Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Roethlisberger Does Unthinkable: Steeler QB Goes 40 Days Without Being Accused of Sexual Assault

Most Steelers fans aren't aware of it, but today, April 14, 2010, represents a huge milestone for their starting quarterback.

Ben Roethlisberger has now gone 40 days without being accused of sexual assault.

Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin was as shocked as anyone at the news, "Now-a-days, we're lucky if he goes two weeks without being charged with some sort of sexual crime," Tomlin said. "So, as a team, we decided that if he made it too 40 days without being charged, we were going to do something special for him."

Asked to elaborate on what that 'special' gesture might be, Tomlin only offered a few minor details, "Lets just say its going to involve a giant cake, a purple man thong and Kordell Stewart."

Not surprisingly, Roethlisberger was at a bar in downtown Pittsburgh celebrating his milestone. "I don't know when having sex with hot girls started being illegal. I guess I just don't understand the law," Roethlisberger said, before adding, "But after this latest accusation, I've decided I have to change my ways."

When asked why he had to changed his ways, Roethlisberger gave an answer that may surprise some people, "It wasn't the negative stigma that comes with a second sexual assault accusation," the Steeler QB said. "It was having my beef jerky line dropped. Big Ben's Beef Jerky was a really, really good jerky and because of my actions, thousands of people in Pennsylvania will never get to experience quality beef jerky."

PLB Sports President Ty Ballou (PLB makes the fantastic jerky) did say that the company may re-sign Roethlisberger now that he has hit the 40 day plateau. "40 days is a long time to go without being accused of sexual assault," Ballou said. "So yes, we are in fact thinking about re-signing Ben."

As for Roethlisberger, the beef jerky isn't the only thing he wants back, he wants his locks back. "I was pretty pissed I had to cut my hair to meet with [NFL Commissioner Roger] Goodell," said the 2-time Super Bowl winning quarterback. "I spent the last nine months trying to look like former WWE Wrestling Superstar Hacksaw Jim Duggan and then they make me cut it, that's dirty, smelly, horse crap."

Duggan and Roethlisberger are pictured below.

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