Rey Maualuga Avoids Suspension for January DUI; Ochocinco will Pee in Cup Today

Driving drunk in a car with underage girls is every guys dream. The only problem with this dream is that its frowned upon by the general public and illegal in most states (We don't have time to research any state laws, but we're guessing that it's not frowned upon or illegal in the following states: Kentucky, West Virginia, Georgia and probably Louisiana).

It turns out Bengals LB Rey Maualuga may have lucked out last January when he was nabbed for DUI, mainly, because he was arrested in Kentucky, one of the aforementioned states where sleeping with 14-year-olds is encouraged.

What does this mean?

It means that when Rey-Rey was arrested, he wasn't charged with getting an underage girl drunk, he was only charged with DUI (reports are that his BAC was .157). Officers could have also charged him with a 'Crime against Humanity' for driving a Pontiac Sunfire, but instead, they showed mercy.

Maualuga put the incident behind him last February when he pled guilty to his DUI charge, however it wasn't until today that the NFL finally weighed in on whether or not he would be suspended.

Roger Goodell and the NFL formally recognized today that it's incredibly hard to pickup hot high school tail at a bar. Maualuga's mad pickup skills were rewarded as the NFL has decided to NOT suspend him for his January DUI. The former USC star will have to forfeit two game checks (Meaning he's out about $46,500).

Would you leave a bar drunk with the 18-year-old girl pictured below? Maualuga did. By the way, in case you can't tell, the picture is courtesy of Sports by Brooks.

The Bengals have now lucked out twice this offseason, as Cedric Benson also went unsuspended for his June arrest. Although in Benson's defense, he was punched in the face, didn't retaliate at all and then arrested a month after the alleged incident.

Ochocinco Getting Drug Tested Today

Unless testing positive for McDonald's can garner a 4-game suspension, its probably a safe bet that the Ocho will pass his random drug test.

By the way, if anyone from Dial is reading this, you're sitting on a God Damn gold mine, look at the top of Chad's locker, its already stocked with a season's supply of Dial body wash and the season hasn't even started.

Wild Weekend in Cincinnati: Reds Giving Away Garden Gnomes, Bengals Welcome 6'3" 245 Pound Baby Jesus (AKA Tim Tebow)

If you're a Christian, than you probably celebrate Jesus' birth on December 25. On the other hand, if you're like millions of hot girls and college football fans and Tim Tebow is your savior, than your Christmas is today.

That's right everyone, God's second (and more talented son) Tim Tebow will be celebrating his 23rd birthday today in Cincinnati. After Jesus didn't pan out as a football player, God wanted another son and Mrs. Tebow delivered for the big man on August 14, 1987 when Tim was born.

So what's the second son of God up too today? We've obtained Tebow's itinerary for the weekend and it looks like this:

12:07 p.m.: Broncos plane, which Tebow piloted, lands at CVG.

1:37 p.m.: Adopt 17 homeless children

2:01 p.m.: Walk across water at Fountain Square

3:31 p.m.: Watch film

3:59 p.m.: Daily phone call with the Pope

5:26 p.m.: Perform open heart surgery at local hospital

7:01 p.m.: 'Last Supper' with team where Tebow will point out which offensive lineman will betray him Sunday.

9:07 p.m.: Ping Pong match with Boomer Esiason

Sunday

7:38 p.m.: Get crucified by the Bengals

GARDEN GNOME NIGHT AT THE REDS GAME

Now if worshipping Tim Tebow isn't your thing, you're in luck because for the first time ever, there's two fun things to do in Cincinnati on the same weekend.

Tonight, the Reds will host the Florida Marlins, which on its own, sounds pretty boring. Well, the Reds know that, so they've decided to spice things up by giving away a Garden Gnome to the first 20,000 fans in attendance.

Now you might be thinking, "I don't have a garden and I'm mildly afraid of gnomes, so should I still go to the game?"

The answer to that is a resounding yes and that's mainly because there's a 12 percent chance that Tebow will be at the game. By being in the same building as Tebow, your odds of going to Heaven increase by one-third.

