God Answers Cincinnati's Prayers: 98 Degrees Planning Reunion Tour

98 Degrees peaked in 1999. Thanks to their reunion, expect them to re-peak in 2012.

If you talk to people from Cincinnati, most of them want to see three things happen before they die: they want someone to invent a car that operates on chili instead of gas, they want the Bengals to win a Super Bowl and they want to see a 98 Degrees reunion tour.

Nick Lachey is Cincinnati's
only celebrity.

If you would have asked us this at the beginning of the year to rank the likelihood of each thing happening, we would've said 1. chili powered car 2. 98 Degrees reunion 3. Bengals winning Super Bowl.

Well, it looks like our rankings would have been wrong.

Accoring to rumorfix.com -- we've never heard of them either --  Cincinnati native Nick Lachey is getting the band back together for a 15 city reunion tour that would take place in July and August.

If you've lost your Boy Band reunion tally card, 98 Degrees would be the third boy band in 12 months to go on a reunion tour, New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys toured together last year. And yes, we're trying to find out if  LFO, Hanson or O-town have anything up their sleeves as far as reunions go.

Anyway, back to 98 Degrees, since we know you're wondering, here's a quick update on the band members:

Nick Lachey got tired of having sex and being married to Jessica Simpson, so he married Vanessa Manillo. He's expecting a baby with Manillo, but he might not have time to raise it because he could be the new host of Live with Regis and Kelly. He's currently the rumored frontrunner for the job.

Why should you like Nick Lachey?
Because he makes his wife wear Bengals jerseys.

Drew Lachey won season two of Dancing with the Stars, then fell off the face of the earth.

Justin Jeffre should not be famous.

Justin Jeffre is alive, which is all the information we currently have on him. A little refresher on Jeffre AKA the 98 Degrees member that nobody's ever heard of: he ran for mayor of Cincinnati in 2005 and lost. Badly. Six years later, Jeffre joined the Occupy movement. He was so good at being apart of the 99 percent that he got arrested.

Jeff Timmons is a chippendales dancer in Las Vegas.

If the reunion tour hits Cincinnati, we promise to have live coverage. If someone invents a chili powered car, we promise to have live coverage of that too.

Bengals Cheerleader Who Doesn't Have STD's Arrested for (Allegedly) Having Sex with Student

Sarah Jones' mugshot isn't the most attractive picture she's ever taken.

Bengals cheerleader Sarah Jones apparently loves two things: 1. the spotlight and 2. (allegedly) having sex with her students.

First, for those of you that don't recognize her name, Jones was in the news back in August 2010 when she (kind of) successfully sued TheDirty.com.

Jones before she started sleeping
with students. 

TheDirty.com alleged that Jones was a walking STD and that she was having sex with several Bengals players. Jones denied it, filed a lawsuit and won. The only problem is that Jones sued Dirty World Entertainment Recordings, which owns TheDirt.com and not Dirty World LLC, which owns TheDirty.com.

Jones was awarded $11 million in that case, but still hasn't collected due to the mixup. A judge will rehear that case beginning in June. You can catch up on that case here.

Anyway, Jones is in the news again today because she has been arrested for (allegedly) having sex with one of her students. According to Fox 19, Jones resigned from her teaching post last November for "personal reasons." AKA she was (allegedly) sleeping with a student, but she wasn't giving the student any STD's because she doesn't have any, as we learned from the August 2010 case.

Jones (allegedly) slept with the student from October until December of last year.

Jones lawyer, who 19 months ago we called the worst lawyer ever, can't really defend her right now because he's suspended by the Kentucy Bar Association.

The best part about this: Jones appeared on the Anderson Cooper show back in November to talk about how TheDirty.com's STD allegations had ruined her life. What she forgot to tell Anderson Cooper on the show is that she was a month into a sexual escapade with a high school kid.

Sarah Jones probably didn't tell Anderson Cooper she
was (allegedly) boning a high school kid when she went
on his show in November.

Jones' mother Cheryl Jones, an elementary school principal, was also arrested.

Both ladies are due in court on April 2.

Sarah Jones has been charged with first-degree sexual abuse and unlawful use of electronic means to induce a minor to engage in sexual or other prohibited acts. In terms that Jose Canseco can understand, she used her cell phone to send text messages to a minor to setup sexual escapades.

Cheryl Jones was indicted on one charge of tampering with physical evidence.

