Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Bengals-Lions: Ron Artest Says You'll Need A Bath Tub Full Of Hennessy to Get Through This Game

The Laker's newest acquisition, Ron Artest, recently told The Sporting News that he used to drink Hennessy at halftime of his games. Here at INSIC, we don't usually waste space on NBA talk, but we felt the need to bring this up for one reason: during Sunday's Bengals game, Hennessy just might be your best friend.

If you're going to watch Sunday's game, we highly suggest that you buy some Hennessy now; buy a lot of it, fill a bath tub with it, hell, connect a Hennessy filled IV to your vain because seriously, it might be the only thing that gets you through three hours of watching the Lions play.

Here at INSIC, when the Bengals are playing a non-division foe, we try to relive the three best games in the series. We had fun putting this thing together each week, until now.

Going through the Lions team history is like cleaning a baby's diaper with your tongue, it's something no human being should ever have to do. Going through the Bengals team history is a little more fun, it's like sleeping with a hot girl, but then you find out 17 years later that she is patient zero for three previously unknown sexually transmitted diseases. The hot girl being of course the Bengals franchise from 1970-1991, the three mystery STD's being the Bengals from 1992-2008. This obviously means that the 2009 team is like the doctors telling you there's a cure for two of the three new mystery ailments.

91 percent of you probably got lost in the above paragraph somewhere (we got lost writing it), let's just get to the fun stuff.

Fact to Impress Drunk People With: Due to our infatuation with Cincinnati Bengals all-time leading scorer Jim Breech (read the fact from this post), we're throwing out another Breech fact. Breech spent 13 years with the Bengals (1980-92) and one with the Raiders (1979), but the former Bengal was actually drafted by the... wait for it... Detroit Lions. That's right, Breech was picked in the eighth round of the 1978 draft. Ironically enough, the first preseason game in Breech's brief Lions career was against... wait for it... the Cincinnati Bengals. The Lions would cut Breech before the regular season. However, Breech would get the last laugh by not having to play for the worst team in the history of football.

Fact 2: Excluding post-1995 expansion teams, the Bengals have only played two teams less than the nine times they've played the Lions. The Bengals have played both the Redskins and Giants eight times.

All-Time Series: Cincinnati Leads 6-3*

* = Will be 7-3 Bengals after Sunday

Lets get to the countdown:

Honorable Mention

Oct. 28, 2001, at Detroit: From 1991-2002, the words 'Bengals' and 'winning record' were used in the same sentence as often as 'Michael Jackson' and 'didn't molest children.' However, after a Corey Dillon fourth quarter touchdown run sparked the Bengals to a 31-27 win over the Lions, Cincinnati, at 4-3, had a winning record. The season could have been great if the Bengals didn't go 2-7 in their final nine games.

Top 3

3. Nov. 2, 1986, at Detroit

If you've ever googled the words 'Super Bowl,' 'Bengals,' and 'coke addict,' together (Why you would ever have done this is between you and your life coach), the first name that probably comes up is that of former Bengal Stanley Wilson. Before he was ruining the Super Bowl hopes of Bengals fans, he was a semi-productive fullback for the team.

In this game, the Lions had no answer for our coke addicted running back. Wilson scored two touchdowns in the first three quarters, which along with a Breech field goal, had the Bengals and Lions tied at 17 late in the fourth. That's where Larry Kinnebrew comes in. With time waning in the game and the Bengals about to lose to the hapless Lions, Kinnebrew busted into the end zone from one-yard out to give the Bengals the win. The Bengals would finish the 1986 season 10-6 but would not make the playoffs because the Browns would go 12-4. For those of you under the age of 20 reading this, yes the Browns were good once.

Result: Cincinnati 24, Detroit 17

2. Sept. 13, 1998, at Detroit

In 1998, the Bengals peaked. The only problem; they peaked at sucking. Just as they did all decade, the Bengals got their fans' hopes up early. In this week two matchup, Cincinnati looked to be down for the count. It was hopeless. Why you ask? With the game in overtime and tied at 28, NFL legend Scott Mitchell was on the field trying to lead his Lions to a win. The only problem? Mitchell isn't actually an NFL legend. As a matter of fact, calling Mitchell a legend would be like trying to argue that Jud Buechler was the MVP of the 1997 Chicago Bulls.

Anyway, you can probably guess what happens. Actually you probably can't, so we'll tell you. Mitchell throws an interception to the Bengals Corey Sawyer who would return it 53-yards for a game-winning touchdown. And yes, for one day, all Bengals fans wearing a Sawyer jersey held their heads high.

Result: Bengals 34, Detroit 28

1. Dec. 18, 2005, at Detroit

Usually, 41-17 Bengals wins doesn't make the top of our list, unless of course they clinch a division title. The Bengals went into the game knowing a win would mean the AFC North championship. By the time the first quarter was over, Bengals fans had popped the champagne and made the final payment on their playoff tickets. Cincinnati was up 17-0 after only 15 minutes of play, Detroit would also score 17 points, but it would take them four quarters.

Result: Bengals 41, Detroit 17


1 comment:

  1. I don't know what the criteria is for the Webby's, but any post that mentions Jud Buechler, Ron Artest and Hennessy should be nominated for at least three.