Reds Cuban Missile Aroldis Chapman Launches Tonight at Great American Ball Park

If baseball loving Cuban dictator Fidel Castro wasn't slowly dying every day, there is no way he would have let Aroldis Chapman defect from Cuba. But Castro is dying, so in July 2009, Chapman did what any intelligent, communist hating, million dollar prospect would do: he defected the communist country.

Now, one year and one month after his defection, Chapman will don his Cincinnati Reds uniform for the first time.

Chapman will bring his 105 mph fastball, his tears that cure cancer and his princess backpack (pictured above) to Great American Ball Park tonight as the Reds take on the Brewers.

Lets hope Dusty Baker doesn't pull a Kerry Wood or Mark Prior on Chapman, who last year was labeled the WORLD's best left-handed pitching prospect (P.S. we love to exaggerate here at INSIC, but we're not making that up, scouts were calling him the WORLD's best, not Cuba's best, not North America's best or the Western Hemisphere's best, but the World's. Suck it Japan).

Besides Chapman, the other big pitching story line for the Reds is the return of Aaron Harang.

We like Harang, but.........Lets put this in the nicest terms we can: Harang is washed up, he should have retired last year, Chapman should take his spot in the starting rotation, there were pitchers in the Little League World Series with better arms than Harang.

Harang's stat line tonight will probably look like this: 5 runs, 10 hits, 3 strikeouts. However, since the Reds offense has turned into a bond company this season (they've been bailing their pitchers out all year long), expect Harang to get a no decision instead of a loss.

Now that being said, Harang wasted the brilliant years of his career playing for a sucky Reds team that was under sucky ownership that didn't want to win. On that note, lets hope Harang gets a World Series ring in October so he can retire and stop embarrassing himself.

Obviously, the Cy Young poster of Harang below is from 1998, you know, when he was good.

Bengals Throw $7 Million into Toilet: Officially Release WR Antonio Bryant

In the past two years, in the 'good experiments gone bad' category, Heidi Montag's 13 plastic surgeries were in a class of their own. Now she has some company.

Just after 1 p.m. today the Bengals cut ties with Antonio "I signed in March, never played a down and will still collect $6.95 million" Bryant. If you have trouble understanding things in quotations marks, let us say this again: Antonio Bryant will collect almost $7 million even though he played exactly ZERO regular season games with the team.

Bryant passed a physical before he signed his contract in March, but due to reoccurring knee injury, he was never able to play. What does this mean? It means Dr. Jack Kevorkian has a better track record than the Bengals doctors.

Because we love making lists, here is a list of five things Bengals owner Mike Brown could have spent the $7 million on:

1. Thirteen more plastic surgeries for Heidi Montag.

2. An indoor practice facility (This is reportedly the big hangup in the Marvin Lewis contract negotiations).

3. Seven million Wendy's five piece chicken nuggets which would be 35 million nuggets total which would be enough for every starving child in Somalia (5 million) to have seven nuggets apiece.

4. A line of cocaine on the armrest of every seat in Paul Brown stadium for one game. Or if Mike Brown likes the idea of making money more (which he does), he could have built a meth lab the size of Paul Brown Stadium that could have probably pushed out more drugs than the states of Alabama and Kentucky combined.

5. A Taco Bell franchise.

And to think, just two days ago, Enquirer Bengals beat writer Joe Reedy put together this endearing piece on Bryant.

Bengals Cheerleader That Doesn't Have STD's Wins $11 Million, Only Problem: She Sued the Wrong Company

Back in December, gossip website Thedirty.com received a hot tip that a certain Bengals cheerleader was a walking STD. Thedirty posted a picture of Ben-Gal Sarah Jones and said she had our two personal favorite venereal diseases: chlamydia and gonorrhea.

Now if you didn't take slander 101 in college, here's the deal: publishing false information about people is kind of illegal. So if you accuse a girl of having an STD, she better have one because if she doesn't, she can file a lawsuit. Which pretty much means, unless the guy that runs Thedirty.com is Sarah Jones' gynecologist, he probably shouldn't be writing about her STD situation.

Anyway, Jones did take slander 101 in college, so she sued... and won. Yesterday, she was awarded $11 million (which breaks down like this: $10 million in punitive damages, $1 million in compensatory damages).

