event in Cincinnati history that will make you throw up the arugula salad that your wife packed you for lunch.

The Reds have been terrible since 1991, the Bengals bad luck has existed since 1968, and even our college teams fail to win national championships.

This horrible span of Cincinnati sports suckiness will be called "The Curse of Stanley Wilson's Drug Dealer."

For those of you that don't know, Stanley Wilson was the starting fullback for the 1988 Bengals. The night before the Super Bowl, Wilson was caught with an amount of cocaine that would make a Colombian drug dealer jealous. How Wilson got that Cocaine? No one knows. Since the NFL doesn't allow crack addicts to play in Super Bowls, Wilson wasn't allowed to play in the game. The Bengals lost by four.

So without further adieu, lets start our new series on why it's never sunny in cincinnati:

First up (Bearcat fans may want to turn their heads):

Location: Memphis, TN

Date: March 2, 2000

Important Moment: Conference USA Tournament Quarterfinals

Most UC fans have repressed this memory. The fans who didn't repress it simply drank to the point of black out which means the alcohol repressed the memory.

What memory are we talking about here?

The one where Kenyon Martin's right leg breaks like a New Orleans water levee during Hurricane Katrina.

UC was a legit contender for the national title during the 1999-2000 season. Going into the month of March, they were no. 1 in the land. However, that all changed three minutes into their conference quarterfinal game against St. Louis.

So what happened to Martin, let's let the Associated Press describe it: Martin was setting a pick when he got tangled up with Saint Louis' Justin Love. Martin's ankle turned underneath him as he fell, tearing several ligaments and then breaking his fibula.

Now, let's make a long story short.

On selection Sunday, the Bearcats became the first top ranked team in the history of college basketball to not get a no. 1 seed for the NCAA tournament. Coach Bob Huggins cried foul, he said his team still deserved a top seed. The Bearcats went out and proved Huggins statement by promptly losing in the second round to seventh seed Tulsa.

Who does INSIC blame?

Mr. and Mrs. Love. If Justin Love's parents had aborted him, Kenyon would have never have broken his leg and the Bearcats would be national champions.

Be sure to check back later this week for our Super Bowl pick and don't miss next Tuesday's reason why It's Never Sunny in Cincinnati.

Bearcats Brian Kelly Has Simple Solution For Next Season: He'll Coach Notre Dame and UC

Two hours before today's Big East showdown against Pitt, Cincinnati head football coach Brian Kelly made a stunning announcement: he plans to coach both Notre Dame AND Cincinnati next season.

In a statement released by the school, Kelly had this to say:

"As most of you have noticed, I am bored. Over the last three seasons I have treated the Big East like Michael Jordan would treat a homeless basketball league. I have absolutely dominated. I've racked up a 32-6 record against inferior competition. Because the competition is so poor, I'm only in the coach's office on UC's campus about three hours per day. So last night I did the math: If I only have to spend three hours a day coaching Cincinnati, this means I could put nine hours a day towards coaching Notre Dame (God knows they need it), I could then put three hours towards the Cincinnati-South Bend commute -which I will make in a blackhawk helicopter that Notre Dame will provide- this would then give me three hours to hang out with my family and six hours to sleep."

Later in his 72 page statement, Kelly took a jab at some past Notre Dame coaches.

"People think that there is a problem in South Bend. There is a problem, it's called horrible coaching. I have more coaching talent in my elbow than Tyrone Willingham or Bob Davie had in their whole body. And Charlie Weis, sweet Mary Magdalene, you give me Tom Brady and the Patriot offense and we would score 72 points a quarter, minimum. My infant son could have coached Notre Dame to nine wins this season and Weis only pulled off six."

When Kelly's statement was released at 10 a.m. this morning, many thought it was a joke. However, Notre Dame Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick confirmed the hiring in this statement released to the media just before 11:30 a.m.

"We've been turned down by Bob Stoops, Urban Meyer and Gary Patterson, so at this point we're in a desperate situation that only Tiger Woods could possibly understand. We told Coach Kelly we would do whatever it takes to get him and at that point, he made a list of three things he wanted:

1. A blackhawk helicopter
2. For me, Jack Swarbrick, to stop referring to myself in the third person
3. To still be able to coach the Bearcats.

Of course we said Yes, no and of course. Coach Kelly will be taking over on Tuesday December 8. He will coach the Bearcats from 9 a.m.-noon as they prepare for their bowl and then he will fly to South Bend to practice with the Irish from 1:30-10:30 p.m.

Thank you, we'll comment further on this next week."