Reds Opening Day 2012: A Photographic Essay without the Essay

The front page of the Cincinnati Enquirer
is exactly what you'd expect it to be on
Opening Day: a kid talking to a statue.

No one from INSIC is at Great American Ballpark for Opening Day today, but it seems like  everyone on Twitter is. What does that mean? It means we're going to steal the best pictures from Twitter and post them here.

If you thought you were up early drinking this morning, you have nothing on
the Reds mascots who have been at the bar since 6 a.m. (via @Reds)

If you're ever in Des Moines, Iowa on Opening Day,
remember to score your free coney (via @poynorch)

Lance McAlister's son is posing with a drunk, possibly drug-laced, Reds
version of Zorro (via@LanceMcAlister)

This is either the most dedicated Reds fan ever or
the scariest... or both. (via @justinhiteart)

This is INSIC's company car (via some girl on Facebook who doesn't want credit)

For some reason, Aaron Boone is still popular in Cincinnati
(photo via Aaron Boone's stalker)

If your day didn't start with Reds branded Belgian waffles,
then you're not doing Opening Day right. 

This is the only way to travel on Opening Day (via @JimDayTV)

Opening Day can start, one of the Lachey's is at GABP
(via @VanessaLachey)

A view from the cheap seats, although at Opening Day none
of the seats are exactly cheap (via @ChipMahaney)

Bengals Release 2012 Preseason Schedule

These are the only three fans in Cincinnati that are excited for preseason football.

Nobody cares about preseason football, but we still felt obligated to post this, mainly because its NFL news in April and everyone loves NFL news in April.


Bengals 2012 Preseason Schedule

Week 1 (Aug. 9-13) -- New York Jets. Call the Pope, call your priest, if you have a kid with a terminal illness, get him to Paul Brown Stadium, Tim Tebow is coming to Cincinnati. 

August 16 (8 p.m. ET, Fox) -- At Atlanta. The Carrot Top Cannon vs. Matty Ice on national television. Get your carrots and beer bongs ready. Also, don't be shocked if the Georgia Dome is 86 percent full with people wearing A.J. Green jerseys. Green was a legend at UGA which is only about an hour from Atlanta.

Week 3 (Aug. 23-27) -- Green Bay Packers. Starters usually see some serious playing time during week three of the preseason, so this game may not actually be a waste of money. Expect 2011 NFL MVP Aaron Rodgers to play at least a quarter. Also, bring cheese, Packers fans will do anything for cheese.

Week 4 (Aug 30-31) -- At Indianapolis. The Bengals and Indy are basically friends with benefits. They get drunk all night, swear they won't hookup, but then leave the bar together every time to have sex. Or in football terms, the two teams always end the preseason together. Starters don't usually play in the final preseason game, but if presumptive No. 1 draft pick Andrew Luck struggles at all during training camp, the Colts brass may decide to play him in a series or two against the Bengals.

Preseason note: In case you're wondering how worthless the preseason is, consider this: the Bengals have made the playoffs three times under Marvin Lewis. In those three seasons, they went 2-2 (2005), 2-2 (2009) and 1-3 (2011) in the preseason.

The Bengals went 4-0 in the 2006 postseason, but missed the playoffs. By three feet. How do you miss the playoffs by three feet? Your kicker (cough, Shayne Graham, cough) misses a 39-yard field goal in the season finale that would have clinched a playoff spot.

If the NFL sticks to its usual calendar, the regular season schedule should be released some time in the next two weeks, we're guessing April 17.

Reds Give All of Their Money to Joey Votto: INSIC Obtains Exclusive Contract Details

Joey Votto is now the richest person in Cincinnati. 

USA Today reported Monday that the Reds and Joey Votto have come to terms on a 10-year contract extension worth $225 million.

Its the fourth biggest contract in MLB history and will make the Votto the richest man in Cincinnati not named Carl Linder. And since Carl Linder isn't actually alive, Votto is in fact, the richest man in Cincinnati and probably all of Ohio.

To put Votto's $225 million contract in perspective, consider this: the entire Cincinnati Reds franchise is only worth $424 million, according to Forbes.