With $11 million in the bank, Jones could conceivably quit her day job as a school teacher. On the other hand, lets hope she hasn't turned in those resignation forms just yet.

Now you're probably wondering, "She's a millionaire. Why shouldn't she quit her job, go to Vegas and do cocaine off of Criss Angel's genitals for the rest of her life?"

BECAUSE SHE SUED THE WRONG COMPANY

Here's an interesting tidbit from politico.com: A Kentucky teacher and Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader sued the dirty.com -- or at least she thought she did. U.S. District Court Judge William O. Bertelsman on Wednesday ordered LOS ANGELES-based Dirty World Entertainment Recordings -- which the complaint said operates THEdirt.com -- to pay $11 million for failing to respond to the suit.

The only problem? Thedirty.com, which accused Jones of having 25 STD's, is a Scottsdale, Arizona based company (not Los Angeles based) called Dirty World LLC (not Dirty World Entertainment Recordings).

After the judgement, Jones' lawyer, Eric Deters, told Cincinnati.com, "This California company was brazen, they didn't defend it, they didn't come, they ignored [the case]."

Nik Ritchie, who runs theDirty.com, was probably thinking, "No shit we weren't there, we never got served. You sued some company in California, I'm in Arizona you dumb ass."

Deters, who is now currently the frontrunner for the "shittiest lawyer that ever lawyered" award, had told the media that the case was going to be slam dunk because the defendant didn't respond.

So lets sum this up for you: Bengals cheerleader/Norther Kentucky school teacher Sarah Jones gets accused of having two STD's that she doesn't have. She sues the site that makes the accusations (Thedirty.com), wins $11 million, finds out she sued the wrong site (thedirt.com) and now, she might not get the money.

Lets just all agree, having two STD's would be easier than going through this whole situation.

Finally, you're probably asking yourself, "INSIC, the only way this post could get awesomer is if you can somehow mention Shayne Graham." Done.

This whole thing started in October 2009 when TheDirty alleged that Sarah and Shayne Graham were having an affair. But she called it off after Shayne 'missed the uprights' in bed (Note: there was no affair and we don't even know what 'missing the uprights' means in this context).

Joey Votto Shows Up on Sports Illustrated Cover: Jinxes Everything and Everyone in Cincinnati

Thanks to Joey Votto, every Reds fan, Reds player and Cincinnati Zoo animal is now jinxed for the rest of their lives. And its not just any jinx we're talking about here, its the SI cover jinx.

Sports Illustrated unveiled this week's cover yesterday and guess who was on it? Joey 'I Think I Just Jinxed All of Cincinnati' Votto.

Three hours after the cover was released to America, the SI cover jinx bit the Reds in the ass harder than Marv Albert bites South African teenage sex slaves.

And don't just think that the jinx mildly attacked the Reds last night, it shot them straight in the head. The Reds were Abraham Lincoln sitting at Ford Theater and the jinx straight up John Wilkes Booth-ed them.

Besides the fact that the Reds lost to the Giants 11-2, lets take a look at what else happened.

First up, Cincinnati starter Edinson Volquez didn't even make it out of the FIRST INNING. A drunk David Hasselhoff wearing a diaper on his head could have pitched his way through one inning, Volquez could not.

Secondly, Jim Edmonds had to leave the game because of what the Reds trainers called 'a strained oblique.'

Don't believe that shit for a second though, when the SI cover jinx is involved, its always something worse. Our guess is that what the Reds training staff means by 'strained oblique' is actually cancer and Edmonds will be dead by the end of the week. That's the nature of the jinx people.

Third and finally, Laynce Nix had to leave the game because he got injured running the bases. Do you know how often that happens? Never. Six-year-olds run the bases every Sunday at Great American Ball Park and none of them, NONE OF THEM, ever get injured.

Of course, the second Votto shows up on the SI cover, Laynce Nix sprains his ankle running to first base. And because it's an SI cover jinx injury, there is a 97 percent chance that Nix's sprained left ankle will have to be amputated.

Here's our advice if you're a Reds fan: don't go out in public, don't walk your dog, don't feed your cat, don't shop at Kroger, close your 5/3 account, melt your Graeter's ice cream, burn your skyline chili and for the love of God, don't wear a Bengals jersey, until the jinx has passed. Which will be never.

Oh and one more thing. We should probably point out that when Sports Illustrated puts a guy on their cover, 99.8 percent of the time, there's a story about them inside the magazine. Here's the piece on Votto.