The Jones' lawyer, Charles Lester Jr., has said that both women will plead not guilty.

The Bengals, who are always on top of everything (and still employ Jones as a Ben-Gal) have already released a statement, "The Club is aware of the situation and it's an ongoing process to collect the information that can guide the appropriate actions as warranted."

INSIC's Six Question/Five Answer 2012 Cincinnati Reds Preview that's Hotter than the Girl Below

If we've learned one thing here at INSIC, it's that hot girls equal hits.

Just like the Reds, INSIC took 2011 off. Sure we put up the occasional post, but they were all pathetic and the effort was abysmal, kind of like the Reds were down the stretch last year.

Well, we have good news: Opening Day in Cincinnati is exactly one week away and INSIC is going to celebrate by returning from the dead (AKA we're going to post more than once a month).

We're also going to celebrate by filling a bathtub up with a 50-50 mixture of whiskey, orange Fanta and Joey Votto's sweat. What we're going to do with that mixture, we haven't decided yet.

Anyway, that's enough gibberish, lets get to our seven question/six answer 2012 Cincinnati Reds preview. And yes, we promise at least one picture of Dallas Latos in this post, actually, she's hot, so let's do two.

1. The Reds pissed me off last year. Will they piss me off this year? 


Last season everyone who pretends to know anything about baseball jumped on the Reds bandwagon. The over/under on Reds 2011 wins in Las Vegas was 87.

ESPN.com employs 45 people who write about baseball -- which is 46 more than we employ -- 27 out of 45 of those writers predicted the Reds would win the Central.

What nobody took into account was this: pro team's in Cincinnati are not allowed to have two consecutive successful season's in a row. Like Megan's Law, the law of averages and Law and Order, it's a law. This law has been in effect since 1991. Basically, what we're saying is this: no Reds fan familiar with this law should have been pissed about last season.

As for this year, the Reds upgraded, which means they have to be almost the automatic favorite in the Central. And that's mainly because Albert Pujols is in California, Prince Fielder is in Michigan and Tony LaRussa is out somewhere rescuing stray animals.



2. Who was a bigger free agent pickup for the Reds: Mat Latos or Dallas Latos?

With the Latos trade, all of Cincinnati wins.

The answer right now is Dallas. If Mat wins World Series MVP, then we'll switch to him. Either way, this is the most entertaining couple to hit Cincinnati since Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson were dating.

With Mat, the Reds got a steal. Sure they gave up two first round draft picks (Yonder Alonso & Yasmani Grandal), but if baseball history has taught us one thing, it's this: no one with a first name that starts with the letter "Y" has ever been any good at baseball. Ever. Its like a hot girl named Mildred, they don't exist.

The Reds also lost Edinson Volquez in the Latos deal, but losing probably isn't the right word. The Reds gave him away. Volquez has done the equivalent of nothing since 2008. Blame his elbow surgery, blame his mom for not breast feeding him, blame whatever you want, but getting rid of Volquez was the right move.

As for Dallas, she's hot, funny and entertaining. You should follow her on Twitter, but please, do not follow her in real life, because that would be creepy. Anyway, she has a blog (its like our blog, except for feminine and a lot better), she has giveaways and she tweets pictures, you can't really ask for more in a player's wife. Well, you can, but not much more.



3. Will Ryan Madson's injury hurt the team? Who will be the closer?

Former Phillies closer Ryan Madson signed with the Reds on Jan. 10. Two and a half months later, a ligament in his elbow went "Ki-Jana Carter ACL" on him and now Madson's out for the season, before the season has even started.

So who will be the Reds closer this season: according to the Associated Press, Dusty Baker is leaning toward a closer by committee approach.

Dusty Baker has never made a good pitching decision in his coaching career, so there's a 100 percent chance this strategy will backfire. Best case scenario for the Reds here is that they win all their games by four or more runs and never need a closer.



4. Is there a "Keep Joey Votto Fund" that Reds fans can donate too?

In case you missed it, Detroit signed Prince Fielder to a 9-year, $214 million contract this offseason. Basically what this means is that when Joey Votto hits the free agent market after the 2013 season, the bidding might reach $2 billion (we're exaggerating, but only slightly).

If you're a Reds fan, we have two suggestions: 1. make sure to really appreciate Votto this season and next because they could be his last two years here. 2. If you win the Mega Millions, plan to spend half of your $540 million jackpot on Votto.