INSIC exclusively obtained a copy of Votto's contract and here's what the slugger will also receive, besides the $225 million:

Votto will have final say
on all Cincinnati Bengal
challenge calls. 

- Free Skyline chili for life. According to our insider, Gold Star balked at the free chili clause and was only willing to offer 50 percent off.

- The contract also clearly states that Votto now owns Over the Rhine. OTR was recently valued at $112, which means Votto's contract is actually worth $225,000,112, contrary to media reports which said $225,000,000.

-  Votto will receive free 98 Degrees CDs, courtesy of Nick Lachey. Lachey will also sing "Happy Birthday" to Votto on all even birthdays for the rest of Votto's life.

- Oktoberfest will be renamed Vottoberfest.

- Votto will have final say on all Marvin Lewis challenge calls during regular season Bengals games. Early projections suggest that with Votto's help, Marvin Lewis' challenge success rate should increase from zero percent last season to 99.8 percent this season.

- Kroger will pay Votto $5 for every box of Vott 'O's cereal sold. Since the box of cereal only costs $3.99, Kroger will be losing $1.01 for every box they sell. Also, Kroger is giving Votto a Kroger plus card, which could save Votto anywhere from $500 to $1000 per year depending on his grocery shopping habits.

Thanks to Kroger, 120 percent of all Vott'O's
Cereal sales will go to Joey Votto. 

God Answers Cincinnati's Prayers: 98 Degrees Planning Reunion Tour

98 Degrees peaked in 1999. Thanks to their reunion, expect them to re-peak in 2012.

If you talk to people from Cincinnati, most of them want to see three things happen before they die: they want someone to invent a car that operates on chili instead of gas, they want the Bengals to win a Super Bowl and they want to see a 98 Degrees reunion tour.

Nick Lachey is Cincinnati's
only celebrity.

If you would have asked us this at the beginning of the year to rank the likelihood of each thing happening, we would've said 1. chili powered car 2. 98 Degrees reunion 3. Bengals winning Super Bowl.

Well, it looks like our rankings would have been wrong.

Accoring to rumorfix.com -- we've never heard of them either --  Cincinnati native Nick Lachey is getting the band back together for a 15 city reunion tour that would take place in July and August.

If you've lost your Boy Band reunion tally card, 98 Degrees would be the third boy band in 12 months to go on a reunion tour, New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys toured together last year. And yes, we're trying to find out if  LFO, Hanson or O-town have anything up their sleeves as far as reunions go.

Anyway, back to 98 Degrees, since we know you're wondering, here's a quick update on the band members:

Nick Lachey got tired of having sex and being married to Jessica Simpson, so he married Vanessa Manillo. He's expecting a baby with Manillo, but he might not have time to raise it because he could be the new host of Live with Regis and Kelly. He's currently the rumored frontrunner for the job.

Why should you like Nick Lachey?
Because he makes his wife wear Bengals jerseys.

Drew Lachey won season two of Dancing with the Stars, then fell off the face of the earth.

Justin Jeffre should not be famous.

Justin Jeffre is alive, which is all the information we currently have on him. A little refresher on Jeffre AKA the 98 Degrees member that nobody's ever heard of: he ran for mayor of Cincinnati in 2005 and lost. Badly. Six years later, Jeffre joined the Occupy movement. He was so good at being apart of the 99 percent that he got arrested.

Jeff Timmons is a chippendales dancer in Las Vegas.

If the reunion tour hits Cincinnati, we promise to have live coverage. If someone invents a chili powered car, we promise to have live coverage of that too.

Bengals Cheerleader Who Doesn't Have STD's Arrested for (Allegedly) Having Sex with Student

Sarah Jones' mugshot isn't the most attractive picture she's ever taken.

Bengals cheerleader Sarah Jones apparently loves two things: 1. the spotlight and 2. (allegedly) having sex with her students.

First, for those of you that don't recognize her name, Jones was in the news back in August 2010 when she (kind of) successfully sued TheDirty.com.

Jones before she started sleeping
with students. 

TheDirty.com alleged that Jones was a walking STD and that she was having sex with several Bengals players. Jones denied it, filed a lawsuit and won. The only problem is that Jones sued Dirty World Entertainment Recordings, which owns TheDirt.com and not Dirty World LLC, which owns TheDirty.com.

