Thursday, December 31, 2009
Bengals-Chiefs: Cincinnati Clinches AFC North, Here's Our Abridged Fan Diary
What's more exciting then Megan Fox and three naked supermodels in your bedroom? How about a Bengals playoff berth.
As everyone in the world knows by now, the Bengals officially clinched their way in to the postseason with last Sunday's win over Kansas City. Well, we were there and just like we did for Baltimore and Minnesota, we're providing a game day diary.
Think of Sunday's game as a bachelor party, only instead of staring at strippers the whole time, everyone watched Kevin Huber punt the ball... a lot.
Now before we get to the diary, here's this week's cast of characters: Me, my girlfriend, my pregnant sister, my homeless brother (who's not actually homeless), my brother-in-law, my brother's friends and some kid who was walking with a cane.
10:44 a.m.: First, let me throw out some advice: if you don't have a pregnant sister, get one. My sister is like 12 months pregnant and this is good for two reasons: First, a new niece or nephew will pop out in the next week which means another baby for me to teach cuss words too. Second, she can't drink. Automatic designated driver. It's like having a chauffeur, only instead of a chauffeur it's your pregnant sister. What's that you say? You don't have a sister. Easily solved, you can knock up any girl, and for nine months they will be the best DD ever. However, keep in mind that after those nine months are over, an actual baby will be born. So if having a DD for nine months is not an even trade off for a baby, don't do it. Also, if you're a Steelers fan reading this, please do not impregnate anyone either. The last thing this country needs is little two-year-old terrible towel tykes running around as their parents take hits of meth off of an old Captain Crunch box.
11:12 a.m.: My brother-in-law and I pick up our tickets at the Hyatt. Why were they at the Hyatt? I don't ask questions, my brother-in-law is like Arnold Schwarzenegger's character in True Lies, I know he could kill me in four seconds if he wanted too, so I always keep my mouth shut.
11:31 a.m.: As we're heading to our tailgating spot, my homeless brother (who's not actually homeless) says we have to wait for his friends. Fifteen minutes later his friends show up. His friends consist of a girl, a 12-year-old, a normal guy and a kid walking around with a cane who I decided to call Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim couldn't walk more than four feet without sounding like he was going to die, so we decided to tailgate in the nearest parking lot. Actually to be more accurate, we tailgated next to a port-o-let. (My homeless brother (who's not actually homeless) is pictured here next to our tailgating port-o-let).
11:32 a.m.-12:48 p.m.: Tailgating next to a port-o-let may be the most underrated thing I've ever done in my life. First of all, girls pee all of the time, if you don't believe me, tailgate next to a port-o-let sometime. It's the perfect place to hit on a girl. Just ask my brother. He told us about the time when his friend made out with a 15-year-old girl while in line for the port-o-let. I don't think you can get arrested for that, but just to be safe, I don't recommend making out with 15-year-old girls next to port-o-lets. Even though I don't recommend it, the make out session does prove how awesome port-o-let tailgating is. If you can get over the egg, bacon, breakfast poop odor that comes out of the port-o-let, then tailgating next to a portable toilet will be perfect for you.
12:59 p.m.: On the video board, the Bengals have a pregame tribute to Chris Henry.
1:01 p.m.-1:45 p.m.: The guy in front of me is wearing a Kevin Huber jersey, which is ironic because Huber gets more touches in the first quarter than anyone on the team not named Cedric Benson. Huber jersey guy is ecstatic that the Bengals are going three-and-out. Every time Huber punts, Huber jersey guy is high fiving me like we just scored three touchdowns on one play. I wish I had a picture but I don't (although below is a picture of the Bengals in punt formation). Oh, one more thing here, if there is one rule of being at an NFL game it's this: if a dude in a punter's jersey wants a high-five, you give it too them. Those bastards are crazy, how do I know? Because you have to be crazy or stupid to wear a punter's jersey. Think about it, you're spending $100 on a jersey for a guy that only plays maybe 10 plays a game. He never scores and no one on the team likes him.
2:11-2:20 p.m.: Just when the game was getting more boring than a PBS documentary on naked mole rats, all hell breaks loose. Chiefs punter Dustin Colquitt watches a punt snap sail about 10 yards over his head. Colquitt then decides he's playing soccer and he kicks the ball out of bounds. When the ball is on the ground and it gets kicked, this is known as illegal touching. If you watch football for a decade, you might see this called 12 times total. But if you were at PBS Sunday, you saw it twice in one minute.
After Colquitt's soccer kick, the Bengals took over on the Chief's six-yard line. As the offense heads onto the field, I lean over to my girlfriend and say, "I'll bet you a hot chocolate, your heavy coat and a case of KY Jelly that we only get a field goal out of this." My gf decides this is a good bet.
And then what happens, OCHO SCORES. Wait, nope, more illegal touching. What my brother's friend did to that 15-year-old in the port-o-let line is illegal touching. Apparently so is running out of bounds and being the first one to to touch the ball. Anyway, we all know what happens, Bengals kick a field goal and I win the bet. If anyone needs KY Jelly, let me know, I have a whole case of it.
2:56 p.m.: During halftime, I stared at the cheerleaders trying to figure out which one was accused of having an STD. I'm still trying to figure it out. Anyway, I was still thinking about it in the third quarter when I was interrupted by something so shocking that I almost spilled hot chocolate on the guy wearing Huber's jersey: a Bengals touchdown. Carson to Coles.
3:20 p.m.: Just when me and Huber jersey guy were ready to give Huber the MVP award for the season, Huber goes and let's his punt get blocked by the Chiefs. Then, to make matters worse, some Kansas City running back catches a touchdown pass even though the 13 Bengals hit him simultaneously in the end zone. How the guy held on to the ball, I will never know, he probably should have been given 11 points for his catch, six doesn't seem like enough. Either way, the game is tied at 10.
3:40-3:52 p.m.: No matter how bad the Bengals offense has been all day, here is one thing I know for sure: if there is under nine minutes left and they have to drive 98 yards for a score, it's going to happen. Going into the fourth quarter, Carson Palmer had about 12 yards passing. Then 'fourth quarter' Carson showed up. I love 'fourth quarter' Carson. He never makes a mistake and we always win (Except when Andre Caldwell fumbles the ball that is).
Of course, 'fourth quarter' Carson comes through with a 6-yard touchdown pass to Ochocinco. Game, set, match.
4:00 p.m.: God sends snow and everyone stays in the stadium to celebrate the division title. This makes sense because with the Bengals you never know when the next one will be, it could be two years it could be 20, it could be 4,000.
4:04 p.m.: Sidebar to pregnant sister advice above: pregnant sisters walk slow, very slow. Walking out of the stadium with a pregnant sister is the same as Jeff Gordon driving a 1989 Plymouth Sundance at the Daytona 500. It's a horrible idea.
That's it for this year's day long diaries. INSIC will be at the Super Bowl if the Bengals manage to make it, but otherwise we'll be watching the playoffs from home.