Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

By John Breech

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing coke lines with Charlie Sheen again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a box of slightly used condoms."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 – there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers and sex: drunk sex, sober sex, ear sex, chocolate flower sex -- it can all be done on the 14th.

Now why can it call be done on the 14th? Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, a throat lozenge; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup in that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14^th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like Mort Goldman, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.

Not being related to John Candy can get you
 laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in a Waffle House bathroom.

Examples of other famous people you can say you're 'related' to are: Hosni Mubarek, Dennis Hopper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. That show is torture, I would rather have feline AIDS than watch it.

Knowing two Lady Gaga songs is enough to get a
single guy laid on Valentine's Day. 

Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know the words to at least two Lady Gaga songs, you’re as good as laid.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's illegal B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.

John Breech would like to say hi to his mom. 

Carson Palmer Goes Brady Quinn/Jay Cutler on Bengals Fans; Getting Ready to Put Indian Hill Residence Up for Sale

(Carson Palmer and his wife Shaelyn [left] are packing their bags and getting ready to leave town)

It looks like Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer is doing something that no self respecting football player has ever done: that being, acting like Brady Quinn and Jay Cutler. Back in October of 2009, Quinn put his Cleveland area house on the market after Derek Anderson was named the Browns starter.

Brady Quinn doesn't have Myspace...
or a starting job in the NFL.

Quinn made it clear he wasn't interested in being a backup (which is ironic because that's exactly what he did in Denver once he got traded there), so he told the Browns to trade him. The Browns told Quinn to F-off, which is a common thing to say to Quinn -- however, the Browns secretly shopped Quinn around, before pulling off the trade of the year: Quinn for Denver Broncos running back Peyton Hillis.

Former Denver quarterback Jay Cutler actually invented the "I'll force a trade by putting my house up for sale" strategy in March 2009, when, you guessed it, he tried to force a trade by putting his house up for sale. The ploy worked, to some extent, when Cutler was traded to the Bears. However, the trade could also be labeled a failure because had he not been traded to the Bears, he never would have played in the NFC Championship game and therefore never would have been labeled "the biggest vagina that ever played in an NFL football game."

So now it looks like Palmer is going the house selling route too.

Earlier this morning, WCPO in Cincinnati reported that Palmer has officially gone Cutler/Quinn on Bengals fans: he's scheduled to put his home up for sale in March. In the story -- by Ch. 9's Dennis Janson -- Janson interviews an Indian Hill real estate agent who spoke with Palmer today. The agent's opinion of the quarterback after talking to Palmer "He's not coming back."

Palmer lives in Indian Hill and ironically enough, his house is less than five miles away from Mike Brown's palace. They probably hang out all the time.

By the way, INSIC is back, so be sure to check in every day or once a week or at least twice a month.

Is Nike Going to Completely Redesign the Cincinnati Bengals Uniforms? No, but Someone Went Through A Lot of Trouble to Convince you Otherwise

Are these the Bengals new jersey's? Lets pray to Paul Brown that they're not. 

In case you haven't heard, back in October, the NFL announced that Nike will start manufacturing NFL jersey's beginning in 2012. So that jersey you're wearing now, you should just set it on fire because it will be worthless and outdated in two years.

The NFL puts the jersey rights up to bid every few years and Nike, who has a bank account with 77 Bajilliion, million, Bill Gatesillion dollars in it, outbid Reebok for the rights to produce the jerseys.

If you've ever watched an Oregon football game, then you know that Nike designing anything uniform related is a horrible idea. How horrible of an idea is it, it's on par with letting a hungry lion babysit your 9-month old baby.

Anyway, shortly after the Nike-jersey announcement was made, Nike Executive Charlie Denson was quoted as saying that Nike planned on "changing the NFL jersey dramatically, just like we've done with college programs."

Earlier today, a crazy NFL fan with 48 free hours on his hands scared the shit out of every on the internet when he released 32 sketches. The jersey sketches were reported to be leaked from Nike and they were reported to be the jersey that each team will be wearing in 2012.

However, Nike denies that they would sketch something so ugly and they say they have nothing to do with the jersey images that showed up on the internet this morning.

Apparently a fan took it upon himself to design new uniforms for all 32 NFL teams. Now there's crazy (locking your neighbor's cat in a closet without food or water for nine days) and then there's crazy -- wasting three days of your life designing 32 NFL uniforms that are arguably uglier than Joan Rivers plastic-surgery botched, impossible to look at face (Seriously, we dare you to try and stare at that face for more than 30 seconds).

If you want to see all 32 designs, go here. If you ate Count Chocula for breakfast this morning and now have no more and are currently wondering where you can get more, go here. 

Oh and for some reason, even though we're a Cincinnati blog, half of our readers are Pittsburgh fans, so here's a picture of the Steelers sketch.

It is not known if the Steelers pants will have a hole in the crotch so that Ben Roethlisberger won't even have to take them off when he sexually assaults 19-year-old girls. 

Will the Bengals Win Another Game This Season? INSIC Says No... Wait, No, We Say Yes

(Editor's Note: For all 31 of you out there wondering why we haven't updated the site for two weeks, here's the story: INSIC founder John Breech was dumped by his girlfriend. He's grieving like a 6-year-old that just watched his first stuffed animal get accidentally set on fire. He has spent the last 13 days sitting in a sandbox sculpting what we think is a life size replica of Paul Brown Stadium, however, the sculpture is so bad, it is very possible that he's sculpting a giant taco and not a stadium at all. Hopefully we'll have pictures. There, now lets get to today's post.)

The most common thing we've heard over the past 24 hours is that the sky is falling on the Bengals season. Well, we're here to tell you it's not falling. It has already fallen. It has smashed everybody into an unsightly bloody pulp that only the Jigsaw killer from the Saw movies could appreciate.

