Bengals-Eagles Tie Explained by Vanessa Minnillo's 2008 Halloween Costume

After 11 months of exhaustive research, INSIC has finally found the culprit for what many football experts have termed, 'The game that was more disturbing than a cleft lipped child.'

Our research takes us back to Halloween 2008 when Nick Lachey's girlfriend, Vanessa Minnillo, thought it would be cute if her and her fat ugly friend Donovan Mcnabb went out on the town dressed as NFL quarterbacks. Vanessa, being attractive and smart, decided to be Carson Palmer. The other retard decided to be Donovan McNabb.

Two weeks later, the Bengals would tie the Eagles in a game that was more torture than a botched execution.

Bengals fans, lets pray to Paul Brown that Vanessa and her friend aren't Carson Palmer and Ben Roethlisberger this year.

INSIC is Drunk with Knowledge

Six hours ago, Its Never Sunny In Cincinnati was the most technologically inept web site in existence. To put this in perspective, the blogs 'Babies for Obama' and 'Amish People Against the Internet' both had more know-how than we did.

Not any more though. After a quick and easy tutorial on how to embed videos, we're embedding anything and everything (As opposed to bedding anything and everything, which most of you will be trying to do Halloween night).

First up, we gave you the 24 season 8 preview. Now, we're giving you the Bengals Chad Ochocinco, who appeared on ESPN's 'First Take' this morning.

The female in between Ocho and Skip Bayless is 'First Take' host Dana Jacobsen (pictured). She once got kicked out of a 'roast' for being too drunk. Read that again. Unless you're showing your breasts to small children, there is no reason to ever be kicked out of a roast.

Both videos can be found in the posts below.

Ochocinco Visits ESPN To Talk Bengals Football: Skip Bayless' Voice Will Hurt Your Ears

Jack Bauer is Back: Fox Offers First Preview of 24 Season 8

Bengals Remaining Schedule Spells Playoffs In Four Different Languages

Five and a half months ago, the brilliant minds at INSIC (read: John Breech) put together this AFC North preview.

In case you're too lazy to click on it, John had the teams finishing like this:

Pittsburgh 12-4
Cincinnati 10-6
Baltimore 8-8
Cleveland 6-10, 4-12 (He predicted 6 wins, but then he couldn't find six wins on Cleveland's schedule, so a day later, he lowered the prediction to four).


Now that the Bengals are headed into the bye week, it's time to do two things: 1. pat John on the back for being so smart 2. Predict the rest of the schedule.

Before we look at the Bengals nine remaining games, we have some good news and we have some bad news.

The Good News: Marvin Lewis has a 15-9-1 career record in November.

The Bad News: Lewis is 1-4-1 coming off of a bye week. Although there is a silver lining to the bad news as the one win just happened to come in 2003 against... you guessed it... the same team the Bengals play coming off the bye this year, the Ravens.

So are the Bengals going to make the playoffs, do they have any shot at the Super Bowl, lets find out. (By the way, does the Super Bowl logo at right look orange black to anyone else, is this a good thing, can the Bengals just have the Lombardi Trophy now?)


November 8 and 15: Ravens and Steelers. These two games are lumped together for one reason, the Bengals are not going to lose both of them. Dustin Diamond will win an Academy Award for playing Screech Powers before the Bengals lose both of these games. This team is too good to lose two games in a row. Will they lose to the Steelers? Maybe. Will they lose to the Ravens? Possibly, but they will not lose to both of these teams. Record on November 16: 6-3.

November 22: Bengals at Raiders. The problem for the Raiders is that if Helen Keller were still alive and they signed her, she would be an upgrade at quarterback. Bengals improve to 7-3.

November 29: Browns at Bengals. If Browns coach Eric Mangini was a hostage negotiator, everyone would be dead in under three minutes. Bengals up their record to 8-3.

December 6: Lions at Bengals. Raise your hand if you know when the Lions last beat the Bengals. We'll give you a hint, Barry Sanders scored a touchdown and Beverly Hills 90210 was our favorite show on TV. If you guessed November 22, 1992, slap your self for knowing too much. Bengals claw their way to 9-3.

December 13: Bengals at Vikings. The blog will be live from this game. Brett Favre should be just injured enough by this time to be absolutely useless (just ask the 2008 Jets). Bengals hold All-Day Adrian Peterson to 68 yards and improve to 10-3.

December 20: Bengals at Chargers. Putting the Bengals on the west coast is like putting a mail bomb in Ted Kaczynski's hands and asking him not to blow anyone up. The Chargers are always desperate for a win by this point in the season. Bengals fall to 10-4.

December 27: Chiefs at Bengals. Larry Johnson is a fag. Well actually he called someone that and now he probably won't be playing football the rest of the season, but you have to admit, that's a pretty cool way he's wearing his hat in the picture below. Bengals win and improve to 11-4.

January 3: Bengals at Jets. It's the last regular season game ever at the Meadowlands. If the Bengals can't improve their playoff positioning and this game has no meaning, then they're going to lose. It's that simple. Lets drop them to 11-5.

Steelers are going to go 12-4 or 11-5, Ravens are going 9-7 or 8-8 and the Browns, who blow more than a 3-year-old playing with bubbles, will go 3-13.

Here's how John ended the blog back in May, so let's do it again:

I implore Bengals fans to buy playoff ticket vouchers now. Forget paying rent this month (sorry Preston); I’ll be snatching up about 17 of those bad boys. Ladies and Gentleman, you’re 2009 AFC North.