Now, if your Gnome fear is what's keeping you from tonight's Reds game, then just watch the video below 20 times, not only will you love gnomes after watching it, but you'll have an explanation ready when you try to rub noses with all the incredibly hot ass at Great American Ball Park tonight. (Note: Rubbing a girl's nose with your nose is a gnome kiss, we are not advocating rubbing anything else. If you try to rub another part of a girl without her permission, you could get arrested and/or thrown in jail, if that happens, you'll have to pray to Tim Tebow that the judge goes easy on you).

Reds-Cardinals Fight: First Inning Hug Fest Turns into First Inning Slug Fest

(Did the Reds and Cardinals decide to have a hug-off in the middle of the game? Was this a giant first inning prayer group? Or was it an awesome fight? Probably No. 2)

For some reason unbeknownst to us, the Cardinals got pissed on Monday because Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips called them all 'a bunch of bitches.' Although his statement was 99 percent accurate, St. Louis players still took offense to it. How could they be offended by something so true? What a bunch of bitches, right?

Anyway, we weren't at the game, but we had several Facebook friends attend and they posted a couple photos. So we stole them. The picture at the top of the page is a grainy cell phone photo. The female who took it has no future as a photographer.

The fight started in the first inning when Brandon Phillips (yes the same guy that basically called the Cardinals a bunch of vaginas) was batting. He took his bat out and gave Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina a friendly tap on his shin guard, Molina reacted to the friendly tap like a 'bitch' would, he instigated a bench clearing brawl.

By the way, if the Reds don't want to be bitches themselves, they need to avoid the sweep today. The game starts in 28 minutes (12:35 p.m.), so stop reading this and start watching the game.

UPDATE: Our lone commenter directed us toward this: the Reds-Cardinals brawl re-enacted in bobblehead form. Except for your parents having sex, everything is cooler when it's re-enacted in bobblehead form. You can hit this link and go to Mo Egger's blog or you can watch our cutoff version below (again, we have no technological wherewithal).

Oh, and the Reds got swept, which means everyone in the INSIC office has to do the same thing tomorrow morning, eat a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, but instead of milk, we have to use ranch dressing. Stupid f-ing Cardinals fans and their stupidly smart bets. They're all bitches.

Cincinnati Reds Trade for Reds Killer Jim Edmonds

(Above: Jim Edmonds does his first interview as a Cincinnati Red. Photo from the Reds Twitter page)

Since he took over the Reds General Manager position in 2008, Walt Jocketty has been trying to do one thing: fill the Cincinnati roster with former St. Louis Cardinals.

Jocketty continued his never ending quest today by trading for former star Cardinal and current Brewers center fielder Jim Edmonds. Earlier this season, Jocketty signed former Cardinal Jason Isringhausen to a minor league contract. Current Red Miguel Cairo also used to play for St. Louis. Lets hope that Jocketty's master plan is to get Albert Pujols in a Reds uniform by September.

Anyway, back to Edmonds. The 40-year-old played with the Cardinals from 2000-2007, however, St. Louis let him go before the 2008 season and after that, teams started to pass the aging center fielder around like a hot chick in a gang bang. Edmonds has played for the Padres, Cubs and Brewers since 2008.

So what did the acquisition of Edmonds cost the Reds?

Cincinnati had to give up OF Chris Dickerson, which is actually a good thing because guys with the word 'dick' in their last name have short tempers and are usually very easy to make fun of.

The only negative out of the trade is that super-stud pitcher Travis Wood has been optioned to Triple-A. It won't be permanent, but its probably safe to say that Wood is the only minor leaguer right now who has taken a perfect game into the ninth inning of a major league baseball game.

Edmonds and his new Cincinnati teammates will host St. Louis in a 3-game series that starts today. Tonight's first game will be on ESPN. Edmonds will bat fifth and play center field.

If you've followed Cincinnati baseball at all over the past 141 years, then you know that this is the biggest non-playoff series since Eisenhower was president. Which means: please watch!

INSIC would like the game to get high ratings so that ESPN televises every Reds game from now until they win the World Series in October.