5. If I have season tickets to the Reds, how much weight will I gain this season?


A lot. The Shit my Dad says guy pretty much summed up Cincinnati with this quote, "I'm in Cincinnati at a Waffle House that's across from two Waffle Houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of diabetes."

Apparently, Cincinnati is the Hall of Fame of diabetes.

As if Funnel Fries weren't enough, Great American Ballpark is adding some new items to the menu this season that could make diabetic comas an hourly occurence. Among the added items: fried Kool-Aid. If you're goal in life is to reenact the Super Size Me movie, forget McDonald's, eat all your meals at Great American Ballpark.



6. INSIC has been pretty dead on with Reds and Bengals predictions: what's your prediction for the 2012 Reds?

We're going to make our Reds prediction by quickly breaking down their schedule.

First, its a given that the Astros are going to go 0-162 this season. The Astros suck. The Reds play them 15 times, so that's 15 wins.

Another given is that no matter how well the Cubs play this season, they're going to completely collapse after the All-Star break. The Reds play the Cubs 10 times after the break, so that's 10 more wins.

So to get to 90 wins, all the Reds would have to do is go 65-72 in their 137 other games.

Since the N.L. Central was formed before the 1995 season, it's taken an average of 92.8 games to win the division. We don't think the Reds will get there, but we do think they'll win the division with a record of 88-74.

You can never have too many pictures of Dallas Latos. 

Valentine's Day: A Single Guy's Christmas

By John Breech

Here’s a little secret for all you single guys out there, Christmas is coming on February 14. Now you might be saying to yourself right now, “Jesus, Breech, have you been doing meth hits with homeless people again because Christmas already came on Dec. 25, I remember because I hated it; my girlfriend got me a sweater, a pair of socks and a box of slightly used condoms."

OK, so it's true, Christmas already came, but if you think about it, Dec. 25 is the sucky Christmas: family, fruitcakes, caroling -- nobody likes that stuff. Plus no one gets to have sex during the holidays because it's impossible to do it when you're aunt and grandma are staying in the same house and sleeping in the bedroom next to you.

So single guys, listen up, because here's the secret: the real Christmas is February 14 – there's no family, fruitcakes or caroling on Valentine's Day. There's only three things: chocolate, flowers and sex. And if you're real kinky, there's also chocolate flower sex -- anything can be done on the 14th.

Now why can it all be done on the 14th? 

Because for some reason, on February 14th, all the single girls in the world act like they're on the rebound; and we all know how vulnerable girls are when they’re on the rebound. Picking them up is as easy as opening gifts on Christmas day, only in this case, the gifts might sleepover and make you breakfast in the morning.

If you've talked to any single girl in the past 10 years, she has probably mortified you with at least eight stories involving a Valentine’s Day disappointment.

Give a girl a taco and you might get laid.

Guys, when girls start babbling about Valentine’s Day disasters, they're basically saying “give me a beer, a shot, a taco or hell, an animal cracker will do; just give me something that I can use as an excuse tomorrow as to why I am going to act like a porn star tonight.” (Editor's Note: girls acting like porn stars is a good thing: unless the porn star she wants to act like is one of the females from 2 girls, 1 cup. In that case you might want to find another girl)

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but over the last 10 years, Valentine’s Day has turned into the Super Bowl of one-night stands. If 110 million people watched the Super Bowl, twice that many times three will be having sex on Valentine's Day, you do the math. Did you do the math? Because here's another number: 80 percent of the people having sex on Valentine's Day are single girls. Sure the numbers don't add up, but they will once you find a drunk girl at the bar on the 14^th.

Now, I realize that there are some guys out there who either don’t believe me or look like a fatter, less attractive version of Peter Griffin, well let me assure you, you guys can get laid too.

If you need a pickup line, anything works on Valentine’s Day, and I’m talking anything.

Not being related to John Candy can get you

 laid on Valentine's Day

I once told a girl that I was related to John Candy, the conversation went like this:

ME: You know, I'm related to John Candy.

HER: Oh my god, I want to do him so bad.

ME: Umm, he's dead.

HER: Really? Oh well, I've never heard of him anyway, let's get naked.

Four minutes later, we were doing it in the salsa aisle at a nearby supermarket.

Examples of other famous dead/non-existent people you can say you're 'related' to are: A.C. Slater, Dennis Hopper, anyone from the Full House cast or even Timothy McVeigh -- sure, he's the Oklahoma City bomber -- but if you make it sound cool to be related to him, you're getting laid.

