Monday, August 9, 2010

Thanks to Suckiness of Jordan Palmer and J.T. O'Sullivan, Cowboys 10th Stringers Beat Bengals Seventh Stringers

If you're a Bengals fan, then we'll presume you watched at least the first 12 minutes of last night's Hall-of-Fame game between Dallas and Cincinnati. Actually, even you're not a Bengals fan, we'll assume you watched it because the game garnered the highest ratings in 6-years for an NFL preseason contest.

Now, if you turned the game off in the second quarter, no one can blame you. Watching J.T. O'Sullivan play quarterback is more painful than watching your dog die from feline AIDS that he contracted during unprotected sex with a stray cat.

Without looking at the box score, try and answer the following question:

Which number is higher?

A.) J.T. O'Sullivan's QB rating from last night

B.) The number of times Kevin Huber punted

C.) The length of Ron Jeremy's Dong

D.) Both B & C

If you guessed E -- J.T. O'Sullivan is the worst QB in the history of organized football -- then you are correct. We would have also accepted B, C and B & C. (O'Sullivan had a 7.0 QB rating, Huber punted 10 times and from what we've heard, Jeremy's dong is over 7 inches. Our senior pornography correspondent should have this verified by the end of the night)

With the O'Sullivan complaints now out of the way, its time to play our favorite game: "Who we liked, who we didn't like and who should be pooping their pants?"

Who We Liked

Jordan Shipley: He can catch passes and return punts (If you fell asleep at halftime, he set up the Bengals only touchdown with a 63-yard punt return in the fourth quarter), but more importantly, he has Laveranues Coles number. The sooner we forget about Coles the better. Coles left a sour taste in our mouths, you know, the same kind of taste that rancid 11-month old chocolate milk leaves when its mixed with expired baby food.

Geno Atkins: We're going to call this guy 'The Diet' until it catches on with Bengals fans everywhere (Get it, Atkins Diet. OK, punch us in the face. Its not funny or clever and it sounds like something Chris Berman would come up with). The Diet had four tackles and a sack that went for a big loss (Get it again, on a diet you lose pounds, this diet makes you lose yards. Fuck, OK, we'll stop now). Plus Geno disrupted the Cowboys offense in the same way a crying baby disrupts a cross-country flight.

Pac-Man Jones: Adam Jones looked more like Indiana Jones last night. Every time he was near the football, it looked like he was pretending the ball was the holy grail and the Cowboys were the Nazi's trying to steal it. Jones even impressively opened the game with a nice play on Cowboys No. 1 receiver/Nazi Miles Austin. He also looked quick on his kickoff returns, which is kind of surprising because back in February the Bengals didn't sign him because he had an Albert Haynesworth-esque 40 time.

Matt Jones: With the price of Colombian grade cocaine going up daily, Jones knows he has to make the team so he can afford the stuff, accordingly, he ended the game with 42 yards on three catches. Here are his plusses: Jones is almost 7 feet tall, thanks to Ocho and Owens, most teams probably won't even bother to cover him, which is good because he can catch. Oh and most importantly, he plays quarterback. A piece of lawn furniture would be an upgrade from O'Sullivan. Jones would make a nice backup or 3rd string QB. However, unless he averages 125 receiving yards a game during the preseason, he probably won't make the team. But it's nice to know he tried hard yesterday.

Chase Coffman is alive: Most people thought he was dead. Well he's not. He caught a 21-yard pass on a 4th-and-17 (By the way, with a kicking competition going on, Marvin passed on a 52-yard field goal to go for it on fourth-and-17. Good call coach. And yes, we are wondering if a kicker molested Marvin Lewis as a child because he seems to hate them a lot).

Punt Coverage Team: At least three Cowboy punt returners almost died last night. We're pretty sure it was Brandon Ghee and Gibril Wilson that made the bone crushing hits, feel free to correct us if we're wrong.

Who We Didn't Like

Any QB with a first name that starts with "J": O'Sullivan was dreadful. Watching him play was like watching Wesley Snipes act. You know they're really trying, but the bottom line is, they just don't have any talent. Jordan Palmer was a little bit more respectable. He led the Bengals on their only touchdown drive (ha ha ha ha, that's a joke, it was a 1-yard drive setup by Shipley's punt return.) He also completed two passes to Cowboys players and four to Bengals players. Generally, that is not a ratio that wins games in the NFL.

Brian Leonard: We just bought a Leonard jersey last week, if he's hurt, this will be the biggest waste of $230 since 1995 when we bought that Ki-Jana Carter jersey before the Bengals preseason game against the Lions.

Who Should be Pooping Their Pants

Quan Cosby: Cosby catches passes over the middle, he returns punts and he can generally play special teams. You know who else does all that: Jordan Shipley. Shipley is younger, cheaper and he plays the guitar better, as he proves in the picture below.

By the way, in case you're wondering, the horrible play of the Bengals first team offense didn't bother us one bit. It was their first time out and they played like it. Did you try 17 different positions the first time you had sex? No. The offense went missionary style. They didn't do anything fancy, they tried out a few plays, threw T.O. a couple balls and called it a night.

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