Jones was awarded $11 million in that case, but still hasn't collected due to the mixup. A judge will rehear that case beginning in June. You can catch up on that case here.

Anyway, Jones is in the news again today because she has been arrested for (allegedly) having sex with one of her students. According to Fox 19, Jones resigned from her teaching post last November for "personal reasons." AKA she was (allegedly) sleeping with a student, but she wasn't giving the student any STD's because she doesn't have any, as we learned from the August 2010 case.

Jones (allegedly) slept with the student from October until December of last year.

Jones lawyer, who 19 months ago we called the worst lawyer ever, can't really defend her right now because he's suspended by the Kentucy Bar Association.

The best part about this: Jones appeared on the Anderson Cooper show back in November to talk about how TheDirty.com's STD allegations had ruined her life. What she forgot to tell Anderson Cooper on the show is that she was a month into a sexual escapade with a high school kid.

Sarah Jones probably didn't tell Anderson Cooper she
was (allegedly) boning a high school kid when she went
on his show in November.

Jones' mother Cheryl Jones, an elementary school principal, was also arrested.

Both ladies are due in court on April 2.

Sarah Jones has been charged with first-degree sexual abuse and unlawful use of electronic means to induce a minor to engage in sexual or other prohibited acts. In terms that Jose Canseco can understand, she used her cell phone to send text messages to a minor to setup sexual escapades.

Cheryl Jones was indicted on one charge of tampering with physical evidence.

The Jones' lawyer, Charles Lester Jr., has said that both women will plead not guilty.

The Bengals, who are always on top of everything (and still employ Jones as a Ben-Gal) have already released a statement, "The Club is aware of the situation and it's an ongoing process to collect the information that can guide the appropriate actions as warranted."

INSIC's Six Question/Five Answer 2012 Cincinnati Reds Preview that's Hotter than the Girl Below

If we've learned one thing here at INSIC, it's that hot girls equal hits.

Just like the Reds, INSIC took 2011 off. Sure we put up the occasional post, but they were all pathetic and the effort was abysmal, kind of like the Reds were down the stretch last year.

Well, we have good news: Opening Day in Cincinnati is exactly one week away and INSIC is going to celebrate by returning from the dead (AKA we're going to post more than once a month).

We're also going to celebrate by filling a bathtub up with a 50-50 mixture of whiskey, orange Fanta and Joey Votto's sweat. What we're going to do with that mixture, we haven't decided yet.

Anyway, that's enough gibberish, lets get to our seven question/six answer 2012 Cincinnati Reds preview. And yes, we promise at least one picture of Dallas Latos in this post, actually, she's hot, so let's do two.

1. The Reds pissed me off last year. Will they piss me off this year? 


Last season everyone who pretends to know anything about baseball jumped on the Reds bandwagon. The over/under on Reds 2011 wins in Las Vegas was 87.

ESPN.com employs 45 people who write about baseball -- which is 46 more than we employ -- 27 out of 45 of those writers predicted the Reds would win the Central.

What nobody took into account was this: pro team's in Cincinnati are not allowed to have two consecutive successful season's in a row. Like Megan's Law, the law of averages and Law and Order, it's a law. This law has been in effect since 1991. Basically, what we're saying is this: no Reds fan familiar with this law should have been pissed about last season.

As for this year, the Reds upgraded, which means they have to be almost the automatic favorite in the Central. And that's mainly because Albert Pujols is in California, Prince Fielder is in Michigan and Tony LaRussa is out somewhere rescuing stray animals.



2. Who was a bigger free agent pickup for the Reds: Mat Latos or Dallas Latos?

With the Latos trade, all of Cincinnati wins.

The answer right now is Dallas. If Mat wins World Series MVP, then we'll switch to him. Either way, this is the most entertaining couple to hit Cincinnati since Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson were dating.

With Mat, the Reds got a steal. Sure they gave up two first round draft picks (Yonder Alonso & Yasmani Grandal), but if baseball history has taught us one thing, it's this: no one with a first name that starts with the letter "Y" has ever been any good at baseball. Ever. Its like a hot girl named Mildred, they don't exist.