So the logical next question is: should you drown yourself in a bathtub full of cat reproductive fluid? No.

The next question after that is: will the Bengals win another game this season? And to that, we say, we hope so, because if they don't, we're setting Breech's sandbox on fire with him still in it.

Anyway, if you're trying to plan your next few football viewing Sundays based on the probability of seeing a Bengals win, then read on, we'll tell you when they're going to win next.

Nov. 14, At Indianapolis: The Bengals have not beat the Colts since 1937. The odds of the Bengals winning this Sunday are about the same as Tiger Woods getting a phone call from his ex-wife asking him if he wants to be in a threesome with her, her twin sister and a putter shaped dildo. And yes, the putter shaped dildo industry paid us handsomely for that plug.

Nov. 21 Buffalo: The Bills are one of three teams in the league with a worse record than the Bengals. That's right, there are actually three teams in the league that have successfully outsucked the Bengals (Carolina, Buffalo and of course Dallas). The Bills are led by Ryan Fitzpatrick. Bengals fans, you remember him, he's the one that single-handedly torpedoed the Bengals 2008 season. Apparently the Bills aren't aware of the fact that letting Fitzpatrick run your offense is like handing over the keys of your Ferrari to a drunken, coked-addicted 9-year-old. Coincidentally, Buffalo is the only city in the country where you might find a drunken, coked-addicted 9-year old. In less vague terms: you should watch football on November 21 because the Bengals will beat Buffalo.


Wow, we go two weeks without posting, then we comeback with a short and crappy 200 word spot where we only predict that the Bengals are going to beat the Bills -- pathetic -- we'll try harder next time. Or maybe we'll give the same amount of effort that Ochocinco gave in the fourth quarter of the Steelers game on Monday. One or the other.

Game Over for Pac-Man: Bengals Adam Jones Out for Season

Just when it looked like the Bengals season couldn't get any worse, Jason LaCanfora of the NFL Network goes and tweets this at 3:40 p.m. today: Adam "Pac Man" Jones out for season with a neck injury. Tough blow for him and the Bengals. He has been excelling on field and off


We're keeping our fingers crossed that a Japanese computer hacker broke into LaCanfora's account and tweeted these horrible lies. However, that is highly unlikely, which means LaCanfora's tweet is accurate, which means Pac Man is out for the season.


It looks like Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde have claimed another victim. 

What did Jones do this season on defense for the Bengals? How about 13 tackles, one interception, a forced fumble, two fumble recoveries and a touchdown.

So basically, the Bengals bad defense just got worse.

Finally, there is one minor bright spot for everyone out there who was wondering why Daniel Coats is on the team. That bright spot: he is no longer on the team. The Bengals released the "tight end" today and we're putting tight end in quotes because calling Coats a tight end is like calling a dog a rabbit, it makes no sense at all.

If Ochocinco and Deion Sanders Daughter Reproduced, the Baby Would Win the Heisman Before it was in Preschool

Ninety-seven percent of NFL players agree, there's only three ways to get over a tough loss:

1. Go to a strip club and stare at boobs for 15 hours. If there are no strip clubs around, then find the nearest senior citizens home and stare at old lady boobs, which are almost as nice.

2. Smoke a quarter-pound of marijuana*

*= If Randy Moss isn't on your team, you probably will not have access to a quarter-pound of marijuana, in which case an eighth will do.

and of course, let us not forget number three:

3. Take a picture with a semi-famous hot chick who happens to be related to Deion Sanders.

Because Ocho hates boobs and weed, he went with option number three to get over Sunday's loss to the Falcons: Yup, that's Ochocinco and Deion's daughter in the picture at the top of the page.

If you're an NFL owner reading this and you find out these two are having a baby, it would probably be in your best interests to sign the kid to a 91-year, $4-billion contract. That is, unless the baby is a girl because then it would only be athletic enough to play for the Bills.

Because we haven't posted in a week, we're including a bonus picture of Deiondra in a bikini. You're welcome. Oh and we are not messing with you at all, her name is Deiondra. Apparently Deion Sanders only knows eight letters of the alphabet, that or he hates his daughter.

(If you're one of the six Bengals fans that reads mediatakeout.com, then you may have heard that Ocho and Deiondra went out on a date after Sunday's game. However, unless they had a 15-minute Big Mac date at McDonald's --which is possible, because this is Chad we're talking about after all-- the date didn't happen. Chad left the locker room about an hour after the game (when this picture was taken) and was on a plane back to Cincinnati about 90 minutes after that.)

What Did Ochocinco Send to Atlanta Falcons's DB's? Intimidating Looking T-Shirts that Aren't Intimidating at All

In between breaking stories about Jersey Shore's J-Woww and Lindsay Lohan's dad, TMZ.com took some time yesterday to break the news on a story that's actually not about douche bags (that is, unless you consider everyone in the Falcons defensive backfield douche bags).

Just after midnight last night, TMZ answered the question that 11 percent of Bengals fans have been asking themselves since Monday: What did Ochocinco send the Falcons DB's?

The answer: lame t-shirts.

In 2004, Ocho sent the Cleveland Browns Pepto Bismol. Chad said the Pepto was to help the Browns because they were going to get 'sick to their stomach' trying to cover him. Also, no one likes diarrhea on a football field, so this was successful in two ways.

Last year, Chad sent the Ravens DB's deodorant, so they wouldn't 'sweat' covering him. This was also a great idea, except that no one in the city of Baltimore wears deodorant, so they didn't exactly get the joke.

Lets ranks Chad's gift giving:

1. Pepto Bismol
2. Deodorant
763. Mad Chad T-shirt

If you've never seen the Mad Chad logo, then you obviously don't own Chad's iPhone app.

In other news: Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee got really drunk last night and this girl really hates college.