Cardinals TV Announcer Gets DUI; St. Louis Responds by Losing Five Straight Games

(Pictured above is St. Louis Cardinals TV announcer Dan McLaughlin, and yes, we're wondering the same things: Is McLaughlin cross-eyed and drunk, just cross-eyed or just drunk?)

The Cardinals were off last Monday, so St. Louis play-by-play man Dan McLaughlin went out and did what any Fox Sports Midwest announcer would do, he got completely tanked and drove home.

According to St. Louis Today, Fox Sports is going to give McLaughlin Saturday and Sunday off for 'personal reasons.' Allegedly, that personal reason is so that McLaughlin can recover from the hangover that he's been nursing for the last five days.

The Cardinals dedicated every game they played this past week to McLaughlin and ironically enough, they played like they were drunker than him during his DUI arrest as they proceeded to lose each game.

McLaughlin will be back in the booth on Monday when the Cardinals travel to Pittsburgh. St. Louis area authorities have told McLaughlin that he will not have to go to jail since watching the Pirates play for three games is more punishment than any one person should ever have to suffer through.

On an unrelated note, since McLaughlin's DUI on Monday, the Reds have absolutely taken over the National League Central, this is what the standings look like:

1. Cincinnati 71-51

2. St. Louis 65-54, 4.5 games back

3-6 Who Cares

Chad Ochocinco is Out, Chad 'Johnson' is Back

Since we're not a gay porn site, we don't usually run pictures of giant penises.

However, since this giant penis is on a towel and Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco is wearing it, we're going to make an exception today.

If you're thinking to yourself right now, "hold on, whoa, wait a minute, I've seen a towel with a giant penis on it, and it wasn't on a gay cruise ship," we can assure you that you probably did see one and that you're not crazy.

Last year, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia ran an episode about the "Dick Towel." If you want to make waves next time you take your nephews to a neighborhood pool, then you can try and order one here. Or just watch the fake 'Sunny' infomercial.

By the way, the next logical step is obviously the vagina towel, but lets hope everyone agrees not to create the tampon towel.

Oh and it goes without saying that Bengals GM Mike Brown probably loves the fact that the Bengals logo is clearly visible in the background of Ocho's picture.

Rey Maualuga Avoids Suspension for January DUI; Ochocinco will Pee in Cup Today

Driving drunk in a car with underage girls is every guys dream. The only problem with this dream is that its frowned upon by the general public and illegal in most states (We don't have time to research any state laws, but we're guessing that it's not frowned upon or illegal in the following states: Kentucky, West Virginia, Georgia and probably Louisiana).

It turns out Bengals LB Rey Maualuga may have lucked out last January when he was nabbed for DUI, mainly, because he was arrested in Kentucky, one of the aforementioned states where sleeping with 14-year-olds is encouraged.

What does this mean?

It means that when Rey-Rey was arrested, he wasn't charged with getting an underage girl drunk, he was only charged with DUI (reports are that his BAC was .157). Officers could have also charged him with a 'Crime against Humanity' for driving a Pontiac Sunfire, but instead, they showed mercy.

Maualuga put the incident behind him last February when he pled guilty to his DUI charge, however it wasn't until today that the NFL finally weighed in on whether or not he would be suspended.

Roger Goodell and the NFL formally recognized today that it's incredibly hard to pickup hot high school tail at a bar. Maualuga's mad pickup skills were rewarded as the NFL has decided to NOT suspend him for his January DUI. The former USC star will have to forfeit two game checks (Meaning he's out about $46,500).

Would you leave a bar drunk with the 18-year-old girl pictured below? Maualuga did. By the way, in case you can't tell, the picture is courtesy of Sports by Brooks.

The Bengals have now lucked out twice this offseason, as Cedric Benson also went unsuspended for his June arrest. Although in Benson's defense, he was punched in the face, didn't retaliate at all and then arrested a month after the alleged incident.

Ochocinco Getting Drug Tested Today

Unless testing positive for McDonald's can garner a 4-game suspension, its probably a safe bet that the Ocho will pass his random drug test.

By the way, if anyone from Dial is reading this, you're sitting on a God Damn gold mine, look at the top of Chad's locker, its already stocked with a season's supply of Dial body wash and the season hasn't even started.