The Reds also lost Edinson Volquez in the Latos deal, but losing probably isn't the right word. The Reds gave him away. Volquez has done the equivalent of nothing since 2008. Blame his elbow surgery, blame his mom for not breast feeding him, blame whatever you want, but getting rid of Volquez was the right move.

As for Dallas, she's hot, funny and entertaining. You should follow her on Twitter, but please, do not follow her in real life, because that would be creepy. Anyway, she has a blog (its like our blog, except for feminine and a lot better), she has giveaways and she tweets pictures, you can't really ask for more in a player's wife. Well, you can, but not much more.



3. Will Ryan Madson's injury hurt the team? Who will be the closer?

Former Phillies closer Ryan Madson signed with the Reds on Jan. 10. Two and a half months later, a ligament in his elbow went "Ki-Jana Carter ACL" on him and now Madson's out for the season, before the season has even started.

So who will be the Reds closer this season: according to the Associated Press, Dusty Baker is leaning toward a closer by committee approach.

Dusty Baker has never made a good pitching decision in his coaching career, so there's a 100 percent chance this strategy will backfire. Best case scenario for the Reds here is that they win all their games by four or more runs and never need a closer.



4. Is there a "Keep Joey Votto Fund" that Reds fans can donate too?

In case you missed it, Detroit signed Prince Fielder to a 9-year, $214 million contract this offseason. Basically what this means is that when Joey Votto hits the free agent market after the 2013 season, the bidding might reach $2 billion (we're exaggerating, but only slightly).

If you're a Reds fan, we have two suggestions: 1. make sure to really appreciate Votto this season and next because they could be his last two years here. 2. If you win the Mega Millions, plan to spend half of your $540 million jackpot on Votto.



5. If I have season tickets to the Reds, how much weight will I gain this season?


A lot. The Shit my Dad says guy pretty much summed up Cincinnati with this quote, "I'm in Cincinnati at a Waffle House that's across from two Waffle Houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of diabetes."

Apparently, Cincinnati is the Hall of Fame of diabetes.

As if Funnel Fries weren't enough, Great American Ballpark is adding some new items to the menu this season that could make diabetic comas an hourly occurence. Among the added items: fried Kool-Aid. If you're goal in life is to reenact the Super Size Me movie, forget McDonald's, eat all your meals at Great American Ballpark.



6. INSIC has been pretty dead on with Reds and Bengals predictions: what's your prediction for the 2012 Reds?

We're going to make our Reds prediction by quickly breaking down their schedule.

First, its a given that the Astros are going to go 0-162 this season. The Astros suck. The Reds play them 15 times, so that's 15 wins.

Another given is that no matter how well the Cubs play this season, they're going to completely collapse after the All-Star break. The Reds play the Cubs 10 times after the break, so that's 10 more wins.

So to get to 90 wins, all the Reds would have to do is go 65-72 in their 137 other games.

Since the N.L. Central was formed before the 1995 season, it's taken an average of 92.8 games to win the division. We don't think the Reds will get there, but we do think they'll win the division with a record of 88-74.

You can never have too many pictures of Dallas Latos. 

Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

By John Breech

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing meth hits with homeless people again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a box of slightly used condoms."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are staying in the same house and sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 – there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers and sex. And if you're real kinky, there's also chocolate flower sex -- anything can be done on the 14th.

Now why can it all be done on the 14th? 

Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound. Picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight stories involving a Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, an animal cracker will do; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup. In that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14^th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like a fatter, less attractive version of Peter Griffin, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.

Not being related to John Candy can get you

 laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in the salsa aisle at a nearby supermarket.

Examples of other famous dead/non-existent people you can say you're 'related' to are: A.C. Slater, Dennis Hopper, anyone from the Full House cast or even Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. That show is torture, I would rather contract feline AIDS from a feral cat than watch it.

Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know all the words to "Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO, you're as good as laid. 

If you know who Jacob from Twilight is, you're as good as
laid on Valentine's Day.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. 

Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's illegal B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.

John Breech would like to say hi to his mom.