Saturday, August 14, 2010

Wild Weekend in Cincinnati: Reds Giving Away Garden Gnomes, Bengals Welcome 6'3" 245 Pound Baby Jesus (AKA Tim Tebow)

If you're a Christian, than you probably celebrate Jesus' birth on December 25. On the other hand, if you're like millions of hot girls and college football fans and Tim Tebow is your savior, than your Christmas is today.

That's right everyone, God's second (and more talented son) Tim Tebow will be celebrating his 23rd birthday today in Cincinnati. After Jesus didn't pan out as a football player, God wanted another son and Mrs. Tebow delivered for the big man on August 14, 1987 when Tim was born.

So what's the second son of God up too today? We've obtained Tebow's itinerary for the weekend and it looks like this:

12:07 p.m.: Broncos plane, which Tebow piloted, lands at CVG.
1:37 p.m.: Adopt 17 homeless children
2:01 p.m.: Walk across water at Fountain Square
3:31 p.m.: Watch film
3:59 p.m.: Daily phone call with the Pope
5:26 p.m.: Perform open heart surgery at local hospital
7:01 p.m.: 'Last Supper' with team where Tebow will point out which offensive lineman will betray him Sunday.
9:07 p.m.: Ping Pong match with Boomer Esiason


7:38 p.m.: Get crucified by the Bengals


Now if worshipping Tim Tebow isn't your thing, you're in luck because for the first time ever, there's two fun things to do in Cincinnati on the same weekend.

Tonight, the Reds will host the Florida Marlins, which on its own, sounds pretty boring. Well, the Reds know that, so they've decided to spice things up by giving away a Garden Gnome to the first 20,000 fans in attendance.

Now you might be thinking, "I don't have a garden and I'm mildly afraid of gnomes, so should I still go to the game?"

The answer to that is a resounding yes and that's mainly because there's a 12 percent chance that Tebow will be at the game. By being in the same building as Tebow, your odds of going to Heaven increase by one-third.

Now, if your Gnome fear is what's keeping you from tonight's Reds game, then just watch the video below 20 times, not only will you love gnomes after watching it, but you'll have an explanation ready when you try to rub noses with all the incredibly hot ass at Great American Ball Park tonight. (Note: Rubbing a girl's nose with your nose is a gnome kiss, we are not advocating rubbing anything else. If you try to rub another part of a girl without her permission, you could get arrested and/or thrown in jail, if that happens, you'll have to pray to Tim Tebow that the judge goes easy on you).

No comments:

Post a Comment