Now, since I’m in a good mood, I’ll tell you what your odds are of getting laid tonight: if you’re a guy on a college campus, your chances of getting action are 98.7 percent. The only way you can blow it is if you get hit by a bus on the way to the bar. Statistics say you getting hit by a bus is not probable. Statistics say that you're getting laid.

Seriously college guys, for you, the math is this simple; depressed single college girls plus lots of alcohol equals lots of sex and thousands of unwanted pregnancies. However college guys, please stay away from the 16-year-olds because the last thing this country needs is another season of 16 and pregnant. That show is torture, I would rather contract feline AIDS from a feral cat than watch it.

Oh and you non-college guys, don't get your hopes down. If you’re a male between the ages of 23 and 30, have a decent job, live in a big city and know all the words to "Sexy and I know it" by LMFAO, you're as good as laid. 

If you know who Jacob from Twilight is, you're as good as
laid on Valentine's Day.

If you’re between 31-45, make six figures and can name two characters in the movie "Twilight," you’ll go home with someone hot tonight. 

Hot single girls like Twilight, it's a fact. They'll probably pretend you're Jacob the whole time you're having sex, but who cares, you're having sex.

Finally, if you’re over 45, good god, you don’t even have to try -- just look rich and the 19-year-olds will come to you. Although if you do have sex with a 19-year-old make sure she's 19 and not 16 because A. it's illegal B. that whole 16 and pregnant thing again.

Oh and one more thing, if you were born on or around November 14, you are the product of a drunken Valentine's liaison. It's a fact, which means one thing -- your parents are probably celebrating Valentine's Day by having sex and lots of it.

John Breech would like to say hi to his mom. 

2012 NFL Wildcard Weekend Pressing Questions: Will the Bengals Win? If they do, Will the World Implode?

What do Kim and Kris have to do with the Bengals? We don't know either.

It's been 106.4 Kim Kardashian marriages since the Bengals last won a playoff game.

To comprehend how long that is, you'd need to know how long Kim Kardashian was married.

If you don't know how long Kim Kardashian was married, ask your wife. If she doesn't know, ask a  high school junior. If you don't know a high school junior, buy an US Weekly. If you can't afford an US Weekly, go to a New Jersey Nets game the next time they're in town and ask Kris Humphries. If the Nets aren't coming to your town, Google it.

But Google it last. I want to see everyone go through the above effort because we're getting lazy as a society.

Anyway, lets go straight to the picks.


Saturday


Cincinnati at Houston: Because Saturday's playoff game is being played indoors, the Bengals did the logical thing this week and practiced outdoors -- in 22 degree weather -- and their quarterback had the flu.

But lets not use logic to make this pick, lets use facts:

The Undefeated Factor

1. The Bengals are undefeated against Houston in playoff games. Sure, they've only played once. Sure it was in 1991 and sure Justin Bieber wasn't alive when it happened, but it still counts, whether Bieber was alive or not.

"Marty, two redheaded QB's on the same field: Great Scott."

The Redhead Factor

2. In Back to the Future II, Doc Brown theorized that if two red-headed quarterbacks were on the field at the same time in an NFL football game, the Space time-continuum would collapse on itself.

Texans 3rd string QB Jeff Garcia is a redhead, which means we're exactly two injured Houston quarterbacks from the end of the world. Somehow, I think this works in the Bengals favor.

The Non-Factor Factor Factor

3. If there are any mathematicians reading: can you confirm that the law of averages is a real law? Because if it is, then the Bengals have to win.

Their wide receiver is being investigated for having a marijuana farm delivered to his front door. Their starting running back spent the first two nights of the season in jail. They haven't won a playoff game in 7,659 days. If the law of averages exists, then something eventually has to go right, RIGHT? (And yes, this entire season went right, but lets not count that).

The INSIC quick pick: Bengals 23-20 over Houston. 


Detroit at New Orleans: I saw a kid in Target's parking lot last week smoking marijuana. He was also eating cheetos. He was also wearing a Saints hat. He also offered me a hit. So basically, yes, I'm picking the Saints based on the fandom of a high school kid in a Target parking lot who offered me a hit of marijuana.

Saints 41-31 over Detroit.


Sunday


Atlanta at New York Giants: I like the Falcons a lot. I really do. I lived in Atlanta for three years, I have a lot of homeless friends there and several friends with homes. Its a great city.

