Thursday, March 29, 2012

INSIC's Six Question/Five Answer 2012 Cincinnati Reds Preview that's Hotter than the Girl Below

If we've learned one thing here at INSIC, it's that hot girls equal hits.
Just like the Reds, INSIC took 2011 off. Sure we put up the occasional post, but they were all pathetic and the effort was abysmal, kind of like the Reds were down the stretch last year.

Well, we have good news: Opening Day in Cincinnati is exactly one week away and INSIC is going to celebrate by returning from the dead (AKA we're going to post more than once a month).

We're also going to celebrate by filling a bathtub up with a 50-50 mixture of whiskey, orange Fanta and Joey Votto's sweat. What we're going to do with that mixture, we haven't decided yet.

Anyway, that's enough gibberish, lets get to our seven question/six answer 2012 Cincinnati Reds preview. And yes, we promise at least one picture of Dallas Latos in this post, actually, she's hot, so let's do two.

1. The Reds pissed me off last year. Will they piss me off this year? 

Last season everyone who pretends to know anything about baseball jumped on the Reds bandwagon. The over/under on Reds 2011 wins in Las Vegas was 87. employs 45 people who write about baseball -- which is 46 more than we employ -- 27 out of 45 of those writers predicted the Reds would win the Central.

What nobody took into account was this: pro team's in Cincinnati are not allowed to have two consecutive successful season's in a row. Like Megan's Law, the law of averages and Law and Order, it's a law. This law has been in effect since 1991. Basically, what we're saying is this: no Reds fan familiar with this law should have been pissed about last season.

As for this year, the Reds upgraded, which means they have to be almost the automatic favorite in the Central. And that's mainly because Albert Pujols is in California, Prince Fielder is in Michigan and Tony LaRussa is out somewhere rescuing stray animals.

2. Who was a bigger free agent pickup for the Reds: Mat Latos or Dallas Latos?

With the Latos trade, all of Cincinnati wins.
The answer right now is Dallas. If Mat wins World Series MVP, then we'll switch to him. Either way, this is the most entertaining couple to hit Cincinnati since Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson were dating.

With Mat, the Reds got a steal. Sure they gave up two first round draft picks (Yonder Alonso & Yasmani Grandal), but if baseball history has taught us one thing, it's this: no one with a first name that starts with the letter "Y" has ever been any good at baseball. Ever. Its like a hot girl named Mildred, they don't exist.

The Reds also lost Edinson Volquez in the Latos deal, but losing probably isn't the right word. The Reds gave him away. Volquez has done the equivalent of nothing since 2008. Blame his elbow surgery, blame his mom for not breast feeding him, blame whatever you want, but getting rid of Volquez was the right move.

As for Dallas, she's hot, funny and entertaining. You should follow her on Twitter, but please, do not follow her in real life, because that would be creepy. Anyway, she has a blog (its like our blog, except for feminine and a lot better), she has giveaways and she tweets pictures, you can't really ask for more in a player's wife. Well, you can, but not much more.

3. Will Ryan Madson's injury hurt the team? Who will be the closer?

Former Phillies closer Ryan Madson signed with the Reds on Jan. 10. Two and a half months later, a ligament in his elbow went "Ki-Jana Carter ACL" on him and now Madson's out for the season, before the season has even started.

So who will be the Reds closer this season: according to the Associated Press, Dusty Baker is leaning toward a closer by committee approach.

Dusty Baker has never made a good pitching decision in his coaching career, so there's a 100 percent chance this strategy will backfire. Best case scenario for the Reds here is that they win all their games by four or more runs and never need a closer.

4. Is there a "Keep Joey Votto Fund" that Reds fans can donate too?

In case you missed it, Detroit signed Prince Fielder to a 9-year, $214 million contract this offseason. Basically what this means is that when Joey Votto hits the free agent market after the 2013 season, the bidding might reach $2 billion (we're exaggerating, but only slightly).

If you're a Reds fan, we have two suggestions: 1. make sure to really appreciate Votto this season and next because they could be his last two years here. 2. If you win the Mega Millions, plan to spend half of your $540 million jackpot on Votto.

5. If I have season tickets to the Reds, how much weight will I gain this season?

A lot. The Shit my Dad says guy pretty much summed up Cincinnati with this quote, "I'm in Cincinnati at a Waffle House that's across from two Waffle Houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of diabetes."

Apparently, Cincinnati is the Hall of Fame of diabetes.

As if Funnel Fries weren't enough, Great American Ballpark is adding some new items to the menu this season that could make diabetic comas an hourly occurence. Among the added items: fried Kool-Aid. If you're goal in life is to reenact the Super Size Me movie, forget McDonald's, eat all your meals at Great American Ballpark.

6. INSIC has been pretty dead on with Reds and Bengals predictions: what's your prediction for the 2012 Reds?

We're going to make our Reds prediction by quickly breaking down their schedule.

First, its a given that the Astros are going to go 0-162 this season. The Astros suck. The Reds play them 15 times, so that's 15 wins.

Another given is that no matter how well the Cubs play this season, they're going to completely collapse after the All-Star break. The Reds play the Cubs 10 times after the break, so that's 10 more wins.

So to get to 90 wins, all the Reds would have to do is go 65-72 in their 137 other games.

Since the N.L. Central was formed before the 1995 season, it's taken an average of 92.8 games to win the division. We don't think the Reds will get there, but we do think they'll win the division with a record of 88-74.

You can never have too many pictures of Dallas Latos. 

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