Thanks to Suckiness of Jordan Palmer and J.T. O'Sullivan, Cowboys 10th Stringers Beat Bengals Seventh Stringers

If you're a Bengals fan, then we'll presume you watched at least the first 12 minutes of last night's Hall-of-Fame game between Dallas and Cincinnati. Actually, even you're not a Bengals fan, we'll assume you watched it because the game garnered the highest ratings in 6-years for an NFL preseason contest.

Now, if you turned the game off in the second quarter, no one can blame you. Watching J.T. O'Sullivan play quarterback is more painful than watching your dog die from feline AIDS that he contracted during unprotected sex with a stray cat.

Without looking at the box score, try and answer the following question:

Which number is higher?

A.) J.T. O'Sullivan's QB rating from last night

B.) The number of times Kevin Huber punted

C.) The length of Ron Jeremy's Dong

D.) Both B & C

If you guessed E -- J.T. O'Sullivan is the worst QB in the history of organized football -- then you are correct. We would have also accepted B, C and B & C. (O'Sullivan had a 7.0 QB rating, Huber punted 10 times and from what we've heard, Jeremy's dong is over 7 inches. Our senior pornography correspondent should have this verified by the end of the night)

With the O'Sullivan complaints now out of the way, its time to play our favorite game: "Who we liked, who we didn't like and who should be pooping their pants?"

Who We Liked

Jordan Shipley: He can catch passes and return punts (If you fell asleep at halftime, he set up the Bengals only touchdown with a 63-yard punt return in the fourth quarter), but more importantly, he has Laveranues Coles number. The sooner we forget about Coles the better. Coles left a sour taste in our mouths, you know, the same kind of taste that rancid 11-month old chocolate milk leaves when its mixed with expired baby food.

Geno Atkins: We're going to call this guy 'The Diet' until it catches on with Bengals fans everywhere (Get it, Atkins Diet. OK, punch us in the face. Its not funny or clever and it sounds like something Chris Berman would come up with). The Diet had four tackles and a sack that went for a big loss (Get it again, on a diet you lose pounds, this diet makes you lose yards. Fuck, OK, we'll stop now). Plus Geno disrupted the Cowboys offense in the same way a crying baby disrupts a cross-country flight.

Pac-Man Jones: Adam Jones looked more like Indiana Jones last night. Every time he was near the football, it looked like he was pretending the ball was the holy grail and the Cowboys were the Nazi's trying to steal it. Jones even impressively opened the game with a nice play on Cowboys No. 1 receiver/Nazi Miles Austin. He also looked quick on his kickoff returns, which is kind of surprising because back in February the Bengals didn't sign him because he had an Albert Haynesworth-esque 40 time.

Matt Jones: With the price of Colombian grade cocaine going up daily, Jones knows he has to make the team so he can afford the stuff, accordingly, he ended the game with 42 yards on three catches. Here are his plusses: Jones is almost 7 feet tall, thanks to Ocho and Owens, most teams probably won't even bother to cover him, which is good because he can catch. Oh and most importantly, he plays quarterback. A piece of lawn furniture would be an upgrade from O'Sullivan. Jones would make a nice backup or 3rd string QB. However, unless he averages 125 receiving yards a game during the preseason, he probably won't make the team. But it's nice to know he tried hard yesterday.

Chase Coffman is alive: Most people thought he was dead. Well he's not. He caught a 21-yard pass on a 4th-and-17 (By the way, with a kicking competition going on, Marvin passed on a 52-yard field goal to go for it on fourth-and-17. Good call coach. And yes, we are wondering if a kicker molested Marvin Lewis as a child because he seems to hate them a lot).

Punt Coverage Team: At least three Cowboy punt returners almost died last night. We're pretty sure it was Brandon Ghee and Gibril Wilson that made the bone crushing hits, feel free to correct us if we're wrong.

Who We Didn't Like

Any QB with a first name that starts with "J": O'Sullivan was dreadful. Watching him play was like watching Wesley Snipes act. You know they're really trying, but the bottom line is, they just don't have any talent. Jordan Palmer was a little bit more respectable. He led the Bengals on their only touchdown drive (ha ha ha ha, that's a joke, it was a 1-yard drive setup by Shipley's punt return.) He also completed two passes to Cowboys players and four to Bengals players. Generally, that is not a ratio that wins games in the NFL.