But lets be honest, watching the Falcons play outdoors is like going to Planned Parenthood on a Saturday morning and looking at the morning after pill line: there's panic on everybody's face.

In the last four years, the Falcons have played 41 indoor games and 23 outdoor games. The numbers suggest the Falcons should have more losses indoors because they've played more games, but the numbers are wrong. Atlanta is 12-11 outdoors and 31-10 indoors. Advantage: Giants.

Long story short, the morning after pill fails and the Falcons lose to the Giants 27-24.

Is there a Pope sex tape?

Pittsburgh at Denver: If you would've asked me in week 1 what was more likely to happen this season: Tim Tebow leading the Broncos to the playoffs or a sex tape being released of the Pope having a threesome with two of the Hanson brothers, I would've said, "there's no way Tebow's making the playoffs."

So here we are on Wildcard weekend and Tebow's in the playoffs  and thank God, there's no Pope sex tape, which is good, because really, no one wants to see any of the Hanson brothers naked.

If this game were being played on Saturday, I'd take the Broncos, but its being played on Sunday and as everyone knows, God rests on the sabbath, so Tebow's on his own. Steelers 17-10 over Denver. 


How much does INSIC know about football, here's an exact quote from our Bengals preview: With an early season schedule that's easier than a drunk Deena, the Bengals could top out at 9-7 this season.


Week 17
ATS: 10-6 
Straight up: 13-3


Final Regular Season Tally
ATS: 147-109
SU: 182-74

Justin Bieber says: Baby's not mine, Bengals in a Blowout, Buy my Christmas Album

Justin Bieber says call your bookie and bet Bengals.

Because pop culture is my second favorite thing to write about, we need to make one thing clear right now: there is no way Justin Bieber fathered a kid with that 20-year-old California girl.

How do I know this?

Because Bieber is either A. a virgin or B. gay and as far as I know, both of those things would preclude him from impregnating a girl.

In case this picture isn't clear enough, Peter King thinks
the Bengals are going to lose Sunday. 

OK, so how does this relate to the Bengals? Like this. Vegas, Peter King and all the talking heads on ESPN seem to think the Bengals are going to lose tomorrow. Well, they're not going too.

How do I know this?

Because the Bengals A. do not suck and B. are awesome and as far as I know, either one of those things would preclude the Bengals from losing.

The Bengals-Titans game on Sunday has Bengals-Bears 2009 written all over it.

The 3-2 Bears were playing the 4-2 Bengals in Cincinnati and the BEARS were favored.

The Bengals wins were far more impressive --Steelers, Ravens, Packers were three of the four -- plus, the Bears had Jay Cutler at quarterback and as most football fans know: Jay Cutler sucks. They could play football for 8 billion more years, Jay Cutler could be immortal and live all 8 billion of those years and play a trillion more football games and he'd still suck.

Long story short: Bengals won 45-10. 

Matt Hasselbeck also kind of isn't good. Sure Hasselbeck's been to a Super Bowl and sure he beat the Saints in the playoffs last season, but lets be honest, if someone was holding a gun to your head and you had to pick a QB to start a game with your life on the line, Hasselbeck would be like the 56th choice. There's college QB's you'd pick before Hasselbeck.

Anyway, if you're bored, read all my picks, if you're in a hurry, skip to the bottom for my Bengals prediction.

Week 9 Picks

Kansas City at Miami: I'd rather staple a raw steak to my genitalia and be put in a cage with a hungry lion than have to watch this game. On a completely unrelated  note, if you drafted a fantasy team this season that includes Matt Cassel, Jackie Battle or any Miami Dolphins player, you should think about joining a fantasy chess league because you suck at fantasy football. Chiefs 17-10 over the Dolphins. 

Atlanta at Indianapolis: If you're a girl reading this, you probably know a guy or two that performs better in bed when their drunk. The Falcons are the drunk sex guys of the NFL. They only play perform well in domes.  Last time I checked, Indianapolis is in a dome. Falcons fans will probably have lots of drunk sex after Atlanta bashes Indy 31-17. 

Tampa Bay at New Orleans: Two weeks ago, the Saints bitch slapped the Colts 62-7. It was uglier than the last 3 years of Lindsay Lohan's movie career. After the 55-point win, the Saints promptly went out and lost to the Rams. THE RAMS. This would be like a boxer beating Mike Tyson in his prime and then losing to a blind baby the next week. Unimaginable. That being said, I see the Saints overcoming their loss to the blind babies and rebounding with a 31-24 win.

