Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Joey Votto Shows Up on Sports Illustrated Cover: Jinxes Everything and Everyone in Cincinnati
Thanks to Joey Votto, every Reds fan, Reds player and Cincinnati Zoo animal is now jinxed for the rest of their lives. And its not just any jinx we're talking about here, its the SI cover jinx.
Sports Illustrated unveiled this week's cover yesterday and guess who was on it? Joey 'I Think I Just Jinxed All of Cincinnati' Votto.
Three hours after the cover was released to America, the SI cover jinx bit the Reds in the ass harder than Marv Albert bites South African teenage sex slaves.
And don't just think that the jinx mildly attacked the Reds last night, it shot them straight in the head. The Reds were Abraham Lincoln sitting at Ford Theater and the jinx straight up John Wilkes Booth-ed them.
Besides the fact that the Reds lost to the Giants 11-2, lets take a look at what else happened.
First up, Cincinnati starter Edinson Volquez didn't even make it out of the FIRST INNING. A drunk David Hasselhoff wearing a diaper on his head could have pitched his way through one inning, Volquez could not.
Secondly, Jim Edmonds had to leave the game because of what the Reds trainers called 'a strained oblique.'
Don't believe that shit for a second though, when the SI cover jinx is involved, its always something worse. Our guess is that what the Reds training staff means by 'strained oblique' is actually cancer and Edmonds will be dead by the end of the week. That's the nature of the jinx people.
Third and finally, Laynce Nix had to leave the game because he got injured running the bases. Do you know how often that happens? Never. Six-year-olds run the bases every Sunday at Great American Ball Park and none of them, NONE OF THEM, ever get injured.
Of course, the second Votto shows up on the SI cover, Laynce Nix sprains his ankle running to first base. And because it's an SI cover jinx injury, there is a 97 percent chance that Nix's sprained left ankle will have to be amputated.
Here's our advice if you're a Reds fan: don't go out in public, don't walk your dog, don't feed your cat, don't shop at Kroger, close your 5/3 account, melt your Graeter's ice cream, burn your skyline chili and for the love of God, don't wear a Bengals jersey, until the jinx has passed. Which will be never.
Oh and one more thing. We should probably point out that when Sports Illustrated puts a guy on their cover, 99.8 percent of the time, there's a story about them inside the magazine. Here's the piece on Votto.