Brian Leonard: We just bought a Leonard jersey last week, if he's hurt, this will be the biggest waste of $230 since 1995 when we bought that Ki-Jana Carter jersey before the Bengals preseason game against the Lions.

Who Should be Pooping Their Pants

Quan Cosby: Cosby catches passes over the middle, he returns punts and he can generally play special teams. You know who else does all that: Jordan Shipley. Shipley is younger, cheaper and he plays the guitar better, as he proves in the picture below.

By the way, in case you're wondering, the horrible play of the Bengals first team offense didn't bother us one bit. It was their first time out and they played like it. Did you try 17 different positions the first time you had sex? No. The offense went missionary style. They didn't do anything fancy, they tried out a few plays, threw T.O. a couple balls and called it a night.

Someone on Twitter Loves Ochocinco

As most psychotic, prowling, drug-addicted ex-girlfriends already know, the best thing about Twitter is that you can anonymously stalk people and there's a 99.0003 percent chance they'll never find out.

On the other hand if you're tired of stalking or just lazy, you can tweet your phone number to your favorite celebrity and cross your fingers that they'll call you.

That was the tactic employed by our new friend Cynthia Roberson or as she likes to call herself on Twitter: @Sexymom97.

Over the past three weeks, @sexymom97 has been blitzing (pun intended) Chad with tweets asking him to call her. She even left her number for him in a tweet. This now means that the Ocho and six million other Twitter users can call her any time they want, day or night.

Twitter is obviously filled with thousands of people who exhibit extremely poor judgement (if you need any proof, just look at Spencer Pratt's profile, 863,679 are knowingly following him. In the world we want to live in someday, he would have three followers and he'd only be famous because he died in a panda bear attack at age seven).

So lets review.

Old uncool way to stalk: Facebook

New trendy way to stalk: Twitter

Please note accordingly.

Chad doesn't know it, but the segway above might be his only means of escape some day.

INSIC and Sports Illustrated's Peter King Agree: Andre Smith Sucks, Oh and Jermaine Gresham Signs

Fifteen months ago, John Breech wrote some mean things about Andre Smith. The day after the Bengals drafted Smith sixth overall, here was Breech's take on the pick:

If the Bengals had the first pick in an imaginary draft that consisted of Andre Smith, Jesus and a meth addict, I would have wanted them to take the meth addict first (Jesus is undersized for the NFL and Andre Smith is less reliable than most meth users).

Today, in his weekly Monday Morning Quarterback piece, Peter King over at Sports Illustrated reiterated Breech's point when he used the words 'never, ever and ever' all in the same sentence, as in:

Andre Smith should never, ever, ever, have been the sixth pick in the draft in 2009.

We couldn't agree more.

Last night, the monthly INSIC employee party was held at Hooter's and lets just say this: Andre Smith has bigger boobs than every Hooter's waitress in Cincinnati.

We actually had to email the FCC to make sure the picture below wasn't considered pornographic.

FCC: Are those man boobs or woman boobs?

INSIC: Man boobs.

FCC: Are you sure, they look like woman boobs?

INSIC: Pretty sure.

In the end, they let us run the possibly pornographic picture (Observe jiggly man boobs at your own risk).

Finally, we have two non-Andre Smith related notes.

First up, ESPN.com's Elizabeth Merrill put together a really great story on Mike Zimmer and how he's coped since the tragic death of his wife Vikki 10 months ago. Read it now and please don't come back to our site until you've read the whole thing.

Item number two: the Ochocinco News Network (or OCNN, if you will) is on pace to win their first Pulitzer thanks to this story Chad broke on Twitter at 5:05 p.m. today. Bengals first round pick Jermaine Gresham has finally signed. Enquirer Bengals beat writer Joe Reedy is reporting that the deal is 5-years and worth $15.8 million with a maximum value of $18.5 million if he reaches all incentives. If Gresham ends up turning into an Andre Smith or JaMarcus Russell sized bust, he'll still go home with his $9.6 million guarantee.