Anchor Bar is the only form of entertainment in Buffalo.

N.Y. Jets at Buffalo: Every time I watch a game that's in Buffalo, I feel sorry for the fans and that's mostly because they live in Buffalo. I went there once, asked someone for something cool to do and they said go to the Anchor Bar because that's where Buffalo wings were invented. If going to a wing bar is the coolest thing to do in your city, then YOUR CITY SUCKS. Now I'm pissed at Buffalo, so I'm picking the Jets 24-20. 

Seattle at Dallas: Two weeks ago, the Cowboys beat the Rams 34-7. Last week they lost to the Eagles 34-7. I'm not a big pattern person, but I see a pattern there. Cowboys 34-7. 

Cleveland at Houston: Generally, I pick the Browns to lose every game they play in. This strategy has me at 4-3 picking their games. I see no reason to stop now. Texans 30-14 over Cleveland. 

San Francisco at Washington: The Redskins season is falling apart faster than Herman Cain's presidential bid. West Coast teams don't usually win 10 a.m. PT games, but the 49ers have already done it twice this season. One more can't hurt. San Francisco 20-13 over the Redskins.

Denver at Oakland: There's a 50 percent chance that Tim Tebow will not be the worst quarterback in this game. The over/under on Carson Palmer pick six's is 1.5. Don't go under. Its a trap bet. The Broncos score on three pick six's but still manage to lose 31-21. 


N.Y. Giants at New England: Reasons I can't pick the Giants: A. David Tyree is not playing in this game. B. Tom Brady is 312-0 at home and 464-2 after a loss. I'll take the Patriots 34-27. 

Do man-eating rhinos exist?

St. Louis at Arizona: Scroll back to the top. Read what I wrote about the Kansas City-Miami game. However, instead of raw steak, use AIDS and instead of hungry lion, use man-eating rhinoceros. On that note, I think the "Suck for Luck" campaign is over for the Rams because they're going to make it two in a row with a 27-17 win.

Green Bay at San Diego: Picking who's going to win between Aaron Rodgers and Philip Rivers is like trying to decide who's going to win best actress at the Academy Awards between Meryl Streep and Lindsay Lohan. Only Lohan wasn't nominated and she's in jail. That probably doesn't make sense, but my pick will, Packers 38-31 over the Chargers. 

Baltimore at Pittsburgh: I don't care who wins this game, as long as 19 Steelers starters get hurt and can't play next week against the Bengals. That's right. I'm cheering for injuries. Oh, and the refs. I'm cheering for them too. And world peace. But mostly injuries. Steelers 20-17 over Baltimore. 

Chicago at Philadelphia: The Bears don't have a win on the road this year. They're going on the road. I think you know where I'm going with this. By the way, don't try and tell me the Bears do have a road win and it was in England. Because here's what I say to that: nothing that happens in England counts for anything. If you lost your virginity in England, you're still a virgin. If you kill someone in England, they were English, so they probably deserved it. Also, I will not be watching the summer Olympics. Eagles 31-24 over the Bears. 

What's bigger: Kim's butt or Kim's boobs?
What's longer:  Kim's marriage or the Bengals winning streak?
As always, INSIC asks the tough questions. 

Cincinnati at Tennessee: The Bengals win streak is now over half as long as Kim Kardshian's marriage was. Maybe its just me and maybe its just because I watch E! 14 hours a day, but I'm impressed by that stat.

You want more positive statistics? How about this: The last time the Bengals had a 5-game winning streak: 1988. The last time the Bengals went to the Super Bowl: the 1988 season. I say the Carrot Top Cannon comes out on fire and the Bengals win 34-17. 

Week 8 Picks

Straight-up: 10-3

SU Overall: 84-32

Against the Spread: 6-7

ATS Overall: 64-52

Exact Week 8 Picks: 0

Exact Picks Overall: 2

Carson Palmer Traded to Raiders plus Bengals Fans Rejoice and is Mike Brown the new Thomas Jefferson?

Carson Palmer's fake smile is Oakland's problem now.

The only way Tuesday could have been better for Bengals fans is if Mike Brown would have fired himself.

