2011 NFL Draft Preview: Its Not Earth Day, but Look for Bengals to go Green

Finally, its here, the INSIC Mock Draft that's not actually a Mock Draft because we're only going to tell you who the Bengals are going to pick.

Forget Mel Kiper, Mike Mayock, Don Banks or Todd 'really gay' McShay, if you want to know who the Bengals are going to draft tonight, grab a glass of the cheapest whiskey you can find and read on. If you don't like whiskey, then you're obviously not a Bengals fan. As everyone knows, thanks to 20 years of suckiness, all Bengals fans are alcoholics who love whiskey... and vodka and gin and tequila and anything else that blacks out memories of Bengal Sundays. 

If you really want to know if you're a Bengals fan, then ask yourself these two questions: am I an alcoholic? Do I love whiskey... and gin and vodka and tequila? If you did not answer "Yes" to these questions, you are not a Bengals fan. 

Anyway, lets move on. 

Most experts like to point at a teams 'needs' when they're trying to figure out who a certain team is going to draft. We like to point at naked pictures of women, because basically with the Bengals, pointing at team 'needs' does nothing for you, there's a 90 percent chance the pick will be a bust -- and we're not talking about a Hall-of-Fame bust in Canton. 

Before we tell you who the Bengals are going to blow their first round pick on this year, lets look at their current situation: 

Carson Palmer is confused about where he'll be playing next year. 

First, lets be clear about something: the Bengals have a quarterback under contract. His name is Carson Palmer. Carson Palmer has taken the Bengals to the playoffs two more times in the past 20 years then the 10 starting quarterbacks that came before him (free used heroin needles if you can name all 10 starting quarterbacks since 1992 and Boomer doesn't count). 

So technically, the Bengals don't need a QB. If they draft one tonight with pick No. 4, it means Marvin Lewis is wearing the pants in the draft room, but we all know he's not, Mike Brown is. i.e. Marvin knows Carson would rather set his genitals on fire than play for the Bengals, Mike Brown doesn't care. Brown would play Palmer even if his genitals were on fire. 

If the Bengals do draft a QB, look for it to happen in the second round or possibly later in the first round if they trade down. 

You don't think Mike Brown is awesome? Well think again.
Not every second round draft pick gets a Chuck E. Cheese
gift certificate as a signing bonus. Ray Maualuga did in 2009. 

Now lets talk about defense. The Bengals defense sucked in 2010. And by suck, we mean watching them was more painful then having all of your teeth knocked out by a drunk donkey who kicks you in the mouth with its hind legs. Drunk donkeys are dangerous, which is why you should never give donkey's alcohol. 

Drunk donkey's aside, there is a point here: if the Bengals draft a defensive player, no one at INSIC will be mad. 

Someone at ESPN horribly screwed up this graphic, the words "Bengals" and "Draft Party"
should never be in the same sentence. Unless of course, that sentence is "I drank a lot of
DRAFT beer at a PARTY and then blacked out because I'm an alcoholic BENGALS fan."

So who will the Bengals pick? 

Rumor has it that a certain University of Georgia receiver has been praying every night that he doesn't get drafted by the Bengals, his name: A.J. Green. Well A.J., god works in mysterious ways, sometimes condoms rip, sometimes they don't. For A.J. Green, the condom will rip tonight, the Bengals will draft him. 

If you're on Twitter, feel free to send your condolences his way after the Bengals pick him tonight. 

Out at Second! Mike Leake Caught Stealing (From Downtown Cincinnati Macy's)

"Who's going to be at the ballpark tonight?" Probably not Mike Leake because he's in jail. 

We understand that you might not believe the next sentence you read, but we're going to write it anyway.

Did Pac Man Jones frame Mike Leake?
INSIC asks the tough questions. 

A Cincinnati pro sports player was arrested today for doing something criminal and it WASN'T a Bengal. Seriously, it wasn't a Bengal. It was Reds pitcher Mike Leake (and no it wasn't Pac-Man Jones trying to frame Leake by wearing a Mike Leake jersey. Jesus, that wouldn't even work, they're not even the same color.)

Anyway, here's the arrest report.  

Apparently Leake decided to pull a Winona Ryder when he tried to walk out of Macy's with some clothing that he didn't exactly pay for.  The second year pitcher grabbed six American Rag t-shirts off the rack (street value: $59.88), tore off the security tags and then proceeded to walk out of the store. In most states, including Ohio, this is known as stealing.

Since stealing is illegal, police were forced to arrest Leake. At 2:32 p.m. today, the pitcher was booked into the Hamilton County Justice Center. At 3:20 p.m., he was already tweeting about the incident, he wants to know who will be at the ballpark tonight. Lets all agree that there's a 95 percent chance Leake won't be.

Mike Leake's mugshot.

Somewhere, Peter Warrick is smiling (if Peter Warrick references aren't your thing, lets just say he used to play for the Bengals and he too once stole from Macy's).

Also, Macy's hasn't announced it, but if the wheels are turning in the PR Department, the store will be handing out $59.88 gift cards to the first 1,000 fans at tonights game.