Bye, Bye, Bye: Bengals Head into Bye Week on Roll After Euthanizing Bears

If you're one of those people that likes to take a shot of whiskey every time the Bengals score a touchdown, then your blackout from Sunday probably just ended today. If you're one of those people that likes to take a shot every time the Bengals score a point, then your probably reading this from the emergency room of your local hospital.
(The Bear at right was pictured throwing up in a trash can after watching Jay Cutler's performance Sunday)
The 45-10 win over the Bears was exciting, but it now brings upon us what should be the two most dreaded words in a Bengals fan's vernacular: 'Bye Week.'


Most people attribute the Bengals lack of success over the past 19 years to Owner Mike Brown, I say shut your mouth before I smack you, because that's just not true. The real culprit: the bye week.

Since the NFL instituted the mandatory week off back in 1990 the Bengals have gone 4-15-1 following the bye. Only Kevin Costner has had less success in the same time period (Seriously Kevin: Waterworld, Swing Vote, Open Range, The Postman. Is your agent illiterate, do you have an agent? Who the hell is picking out your scripts?)

Here's a quick look at the Bengals record going into the bye week since 1990:

1990: 5-4 (TYOTLPW or as most Bengals fans know it, 'The Year of the Last Playoff Win')
1991: 0-4
1992: 2-2 (If it weren't for Brett "F*cking' Favre, the Bengals would have been 3-1 and maybe Dave Shula looks like the best coaching hire in NFL history. I blame Brett Favre for everything from Global warming to the unemployment rate in Detroit)
1993: 0-4, 0-7 (Someone in the NFL offices was smoking a lot of pot prior to the 1993 season, that's the only way to explain why anyone would think two byes in one season would be a good idea. Free hand grenades for homeless people would be a better idea than two byes)
1994: 0-5
1995: 2-4
1996: 1-2
1997: 1-1
1998: 1-3 (Secretly, this is my favorite non-playoff season ever. You're probably thinking, "John, the Bengals went 3-13, I'd rather watch a porn starring Susan Boyle than talk about this season." To that I say, "The Bengals may have gone 3-13, but lets break that down. 2-0 against the Steelers, 1-13 against everyone else. Take that Pittsburgh, put that in your steel city poop pipe")
1999: 4-10
2000: 0-0 (The NFL got so pissed at Mike Brown's ineptitude that they gave the Bengals a week one bye. What in the name of Jeff Query are you supposed to do with an opening week bye?)
2001: 4-3 (It only took a decade, but the Bengals finally go into a bye week over .500. How did they respond? By losing the next 7 games after the bye and finishing 6-10.)
2002: 0-6
2003: 1-4
2004: 1-3
2005: 7-2
2006: 3-1
2007: 1-3
2008: 1-8
2009: 5-2

What does all of this mean? Absolutely nothing. Tomorrow, INSIC will go game by game down the Bengals remaining schedule and predict the outcome of each contest, after we do that, you'll know why Chad's smile is so big in the picture at the bottom of the page.

On a semi-related note, if you stopped watching Letterman because he was having sex with anything that wasn't stapled down in his office (or maybe you stopped watching because he's not funny), you may want to catch his show this Thursday because Ochocinco is going to be a guest.

Cincinnati Bengals Owner Mike Brown Proves He's Not Cheap by Sending INSIC to Atlanta to Scout the Bears

By john breech

It was 7:17 p.m. Sunday evening when the phone call came, it was Bengals owner Mike Brown and he was frantic.

Mike Brown: John, our head scout/only scout Greg Seamon is on vacation. Well, actually, I furloughed him, but that's beside the point, I need a big favor from you.

John: Let me guess, you forgot to DVR 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' again and you want me to tell you what happened.

Mike Brown: No, well yes, wait, I guess I need two favors. First, I need you to tell me what happened on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I heard former Falcon Ed Hartwell is trying to make a comeback, based on the three minutes he was in the episode, do you think he could play tight end for us?

John: No, he's a linebacker. And no I don't think he could play linebacker for us either.

Mike Brown: Whatever, I didn't like him anyway. Favor number two: can you get to the Georgia Dome for tonight's Chicago-Atlanta game and chart every Bears play. Then afterward, can you break down the film and send coach Lewis a detailed 76-page assessment of the Bears offense. It would really help the team out.

John: Sure Mr. Brown, you know I'd do anything for the Bengals. Do you have a press pass waiting for me or should I pick the tickets up at will call?

Mike Brown: Ha, Ha, you definitely have your dad's sense of humor. Come on John, the game is obviously sold out, it's Sunday night. Check stubhub for tickets and remember, we'll reimburse you 12 cents for every $3.00 you spend. Which is three more cents then we were giving Seamon before I furloughed him.

John: I don't know if that seems fair... I mean I would only get reimbursed four dollars if I bought a hundred dollar ticket.

Mike Brown: The answer to that is simple: buy a fifty dollar ticket. John, you have a lot to learn about being a thrifty businessman.

Mike hangs up, three seconds later, I get a text message: Don't forget 2 go 2 game, starts in 1 hr, plz also do asesmnt of Bear dfense, only need 63 pgs 4 that- Katie B. (dad doesn't text)

On the way to the game I discover three things: Everyone tailgates on the publicly provided train, the state's department of health does not recommend drinking tap water at the Georgia dome and all the Bears fans in Atlanta are black (When I found the two white Bears fans pictured below, I felt like I re-discovered a previously extinct species. Black Bears fans are picture above).



Finally after thoroughly scouting the Bears offense (which includes the video below) I think it's safe to say that as long as Matt Forte and Jay Cutler are playing this week, the Bengals are going to win by 26. Call your bookie right now or dial up your Uncle if he takes bets. In case the video is too grainy for you, it shows Dr. Fumble Matt Forte coughing one up at the goal line.