Brown's incredibly crazy, stubborn strategy of holding on to Carson Palmer paid off in a huge way Tuesday morning when the Raiders gave the Bengals a 2012 first round pick and 2013 second round pick for the much maligned quarterback. The 2013 pick becomes a first round pick if the Raiders make the AFC Championship game in 2011 or 2012.

Is Mike Brown the new
Danny Ocean? INSIC
says yes.

I haven't seen a heist like this since the third time I saw Ocean's 11. And the fact that it was masterminded by Mike Brown makes it even harder to believe.

But lets be honest, Brown didn't exactly mastermind this, it fell into his lap. This would be like dumping your girlfriend and then going to Costco and having a 3-some with two of the cashiers there who also happen to be lingerie models.


Three thoughts from the biggest in-season trade in NFL history.

THOUGHT ONE

I'm going to compare Mike Brown to Thomas Jefferson. I completely understand the shocking nature of the prior sentence, if you aren't prepared for the comparison, please feel free to skip to the next thought. Also feel free to punch me in the face next time you see me.

The Palmer-to-Raiders trade is the Louisiana Purchase of NFL deals.

For you non-history buffs or people who are too drunk right now to remember anything from sixth grade, here's the Louisiana Purchase in a nut shell: Napoleon was dealing with all sorts of crap in Europe and he needed money really, really, really, really bad (Kind of like the Raiders needed a quarterback really, really, really, really bad).

Napoleon was so desperate that he was willing to do anything non-sexual for money. He called up his boy Thomas Jefferson and offered the Louisiana Territory at a below market price.

Sidebar: The Louisiana Territory is made up of a bunch of great plains states that no one likes to visit, but it doubled the size of the country.

Better deal: Louisiana Purchase, getting two first round picks
for Carson Palmer or paying $5 to get to second base with a bear.

Long story short: Jefferson had all the leverage (Mike Brown had all the leverage in the Palmer trade) and T. Jeff ended up paying 3 CENTS a square mile for the Louisiana Territory.

Napoleon got what he wanted ($15 million), Jefferson got what he wanted -- he took advantage of Napoleon like a guy takes advantage of a drunk girl who's on her first rebound date after being dumped -- and everyone was happy.

Mike Brown got what he wanted -- two first round picks. And lets not kid ourselves, the Raiders probably threw in a Kroger Plus card.

The Raiders got what they wanted -- a starting quarterback. Everyone went home happy.

THOUGHT TWO

Mike Brown doesn't make this deal under the old collective bargaining agreement (CBA).

If you bore easily, skip the next five paragraphs.

The NFL lockout was because of the old CBA. Prior to 2009, contracts for first round picks were gigantic, for instance, Matthew Stafford, the 2009 first round pick, signed for 6-years, $72 million with $41.7 million of that guaranteed.

Mike Brown is the stingiest person in the world. Its common knowledge that he hangs around homeless people and asks them for change. Mike Brown doesn't want to give $41.7 million to anyone.

Under the new CBA, he doesn't have too. Cam Newton, the first pick of the 2011 draft, only signed for $22 million guaranteed. That's $20 million less than Stafford got. You know what that means. It means Brown can afford two 2012 first round picks for the price of one 2009 first round pick. The Bengals also save about $40 million in contract money by getting rid of Palmer.

Bottom line: Mike Brown is still a cheap skate. If there were no NFL lockout he wouldn't have made this deal. Wasting money on first round picks is why he turned down the Redskins offer for Ochocinco in 2008 and why he turned down the Saints offer for Ricky Williams in the 1998 draft.

Quick refresher: in 1998, the Saints were going to pretty much give the Bengals all of their picks just so they could move up in the draft and take Ricky Williams. Because Mike Brown has the football acumen of a hairless cat, he passed up the offer.

THOUGHT THREE

Carson's only friend left in
Cincinnati is this guy.

Carson Palmer is going to kick ass in Oakland. This one's obvious right?

All Bengals fans know how Bengals karma works. A player leaves the team only to find incredible success somewhere else.

Exhibit A: Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Exhibit B: Everyone that's ever played for the Bengals and gone onto to play for another team.**

**This does not apply to Shayne Graham. There can only be one productive red-head in the league at a time. Luckily for Bengals fans, its Andy Dalton right now.

Anyway, using this logic, we can ascertain that Palmer will win 11 Super Bowls, four MVP awards and the Powerball lottery while he's playing for the Raiders.

Oh and look for Carson Palmer to start Sunday against the Chiefs because God knows Kyle Boller isn't going too.