Oh and in case you're wondering, Leake's salary this year is $425,000. Meaning he could have bought the six shirts, then bought six prostitutes to put the shirts on, then bought each prostitute their own 8-ball of coke and then still had money left for the penicillin he'd have to buy to cure the STD's the hookers give him.

Reds Opening Day 2011: Sorry Jacksonville, Milwaukee is Now the Jorts Capital of the U.S.

If the song YMCA is played at today's game, there's a 96 percent chance these
guys will be leading the choreography. 

Alright Reds fans who can't be at the game today, you're in luck. INSIC is stalking Twitter to bring you the best images from Opening Day.

If you missed the beginning of the game, Edinson Volquez is in playoff form. He gave up back-to-back home runs in the top of the first.

If Volquez's failures brought you to tears, hopefully the picture at the top of the page will make you thrilled that you weren't alive in the 70's and/or don't live in Milwaukee. Both are good things.

Oh and on a non 'Edinson Volquez is horrible' related note, we have an Opening Day tidbit to pass along: an INSIC source has learned that Pete Rose was not banned from baseball because of gambling, he was banned because he has worse taste in clothing than Craig Sager. We think Rose stole the coat below from Kramer who took it from the set of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Gambling didn't get Pete Rose banned from baseball, his
horrible taste in clothing did.

*Update* Several women have emailed us saying they want to see some 'leg' from these Brewers fans. Well ladies, you're in luck, someone at the game is sitting behind them and he got lots of leg in this picture.

INSIC is a family blog and this picture is more graphic than some soft core
pornos, but we're going to run it anyway. 

*Update* Volquez is getting lit up like a porn star in Charlie Sheen's guest house. The Reds trail 5-2 in the fifth inning after a homer by Milwaukee's Ryan Braun. But worry not Reds fans, the force is strong within this team.

"Win, the Reds must," -Yoda

*Update* The first order of business in tomorrow's Cincinnati city council meeting needs to be getting a 24-kt gold Ramon Hernandez statue built. The dude just went 4-for-5 including a walk-off 3-run home run to give the Reds a 7-6 Opening Day win over Milwaukee.

INSIC thinks the Reds need to go 162-0 and win all of their games on walk-off
home runs. 

Mr. Redlegs + March Madness + St. Patrick's Day = One Drunk Mascot

Mr. Redlegs got to the bar at 6 a.m. this morning proving that everyone in
Cincinnati, is in fact, an alcoholic. Oh and ladies, we talked to Mr. Redlegs,
he would like you to know that mustache rides are not free.

In America, there are more St. Patrick's Day traditions then there are mixed raced babies in Kansas.

Is this a picture of bangers and mash or
is cooked Donkey penis a new St.
Patrick's Day tradition. You Decide!

On the food side of things, there's Bangers and Mash, Corned Beef and Cabbage and of course there's that thing that looks like a frat house toilet bowl that hasn't been cleaned in eight months: Shepherd's Pie.

On the beer side of things, Guiness, Harp and Green Bud Light are always popular. However, it's probably in your best interests not to order Green Miller Lite though, because if you do those stuck up stereotyping, profiling, bartending snobs in the Miller Lite commercials won't serve you.



On the other hand, if you're not into St. Patrick's Day beer or food, there's one tradition that's a little less known but still fun to partake in: drunk mascot sex. If you've never had drunk mascot sex on St. Patrick's Day, then technically you're still a virgin. And as everyone knows, being a virgin sucks, which is why, we are here to tell you how to score with a mascot tonight.

The secret to scoring with a mascot tonight: Find Mr. Redlegs, he was at a bar this MORNING, he is getting drunker by the second and by the time the Bearcat game tips off at 9:50 tonight, there's a good chance he'll be ready to have a 12-some with anyone over the age of 10.

And remember, if you do find Mr. Redlegs: drunk mascot sex is OK, drunk mascot rape is not.

Happy St. Patrick's/You might actually lose your virginity for real Day from INSIC.

By the way, in case you're wondering who to gamble your rent money on this afternoon, we like: Clemson, Old Dominion, Louisville, Temple, Kentucky, Pitt and Richmond. If you get drunk enough, feel free to make it an 7-team parlay.

Reds Will Be Honoring Their Biggest Fan on Opening Day: Charlie Sheen Will Throw Out First Pitch, Base Paths Will be Lined with Cocaine

Charlie Sheen posing with 90's coke partners: 90210's Dylan and Brandon.

Cincinnati Reds Press Release: Opening Day 2011

The Cincinnati Reds would like to announce that for Opening Day 2011, they will be honoring their biggest fan: Charlie Sheen.

"The Cincinnati Reds theme for the 2011 season is 'winning," Reds General Manager Walt Jocketty says. "Over the past six days, Charlie Sheen has made it pretty clear that he's only about 'winning, so we felt honoring him was a pretty logical move for the Cincinnati Reds. Not to mention, Charlie's from Dayton and he's been a huge Reds fan his whole life."

Sheen didn't take the no-hit playoff loss to the Phillies lightly he did
14 lines of coke and had one of the Goddesses give him a blumpkin. 

Jocketty says the team approached Sheen last Monday about throwing out the ceremonial first pitch and Sheen gladly accepted, but with one caveat: he wanted Great American Ball Park to serve tiger's blood instead of beer on Opening Day.

"Look, no one's denying that Charlie has tiger's blood in his veins and no one's denying that tiger's blood is a tasty substitute for beer, but the fact of the matter is that tiger's are an endangered species. The Reds organization didn't feel like we could get the amount of tiger's blood we would need to serve 45,000 thirsty fans, so we compromised with Charlie." Jocketty says.

Krivsky says that instead of tiger's blood, the team will line the base paths with cocaine. Major League Baseball approved the cocaine base paths, but only for Opening Day.

According to the Reds, it will take 900 pounds of cocaine
to line the base paths for Opening Day.

"The cocaine thing almost didn't happen," Krivsky points out. "Charlie wanted pure Colombian-grade stuff, which the Reds haven't had access to since the 1980's, so Charlie put me in touch with Colombian President Alvaro Uribe."

The two sides then hashed out a deal: the Reds would give the Colombian President two opening day Diamond Seats for every 90 pounds of cocaine the Colombian President gave them. It took 900 pounds of coke, so the Reds were forced to give up 20 Diamond Seats.

"I'm very well-aware that 90 pounds of coke is worth more than two baseball tickets," President Uribe says. "However, after the death of Pablo Escobar in 1993, our drug-based economy fell on hard times and since 1995 Charlie has somehow managed to single-handedly keep the Colombian drug market alive. So I consider this a favor to Charlie."

When asked about how good Colombian grade cocaine is, Sheen gave it a ringing endorsement, "If you try it once, you will die," Sheen said of the coke. "Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

Asked if he would throw a strike with the ceremonial first pitch, Sheen answered in typical Sheen fashion, "My success rate is 100 percent, do the math."

First pitch for the Reds will be on March 31 when they play the Milwaukee Brewers.

(The Charlie Sheen quotes are actual quotes that we've completely taken  out of context, but not really because you can't actually take Charlie Sheen out of context)

Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

By John Breech

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing coke lines with Charlie Sheen again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a box of slightly used condoms."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 – there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers and sex: drunk sex, sober sex, ear sex, chocolate flower sex -- it can all be done on the 14th.

Now why can it call be done on the 14th? Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound, picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight tails of Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, a throat lozenge; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup in that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14^th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like Mort Goldman, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.

Not being related to John Candy can get you
 laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in a Waffle House bathroom.

Examples of other famous people you can say you're 'related' to are: Hosni Mubarek, Dennis Hopper, Jeffrey Dahmer, Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. That show is torture, I would rather have feline AIDS than watch it.

Knowing two Lady Gaga songs is enough to get a
single guy laid on Valentine's Day. 

Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know the words to at least two Lady Gaga songs, you’re as good as laid.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's illegal B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.

John Breech would like to say hi to his mom. 

Carson Palmer Goes Brady Quinn/Jay Cutler on Bengals Fans; Getting Ready to Put Indian Hill Residence Up for Sale

(Carson Palmer and his wife Shaelyn [left] are packing their bags and getting ready to leave town)

It looks like Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer is doing something that no self respecting football player has ever done: that being, acting like Brady Quinn and Jay Cutler. Back in October of 2009, Quinn put his Cleveland area house on the market after Derek Anderson was named the Browns starter.

Brady Quinn doesn't have Myspace...
or a starting job in the NFL.

Quinn made it clear he wasn't interested in being a backup (which is ironic because that's exactly what he did in Denver once he got traded there), so he told the Browns to trade him. The Browns told Quinn to F-off, which is a common thing to say to Quinn -- however, the Browns secretly shopped Quinn around, before pulling off the trade of the year: Quinn for Denver Broncos running back Peyton Hillis.

Former Denver quarterback Jay Cutler actually invented the "I'll force a trade by putting my house up for sale" strategy in March 2009, when, you guessed it, he tried to force a trade by putting his house up for sale. The ploy worked, to some extent, when Cutler was traded to the Bears. However, the trade could also be labeled a failure because had he not been traded to the Bears, he never would have played in the NFC Championship game and therefore never would have been labeled "the biggest vagina that ever played in an NFL football game."

So now it looks like Palmer is going the house selling route too.

Earlier this morning, WCPO in Cincinnati reported that Palmer has officially gone Cutler/Quinn on Bengals fans: he's scheduled to put his home up for sale in March. In the story -- by Ch. 9's Dennis Janson -- Janson interviews an Indian Hill real estate agent who spoke with Palmer today. The agent's opinion of the quarterback after talking to Palmer "He's not coming back."

Palmer lives in Indian Hill and ironically enough, his house is less than five miles away from Mike Brown's palace. They probably hang out all the time.

By the way, INSIC is back, so be sure to check in every day or once a week or at least twice a month.